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Bad Decisions


Youngbull

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I haven’t written or came back to DF in so long. I think I needed a break because I felt as though coming on this site is just telling myself you are depressed and youre not okay because this is a site for people to go to when they need that little extra oomf. So I will start to come here and there just for my sake. It is hard to not come on here because I know these dark thoughts are lingering waiting for the moment life is working for me to attack me. I can’t let that happen especially now that I’m 18 and I need to be able to handle myself and I cant do that with depression. I’m not as strong as I seem is what I’m trying to say..

 

In the mean time that I’ve been gone I’ve made some bad decisions. To the point  where I feel guilty. I joined tinder and met some interesting people. I’m kind of stuck in a love triangle. I met both of them (seprate occasions) and we gotten touchy. It just feels wrong in the back of my mind and I want to make the right decision for once because as of lately I keep being selfish. Karma has not been easy on my either and I know there’s worse to come..

 

On top of the all the things I’m dealing with I still somehow find ways to add on to the pile willingly. Im scared I’m leading things into my life that can prevented, but this rush I feel of doing things I’m not supposed to do is taking the wheel and driving for me..

 

I’m not really asking for advice for this forum because I think at this point I’m doing whatever feels right. I’m stubborn, so if I set my mind to something there’s no stopping me..

 

Have any of you taken any risks like I have been? Have any of you found solace in doing what feels right even if it’s selfish? Have any of you been trying something new to feel anything new as of lately? Whats something that you should regret that you dont? Has making these bad decisions been the best thing you’ve done in your life for awhile?

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Welcome back Youngbull.  I really understand what you mean about doing bad things despite them seeming like something you'd regret.  I work in a resteraunt and can get free soda there, and I *know* that it is not good for my health, yet there have been some days when I have drank 4+ glasses of it in one day.  My point here is that you often have to decide what is worth it and what is simply a bad idea.  

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Especially at your age, but in general too, I think some rules are important to break.

Some "rules" are crap and they make us unhappy and breaking them is good.

Other rules are sensible and keep us and everyone else safe and these are less good to break.

If you find that you are purposely breaking healthy rules which are there to keep you and others safe, you might want to look at the criteria/ symptoms of BPD and see if they fit.

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Hi Youngbull!

I'll try to answer your questions to the best of my knowledge and life experience.

Yes I took risks. Some ended up being the best decisions in my life, others were bad ones. But nothing ever was a disaster! In fact, when I go really depressed or in my other weird state of mind, I always do stupid things. (Just this weekend I almost tried to buy a house out of nowhere). So what were those risks? To list a couple:

Good ones:
- Buy a brand new 2018 car without thinking about it more than 1 day.
- Try to seduce a long time friend wich is a very hot model. (She's now my girlfriend and we live together)
- Seeing a cute cat from a shelter on facebook 5 minutes after waking up and adopting it within the next 2 hours. (Even though it is not allowed to have animals where I live)

Bad ones: 
- Reaching 230 KM/h on my motorcycle and getting caught by the police at 160.
- Installing Tinder while being in love and living with my ex. 
- Taking MDMA, alcool and illegal drug while being on anti-depressssants all at the same time "Just to see what happens"

Do I regret any of these today? Absolutely not! Risks make you rise and fall. Rising helps your self confidence and and general attitude towards life. Falling gives you lessons that will help you further in life.

-------

Always do what feels right for you! if it feels wrong, it is wrong. I'm not saying to act impulsively based on your emotions and instinct, but to think about it as much as needed, list the good and bads of that thing and take a firm decision.

-------

I try new things very often. Some good examples are: Learning guitar, traveling, going to a dubstep show, gym....
I like about 50% of the things I try. But in the end, every experience is kinda fun at first. 

-------

I should regret trying MDMA during a dubstep show and repeating the experience 3 times. But really, I don't. It was a one of a kind experience, that you can't even understand before you've done it. But it literaly destroys you for days after and is a terrible cocktail to mix with anti-depressents. 

-------

Bad decisions are certainly somewhat good, but they are never the best decisions. it's better to learn with good decisions than with bad ones. Sometimes we all need to be gently punched in the face by life to understand things though. So bad decisions aren't so bad if you don't abuse them.

Always think before you act would be my advice here. But life is life and if you experience nothing, you will have regrets later. 

I hope this helps!

Edited by JonathanP
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41 minutes ago, Youngbull said:

I haven’t written or came back to DF in so long. I think I needed a break because I felt as though coming on this site is just telling myself you are depressed and youre not okay because this is a site for people to go to when they need that little extra oomf. So I will start to come here and there just for my sake. It is hard to not come on here because I know these dark thoughts are lingering waiting for the moment life is working for me to attack me. I can’t let that happen especially now that I’m 18 and I need to be able to handle myself and I cant do that with depression. I’m not as strong as I seem is what I’m trying to say..

 

In the mean time that I’ve been gone I’ve made some bad decisions. To the point  where I feel guilty. I joined tinder and met some interesting people. I’m kind of stuck in a love triangle. I met both of them (seprate occasions) and we gotten touchy. It just feels wrong in the back of my mind and I want to make the right decision for once because as of lately I keep being selfish. Karma has not been easy on my either and I know there’s worse to come..

 

On top of the all the things I’m dealing with I still somehow find ways to add on to the pile willingly. Im scared I’m leading things into my life that can prevented, but this rush I feel of doing things I’m not supposed to do is taking the wheel and driving for me..

 

I’m not really asking for advice for this forum because I think at this point I’m doing whatever feels right. I’m stubborn, so if I set my mind to something there’s no stopping me..

 

Have any of you taken any risks like I have been? Have any of you found solace in doing what feels right even if it’s selfish? Have any of you been trying something new to feel anything new as of lately? Whats something that you should regret that you dont? Has making these bad decisions been the best thing you’ve done in your life for awhile?

 

Welcome back, YoungBull. 

 

Yes, we can relate. In my particular situation I'm feeling the same way you are. It's been 6 months since I got out of jail for a DUI, lost my car, license, and not to mention I live on a steep road where there aren't any sidewalks so I can't even walk to work. I've been an alcoholic since I was 19 and my life has been the same for many years now. Sadness and depression are just a part of my life and my mentality, my psychology, it's ingrained in there. And, it hurts. Currently needing a job very badly because I have payments every month due to the court, and not to mention my boyfriends birthday is this Friday and I can't afford to get him a card at the least.. Everything is pretty much empty around me and I'm at a major loss of hope. 

 

As for your love triangle, be honest with them. It would definitely hurt you if you found out the person you were seeing was secretly seeing someone else. (Unless they're both aware of each other?) 

 

 

I've definitely had my share of terrible choices.

Like I said, DUI in November of 17.

Cheated on my last boyfriend and ran away to a man who beat me and abused me, then let him spend all my cash.

Was a cam-girl

Killed animals as a child

Hit 2 cars while drunk and didn't get caught

Cut myself without realizing its in a place people could see

There's many more. I'm a bad person and I hope people will see that.

Edited by sabiflitch
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1 hour ago, sabiflitch said:

There's many more. I'm a bad person and I hope people will see that.

I have a ton of questions to ask but this stuck out to me most of all. Why would you want people to see you as a bad person?

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18 minutes ago, Youngbull said:

I have a ton of questions to ask but this stuck out to me most of all. Why would you want people to see you as a bad person?

@Youngbull On the inside, I truly don't want people to see me or think of me as a bad person. In the truest of all thoughts, I don't want that. On the other hand, I look at all the things I have or have not done. I look at how people around me see me and how I make them feel. I lack any ability to go forward, stay positive for long, and god knows I have no will power for alcohol. I live with my boyfriend which feels like a mistake almost every single day because I'm a horrible excuse for a girlfriend, and now I can't stop dreaming that he's cheating on me. I have a very low, if not, the lowest self esteem right now. What good have I ever done? Making someone smile is great and all, but it's nothing to boast about.. I have nothing to my name.

Edited by sabiflitch
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Hi Youngbull,

We all make bad decisions in our life. Some can have more consequences than others. Before deciding on something we should always think things through. However, when we are in that dark place, we look for anything that we think will bring relief from the pain and despair.

I would have done anything while I was struggling to relieve the pain. Through the right medication, counseling, and strategies, I learned how to relieve the pain in positive ways, without making poor choices.

Things that can help with are :  talking with someone about what you are thinking, writing down what you are thinking, and possibly getting counseling from a professional. There are groups who provide online counseling (*link removed pm member for info*). This helps avoid reacting quickly, making poor choices, and then dealing with the consequences in the end. There are strategies (*link removed...pm member for info*) to take before making any decision.  I will be praying for you. Hugs.

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Quote

Making someone smile is great and all, but it's nothing to boast about.. I have nothing to my name.

you just havent been an adult long enough to know how wrong you are. its an absolute GIFT to be able to make someone smile. in the workforce, people are mean, cruel, aggressive... they love putting others down because their lifes stink so much that its the only pleasure they have. Most people lack the ability to make others smile simply because its easier to be a jerk.

when you get older, youre going to see this as true. 

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@Wizardwarrior315 I understand what you are trying to tell me and I agree. Somethings aren't worth it.. however your situation with drinking too much free soda differs from me lying to another person.. Luckily, we can both lessen doing things that harm us (and for me: lessen harming others) and change for the better. Thanks for your reply:hearts:

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@Sophy Yes! I agree, rules have to be broken once in awhile.. Some rules are right to be placed, but I don't see it as rules, more so a moral to follow..? 

I also try not to look up symptoms and such because I believe it doesn't help me figure myself out. I think it actually rips me from feeling my feelings and processing the person i'm experiencing by trying to search for a label on what to call myself. I do believe mental illness is a very real thing and shouldn't be ignored. That's why finding a good trustworthy doctor is important as much as it is hard. Thank you for your input🖤

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@JonathanP Gosh, I love your reply.. I think you really truly understood what I tried to say here, so thank you. Sorry that I'm responding late, but as I said I will be here on and off for my sake. And about the MDMA thing, I hope you have a firm grip on that situation.. I'm glad you are experiencing what life has to offer, but I also hope you're not repeatedly doing things that can harm you.. 

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@sabiflitch I for one do not see you as a bad person. We all have things we aren't proud of. Some of us try to correct those wrongs. And then there's some who don't notice what they do is wrong. 

Just because you are honest and own up to it doesn't make you worse then the next person. As for your alcoholism, take it one day at time. All you can promise is for the right here in the now. You can't really promise to stop drinking for a certain amount of time or for the rest of your life.. It's something that you can try to control for the moment.

Dreaming that your boyfriend is cheating on you? Plus having low self esteem? And you say you look how at how people see you? There's a lot of perception going on with you and I think you should ask yourself the things you put value to, are they adding positive things into your life for you to do more positive..

Hmm like if valuing those dreams of your boyfriend cheating on you adding up with everything else for you to realize he is or is it just something that you've been dreaming and cynical of..?

How do you really know how people see you? I too do this where I see how people see me.. Do you see it in their eyes like I do?

I think those situations are affecting how you are viewing yourself, plus the things you've done/been through in life. I'm not going to get into the whole build your confidence because I think you already know that. You're smart. You got this. I'm rooting for you.

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@caring2018 Yes.. when you're in a dark place it's hard to find your way around bad decisions. For me it's hard to talk to people about what I'm thinking or feeling because they treat you differently or don't understand, even if they mean well.. if that helps you then I'm glad you found your outlet yo release you emotions..

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I will continue to pray for you and hope you  get the help you need.  I hope you too can find a healthy outlet to release your emotions. If you ever need to chat, please im me.  I understand how depression overtakes you and can lead to bad decision making, but it is not too late to find other ways to cope with depression.

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