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"Independence" Day


Tilted

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July 4, 2014 was one of the last days I was truly happy. I had no idea then that just 3 months later I would completely fall apart.

This is the fourth Fourth since then and every moment of every single day is complete agony.

Sort of numb and distracted is the "best" I ever get. The rest of the time I am looking for an exit.

Severe depression and anhedonia have destroyed my career, my family and my life. Treatment has not made a difference. 

My thoughts are will all of you who are struggling today and every day. I can't think of anything worse than losing a life to emotional dysfunction.

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Today is Independence Day so perhaps it's time to declare your independence from Old Man Depression aka King George the  Third.

Just a thought.

The EXIT to your depression cave of course is also the ENTRANCE.

My approach is to metaphorically turn my back on my ENTRANCE/EXIT.

It does take effort but what choice do I have ?

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Tilted;

Four years is a long time to feel so low.  I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this.  I haven't had the length of the battle that you've had, but I want you to know that I can sense how endless this is for you right now. 

i'm curious about what treatment you've received.  I imagine you've tried many, many things.  

Does anything help, even a little bit? 

Best to you on this July 4th. 

t52

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I haven’t been able to enjoy my life since 2014. That’s four years now. All the christmases and birthdays I have experienced have been nothing, but a distraction. I also suffer from anxiety which makes me feel like I’m going to faint. I hate this.

 

I should enjoy my life. I should have fun. Instead I’m struggling every God damn day.

 

 

Edited by JustAnotherSufferer
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I tried to snuff it back in 2013. Screwed that up and then got divorced the next year. That should have been the start of my independence but it wasn't. Financially I'm nailed down tight. The divorce settlement and like that.

Anyway! I'm sorry, bro. I truly am. I have vague memories of enjoying myself but they are fading.

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8 hours ago, Tilted said:

July 4, 2014 was one of the last days I was truly happy. I had no idea then that just 3 months later I would completely fall apart.

This is the fourth Fourth since then and every moment of every single day is complete agony.

Sort of numb and distracted is the "best" I ever get. The rest of the time I am looking for an exit.

Severe depression and anhedonia have destroyed my career, my family and my life. Treatment has not made a difference. 

My thoughts are will all of you who are struggling today and every day. I can't think of anything worse than losing a life to emotional dysfunction.

I hear you my friend... can't really even remember the last day I felt any sort of peace or contentment... early 2011 maybe.

And holidays don't mean anything to me anymore. 

Keeping you in my thoughts as well, Tilted. May we all find some peace, somehow, some way, some day...

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I tried to snuff it back in 2013. Screwed that up and then got divorced the next year. That should have been the start of my independence but it wasn't. Financially I'm nailed down tight. The divorce settlement and like that.

Anyway! I'm sorry, bro. I truly am. I have vague memories of enjoying myself but they are fading.

Thanks for the kind words JD. You deserve to have some enjoyment in your life.

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I hate it too JustAnother. It hurts to be reminded of life before depression, and reminders are everywhere. 

Especially tines like right now when surrounded by people celebrating.

4 hours would be too much, and four years is just unbearable for anyone. Peace to you.

 

8 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I haven’t been able to enjoy my life since 2014. That’s four years now. All the christmases and birthdays I have experienced have been nothing, but a distraction. I also suffer from anxiety which makes me feel like I’m going to faint. I hate this.

 

I should enjoy my life. I should have fun. Instead I’m struggling every God damn day.

 

 

 

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This is my first post, and I'm typing blindly through tears, because all of you sound like the thoughts in my own head.  I'm a mess.  I'm in counseling now,a nd very grateful for it.  I hate July 4 because the noise bothers me (i mean, it really, really affects me) and it reminds of happy times, which I rarely have anymore.  My relationship with all family is strained to almost non-existent.  My father died in Jan. and I was notified by a letter from my mom.  My daughter is grown and no longer keeps in touch.  Friends of many years have been distant and I am trying to develop new ones.  To top everything off, a job that I had really high hopes for laid me off on MOnday.  I have to find another job within 2 weeks or I am in deep.  I do have an interview lined up.

Yes, it's one day at a time.  It's also one blow at a time.

I came here, to sign up for the long haul - maybe I can make a new friend.  I'm trying to find things to be grateful for and it's just really hard knowing that I am alone right now at a time when family and friends normally gather.  I'm depressed, anxious, and trying to hold it together. In short, I relate to all of you.

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I'm right here with you. This is the first time I'm going to be missing out on my favorite holiday, at my favorite place of nostalgia since I was a child. It really is terrible when nothing just seems to have a positive effect anymore. I think of the fourth of July every year before last and how great it always was to spend a day just enjoying all of the festivities.. now I can't leave my house. The depression/anxiety is always there but the best we can do is remember that we still have that special place in our hearts and that maybe.. just maybe.. we can all feel that way again someday.  

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1 hour ago, StoicLady said:

This is my first post, and I'm typing blindly through tears, because all of you sound like the thoughts in my own head.  I'm a mess.  I'm in counseling now,a nd very grateful for it.  I hate July 4 because the noise bothers me (i mean, it really, really affects me) and it reminds of happy times, which I rarely have anymore.  My relationship with all family is strained to almost non-existent.  My father died in Jan. and I was notified by a letter from my mom.  My daughter is grown and no longer keeps in touch.  Friends of many years have been distant and I am trying to develop new ones.  To top everything off, a job that I had really high hopes for laid me off on MOnday.  I have to find another job within 2 weeks or I am in deep.  I do have an interview lined up.

Yes, it's one day at a time.  It's also one blow at a time.

I came here, to sign up for the long haul - maybe I can make a new friend.  I'm trying to find things to be grateful for and it's just really hard knowing that I am alone right now at a time when family and friends normally gather.  I'm depressed, anxious, and trying to hold it together. In short, I relate to all of you.

So sorry to hear about everything you've been dealing with, StoicLady..I wish I had some sage advice to offer. Yes, you are not alone. I hope your interview goes well and you land the job. 

Wishing you peace and better times.

 

 

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Welcome StoicLady - no one should have to go through what you are experiencing. 

Hope you are able to find some quiet in the noise tonight, and good luck with the interview.

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1 hour ago, drb1290 said:

I'm right here with you. This is the first time I'm going to be missing out on my favorite holiday, at my favorite place of nostalgia since I was a child. It really is terrible when nothing just seems to have a positive effect anymore. I think of the fourth of July every year before last and how great it always was to spend a day just enjoying all of the festivities.. now I can't leave my house. The depression/anxiety is always there but the best we can do is remember that we still have that special place in our hearts and that maybe.. just maybe.. we can all feel that way again someday.  

Thank you so much. The site wouldnt let me like your post. Thank you ALL in fact.

Im grateful to be here.

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To Tilted and Stoic Lady, thank you for posting.

 I’m so glad I came across your posts, I do get the pain and sadness you’re going through,  right now I’m clinging to the hope that life won’t always be this difficult. It’s hard to go on when it feels like this will never change. I wish peace for you tonight. 

Katzenjammer

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8 hours ago, Tilted said:

I hate it too JustAnother. It hurts to be reminded of life before depression, and reminders are everywhere. 

Especially tines like right now when surrounded by people celebrating.

4 hours would be too much, and four years is just unbearable for anyone. Peace to you.

 

 

It certainly is! I got used to the feeling though. I don’t know how it feels to feel happiness and all that, I only feel anxious and numb all the time. I feel so empty.

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12 hours ago, StoicLady said:

Thank you so much. The site wouldnt let me like your post. Thank you ALL in fact.

Im grateful to be here.

@StoicLady I too am grateful for everyone at this site. And the site itself! Welcome, my friend. This is a wonderful bunch of people. I feel closer to the DF family than I do my own biological relatives.

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2 hours ago, Tilted said:

Well, my country is another year older and I am still depressed af...nothing to celebrate here.

Thanks to everyone who responded and wishing you well in your struggles.

Yes. Same to you, my friend. We shouldn't have to be going through this sh!t. Day after day after day.

My one highlight for the 4th was seeing a perfectly restored 1950 Mack-cabbed fire truck on display. It was gorgeous. I think I will upload a picture of it into my gallery.

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Thanks Rozzie86 - I appreciate the thought!

On 7/5/2018 at 12:11 PM, Rozzie86 said:

((((hugs)))) to you.  I wish I knew what to suggest.

 

Edited by Tilted
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On 7/5/2018 at 1:32 AM, Katzenjammer said:

It’s hard to go on when it feels like this will never change. I wish peace for you tonight. 

Katzenjammer

Thanks Katzenjammer - yes, it is so hard to go on when it feels like this will never change.

I never expected my life to be free from suffering, but when there is no joy or peace to balance it out I don't see any point.

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On 7/4/2018 at 9:02 PM, PatrickStarIRL said:

Just want to offer you some support. Know you arent alone in how you feel. Positive vibes your way. 🙂

Thanks for your kind words Patrick

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On 7/4/2018 at 8:43 PM, drb1290 said:

I'm right here with you. This is the first time I'm going to be missing out on my favorite holiday, at my favorite place of nostalgia since I was a child. It really is terrible when nothing just seems to have a positive effect anymore. I think of the fourth of July every year before last and how great it always was to spend a day just enjoying all of the festivities.. now I can't leave my house. The depression/anxiety is always there but the best we can do is remember that we still have that special place in our hearts and that maybe.. just maybe.. we can all feel that way again someday.  

I can so relate. Although I've always been somewhat moody, SEVERE depression and anhedonia did not enter my life until relatively recently. I suppose I should be grateful that I had many years of fulfillment, but now even my happiest memories just serve as bitter reminders of what has been lost.

Like you, I can barely leave the house because of it - when just a few years ago I was travelling the world for work and pleasure. I seriously do not want to go on like this.

 

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