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How much of your depression is due to "being different" - not fitting in, not being part of the herd, not being mainstream, being unusual etc


Sophy

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My daughter is very bookish as well. She has a huge collection of books. I take her to book signings whenever there's an author she likes coming somewhere reasonably close. Earlier this week we met a young author from India. My daughter, who is also from India, got a signed copy of the author's new book!

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2 minutes ago, Camellia said:

 

I'm sad when I read your post and others here. 

I'm finding it almost comforting to know there are others with similar outlooks to mine. Our stories are sad, but our resilience is extraordinary.

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1 minute ago, Camellia said:

@Sophy  Yes. Its hard. I'm confused sometimes about family and other people. The one thing I know is, with family we cannot run away. We have to see them, reach to them other wise we will be mark as a bad child. I'm very confuse. I always  say to myself, I didn't ask to be born in this family. @Sophy  Yes you are right, other people appreciate us more than family.

I'm sad when I read your post and others here. 

Hey Camellia,

I stopped contact to ALL of my family except for one person many years ago.

I'm not saying people should do this, but it is DEFINITELY an OPTION.

If you have a negative family, they'll probably think you are the "bad child" no matter what you do or don't do, anyway.

It was very scary at first, stopping all contact with my family. (They no longer know where I live or anything about me)

But the more than 15 years I have had zero contact have been the best 15 years of my life!

If a family is toxic, staying away from it is the healthiest thing you can do, IMO.

It's different for each person/ each family tho.

You have to find out what works for you.

I just want you to know that there are plenty of people that say "NO" to a family like that.

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10 minutes ago, Sophy said:

This'll give you an idea of the kind of freaky teenager I was: I'd go around (laughingly) telling people that anyone who didn't know how their TV worked, shouldn't be allowed to watch it.

Haha, that's almost as obnoxious as Linux fanboys, good work! 😂 

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

I'm finding it almost comforting to know there are others with similar outlooks to mine. Our stories are sad, but our resilience is extraordinary.

@JD4010  Yes JD, I feel comforting to know that  I'm not alone living with this experience. And you are one of them. Your words about our resilience  is extraordinary is comforting. 

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One thing that's been INCREDIBLY important to me on my journey is not becoming bitter or cynical.

I find that to be a LOT of work, in a society that I don't fit into and don't feel very comfortable in.

To me, becoming bitter and cyncial would be the absolute loss.

Resentful, frustrated, irritated - yes.

But I put in a huge amount of work to keep trying to find some level of compassion, understanding, acceptance as regards society.

For example, I think those call-the-dandelion-cops and call-the-window-blind-colour-cops people are much more massively damaged and psychologically ill than the likes of us. Just, in a back to front way, it's us that go and get a diagnosis and therapy to deal with THEIR illnesses and their abusive behaviour.

So as grumpy and peed off as I get about society and its insanity, I always try and tell myself that well, humanity is broken, we have been right from the start and it gets handed down with each generation.

I try to be compassionate to the kids who bullied bookish kids like us - they never got to read the books that make us wise, and they bought into bullying as a way of life. That makes them a million times more impoverished than us.

I do find this a lot of work tho!

Just as @JD4010 said that living one's life despite not fitting in is like swimming upstream all the time, I find the same is true of trying to find compassion for broken people who act out and subject others to their broken madness and make lives miserable for others.

It's constant upstream swimming to get back to compassion and understanding and to defuse bitterness and to melt cynicism.

But it's one of my biggest life aims... to not allow this stuff the victory of making me bitter or cynical.

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11 minutes ago, Sophy said:

Hey Camellia,

I stopped contact to ALL of my family except for one person many years ago.

I'm not saying people should do this, but it is DEFINITELY an OPTION.

If you have a negative family, they'll probably think you are the "bad child" no matter what you do or don't do, anyway.

It was very scary at first, stopping all contact with my family. (They no longer know where I live or anything about me)

But the more than 15 years I have had zero contact have been the best 15 years of my life!

If a family is toxic, staying away from it is the healthiest thing you can do, IMO.

It's different for each person/ each family tho.

You have to find out what works for you.

I just want you to know that there are plenty of people that say "NO" to a family like that.

@Sophy   Omg. I wish I can do like you do. I always wanted to. Go far away that none of them can find me. I don't have the guts yet to do that. I always remember they say that I will go to hell because I forget mum who had conceived and delivered me. 

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5 minutes ago, Camellia said:

@Sophy   Omg. I wish I can do like you do. I always wanted to. Go far away that none of them can find me. I don't have the guts yet to do that. I always remember they say that I will go to hell because I forget mum who had conceived and delivered me. 

Don't rush it if you are not ready yet, Camellia.

When you are ready, you will get the distance and space you need and then you will feel better.

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1 minute ago, Sophy said:

Don't rush it if you are not ready yet, Camellia.

When you are ready, you will get the distance and space you need and then you will feel better.

@Sophy  Thank you so much for your advise. I will remember that.

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Quote

@Sophy said: I find the same is true of trying to find compassion for broken people who act out and subject others to their broken madness and make lives miserable for others.

I dealt with a microcosm of this for 30+ years during my marriage. My ex was bitter and resentful towards everybody. She was vindictive as well. She had to exact her own style of vengeance on people she perceived as having wronged her.

While I could on occasion think objectively about it and (almost) feel sorry for her, the constant barrage of outbursts, tirades, and plain mean-spiritedness finally wore me down to the point of wanting to commit suicide. I tried, and failed at that (obviously).

It was a hellishly long three decades. And I don't use the term "hellish" lightly here.

Edited by JD4010
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3 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Haha, that's almost as obnoxious as Linux fanboys, good work! 😂 

I resurrected an old laptop that had been given up for dead by installing Linux onto it. Presto! it came back to life and is a real hot rod.  I'm not a fanboy, but I'm certainly a fan...I've extended the laptop's life by another 2 years so far and I love the fact that it doesn't clog up the RAM like Windows was doing.  I'm writing this message on that laptop right now, in fact! 😃

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3 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I dealt with a microcosm of this for 30+ years during my marriage. My ex was bitter and resentful towards everybody. She was vindictive as well. She had to extract her own style of vengeance on people she perceived as having wronged her.

While I could on occasion think objectively about it and (almost) feel sorry for her, the constant barrage of outbursts, tirades, and plain mean-spiritedness finally wore me down to the point of wanting to commit suicide. I tried, and failed at that (obviously).

It was a hellishly long three decades. And I don't use the term "hellish" lightly here.

I bet!

Yeah, toxic relationships, in the end you just gotta get out.

I'm glad you did!

With society it's kinda a harder relationship to get out of tho, huh?  : P

I mean we all find ways to kinda do it a bit, by becoming recluses or moving out into the middle of nowhere, like me.

But given all of humanity/ society is broken like that, it's kinda the partner we can't escape.

We have to deal with the fact that we are all scared, confused, relatively powerless little mamals living on a big, lumpy rock hurtling through space, and that stressed out, scared little mamals often treat each other like crap, in their fear and stupidity.

It's just part of the conditio humana and it's our job to DEAL WITH IT, somehow   : P

And so we do, in our own messy, stumbling, bumbling, tripping, lopsided, goofy, loopy way.

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I've always been the outsider that even the outsiders would reject.  For the most part I've been a loner.  It didn't bother me and I took pride in who I was until I almost died and had a midlife crisis after meeting someone I fell in love with.  I never cared about fitting in or being married and having children until I met her.  After meeting this person it changed me completely and forever.  It was the first time in my life I realized who I wanted to be and what I wanted to have.  So yes it causes depression being different because every second since I met her I have been trying to change and get the life I want.  I will never be with her.  She came into my life to show me what life I want.

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26 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I resurrected an old laptop that had been given up for dead by installing Linux onto it. Presto! it came back to life and is a real hot rod.  I'm not a fanboy, but I'm certainly a fan...I've extended the laptop's life by another 2 years so far and I love the fact that it doesn't clog up the RAM like Windows was doing.  I'm writing this message on that laptop right now, in fact! 😃

Haha, there's nothing wrong with liking it 🙂 Linux definitely has its advantages and depending on what your needs are it may do a better job than Windows. Fanboys tend to go overboard with their love, everything Linux is good and anything developed by "evil" Microsoft is bad, lol. Nevermind that they think you shouldn't be allowed to own a computer if you don't know how to compile a kernel. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner
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8 hours ago, Sophy said:

Yessss...

I too adored books and LIKED learning (big no-no!) loved subjects like maths and HATED P.E.

(Being a girl, I had the "menstruation" excuse and OMG I fibbed about it alot... I think I told my P.E. teacher nearly weekly that I had my period.... hahaha... P.E. made me HATE sport and exercise with a passion - something I still struggle with to this day. It took my DECADES to realise that there is such a thing as NON-COMPETITIVE sport, like cycling, running, hiking, yoga where the point is NOT making the other team feel like losers, but just ENJOYING exercise.... Don't get me started on P.E. teachers and P.E. I think it is a form of torture and abuse and I'm shocked it's allowed to be part of the school curriculum.)

But yeah, I don't even understand the pressure to CONFORM.

I ADORE having friends from all walks of life it is so  I*N*T*E*R*E*S*T*I*N*G

It seems that's a concept many people have never even HEARD OF

Thank you for your metaphor of "swimming upstream every second of every day".

That's what the constant pressure to conform and to be mainstream feels like to me to. It is relentless.

Thanks so much for posting this, it's nice knowing I'm not alone.  #MisfitsUnite  !!

🙂

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I have a picture of my 3 nieces.  2 of them are dressed normal and one of them is dressed as a giant ginger bread man.  That is me for sure.  In every room I have ever been in with people in my life I am the giant ginger bread man.

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On 5/25/2018 at 10:55 AM, Sophy said:

Yeah, me too!

I either like where I live now - super remote...

OR living in a downtown area that is really mixed/ varied/ and more anonymous where everyone also kinda gets to do whatever they want.

Either remote countryside or BIG BIG city for me : )

And OMG yes, I find lawnmowers a trigger too!!!!! People beating their lawns into submission!!! The lawn must conform!!!!

Aaaaaaaaarghhhhh I think I need to stop driving through suburbia!!!!!

LOL : )

Hello @sophie,

I live in an area where the gated community must mow the lawns weekly and it triggers my poodles terribly, where they go on barking fits and go from window to window.  In turn, It triggers me immensely, flaring up my fibro!  I would love to find a quiet space in the country,  just for my poodles and I.

Have a good rest of the weekend,

 :hearts:

~Lindsay

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A lack of social connection can definitely hurt. Having solid support networks helps, same for just being able to call someone up and go out to distract yourself. Having people to talk to who can be empathetic and understanding, and help you get through the tough times as a friend. I've parted from most of my high school friends and I live in a pretty insular area, so meeting people is hard.

Edited by Bebop
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Short answer, no idea how much being different has to do with depression. For a start, there's always the difference between being and feeling. We're depressed, there's a very good chance that other people don't see us as we see ourselves. Course that works in a multitude of ways too, quite often I'll meet people who present themselves with such confidence while I think they're a bit of a d**k, while sometimes momentarily forgetting that it could be a presentation, that this is how they want to be seen. On the one hand, it'd be great to think to hell what people think about me. Personally, I have no problem thinking that if people are nice or complimentary to me - they're just being nice cos that's how they want to be seen. 

As for not fitting in, I've felt like an outcast pretty much anywhere I've been and I think it's my depression making me feel like that, rather than actually being that much of an outcast. One of the side-effects of my depression is paranoia. I can be walking down the street and see a group of people laughing - of course they're laughing at me. They're not though, they're not even looking at me, they're not seeing the big ugly freak that I see when I look in the mirror. I think a lot of people thrive on the sense of not fitting in, or not being part of the herd as you put it. I don't know, maybe it makes them feel special. Who needs a reason? - maybe that's part of the problem, maybe deep down we do want approval and we do want to justify ourselves. Even if we'd love to not feel like that.. I don't even know what'd make us outcasts either really. However obscure our interests may be, particularly with social networking there are always going to be ways of sharing them.  I don't like Ed Sheeran or Taylor Swift, but it doesn't make me an alien. 

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7 minutes ago, babyxgothxx said:

Yep most of my depression is caused by that. Anxiety too 😞 

I'm an observer in this world, not a participant.

I'm on the outside looking in.

Same as it ever was.

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On 5/30/2018 at 4:49 PM, JD4010 said:

I'm an observer in this world, not a participant.

I'm on the outside looking in.

Same as it ever was.

Same here. I wish I was an extrovert and fit in for once instead of being an ugly, quiet weirdo

Edited by babyxgothxx
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6 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

Same here. I wish I was an extrovert and fit in for once instead of being an ugly, quiet weirdo

I must admit that I sometimes find myself resenting extroverts who seem to fit in. I'm more at ease with the "quiet weirdos." I suppose that's because I'm one of them. I can converse with people OK, but it's from the standpoint of "I don't have anything to lose" by talking to them, rather than wanting to be an equal of sorts.

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