Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Sophy

Being liked vs being respected

Recommended Posts

I've been thinking about this recently.

Maybe I'm a bit weird, but I'm not actually all that fussed whether people like me.

What I truly care about is whether I am respected.

I find people being disrespectful to me a huge trigger.

(Dunno why.)

Whereas if people don't like me, I'm usually "Yeah, whatever, I'm no fan of yours either"

But wow, being disrespected triggers me big time.


I think people often find this weird.

They notice that I have a vibe of not "needing" to be liked.

So I seem pretty independent and like I'm not interested in people's opinions.

And I think people are surprised, that I feel hurt when I'm disrespected.

I don't think they see any difference between the two.


Being "liked" is just something I don't particularly value.

Sure, it's nice when it happens.

But I don't sit around waiting for it to happen and I don't seek it.

Respect is the currency I want to be paid.


Is that really dysfunctional? Haha

I grew up in a weird, emotionally abusive family, so it wouldn't surprise me!

Maybe it's a slightly autistic trait to ignore the emotional aspect of social interaction and to focus on the more factual nature of the transaction (respect) ?

Hmmm.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mind is a bit of a paradox. I feel anyone who likes me would consequently respect me. However, I feel anyone who respects me may not be acting on legitimate sentiment, but instead social conformity.

I try to respect everybody for one reason only, because I don't know what path they have walked. What they've been through, what they've done. To me respect is nothing more than a door, used to distinguish allies from my enemies. And yet when someone disrespects me I feel it is a personal attack on the very essence of who and what I am. And it can not go uncorrected. 

...........So I guess I choose to be respected. 😅 

 

Edited by legacy6364

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, legacy6364 said:

My mind is a bit of a paradox. I feel anyone who likes me would consequently respect me. However, I feel anyone who respects me may not be acting on legitimate sentiment, but instead social conformity.

I try to respect everybody for one reason only, because I don't know what path they have walked. What they've been through, what they've done. To me respect is nothing more than a door, used to distinguish allies from my enemies. And yet when someone disrespects me I feel it is a personal attack on the very essence of who and what I am. And it can not go uncorrected. 

...........So I guess I choose to be respected. 😅 

 

Yeah, it's weird, huh? : )

It's certainly a fuzzy concept, that lends itself to paradoxes.

I'll give you an example that might make it clearer - at work, I don't necessarily "like" my colleagues, in the sense that I wouldn't choose to be friends with them, in my private life.

But I can certainly respect them in the joint setting we are in. I admire their work or I admire certain characteristics and traits and skills - even though these are not the things I tend to "like" about my friends.

Does that kind of make sense?

And that's the kind of respect I want.

I'm not fussed if my colleagues "like" me. (Or whether other people do.)

I want respect in a more matter-of-fact way.

I want to be taken seriously. I want my opinion to matter. I want my work to be valued.

I'm not trying to win some popularity contest, haha : D

And for some reason, I'm like that in my private life too, not just at work.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm very needy.  I'm trying to get away from needing to be liked.  The neediness comes from major depression.  I have no self respect during my needy desperate times.  I can't stand the site of myself in the mirror during these times.  When I'm doing well I don't care what others think about me.  I would much rather be the person that tries to do well and people respect me for doing well instead of begging like a dog for scraps.  It's very hard to stay confident though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, Sophy said:

Yeah, it's weird, huh? : )

It's certainly a fuzzy concept, that lends itself to paradoxes.

I'll give you an example that might make it clearer - at work, I don't necessarily "like" my colleagues, in the sense that I wouldn't choose to be friends with them, in my private life.

But I can certainly respect them in the joint setting we are in. I admire their work or I admire certain characteristics and traits and skills - even though these are not the things I tend to "like" about my friends.

Does that kind of make sense?

And that's the kind of respect I want.

I'm not fussed if my colleagues "like" me. (Or whether other people do.)

I want respect in a more matter-of-fact way.

I want to be taken seriously. I want my opinion to matter. I want my work to be valued.

I'm not trying to win some popularity contest, haha : D

And for some reason, I'm like that in my private life too, not just at work.

 

It makes perfect sense to me. I don't find it weird at all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I won't revisit the discussion you and I had in another thread about our similar recent experiences.  We're in the same boat professionally.  But I'm glad you boiled it down to "like" vs. "respect."  Strangely, in the discussion we had, you just made me realize it was those with whom I strongly disagree politically who were the first to jump right in to my defense professionally.  Apparently I'd already the respect I didn't know I had.

Because of the emotional abuse in my upbringing, yeah, I've had the tendency towards people-pleasing.  I learned to rechannel that in my media career.  However, having been out all my adult life, I know I essentially have a target painted on my back and therefore have had to learn to stand up for myself.  It's taken me decades to even start to figure out a balance...and not lose the qualities I like in myself in the process.

Now that I think about it, I suppose for me it's been about projecting that I'm in charge of myself (if that makes sense), whether I'm being affable, serious, or even confrontational.  As if that wasn't tall enough of an order, I've noticed in recent years - sometimes to my dismay - younger folk are sometimes looking to me as a role model (heaven help 'em).

I suppose I'm saying that like and respect haven't usually been either/or propositions for me.  What I've found distressing the past few years is my sense that a lot of people see respect as optional.  Consequently, I'm more likely to ditch my more genial approach these days.

(Man, that was a rant...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great points, @MarkintheDark !

You're absolutely right, like and respect are not "either/ or" propositions and the way I opened the topic/ thread does kinda imply that.

I guess for me there is a difference in that I CARE whether I am given respect (it's something I pay attention to and am very aware of) whereas being liked is often something I'll ignore and be surprisingly "meh" about.

I applaud you for your personal growth journey in dealing with a prejudice/ minority situation. I know how deeply challenging that is.

Many of us know what it is like to be an a minority or even multiple minorities and to be subjected to prejudice and disrespect.

The people that manage to rise above it and shine in their humanity truly amaze me and I have fought hard, to be like that too.

I think once you tap deeply into your inner sense of dignity, other peoples' disrespect becomes more a reflection of them and their shortcomings and it stops being something you feel like you have to "own".

While I'll probably continue to be someone who prefers being respected to being liked, I would like to become more immune to disrespect.

I don't like the fact that disrespect is so triggering for me.

I wish I could be a bit more equanimous about it.

But I think, for me, differentiating between like and respect has been a good first step in that process.

Because it used to confuse me that I'd be quite happy just doing "whatever" and not caring whether people liked it, but then, suddenly being an overly sensitive drama queen as soon as someone would disrespect me.

It confused me  : D

I think I'll read up a bit on what "respect" is and what it isn't and how people disrespect each other and how they deal with that, etc.

I think one thing I like about respect is that for me, it runs deeper and is more solid and strong than "liking".

I guess I think of emotions like liking as being more fickle - and I don't want to make myself be dependent on someone else's moods and preferences.

Respect feels like something I can earn - something dependable and reliable.

But we probably all have different definitions of things like respect and liking, so it might all be a bit comparing apples and oranges too! : )

 

Edited by Sophy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Now that I think about it, I suppose for me it's been about projecting that I'm in charge of myself (if that makes sense), whether I'm being affable, serious, or even confrontational.  As if that wasn't tall enough of an order, I've noticed in recent years - sometimes to my dismay - younger folk are sometimes looking to me as a role model (heaven help 'em).

And yeah, this makes perfect sense.

I think it ties into what you said yesterday about not "reacting".

There's a big difference in choosing how you act from a place of sovereignty, independence and free choice compared to feelingl like you are reacting to those around you, being buffeted by a storm.

I guess it's like learning how to surf - at first, staying on top of a board with the motion of the sea and gravity doing crazy stuff - seems impossible. But once you can do it, you've got an inner balance and equilibrium - and it's hard to remember what it was like when you didn't have it.

I must say that I love the process of getting older.

Each age has been interesting, but I do enjoy the personal growth and greater sovereignty and equilibrium that I'm experiencing at 40.

I find this so important that I'm willing to accept all the stupid aspects of aging for this inner calm and wisdom.

Edited by Sophy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You nailed it again.  Disrespect is the one thing that will set me off...and what a damn challenge for me not to (figuratively) pulverize the person.  I'm big on differentiating - here's another one for you - between assertive and aggressive.  I do ok with it, but it's not second nature to me yet.

Particularly the past few years with my medical issues and sometimes unprofessional behavior - I'm being generous - I can sometimes channel what I call my Inner Spock.  Like him, I find cold logic throws 'em off balance.  I can usually now hold a beat before responding.  Sometimes that response is as simple as, "No" with the appropriate look-em-straight-in-the-eye glare.

Here's something odd.  I've always preferred the phone since I have voice training.  That works well for benign situations.  I'm finding, though, face-to-face is preferable in most sticky situations, as much anxiety as I might experience.  That's just plain weird to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excellent excellent topic.

I prefer respect than like.  I have found people who like me often do not respect me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...