Need help/advice. I am drowning! Need support

[Sarahh2018]

 I need help.

I am having a very hard time. 

My exboyfriend and I were dating for over 2 years. I lived with him for several months at the end. He broke up with me over 2.5 months ago because of a big issue we were trying to compromise on and that he was depressed and stressed. I had no idea he was depressed as he hid it from everyone. He has a family history of depression and has a hard childhood. He has had chronic pain for 1.5 years due to a car accident and hid the amount of pain he was in from that as well. Overall, we were very happy together but towards the last few weeks we were fighting a lot. He was withdrawing and I felt neglected so naturally walls went up and fights began. He is still willing to speak to me. He will answer my calls if I call, answer texts, etc. He is still very kind to me. He says he can't get back together because he is not well but that he can't promise me anything in the future. He says that after he broke down and went to this dark place that things have changed for him. He also doesn't find as much pleasure in other hobbies/things that he enjoyed immensely.  He says something is blocking his feelings for me. He blames me for part of his depression because of the big issue we were fighting about as it put pressure/stress on him, however, he was the one who was holding the cards on it.

Every time I speak to him and we talk about our relationship, he blames me or nitpicks things about me that he doesn't like. The things hes saying he doesn't like are not big issues, just issues he could have come and spoken to me about which he never did. He says he doesn't see a future with us anymore which is crazy because even a few months ago we were so happy. He tells me I need to move on but then says he doesn't want to know if I'm dating other people. He tells me he might not regret his decision but when I ask if he is saying' we are completely done, he says "I don't know". 

I haven't contacted him in almost 2 weeks as I am very hurt by all the things he says. He is tearing my heart apart. I have fallen into situation depression now. I haven't been eating or sleeping in over 2 months. I have lost a significant amount of weight. I cannot function at work. I cry every day. I stay in bed and miss work a lot. I am completely lost and broken. I am still in complete shock that I am in this position now. What do I do? Do I keep in contact with him? Do I not? How can his feelings change so fast? He says he can put his feelings in a box and put them away and doesn't miss me as much anymore. This is very painful and I am hurting myself (not on purpose- by not eating/sleeping/ doing anything)over it.

Edited June 11, 2018 by Sarahh2018

[lonelyforeigner]

Not staying in touch may be best, it's a lot harder to get over someone who's still in your life. Perhaps sometime down the road when both of you have gotten over it you can be friends again.

His behavior is normal for someone who's really depressed and is in both emotional and physical pain. The things that may seem like minor issues to you can be major issues to him when he's at the end of the rope, pointing out something small even if it's trivial like asking him to put his plate away can seem like nitpicking. Think back to when you were a teenager, did your parents annoy you by saying or doing things that wouldn't bother you now? It's kinda like that, anything is too much. A relationship is a lot of work despite the support it can provide, he must have felt that the work outweighs the benefits. Not something you can change and you probably couldn't have prevented it. 

All this doesn't mean that he doesn't still care about you, just that he can't be in a relationship right now. Most likely this is also why he doesn't want to hear about another guy, he understands that you should move on but it'll still hurt him. 

[Floor2017]

Well said lonelyforeigner, he probably does still have feelings for you, but he just can not dwell

upon them right now because he is battling things that are going on with his mind that he just

barely have the strength to deal with.  I suggest that you might need to give him some time to work

on himself, so that he can get himself  together.  If by some chance the both of you can work out

the problems that the both of you are having it still might be a chance that the two of you can have

a relationship again.  You probably just need to concentrate on you for now and just think about

a relationship when the both of you are much better.   

[BeyondWeary]

Yes, I agree. It sounds like his issues are about him and not about you. Sick and in pain people often hurt those closest to them without thinking. Can you see a good therapist to help you through this?

[MarkintheDark]

Welcome to DF, if no one's said it.  You're probably not getting the answer you wanted, but it's probably best you listened to it.  We're folks with experience on BOTH sides of this.  I hope you'll bear with me if I'm candid.

As painful as the situation is for you right now, your own physical and emotional health needs to be your #1 priority.  If therapy is available, go for it.  At the very least, you need to make a clean break on all contact for the sake of your own sanity.  Good that you've gone almost two weeks with no contact.  Keep it up.  Block his number.  Block his social media.  You can't "fix" him.

I'll add some insight into where he's at, having walked a few miles in his shoes.  Simply, he's overwhelmed.  For one, he's dealing with chronic pain.  I can tell you from experience, that in itself becomes so distracting that anyone's thinking goes south.  As for the depression, not only does he feel he's not good enough for himself, he's not good enough for anyone.  And, yeah, he's gonna snap on what may seem to you like inconsequential issues because they can automatically trigger just more issues.  Focus is extremely difficult for him, if not impossible.  Again, you can't "fix" it.  You're not qualified.

If you're losing weight, not sleeping and your job performance is tanking, you need to get professional help for YOURSELF.  If you can only manage to do one thing tomorrow, let that be it.

 

Edited June 11, 2018 by MarkintheDark

[purposelife]

Sorry you are going through a difficult time. Break ups are tough and can take awhile to get over. I think it would be easier to move forward without any contact from him. Try doing things you like. If your depression is stopping you from doing normal activities, it would be a good idea to speak with your doctor or seek counseling. I pray it gets better for you. Take care

[Sarahh2018]

On 6/11/2018 at 6:31 PM, MarkintheDark said:

Welcome to DF, if no one's said it.  You're probably not getting the answer you wanted, but it's probably best you listened to it.  We're folks with experience on BOTH sides of this.  I hope you'll bear with me if I'm candid.

As painful as the situation is for you right now, your own physical and emotional health needs to be your #1 priority.  If therapy is available, go for it.  At the very least, you need to make a clean break on all contact for the sake of your own sanity.  Good that you've gone almost two weeks with no contact.  Keep it up.  Block his number.  Block his social media.  You can't "fix" him.

I'll add some insight into where he's at, having walked a few miles in his shoes.  Simply, he's overwhelmed.  For one, he's dealing with chronic pain.  I can tell you from experience, that in itself becomes so distracting that anyone's thinking goes south.  As for the depression, not only does he feel he's not good enough for himself, he's not good enough for anyone.  And, yeah, he's gonna snap on what may seem to you like inconsequential issues because they can automatically trigger just more issues.  Focus is extremely difficult for him, if not impossible.  Again, you can't "fix" it.  You're not qualified.

If you're losing weight, not sleeping and your job performance is tanking, you need to get professional help for YOURSELF.  If you can only manage to do one thing tomorrow, let that be it.

 

Thank you for responding. Its not been 3.5 weeks of no contact. It is still very hard. I miss him alot. I feel like he is focusing on the few negative things in our relationship but in fact we had an amazing relationship. Even after taking the space from him, I still feel we belong together. I can't seem to get him to see past the negative. I know I can't fix him that is why I backed off. But I feel badly because the last communication was me saying how I didn't deserve to be treated this way and that he was being manipulative. The reason I said this was because when he broke up with me he said it was for the depression and the issue we fought about then it became little issues about me and that he wasn't sure about me anymore and as weeks went on it was worse and worse. I want him back. I miss him. I love him so much. He is going to therapy but who knows how long it will take. I'm leaving in 5 days for a trip for 6 weeks. Do I contact him? Do I let him know? More importantly, do I apologize for ending our last conversation so rudely ?

Edited June 22, 2018 by Sarahh2018