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"Independence" Day


Tilted

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Hi Tim -

Thanks for your message. To answer your question, I am "fortunate" enough to live in a place where I have access to some of the best medical care in the world.

I can't even count the number of therapists, psychiatrists and specialists I've  consulted with and I've also tried more complementary approaches such as hypnosis and EMDR.

I know that some people get frustrated because those who care about them refuse to believe that mood disorders are a health problem that needs to be treated. In many ways, I have the opposite problem.

For the most part, my circle of family and friends subscribes to the idea that any emotional problem can be "cured" if only one can find the right doctor, the right medicine, the right supplement, the right therapeutic approach.

They believe that Science and Doctors have the answer to everything, and if the treatment is not effective it must be the patient's fault somehow for not trying hard enough. 

Meanwhile, I've spent years participating in many different medical approaches to treatment and I am no better off. In some cases it has done more harm than good.

I know that some - perhaps many - people do benefit from mental health treatment, and that was also true for me earlier in life.

But in my more recent experiences I have come to find that not all emotional disorders are necessarily medical problems, or at least not problems that have medical solutions.

 

On 7/4/2018 at 10:23 AM, Tim 52 said:

Tilted;

Four years is a long time to feel so low.  I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this.  I haven't had the length of the battle that you've had, but I want you to know that I can sense how endless this is for you right now. 

i'm curious about what treatment you've received.  I imagine you've tried many, many things.  

Does anything help, even a little bit? 

Best to you on this July 4th. 

t52

 

 

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Me either. This is hell on earth.. At least there's few of us that can relate though. That as ****ed up at out of place that we feel we're still a community and that supposedly it can be cured through drugs and therapy. Trying to stay positive myself but I don't know how much more one can cry out for help and not receive it. 

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Tilted, as always, sending kind and warm thoughts your way.

I understand and feel what you're saying, very much so, within the concept that saying "I know how you feel" can never be 100% completely attained.  In reality, like the song, the cheese stands alone.

Lately, my thoughts focus (again, and a lot) on "I want to leave now, I'm ready to go".  I don't believe I'll ever take the exit by my own hand, I'll always wait until the exit opens and pulls me through it.

My days feel long and unfulfilled, my mind full of negative thoughts, and difficult to find effective distractions.

My best times are behind me now. My current life is simply circling the drain.

I've been non-participating in DF.  I came here to send you a PM hello, but the software said you can't receive PMs? So I searched for you and found this thread.

Hello also to JD, welcome to StoicLady, and hello to everyone else who posted here.  I feel connected to all of you in some way.

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1 hour ago, Lynn1954 said:

Tilted, as always, sending kind and warm thoughts your way.

I understand and feel what you're saying, very much so, within the concept that saying "I know how you feel" can never be 100% completely attained.  In reality, like the song, the cheese stands alone.

Lately, my thoughts focus (again, and a lot) on "I want to leave now, I'm ready to go".  I don't believe I'll ever take the exit by my own hand, I'll always wait until the exit opens and pulls me through it.

My days feel long and unfulfilled, my mind full of negative thoughts, and difficult to find effective distractions.

My best times are behind me now. My current life is simply circling the drain.

I've been non-participating in DF.  I came here to send you a PM hello, but the software said you can't receive PMs? So I searched for you and found this thread.

Hello also to JD, welcome to StoicLady, and hello to everyone else who posted here.  I feel connected to all of you in some way.

Thanks for poking your head in, Lynn. It's great to "hear" from you.

This:

My best times are behind me now. My current life is simply circling the drain.

Indeed. Sometimes the drain clogs and belches up sewage at me, just to make things even more miserable.

Edited by JD4010
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4 hours ago, Lynn1954 said:

Tilted, as always, sending kind and warm thoughts your way.

I understand and feel what you're saying, very much so, within the concept that saying "I know how you feel" can never be 100% completely attained.  In reality, like the song, the cheese stands alone.

Lately, my thoughts focus (again, and a lot) on "I want to leave now, I'm ready to go".  I don't believe I'll ever take the exit by my own hand, I'll always wait until the exit opens and pulls me through it.

My days feel long and unfulfilled, my mind full of negative thoughts, and difficult to find effective distractions.

My best times are behind me now. My current life is simply circling the drain.

I've been non-participating in DF.  I came here to send you a PM hello, but the software said you can't receive PMs? So I searched for you and found this thread.

Hello also to JD, welcome to StoicLady, and hello to everyone else who posted here.  I feel connected to all of you in some way.

Thanks for the message Lynn, I'd been thinking about you and glad to hear from you. My inbox must be full, so I'll fix that now - thanks for letting me now about it and hope things improve for you.

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This weekend is the occasion of an annual family trip that I've been taking for most of my life. It is also around this time that the events were set in motion that turned me into the suicidal wreck I am today.

Although it means time off from work and days spent in beautiful surroundings, this vacation also means painful reminders of the past and things that have been haunting me ever since. I'd rather just think and feel nothing at all than be exposed to these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

I'll be checking in to DF often, as it provides some useful distraction from the worst.

Today my thoughts are with everyone who is experiencing emotional suffering which no human should endure. I'm extending a big middle finger to the horrors of emotional dysfunction that destroy lives and families.

 

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1 hour ago, Tilted said:

This weekend is the occasion of an annual family trip that I've been taking for most of my life. It is also around this time that the events were set in motion that turned me into the suicidal wreck I am today.

Although it means time off from work and days spent in beautiful surroundings, this vacation also means painful reminders of the past and things that have been haunting me ever since. I'd rather just think and feel nothing at all than be exposed to these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

I'll be checking in to DF often, as it provides some useful distraction from the worst.

Today my thoughts are with everyone who is experiencing emotional suffering which no human should endure. I'm extending a big middle finger to the horrors of emotional dysfunction that destroy lives and families.

 

I hope you can at least have some peace and enjoyment during your family gathering Tilted.

 

I am envious...my family may as well not exist, for as much as my siblings keep in touch..and outside of the occasional long weekend with my son, vacations are a thing of the past for me.

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Thanks LonelyHiker for your message -  I know you are struggling and it means  a lot for you to take the time to reply.

I should be more grateful than I am for my family. I am envious of the person I used to be, the person who was able to appreciate them and return their affection.

Now my interaction with others almost always leads to conflict, as it did last night.

 

14 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

I hope you can at least have some peace and enjoyment during your family gathering Tilted.

 

I am envious...my family may as well not exist, for as much as my siblings keep in touch..and outside of the occasional long weekend with my son, vacations are a thing of the past for me.

 

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  • 1 month later...
  • 10 months later...
On 7/4/2018 at 9:17 AM, Tilted said:

July 4, 2014 was one of the last days I was truly happy. I had no idea then that just 3 months later I would completely fall apart.

This is the fourth Fourth since then and every moment of every single day is complete agony.

Sort of numb and distracted is the "best" I ever get. The rest of the time I am looking for an exit.

Severe depression and anhedonia have destroyed my career, my family and my life. Treatment has not made a difference. 

My thoughts are will all of you who are struggling today and every day. I can't think of anything worse than losing a life to emotional dysfunction.

This was last year, although it could have been any time from 2015 on. Today is already shaping up to be worse than last "Independence Day" by a wide margin. To everyone who is suffering, my heart goes out to you. It is unbearable beyond words.

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Yes days like this make things worse because we are supposed to be free but most of us are never free and never see any hope of anything changing ever again.  Most people will be happy and celebrate today.  Me I hope this is my last day.

Edited by sober4life
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Sorry you're still struggling Tilted...I am as well.. 

I work today, as I do most if not all "holidays"...I use " " because holidays don't mean jack to me anymore. Just another day...

As for this particular day, and at the risk of sounding anti-American, I'll quote my favorite band:

Better the pride that resides in a citizen of the world,

Than the pride that divides when a colorful rag is unfurled...

- Rush, Territories

 

Edited by LonelyHiker
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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Yes days like this make things worse because we are supposed to be free but most of us are never free and never see any hope of anything changing ever again.  Most people will be happy and celebrate today.  Me I hope this is my last day.

Right, festivities just throw our on misery into sharper contrast - or at least that is my experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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At least working you have some focused distraction I suppose. I hate my job but at least when I am there I am exposed to fewer painful reminders of the past, and the monotonous tasks provide some temporary diversion to destructive thoughts. Hope you made the best of it, Hiker! Lakeside Park, Willows in the breeze...

21 hours ago, LonelyHiker said:

Sorry you're still struggling Tilted...I am as well.. 

I work today, as I do most if not all "holidays"...I use " " because holidays don't mean jack to me anymore. Just another day...

As for this particular day, and at the risk of sounding anti-American, I'll quote my favorite band:

Better the pride that resides in a citizen of the world,

Than the pride that divides when a colorful rag is unfurled...

- Rush, Territories

 

 

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