going through hell

[sad in grand Rapids]

I am in a living hell. I haven't been happy in more than a decade . I feel mixed up have very intense emotions. I need to change I am the problem. I need to change I'm not okay. I am ashamed of who I am. I m very sensitive I hate me.  or I do I. I don't know who I am . . I'm never know the right  thing to say. I live in my head and I feel like my heart is breaking in to million little pieces. I feel like humpty dumpty feel and you know the story. right now I feel like Chevy chase before he loses his dam mind  in front of the police. 

that's it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2018 by sad in grand Rapids
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[glfinding]

Hi rapids. Sorry you feel bad. Sleep problems really intensify our problems. I had a long day myself. Ever heard of mindfulness? Maybe do a mindfulness meditation. Or keep writing. I always find writing out my problems helps me. Feels like a breath of fresh air. 

[sad in grand Rapids]

38 minutes ago, glfinding said:

Hi rapids. Sorry you feel bad. Sleep problems really intensify our problems. I had a long day myself. Ever heard of mindfulness? Maybe do a mindfulness meditation. Or keep writing. I always find writing out my problems helps me. Feels like a breath of fresh air. 

Thanks getting in out feels good. Keeping it inside doesn't help it just leads to me exploding and says I hate my life. 

I also realise nothing going to change while I have such a low opinion of my self. I don't think highly of my self.  

I'm also having trouble talking about my feelings with my  therapist I m haven't been truly honest about the way I feel. I think I'm gonna switch threapsit I feel I have this preconceived notion about what my therapist schould be like . I think to my self God seeing her isn't doing any good. on the other hand am i just so delusional that this is a paranoid fantasy of mine. I've lied about drinking and how much I get stoned. i feel like I'm two different people regular depressive david and stoned and drinking. I don't get drunk. 

m

the way I feel changes a lot. I'm Ethier doing horrible or on top of world. I'm up and down a lot . 

I am real tired of pretending to feel good for others while you privately you think I must be nuts  I just have to be crazy if i really told someone everything in my head I would be  locked up for my own good. the doc would say you are just plain nuts because this is how I feel. 

thanks again I do really like to write. it is indeed emotional cathartic and  clarifying to post hear. 

David 

 

 

[glfinding]

Through my expeirence, 100 times better to be honest with the docs. You can never really get to the real bottom of things. I think its highly important to find one u feel comfortable talking to openly. Just remember there is no judgement. I guess looking back, was pretty scary going through real therapy. Easy to miss the point of it.  But can understand the frustration. Ive had more docs and therapists than i can remember. More med combos too. And my life has always been busy too. Juggling my personality along with everything ive had to do, has not been fun. Has left me lonely inside a lot. But therapy really did help me. This place has helped me too, still does.

[Clayjars]

Hi, I understand your struggles.  It's hard feeling all alone, but you aren't.  You have us here, and I'm sure you have others in your life that love you and care for you.  One thing you have to keep in mind as you seek to recover is to be honest with your therapist.  If you lie or pretend, they cannot give you the treatment you need.  Don't try to tell them something you think they want to hear, but be honest & tell them the truth.  If you struggle with being honest with them, you can tell them that too.