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Joe Fubar

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Hello all. Not sure if I'm in the right place, or even the right website. I just know that I'm terribly depressed and have no friends or anyone who'll listen. I'm middle aged and failing miserably at life. Was doing well all around, now, overall, in the $hitter. And things keep getting worse. Just about lost all hope. Things suck real bad. 

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Hello Joe and welcome to DF

I'm sorry you are depressed and isolated. They often come together and feed each other unfortunatly. It's very courageous of you to seek out help, congratulations for reaching out! Hopefully coming hear will contribute to breaking the isolation. Are you getting professional help for the depression?

 

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Hi. Thank you for welcoming me. Not getting "professional" help - nothing but problems with it in the past. Tried lots of prescriptions too. More harm than help. I really think there is no cure for my depression. I read a lot of forums, but am just trying to reach out now. Not exactly sure why. Don't know if it really matters. 

If life is a game - like Stillstandingtall just said, then I'm definitely losing. I have a ton of things that I am grateful to God for, yet I still feel aweful. I guess that's the disease. 

Thanks for the replies. 

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Welcome Joe.  This is a great place to start and Kudos for reaching out.  Hopefully by talking here you won't feel so isolated, which in turn will hopefully lessen your depression.  Life can be so hard at times, leaving us feeling kicked while we're down.  Perhaps try journaling to help find what is really getting you down.  Along with that consider journaling positive things that happen.  Positives don't have to be huge, several small ones can boost our mood.  Like got to work on time, made it through the word day, took a walk and noticed some beautiful flowers, etc.  Try to balance the negative with as many positives as possible.  And come back when you need to talk.  Take care and keep on keeping on.

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The downward spiral continues. At this age my life should be getting easier. Instead it gets more difficult. I don't feel like small accomplishments like getting to work on time are noteworthy, because it's already expected of me. Providing for my family would be an accomplishment. Failing miserably there. I go to work and help people for a living, yet screw up the lives of the people closest to me. With each passing day, self esteem drops, self hate grows. 

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@Joe Fubar

Hi Joe.  I didn't get a chance to welcome you to the Forums because I was in the hospital.  I am so sorry you are feeling badly.  

I don't know if you realize it or not, but posts like the one's you've written here on the Forums help me and many other people to keep going . . . to keep staying alive.  And that is not only very healing but it is living saving. 

Having been on the Forums for more than 5 years I can't tell you how many people have told me that posts like yours have literally saved their lives.  And I know this is true from my own personal experience too.  Saving a life is not small accomplishment.  Far, far from it.  It is probably the most important and greatest accomplishment that a human being can do.

There is an old saying:  "Whoever saves a single life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world."

Are you familiar with the life of Oskar Schindler?  He was a German businessman.  His life was filled with many misfortunes and personal falls.  And yet at one period of his life, maybe the lowest period, he saved the lives of many people.  And that is what he is known for.

Saving a life can redeem a person's entire life.  It can justify an entire life.  You may not realize it, but you such a person. 

So many of us here on the Forums are living day to day and moment to moment.  People have told me that posts like yours, written from the heart are more healing and life saving that posts that offer advice.  Depression is awful and isolating.  And posts like the ones you have written help us feel less alone and isolated.  So I see you as a person of greatness; a person of high moral stature no matter what else is going on your life.   I just wanted to tell you that.

You are a person of great stature in my book and in the eyes of so many of us here on the Forums.  I am eternally grateful for what you posted here.  I only wish I could be as helpful to you as you have been to me and others.  

Maybe I am wrong, but I think that there is a hierarchy of values in the realm of accomplishments.  There was a doctor who when he was elderly decided to do something special.  He would look down when he walked so he would not inadvertently crush the little insects crawling on the ground.  He valued the lives of those little creatures.  If he saw a worm that was stuck on a sidewalk, he would put it back into the grass.  If he saw a butterfly stuck upside own in a puddle, he would rescue it.  Human greatness comes in many shapes and sizes.  

I want to thank you again for what you wrote.  It is a great honor and privilege to know you.  I know what the word Fubar means.  You are almost infinitely distant from that!  I wish you relief from your suffering.  I wish you only good things, Joe!!!   - epictetus

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Sorry you were in the hospital. I have no idea of how what I wrote helped you, but I'm glad it did. But please, im a piece of garbage, so there should be no kind words said of me. I could save a 10 lives every time I go to work and it still would make up for me being such a screw up. And unfortunately for me it doesn't make my life any better. 

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10 hours ago, Joe Fubar said:

The downward spiral continues. At this age my life should be getting easier. Instead it gets more difficult. I don't feel like small accomplishments like getting to work on time are noteworthy, because it's already expected of me. Providing for my family would be an accomplishment. Failing miserably there. I go to work and help people for a living, yet screw up the lives of the people closest to me. With each passing day, self esteem drops, self hate grows. 

Hi Joe ~ I'm on here after not logging in for quite some time, but you said a couple of things I wanted to comment on and maybe it helps to hear some outsider's different perspective:

I'm middle aged now. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which affect my sleep and make it so that I very often do not make it to work on time, or at all, so for me, getting to work on time would be a HUGE accomplishment! So know that your "trash" accomplishment would be my "treasure" accomplishment! In fact, I'm stuck in my current job with no way out since I have a fantastic boss/employer in that they have accommodated my unreliable attendance and haven't canned me yet, though I have exhausted my FMLA leave entitlement. And I am not confident I could hold down a job anywhere else, but this job bores and depresses me. So just know that for some people, your "small accomplishment" of getting to work on time (AND helping people in your job!) seems quite huge. 

I do understand the frustration with yourself since it sounds like you feel like you used to be more productive or successful (however you define that for yourself). I totally get that. I used to be a very high functioning person, so I flog myself all the time and feel pathetic for currently not even being able to manage daily life tasks (such as getting up and getting to work on time or at all, or showering, or eating, or....) I look back at my younger self like that was another person; and that does make me feel depressed. I used to accomplish so much more. So I can really relate with that feeling.

Also relate with the frustration with the mental health care system and medications. Been there, done that. I do still go to therapy, but really it's because I have to do that as a condition of receiving FMLA leave (have to be in continuous/on-going care). Though my therapist right now is decent. 

And the feeling like you help people/strangers at work more than you help the people most important to you, your family, is also a normal emotion, and I truly don't think that is limited to depressed people, either. If you think about it, most people do treat strangers/acquaintances more humanely/kindly day to day. Unfortunately, the people closest to us are the ones who see us at our worst/meanest/weakest/ugliest. We drop appearances that we hold up in public/at work, and often end up hurting those we love the most or treating them with less politeness, or having them witness us in bad states like depression; we might be able to hide our symptoms at work, but they come out in view at home, usually. (Not saying that you ARE hurting or disappointing your family, by the way, but you said you are feeling like you are failing at supporting them .... and I think everyone feels that way if they really think about it...... people with depression also seem to be cursed with being  more  introspective than non-depressed people, imo.)

I did learn one useful thing from a past therapist and maybe it helps you, too. I realize it is easier said/thought than done. But if you can think of how you would react if a friend of yours (or family/kid/whatever) said to you what you are saying about yourself and how you are feeling, what would you tell them? Would you tell them they are garbage and no good and that they are failing to support their family even though they are trying hard to do that? I doubt you would. We always judge ourselves so much more harshly than we judge other people. Depression does make us feel kind of sub-human, or defective..... but we actually ARE people. I do realize that is hard to really remember and practice when you're feeling depressed, but you have to admit, it makes logical sense. You would never say the things you are saying about yourself to someone else who came to you and said what you have said. You ARE a person, and therefore you deserve as much acceptance and compassion as you would give to someone else in your spot and struggling.

Hope any bit of that helps if only it gives a different perspective and/or makes you feel slightly less alone. Feel free to message me if you still need a friend. I haven't been on here in quite some time, but I have notifications on so I get emails if someone messages. 

Good on you for reaching out, too. I know that's not easy for me; probably isn't for you either. There are a lot of really nice and insightful people on here, so I hope you stick around. 

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Getting out of bed is not an accomplishment for me as I'm up most of the night anyway. Of course there is a ton of frustration to think I'm accomplishing something getting out of bed when it leads to no net gains for the day. Why bother? So I can go to work and help people at a job that can't support my family. My livelihood depends on people getting hurt. 

And as screwed up as my situation is, I own it. I don't blame anyone or anything else. 

No one will come to me with their problems because I have no friends. 

I spend my days and nights in a very dark place. Things just keep getting worse. I just keep praying to God for help. 

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Welcome to the forum JOE and you have come to the right place to be

able to look for a friend in the time of need.  We are all here because we

need somebody to understand what we are experiencing and what we are

going through on a daily bases.  The world don't understand us and they

believe we are just seeking attention but in reality we just want to be able

to have a normal life like everyone else, if there is such a word as being

normal in this life.  I'm praying for you that you find the peace of mind and

comfort that you are seeking to be able to cope with everyday living.

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Welcome.  I do see that you read forums but that this is the first time you are actually writing and reaching out. That in and of itself would seem to be a set in the right direction, however small of a step you may think it is. 

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A warm welcome to DF, Joe, and yeah, sounds like you're in the right place.  Some of us are in the hole.  Some are out of the hole.  Some of us, like me, commute between the two.

idk if this is helpful - I'm, too, in middle age - but the "shoulds" in my history are among the worst and most destructive challenges I've had.  fwiw, I've sometimes come to accept I'm doing the best I can, even if my best isn't good enough.  Takes a while to sink in.

I hope you'll take time to explore our stories.  And the only advice I have is that I'd encourage you to keep writing.

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Maybe I'm in the wrong place. I thought reaching out might help me. It hasn't. Maybe I'm just too accustomed to the sadness to know what to do without it. The circumstances directing my life down the drain show no sign of improving. Past is full of regret, present is constant hurt, future bleak. Tired and in pain all day and night. 

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On 6/7/2018 at 3:45 AM, Joe Fubar said:

Getting out of bed is not an accomplishment for me as I'm up most of the night anyway. Of course there is a ton of frustration to think I'm accomplishing something getting out of bed when it leads to no net gains for the day. Why bother? So I can go to work and help people at a job that can't support my family. My livelihood depends on people getting hurt. 

And as screwed up as my situation is, I own it. I don't blame anyone or anything else. 

No one will come to me with their problems because I have no friends. 

1. It seems to me that getting out of bed and going to work when you haven't slept IS an accomplishment. I know I don't do that.

2. You help people at your job, so they would feel differently about whether you accomplished something or not. And it seems that the fact that you continue to go to work DOES support your family. Maybe it's not as much money as you would like to contribute, but you're doing your best. I'm really curious whether you've shared your feelings with your family members and asked them how they feel about it/you and whether or not it makes a difference to them that you go to work to support them.

3. Many people's jobs rely on people getting hurt or having a myriad of other problems, whether trivial or not (if you think about it, pretty much all jobs rely on solving other people's problems, whether it's a product or service). It sounds like you work in health care or something. Those are widely considered some of the most taxing and heroic jobs, fyi. If you can, try to think of what your work would look like to someone else; someone you have helped.

4. It's good that you don't blame other people for your illness. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain, and it would be easy for you to lash out and take it out on others, but you are not doing that. That is a good thing and speaks to your character.

5. On your last sentence I think you misunderstood the mental exercise that a therapist taught me. It is not an actual person coming to you with a problem, but a hypothetical. If another person hypothetically came to you and said what you have said here, I highly doubt you would react to them the same way your depressed brain is reacting to you and your feelings.

10 hours ago, Joe Fubar said:

Maybe I'm in the wrong place. I thought reaching out might help me. It hasn't. Maybe I'm just too accustomed to the sadness to know what to do without it. The circumstances directing my life down the drain show no sign of improving. Past is full of regret, present is constant hurt, future bleak. Tired and in pain all day and night. 

Sorry you aren't feeling any better. I can relate with that feeling. I typically mostly read vs post when I'm ruminating while in depressed-brain. Sometimes I even get irritated at some well-intentioned people's words of "encouragement." (And I apologize if I have inadvertently offended or annoyed you with anything I've said.) So sometimes I just would rather not share and instead just process thoughts by myself. But I do think continuing to read other people's stories, and other things, is useful, if only just to see that there are other people going through similar things and the possibility of finding one little gem that helps me get through one more day. If you're obsessing on negative thoughts anyway, might as well introduce a slight possibility of finding something a little helpful.

However, I do think you need to keep some sort of connection with people, however minimal. My point is that if you are at a point where you can not share your real feelings with other people, then you can try to do mental exercises to force your brain to consider other people and how they might think. Online forums like this are sometimes helpful for people in isolation with their depressed thoughts. Maybe a phone support line would be more up your alley if you don't have family/friends to talk to and don't want to go to a therapist/doctor? It would be more "real time" and that might help get you through some of the worst moments. Everyone is different.   

I do hope you stick around, whether lurking or posting. The fact that you're still surviving is an accomplishment, and you've mentioned many others. Just giving you a random person's point of view. Penpal friend offer still stands. 

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Thank you for your kind words. I'm not quite in healthcare, but I'm part of the process. Lots of people do my job. And while i am pretty damn good at it, I can easily be replaced. Which I would be if I spoke to anyone (professional) about my depression. As far as my family goes, they must know, though I try to put my best face forward. My  children are especially upset we're losing the house. I can blame them. Their dad is a loser. 

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Guess this place ain't for me. Keep reading other people's stories, and honestly, part of me really wants to help. It's in my nature, despite my hatred of myself and inability to help myself. I can relate to so many on this site, but have no words of help to offer. I read their posts and agree with most of them. No one here can help me. And no signs of any friends for me. Just like in real life. Totally sucks. Hate myself so much. Not really meant for this world I suppose. 

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2 minutes ago, Asta said:

You don't have to be able to help people.  Just letting someone know that you read what they said or that you feel the same way is supportive.  I think it's hard for a lot of people here to be friends because they've been hurt by people or friendship is a big responsibility for someone who has depression, stuff like that.  Personal messages are too much for me now but I like to see people around on the forums.

I agree with this completely @Joe Fubar. When I'm able to, I try to offer help or at least consolation. Sometimes I can only handle the lighter, game treads. And sometimes I just stay silent and read what others write because that's all I'm able to do.

Do only as much as you're comfortable with. If you want to participate in threads or just express your agreement, go for it! It's the easiest way to get to know others here. If you're more content to sit back and read or vent about your own thoughts, those are good, too! We are all like minded people here, all going through really difficult times. We are all here for each for support and companionship, and that includes you.

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@Joe Fubar

you don't have to know anyone here to develop forum friendships - a word of encouragement or a I feel that way too is all people need to know you're there

My feeling is only a small percentage of the people here post - many just get what they need (or want?) from reading.  If you don't reach out people won't know you're there

I don't have any expectations from the people here to be my friends - they are people who understand some of my deepest and darkest thoughts - thoughts I don't want my real life friends know that I have.  Thoughts that, at times, scare me.  For me, this is the friendship I need.  Someone to hear the things in my head.

I think the problem in this connected world is that more & more people are actually disconnected.  The person next to you on the bus, at the bar, in church - say hello - if you want real life friends you need to meet real life people

my 2 cents

Edited by StillStandinTall
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@Joe Fubar, glad you have stuck around. And @Asta , @velvetpuddles, and @StillStandinTall have all said really good things here.

Everyone is different as far as how they use this site. I mostly read and when I'm able or really relate to someone, I try to let them know I relate and just validate that they are not alone in feeling a certain way or thinking of things in a certain way. I don't think I've ever made a topic post of my own, so my interaction is just responding within other people's threads. But like I said, I usually just read.

The nice thing about "chatting" with people on here, vs. other sites, is that I think we all kind of understand that the other person may not respond, or may take a while to respond, because we "get it," since socializing/conversing/interacting is difficult for most depressed people to be consistent about. (For myself, I know that is part of the reason why I have such a hard time building/maintaining friendships in real life; I am too scared to make social commitments because I don't know how my anxiety/depression will be on the day of the plans.... so obviously, people get tired of that and quit inviting the wishy-washy girl because it's a pain in the a** for them to deal with.)

So while it's always nice when people do come back to check-in here after posting, I don't think people here judge anyone if they don't come back or aren't consistent in responding. (At least that is my impression.) So it's like a lower pressure situation to have conversations.

There have been a few times where I really was worried about people I was talking to, and it did kind of suck when they didn't come back or let folks here know they were ok.... because then you wonder, well, maybe they aren't ok. But it's not like I think poorly of them for not coming back; I get it. Maybe they are feeling better and coming back would be triggering. It's not my place to judge.

And as far as DF "friends," I've had a few people who I messaged with over the years, usually for a limited period of time, and then like 2 people who I ended up continuing conversations with via email and even text/phone for  years. And sometimes it was just sending a check-in note like once a year at holidays like hey, you still hanging in there? Unfortunately I just recently lost touch with the person I texted with, as she hasn't responded to my last couple of texts within the last few months and she hasn't logged in here for quite some time. So I hope she is ok. The other person, the "email buddy" from here, I just recently responded back to him after putting it off for a year or something, so I hope to hear back from him soon. 

So bottom line, it's totally up to you how you use this site and whether you stay in touch with anyone from here. There's no "wrong" way to do it. But I do think it's ultimately good that you are continuing to check-in, because it sounds like you are just really in the depths and feeling like you can't vent to people in your life right now. We've all been there, and we're all happy to help someone else working through it. You're doing it day by day, and that is no easy feat.

Also totally up to you how much you share. I'm wondering what your bad day was about, but I don't want to push if you don't want to talk about it. 

P.S. Good job making it through another day.

 

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