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StoniumFrog

Too scared to work???

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Dear all,

Sorry for being away for a bit. 

After two work related crashes over the past two years, I went back to college to broaden my skillset (but also in truth, to get away from the rat race for a while). The course, which I thought would be easy, was extremely intensive and has left me very tired - just finished last week. However, I thought that I would be somehow a lot more confident at this point to return to the workforce, but if anything, I'm not. I still doubt myself in both my technical ability, which I know is sound, and my confidence. From a practical point of view, I am still sleeping in a lot ... ok, I get up for 10, but can't be doing that on a job. I know I need to take a bit of a rest but I am also just wary of being jobless. I dunno if I am being too hard on myself and just need to slow down a bit - it just feels like its a few days good and then 2-3 days of rancid tiredness. 

It maybe an issue with my meds (on 225 of Effexor), of which I get real anxious at times. 

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@StoniumFrog

I waffle back & forth one day feeling like I could concur the world the next day wondering if I will have the energy to get out of bed.  Committing to a job and actually being there gives me anxiety

i have an interview today - lucky it's at 4pm - I can make that.

self doubt, anxiety, lack of confidence. I hate this about mental issues it leaves you questioning everything.  I know I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for but at times finding the energy to move is a monumental task.  

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@StillStandinTall

We both know we are technically proficient and I'd guess that you're great at your chosen field. But it's a f**ker - as you say, one day you are the Atom Bomb layin' fothamucka, but the very next day, you can barely make it to the kitchen. Guess its a case of making that extra effort each day. And getting that faith back. 

We will work on this thing. Guess it is a case of one day at the time. Thanks for at least letting me know that I'm not alone. 

And taking the maxim of Carpe Diem, kick a$$ today! 

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8 minutes ago, StoniumFrog said:

@StillStandinTall

We both know we are technically proficient and I'd guess that you're great at your chosen field. But it's a f**ker - as you say, one day you are the Atom Bomb layin' fothamucka, but the very next day, you can barely make it to the kitchen. Guess its a case of making that extra effort each day. And getting that faith back. 

We will work on this thing. Guess it is a case of one day at the time. Thanks for at least letting me know that I'm not alone. 

And taking the maxim of Carpe Diem, kick a$$ today! 

I am much better at giving advice than doing anything to make my life better.

I am stuck in this mental nothingness of not caring.m 

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Reminds me of a BR549 song: "Too lazy to work, too nervous to steal" ;)

(Not saying you're lazy, just a funny reminder...)

Can't believe your program is done already! Seems like just a few minutes ago you were feeling nervous about starting it...congrats on the completion!

I just returned to work myself this week (after 2 years) so I can understand the fear - I am living with it too. I have confidence in you Frog, even if you don't.

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Holy f!ck @Tilted - I am glad for you. I know you might be going through Hell, but from our past conversations, I DO BELIEVE IN YOU! You are an intelligent, experienced person who deserves happiness. Last conversation we had, I remember you were dreading it, but we have to push ourselves at times. We are all here for you and to quote yourself "I have confidence in you Tilted, even if you don't!". 

 

@sober4life - Thanks. The fact is though, you are still here and you are making progress. 

@StillStandinTall - We're all here for you. 

Edited by StoniumFrog

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First off, congratulations. 

Remain humble and focus your ambitions. For what is ambition, if not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world.

And always retain your will. For it is our will that places us in transcendence even above the angels. The will to endure. The will to survive. The audaciousness to reach for the heavens and give nothing back.

True success is rewarded to those willing to diminish themselves to pick it up.

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Thank you all for your words of encouragement - I feel as if this malaise is more physical and I just need to somehow rest for a while in order to get over what was a brutally intense course ( @Tilted - thanks for reminding me that I was scared of starting that, but I loved it, despite the intensity). I think I need to get the ball running slowly and stop the negative voices from wrecking my chances. 

@StillStandinTall - How did you get on in the interview?

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23 minutes ago, StoniumFrog said:

I'll say an Agnostic's Prayer for ya "Dear all of the above, ..."


@StoniumFrog

You are hilarious!!! : )

I've been admiring your swearing all week, hehehehe - I loooove a good cuss myself!!

And now agnostic prayers?? : D

When we talked recently, you were in the middle of an anxiety attack, so I picked up on none of this stuff!

You are making me giggle! I have depression, I'm not meant to giggle!

Stop it!  : D

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I haven't worked in at least six years, and the thought of returning to work one day is so terrifying that it literally makes me feel panicky. I have felt uncomfortably anxious in any job I've ever had, with my one attempt at a actual career causing me a near nervous breakdown. 

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@Sophy - Well if we can't laugh in this situation, when can you? Had another bad night last night (well this morning). Again a combination of factors ... ate chocolate and had one pint before hitting the hay. Then there was thunder and lightening and had a few nightmares. I was just zapped this morning. It seems to be every second morning at the mo and I'm not even giving myself the chance to rest for a week or two. 

20 hours ago, Sophy said:

You are making me giggle! I have depression, I'm not meant to giggle!

Stop it!  : D

@evalynn - Keep in there. We're all here for you. 

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On 5/23/2018 at 6:08 AM, StoniumFrog said:

Dear all,

Sorry for being away for a bit. 

After two work related crashes over the past two years, I went back to college to broaden my skillset (but also in truth, to get away from the rat race for a while). The course, which I thought would be easy, was extremely intensive and has left me very tired - just finished last week. However, I thought that I would be somehow a lot more confident at this point to return to the workforce, but if anything, I'm not. I still doubt myself in both my technical ability, which I know is sound, and my confidence. From a practical point of view, I am still sleeping in a lot ... ok, I get up for 10, but can't be doing that on a job. I know I need to take a bit of a rest but I am also just wary of being jobless. I dunno if I am being too hard on myself and just need to slow down a bit - it just feels like its a few days good and then 2-3 days of rancid tiredness. 

It maybe an issue with my meds (on 225 of Effexor), of which I get real anxious at times. 

Congratulations on finishing - a clear indication of your initiative and perseverance. You deserve a rest. You already know you are capable. I've seen some of the most talented people question their abilities while average ones think they are the best! From my experience, self-confidence is only partially obtained from accomplishments. You need accomplishments, but it's so easy to compare ourselves to others that we perceive as "better".  It seems some self-confidence needs to come from changing our thought patterns (e.g. CBT therapy). 

Looking at your meds is a great idea (for both the fatigue and anxiety), and getting a general check-up that  includes blood-work wouldn't hurt either.     

  

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Ah sh!te! Get onto them and ask them for feedback (GOOD and bad). Do not catastrophise - you know you did well (I could tell you the difference between getting the interview and getting accepted but hey, it isn't past the water shed yet). Do it @StandingStill - in fact I am looking at a PFO from a place I was sure I would at least get an interview for and I am going to compose an email right after sending a few CV's out. 

BTW are you a techie?  

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@StillStandinTall

Also, tell them in an easy-going way how much you'd have liked to work there and ask them to keep you in mind for similar positions, etc.

So few people do this!

It will impress them and they will remember you.

Maybe the person they've hired turns out to be a really bad choice or a bad fit...

Guess who they'll turn to - the guy that rang up/ wrote and email with a positive attitude saying "Oh, what a shame, I really would have enjoyed working for your company!"

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1 hour ago, Sophy said:

@StillStandinTall

Also, tell them in an easy-going way how much you'd have liked to work there and ask them to keep you in mind for similar positions, etc.

So few people do this!

It will impress them and they will remember you.

Maybe the person they've hired turns out to be a really bad choice or a bad fit...

Guess who they'll turn to - the guy that rang up/ wrote and email with a positive attitude saying "Oh, what a shame, I really would have enjoyed working for your company!"

@Sophy - Brilliant advice. Hope things going ok (relatively) for yourself. 

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Taaa @StoniumFrog   : )

I was self-employed for 10 years - it taught me soooo much.

It's funny, when I had to go on disability because of PTSD and depression, I couldn't work out how to find a job that would be compatible with my situation.

Who wants to employ someone who's constantly having panic attacks/ migraines/ problems with depression.

My therapist, pdoc and I brainstormed ideas for a career that I could pursue using my skills to be self-employed and to build a job/ career for myself, that was tailor made.

It so happened that with a bit of extra training I could use existing skills and work freelance from home.

I started in part-time and would only take on as many contracts as I could handle, health-wise.

It was quite funny, when my health was poor, I'd have to tell clients who came asking me to do their work "Oh sorry, I'm totally booked out for another 3 weeks!"

This made clients think I was really amazing at my job, because I was booked out so often/ in high demand.

Haha : )

This really helped me ease back into working full-time.

And now I no longer get panic attacks, when I go to work at "normal" jobs.

Being self-employed was one of the best decisions I ever made.

It's not everyone's thing and it has as many disadvantages as it has advatages.

For me, it was amazing in 3 ways:

1. It allowed me to tailor my job totally to my health needs

2. I taught me tons of self-confidence

3. I was no longer "dependent" on a company to hire me full-time. I was and felt like an equal, when I was negotiating contracts.

I even ended up turning down offers for full-time jobs, because I was enjoying being self-employed so much and because I knew that no full time job would accomodate my health needs as well as freelance work.

It's tough being self-employed, but for my situation it was perfect.

Things like following up a "rejection" with a positive email/ phone call - I learned all that being self-employed.

I've never been a perfect employee - I'm good at my work, but I'm not good at following orders - especially if they are stupid.

I'm smart and creative and like having responsibility and I like getting my own way, haha.

So I've thrived being self-employed.

Tho, there are definitely drawbacks too and I wouldn't recommend it for everyone.

I don't have kids, so I only have to finance myself. That gives me the freedom to take risks or to earn less.

If I had kids, I think I'd be too nervous to be self-employed.

 

Edited by Sophy

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@Sophy - Thanks for that bit of inspiration. I am actually thinking of becoming self-employed, as I think I have a problem taking orders from gobs***es to be honest as well 😀. One things for certain - I ain't becoming a number in a MNC again. I love teaching and I know it can be stressful but I can cope with the odd eejit so long as there's others in the class who appreciate the effort and make the effort as well. 

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About 11 years ago I was working nights in a factory usually doing 40-50 hours per week, even 60 a few times. Was probably the easiest job I've ever had and better pay than what I'm on now for a much more challenging job and environment. Anyway, it was announced that the place was closing down which was a blessing in disguise really, I was in a hell of a rut. Comfortable, but a rut all the same. When the closure was announced, it felt like an opportunity, like a kick up the back side. I went to university and found 12 hours of lectures and seminars a week more exhausting than a full time working week and looking back I think that was the start of a serious decline for me. I lost interest in my studies very quickly, didn't see much value in it, didn't apply myself. All of a sudden I had 40 hours extra free time per week and that made everything so much worse. 

Touch wood, I've never been too scared to work. I've had plenty of days in different jobs that I've absolutely dreaded going in. Oh actually, I had one week about 12 years ago when I couldn't face it so didn't. I've managed to drag myself to wherever I had to be since then. It's when I don't have that that I struggle most. Yeah, I've got a job now but it doesn't really allow for much of a routine. I find myself with a day off on a Thursday and these are the hardest parts. I don't do well left to my own devices, I dwell, I binge eat, I drink just for the sake of it. I'd probably be mentally better off working my days off if the alternative is being on my own.

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Maybe you just need a while to recharge after the intensive course. Hopefully after a while you will feel more up to it. If it is possible trying to ease into work part time could help and see what you are able to do.

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Thanks @RichW and @LouisRiel - I am going to throw the CV out again today - I am actually going to 4-5 firms and physically throwing them a copy of it, with my portfolio on disk. I'll leave with the line "You can use them to light the fire, but I know your competitor won't!" 🙂  It's a catch 22 as @RichW pointed out ... too much time to ourselves and we implode. I know I can make a difference - I have made a difference. People have come up to me after term and thanked me. I have made progress this week

  1. I'm getting up earlier - ok, still 8.30-9.00 but its a start
  2. I've thrown the CV out there
  3. I've contacted a few training colleges etc.
  4. I've a whole load of leads
But as @LouisRiel also pointed out, I need to chill a bit too. Hey, I'm off to a football game (that's soccer to ye lads over the pond) tonight and have learnt "All the Young Dudes" and ironically, "Where is my Mind" on the guitar. Best moment of the week? My friends 5 year old son taking me on a tour of his new pirate ship 🙂 He is such a gas card. 

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