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Lost and Confused

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Hi there. I know, generic title but not even sure how to title this.

I'm currently in a 10 year marriage. Second for both of us and I'm starting to believe he legitimately hates me. 

I was diagnosed with Depression, OCD and Anxiety years ago in my youth. I've run the gamut of therapy to the point my most recent therapist told me that I have the skillset, I just have to use them. 

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He was already 5 years sober when I met him. He contended with anxiety attacks before and was ultimately diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about 4 years ago.

It's been a rough ride, but has gotten particularly hard the past couple of months. He was on cymbalta for about 6 years and his prescriber added in lithium about a year and a half ago. He weaned himself off of the cymbalta and after seeing negative effects from this, agreed to the buspar his doctor prescribed for him. This was only two weeks ago so I know it takes a bit to see the full effectiveness of the meds, but I'm questioning if we're even going to make it there.

Just tonight he became furious with me over not answering the phone when he called. My phone was on the charger and I stepped outside to water the lawn. I messaged him back within 15 minutes but the damage was already done. I do admit, this is something that's been long running. He always seems to have impeccable timing and call as soon as I put my phone down and step away. But I think he works himself into a tizzy by calling multiple times over a 3 minute time frame. 

Now normally we can work this out but tonight it was different. Pure rage through text. Even told me that I 'ruin everything with my excuses' and is currently not speaking to me. Went as far as to bring up my diagnosis and that I'm not in therapy or on meds and that he's doing everything to change and I'm not. 

Now, I'm not emotionally stable to a point where I can go "I'm cured! All of my problems are gone!", but I've co-habitated with my diagnosis for a long time. I can recognize when depression is settling in, or a panic attack, and give myself self care to work through it. Meds, recently tried Cymbalta with no luck. Previously I was a guinea pig for all of the new meds out there. I've run the gamut of them, every single one made me worse off. So, no more.

He's always said before that when he gets like this to ignore him, that he doesn't mean it and doesn't know what he's saying. Normally, I believe him because I understand the demons he's wrestling with. 

But it's been happening an awful lot the past couple of weeks, little comments here and there. More and more anger. I'm having a hard time separating the BPD from him just being done and I'm not really sure what to do.

I think I'm really looking for an unbiased viewpoint and maybe some insight as how to support him best. I question if I'm stuck in my diagnosis and refuse to see the truth in front of me, or if this is him cycling through his diagnosis. Ugh. 

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Welcome Caitline69! Good for you in reaching out. Sorry you are struggling so. You seem in a pretty good place so it sounds like it’s him. Can you try a separation? Say something like I’m not coping well with things between us and need some time away. 

I so like your words - “co-habitated with my diagnosis“. I hope to get there one day. I think you have come a long way. Also, have you tried Alanon? It will give you support in loving and living with an alcoholic even if they are recovering. 

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I’m glad you are here and thank you for sharing your circumstances and feelings. With a 10 year marriage, you have a lot of history together, including therapy and medications. It sounds like you have made great strides with your diagnosis and emotions.

Perhaps your husband’s recently changed medications aren’t working to his advantage. It’s hard to say, but from what you’ve described, it does seem that his anger is increasing for some concerning reason. I like @BeyondWeary’s suggestion about checking out an Al Anon group. It can be very beneficial.

Have you asked your husband to give feedback after switching meds? Just wonder what his response would be, if he is able to see any changes within himself. If he is bringing up you currently not being in therapy or on meds, perhaps he is resentful (or scared) to some degree, since he still is. I personally would want to know what is fueling the anger. I sincerely hope it all works out for you and your marriage. I wish you the best.

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