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HELP!!!! Everything inside me hurts


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I'm a very private, kept-to-myself, teen male (17 years old) and for this reason, I never really had close friends or friends that I could vent or talk to. Recently, within the last few months, I started noticing that I have no close friends and fell into a deep depression. Then, I started noticing every small aspect of my life, how I feel like I'm not wanted by anyone, I feel disconnected from my family, I feel overworked and underappreciated. But because I'm such an introvert and felt it hard to open up to people I couldn't talk to anyone. However, 2 months ago I started talking to this girl, I've known her for 2 years now but we never really talked till this summer because we were both bored and started talking on discord to distract each other from the boredom. I started liking her but I'm pretty sure she simply wanted to be friends and I didn't want to ruin our friendship by confessing that I had feelings for her so to this day I've kept quiet about that. Well, one day my brain kept reminding me thought after thought about how i had no close friends, how i would probably die alone because I'm not brave enough to confess that i have feelings for someone, how i probably could never have this girl, and basically i began having an episode of depression. Well, she started texting me at that moment and she noticed something was different with me and asked me if I was ok... my instinct was to say yeah that I was fine but something in me made me say that no I wasn't. So we called on discord and I vented to her and afterward, I felt better. Through these past 2 months, we have gotten to know each other even more and we have driven around town watching the sunset, getting Starbucks, going to the park, etc. She has been my distraction from life and I have been hers, we have vented to each other and have helped each other get through our problems. There is only one problem that I could never vent to her and it is that I like her so much but  I've never ever told anyone that I liked them and I'm too scared that if I do it will ruin our relationship and I really don't like taking risks AT ALL. Also, side note she went on a vacation on she won't be back till Saturday, we have been texting but I try and seem very happy and glad because I don't want her to worry about me. But if I'm being honest today has just been a horrible day, my parents are annoying me, found out some other friend backstabbed me and other friends are talking behind my back and I confronted them and was made fun of. But I don't want her to find out because I see how happy she is in her vacation distracted from her life's worries. I came home and went straight into the restroom and sat in the tub with the shower running... I began speaking saying "God why don't you just **** me, take me away from here because everything hurts." I've been listening to Runaway by Aurora on repeat and i cant stop crying and i just want it all to end I hate my life, I hate how I always feel used, I hate can't speak to anyone, I hate that the only person I let close to me I'm too scared to simply say that I like her because I feel that she only wants to be friends and I don't want our relationship to be ruined. So I decided to write here because I don't know what to do. I'm out of options and everything inside of me just feels completely shattered... only reason i haven't committed suicide is because I realize how selfish I would be to do that and I could never bring myself to hurt myself physically.



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I'm so sorry you are struggling with this enormous ball of pressure and emotions. I am sorry that you feel used and that you feel you have no one to speak to freely. This website is a wonderful tool to speak open and freely with anonymity.

I honestly do not know how I would handle your situation with her. Does she give you any signs that she may be interested in you more than just a friend? I would find it hard to not acquire strong feelings for someone that I am sharing my secrets with. Beyond professionals and anonymity of the internet, I feel like sharing those feelings builds a sense of intimacy naturally. I'd give it time. Test to see if your feelings subside. I'm not sure that coming out to her would ruin the friendship for her side, so as long as it doesn't ruin it for you I think you should venture forward when you feel it is necessary and you are ready. Best of luck!

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sorry Qwark, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot.   I agree with Drained.  Don't push the romantic part because here is the thing:  even if she likes you as well and becomes your girlfriend the relationship may struggle because of your depression.  It is like buying a sports car even though you make minimum wage.  You need to do the work on yourself first before you are ready for that relationship.  You need to find a way to be happy in your life.  It is tough at your age because peer relationships are everything but over the next 6-8 years you will come to realize how trivial all that teenage stuff was and you will find perspective.  In the meantime you need to find some things to take your mind off the negative thoughts.  You are just constantly kicking them around your head.  Try staying busy.  Try to find some things you are passionate about that can take your mind off the negative self talk.  Have you ever wanted to learn to play an instrument?  Are there books you have always wanted to read?  Just try to find something and then you can connect with others who have that same passion.  Friends are important but having a few close really great friends is quality and quality is better than quantity.   Please see a therapist as well.  You need some tools to deal with your suicidal thoughts. 

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Hi Qwark!

Thanks for sharing and being so transparent! Navigating life will have you in depressed seasons at times. But don’t let it destroy you! There is hope! There is light at the end of the tunnel! There are people who care! And there are those who have shared in similar situations in life! It seems to me that you are struggling with a couple of different issues. Let me try to offer some encouragement! 1st, there is nothing wrong with being introvert. Some of the worlds best thinkers are introverts-Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg to name a few. Allowing yourself to get close to people may be challenging but as long as it builds you up go for it! As far as letting your friend know about your feelings towards her, just let it come naturally. There’s no rush. The moment will feel right. 2nd, it sounds like your depression is trying to get the best of you. It may seem there is no one to turn to. You spoke out saying “God why…”. I don’t know if you believe in God but He is the best place to turn. I’ve always found relief when seeking God. Have you considered talking to a pastor or counselor? I’ve done both and they are really helpful. Also, here are some great resources that may help.  [please PM member for link]

I’ll be praying for you!

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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Welcome to DF, @Qwark.  Glad you found us, particularly since you're having a lousy stretch right now.  I hope you're better since Wednesday.  Since I'm old enough to be your grandfather, perhaps I can add some perspective that might help a little.

Most obvious to me is that you just poured your heart out about everything that's going on.  You're very specific about the issues bothering you.  That's a pretty good chunk of self-awareness, imo.  Frankly, too, sitting in the tub with the shower running for a good cry is something to which many of us here can relate...even old farts like me.  That's really good therapy.

Yep, parents and, er, friends are gonna sometimes be a problem.  Can't comment on the parents b/c I don't know the issues, their situation, etc.  However, I can just about guarantee there are gonna be jackasses around you in school.  If you've counseling services available at school, go for it.  It helps to have at least one ally during school hours.  Also, I know you're facing social pressures in school I never had.  We didn't have social media.  We didn't have the constant testing.  Personally, I think it's f*****g ridiculous.

You mentioned Discord.  You have anyone else in the gaming community who you trust?  For that matter, is gaming a good distraction for you?

As far as the girl, it's obvious you miss her and the face time (not the app!).  That could be a part of it.  Texts just aren't the same, are they?  idk if this is an option you'd consider.  When she gets back, you could tell her you missed your time together and leave it at that.  Sounds like a tall order to exercise that kind of restraint, I know.  Since you two already have a rapport, ask her about her vacay.  And be interested in what she did.  For one, it will get you out of yourself.  I guess what I'm suggesting is that you try to visualize her experiences as she tells them to you.  Sounds to me as though you've probably already done that in other conversations with her. 

Eventually, too, it sounds like there's a good chance she'll ask about how you've been doing.  Well, be honest.  You've been doing lousy but didn't want to spoil her vacation.  Then again, it's Saturday and you may have already done all this. 😉

Edited by MarkintheDark
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