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Gender discontentment.


Cent

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     Two and a half years ago I had a year-long phase of thinking that i was transgender. I felt discontent with my role in society and i didnt like where my future was headed as a man. These feelings went away afterward and my depression went away for a while. Since last year i have been back on meds but i havent had the feelings of gender discontentment again until now. I dont know what i want anymore, sometimes i think that i want to be a girl and sometimes i think that i'm just very attracted to girls. 

      (Sorry if this paragraph gets explicit, but i think it's neccesary to understand my feelings) I am bisexual. Whenever i imagine sexual interactions with a man i picture myself being in the more submissive role. Whenever i imagine sexual interactions with women i imagine it from a completely 3rd person perspective. I can't really imagine being with a girl sexually. I dont really understand what's going on. One of the things that triggers my depression is attractive women. Again, sometimes i think this is just because i cant get a date and other times i think it's because id like to be a girl. My dream world would be having the ability to turn back and forth from an attractive female to an attractive male, but i think the chances of that becoming a reality are slim. 

     Sometimes i feel like im the most unattractive man on the planet, my masculinity is probably the thing im most self conscious about. I think that may be because im not good at it. When im not in public or im with someone i truly trust im meek and submissive and quiet and i think that's the way i truly am, but when i'm around my friends i feel the need to be loud and boisterous and make disgusting jokes and almost every single time i walk away from a conversation like that my depression comes crashing down on me. I plan on getting therapy soon, but I have yet to receive a call back. I dont really expect you guys to have the answers, but i would appreciate any feedback you guys have. Thanks <3

 

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I can relate to most of what you are saying.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about this.   I think I know who I am but I may never be sure.  Right now I consider myself female.  I'm bisexual.  I would like to look a lot like my avatar.  I've always dreamed of being married but never once as a groom.  I kept everything a secret my whole life.  I was terrified!  I actually came out here in a drunken post and was scared to death and almost left but I stayed strong was accepted here.  Now I have no anxiety about being me.

Edited by sober4life
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Could it be an escape fantasy? Not having masculine personality traits can make it tough to be accepted by society, neither women nor men seem to have a lot of empathy for a meek and submissive guy, sadly... Seeking acceptance for the way we are is normal, the question you really need to ask yourself is if you'd still be uncomfortable being male if you had more confidence.

You say you don't like your role in society and where you're headed as a guy. Where would you be headed if you could be an attractive woman tomorrow? What is it that you would want out of life?

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the best advice that i never listened to in my life was from my therapist and from my parents and I regret not listning to them to this very day. The first peice of advice was that the grass in always greener on the other side and the second peices of advice was from my therapist who said that its better to try and live with your feelings and express yourself without surgical intervention.

I didnt listen to either of those and 5 years later I have gained a lot of weight because homones can do that to a person, I have infections that are bacterial and they go on daily and no one can seem to get to the bottom of the cause and the dicrimination ive done through from doctors, to the bank and people in the street I wouldnt wish on anyone.

 

I think they are the main issues and are pretty nasty and the fact that you are more prone to uti and you cant go as long holding pee in as you once used to.

I happy enough with my body but socially I struggle because everything seems more high maintance and I eat once a day but still gain weight but i am not as active as i once was.

 

gender and sexuaity are seprate, I often wondered why I was attracted to woman and I wondered if it was because I wanted to be like them but I like them still after surgery in a sexual way but things are different after surgery

I dont mean to offend anyone, but as a male sex was quick and it was over in a short period of time but as a woman it takes a lot longer to reach climax and things are more sensitive and aftwarards its not uncommon to get BV or thrush

 

just speaking from experiance but no two bodies are the same, the pain of going through surgery to me not even strong hospital pain killers took the edge off of the pain and I still get random pains years after.

 

if you want anyone to talk to or just to confide in, message me

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Hey @Cent

I think society's "gender roles" are really weird.

I'm female and have always instinctively felt female, but I'm not happy with society's "gender role" for women.

I don't really identify with that.

I have quite a few traits that society considers to be "male" like speaking my opinion decidedly, being loud, being independent, not being "girly", not being into makeup, etc.

When society tells me that that behaviour is not "feminine" it makes me want to puke and say w.t.f.?? (which is also not very feminine, hahaha... swearing and cussing is another "non-feminine" trait I have.

My best friend from age 13 to age 36 struggled massively with gender identity and sexuality. I think she went through pretty much every "Maybe I am ..... ?" phase I can think of. It caused her a lot of anguish. Intense anguish. Some of it I could understand, some of it I didn't "get" because I personally don't think "gender" is so important - I think it's a pretty fake social construct.

I wonder whether being raised/ conditioned in a setting where gender roles are VERY stereotyped (ie. men are strong, women are submissive, men are emotionally cold/ numb, women are hyper-emotional, etc)... I wonder whether that contributes to extreme feelings about those gender roles.

I personally am not attracted to men who are "very masculine" with all of the clicheed/ stereotypical traits, but I like men who are PEOPLE first and men second.

I guess I'm lucky that I was raised by parents who taught their kids that gender and sexuality doesn't matter, what matters is who you are and that you are happy. I think that's made the whole gender issue feel kinda irrelevant to me. I am ME. I happen to be a woman, and I think that's cool. But had I been born male, I think that'd be cool too and I'd enjoy that too.

Both genders are cool and interesting. The "stereotypical" B.S. that is foisted on and expected of both genders is ridiculous, insulting, boring, immature, demented.

Anyway, I understand that gender can be a BIG DEAL for many people, so please don't think I'm saying that it shouldn't be. I hope what I said doesn't sound disrespectful.

I just wanted to offer a different perspective on it, from someone who was raised without traditional gender roles and who hence doesn't "understand" society's gender roles.

I always say to people "my dad was my mum" btw. It comes up in conversation when people ask about my mum and I say how awful my relationship with her is. People are really like "Oh, poor you!" about me having a bad relationship to my mum. So I laugh and tell them "Don't worry, my dad was my mum!" and he really was. He was the one that did all the positive, caring, heartfelt parenting. He cooked all our meals. He was the one I could talk to about anything and everything.

I was never made to wear dresses or skirts, but had some in my wardrobe and was free to choose. I was encouraged to be a tomboy and to be intellectual and skilled and confident. I was encouraged to speak my mind, to travel, to read, to have leadership skills, to not depend on others.

I think I was kind of raised "genderless", actually.  : )

My brother was treated the same.

One thing I struggled with was that during puberty/ teenage years/ early 20s, gender roles became a HUUUUUUGE issue amongst peers.

I refused to bow to the pressure of being "meek, mild and girly" but I paid a high price for that, with superficial peers feeling they needed to point out that I wasn't being a ***proper*** girl and therefore in their logic, I would never get a ***proper*** man as a partner.

They were totally wrong of course, haha : )

I've had wonderful partners and feel pleased as pie with my choices re how much and how little I conform with gender role expectations.

I still find the often intense pressure re gender roles irritating, a burden, frustrating and sometimes hurtful.

But as I've aged (now 40) I've learned to have a thick skin about that stuff, to not take it personally and have become and expert as mentally saying "F***** you very much!!" when people are dumb/ superficial/ ignorant about their nutcase take on what's right and wrong re gender roles.

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I'm so happy that on this site you're hearing from people who can relate to where you are on your journey--yes, journey, because you will in time understand who your true self it. In fact, the way you describe you feelings, you may be a gay man yet to meet that wonderful partner you deserve. May I suggest what God would want for us all because He loves us all? Love yourself; love your journey; accept yourself; and keep seeking, because I know from my older age now that the learning/seeking/accepting of myself never ends--it's a journey at each phase of life. If you'd like a phone number for counseling that is free (perhaps to get you started with counseling, as you'd mentioned as a possibility), just let me know. Praying for LOVE  and self-love as you continue this journey. 

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22 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Could it be an escape fantasy? Not having masculine personality traits can make it tough to be accepted by society, neither women nor men seem to have a lot of empathy for a meek and submissive guy, sadly... Seeking acceptance for the way we are is normal, the question you really need to ask yourself is if you'd still be uncomfortable being male if you had more confidence.

You say you don't like your role in society and where you're headed as a guy. Where would you be headed if you could be an attractive woman tomorrow? What is it that you would want out of life?

    I think that’s a very important question to raise. I don’t really know the answer though. I haven’t really found something worth calling my reason to exist. I’m a nihilist, so that line of thinking doesn’t occur very much for me.

 

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    Since originally posting this I’ve come up with a few different thought processes that I thought were worth sharing. Whenever I see an attractive female flaunting what she’s got I just feel so bad that I can’t do that. I’m a very jealous person, I guess. I also think that my outward appearance doesn’t allow me to be my myself. I feel like the things i want to do and the way I look are incompatible. I long for a perfect boy-girl relationship but I don’t know which one I want to be in the equation. Sometimes it’s the boy and sometimes it’s the girl.

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I'll never get surgery because I'll never trust a doctor again.  It was bad enough getting my dental surgery.  I wouldn't trust a doctor to fix an ingrown toenail at this point.  I absolutely wish I was born female but things will have to stay the way they are.  If I had a better life things would be different.

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