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Subconcious sabotage?


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Ill be blunt hopefully someone can tell me whats disconnected in this warped brain of mine.

I fall in love where its never going to be returned.  Deeply and probably obsessively.

There are those who have told me they love me back but i cannot accept it or feel the same fire i have for those who rejected me.

Those rejections were not from people i only knew in a shallow way, mind.  They were people i knew varying from several months to years.

Is it merely that I keep trying to feed in to my own self hatred? That I fall in love with people that will never return it merely so I can continue to beat myself up?

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Sorry for just now getting to this, arnoldjrimmer. 

It sounds like you are trying to sort out why you seem to have stronger feelings for those you think you 'cannot' have.  Did I understand correctly?

I think it's a good thing that you can be aware of this tendency, and that you are trying to figure out how to work past it. 

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I dont know what to do.  The only advice i get from people is to "move on"

Moving on for me takes years.  I dont fall lightly for people.  The first time it happened was pre internet and took 8 years or so and moving halfway arround the world.

The second was a dissaster i finally have accepted after another 5 years.

This last one is the worst.  Its someone i trusted and even though i knew there couldnt be a real relationship i always thought we would be something.  At least friends.

The words "ill never leave you" always replay.

Now im 50 and there is nothing ahead.  The closest i come to feeling normal is when im dreaming.

But i always wake up.

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Sorry you're dealing with this stuff, ArnoldJRimmer. I understand what you mean by selfsabotage. I am a pro at it. The last couple of times I was "involved" with someone, I drove them away before they could leave. Maybe not quite the same thing you're talking about, but the same idea, I think..

 

I am 50 also, BTW. I doubt I'll live to see 51. I may not live to see next month.

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This sounds like a very complex issue and it's hard to say much without knowing the situation in detail.

But superficially at least it sounds to me like you have you have significant abandonment issues and because of this your mind gives a disproportionate amount of importance to people that reject or abandon you in any way, since that possibly triggers that insecurity in you and ironically may harm any actual relationships you may have since you focus so much on those that are gone than on those that may be there at any given time.

I think many of us wish that there was an easy way to form fail proof relationships that we could be 100% sure that they're reliable forever, but that's just not how people work, so if too much of your self worth and esteem is based upon others then it becomes dangerous because when people leave or move on they take away a significant part of that with them and you're left struggling.

So then the possible solution would be to build yourself up more, to feel more content and satisfied independent of the actions of others. Of course that is a lot easier said than done in practice.

 

 

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@LonelyHiker i hope things get better for you.  Part of me hopes i dont have to be here much longer as well but im too terrified to actively do anything.  I guess seeing someone suicide in front of me when i was 16 made me see what it does to everyone arround.  It does hurt people who dont deserve pain.

I keep worrying that if i died, id merely be stuck with the same pain.  I always was a twisted dreamer....i keep wishing the dreams could be real.

I know i drive others away.  Its my fear that does it.  Its really unfair of me and i hate that i harm those i love even if its a flawed and unworthy love.

@Crimson_Wings

You are correct.  I know i base my self worth on others opinion.  Every time it was the same.   Id see their eyes light up when i arrived and i felt invincible.  They loved me and i worshiped them for it.

But worship wears thin.  Some love it for a while but loathe it eventually.  I try to ease up as soon as i know im doing it but usually its past the point where the other has cooled.  Thats when i panic.  Im drowning and i cling.

And frankly a desperate, clinging man is disgusting.

Everything turns inward.  Rage, hate, disgust.  I took people i loved and made them hate me.  I dont know how to break this.

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