Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Cass87

BPD and addictions/impulses TW: self-harm

Recommended Posts

Trigger warning: self-harm, sex, addictions. 

So I wanted to talk to anyone about the dark side of BPD and how to control it!! I'm generally a really polite, loving and caring person...however 

I go through these stages where all of the sudden I am craving bad things, I get obsessed with self-harm, blood, knives, sex and wanting to just be completely reckless! 

I hate it because I hate feeling like an evil person. I am the total opposite of this person normally, I'm an introverted anxious little anti social weirdo, but im polite and fit in. 

No one in my life really has been able to tell when the alter-ego comes out, because I keep it mostly to myself....well.., unless there's been an incident where I'm a completely terrible person. (eg. head-butting someone or cheating) ...basically when i 'split' and make a huge mistake and have to apologise later. 

All of the sudden this alter-ego comes out.

Like some egomaniac, I am BORED and NUMB and nothing is satisfying (I can't sit still) and the whole world revolves around me and I'm the only exciting person, nothing can validate me or calm me down (unless someone or something wild can counteract my intensity).

I get highly impatient, angry and lack empathy. I'm so anxious, on edge, craving something to calm me down. It's this intense emotional feeling and I am a HUGE flirt, with anyone and everyone!! I don't do it overtly, again no one would be able to 'tell', but I can feel myself just being way too sexually attracted to anyone and everyone (both sexes), and I crave any attention. 

I lose empathy and become violent. In times like this i have been reckless in a mosh pit where i head butted a girl, and i found it annoying that she was whinging about it. I get way too 'lose' like I am drunk! I say really harsh things and just act like an obnoxious a******. 

This is where alcohol and cigarettes used to come in to calm me down and sort of 'vent' my badness, but I gave those up for obvious reasons. (chain smoking )etc. 

Cheating- I have been unfaithful before (kissed someone else)because I wasn't getting attention from my partner (he was depressed) and my attention needs and need for something to **** my impulses,  I confessed to everything and my partner forgave me and we moved forward. 

But I have this sickening feeling in my stomach that my urges to be a deceitful and highly sexual or violent to oneself will take over!! i can't stop fantasising about being with other people and get obsessed with celebrities I seem to fall for. 

That sounds nuts I know!! But BPD is a bit nuts! 

I just don't want to feel i'm alone and that im not evil? Idk what to do. thanks xx

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh yeah, I hear you all too well. I too have this other side that I hate and it keeps ruining my life by destroying any progress I make. As I've gotten older I no longer engage in self-injury but I definitely have some bad and addictive behaviors that come out when I have an episode. My biggest issues are that when I'm in one of those moods I'll ruin friendships (testing people and then accusing them of not caring), abuse substances (booze and tobacco), and my sex drive kicks into overdrive which has led me to spend obscene amounts of money on "professionals" since Tinder doesn't work for me. Shopping without caring about the consequences is another problem, I can save up money for months until I'm in a good place and then I'll go nuts and spend thousands on crap I don't need. When I was younger I even purchased a car on impulse because I was having a BPD episode and didn't feel like fixing an issue with my old one... 

BPD is a real pain in the rear. I try to counteract my impulses and major episodes as much as I can but still get them a few times a year. I despise who I become and I'm so angry at myself for the things I do because one stupid episode lasting a few days or weeks can be destructive enough to take months or even years to make up for. Hard to enjoy life during the time BPD isn't flaring up when you're constantly reminded of the stupid things you did. Ugh...

Edited by lonelyforeigner

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All I can say is I am exactly like the two of you.  The other out of control side I call the beast.  When I was younger the out of control side had full control.  I've learned that side has to stay caged but the longer it is caged the worse things are when the beast escapes.  I have to stay completely sober to keep control.  I have no choice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Thanks for sharing, yes this sounds so familiar to me 😞  glad to know im not the only one. 

i'm really mature, Im 30 now, so I feel so immature wanting to do such dumb things. 

I have met with real destruction because of my stupid behaviour, and i remind myself of that total agony I went through when i cheated, and exactly how bad it is when the 'fantasy' and BPD episode comes crashing down. 

It's horrible. 

 

22 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

 

 

Oh yeah, I hear you all too well. I too have this other side that I hate and it keeps ruining my life by destroying any progress I make. As I've gotten older I no longer engage in self-injury but I definitely have some bad and addictive behaviors that come out when I have an episode. My biggest issues are that when I'm in one of those moods I'll ruin friendships (testing people and then accusing them of not caring), abuse substances (booze and tobacco), and my sex drive kicks into overdrive which has led me to spend obscene amounts of money on "professionals" since Tinder doesn't work for me. Shopping without caring about the consequences is another problem, I can save up money for months until I'm in a good place and then I'll go nuts and spend thousands on crap I don't need. When I was younger I even purchased a car on impulse because I was having a BPD episode and didn't feel like fixing an issue with my old one... 

BPD is a real pain in the rear. I try to counteract my impulses and major episodes as much as I can but still get them a few times a year. I despise who I become and I'm so angry at myself for the things I do because one stupid episode lasting a few days or weeks can be destructive enough to take months or even years to make up for. Hard to enjoy life during the time BPD isn't flaring up when you're constantly reminded of the stupid things you did. Ugh...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, sober4life said:

All I can say is I am exactly like the two of you.  The other out of control side I call the beast.  When I was younger the out of control side had full control.  I've learned that side has to stay caged but the longer it is caged the worse things are when the beast escapes.  I have to stay completely sober to keep control.  I have no choice.

Thank you so much for your story! I find when ppl share these types of things on community pages/facebook pages that everyone judges and condemns the behaviour as a 'choice' and BPD being used as an 'excuse'. Whilst I do agree that we have a choice, some people don't have control over that choice if they haven't identified how to manage and prevent their behaviours. So I have empathy for that, even if it can be harmful. 

I too have given up drinking! (Go us yay!!!)

 Drinking I found gave me an instant episode, I'd end up violently jumping around at festivals, or being a rude a****** or having a huge sexual attraction to someone i wouldn't normally. I gave up smoking too because I end up chain smoking all day and night! 

It's so weird to think that smoking for me was like a hard drug! it really was the hardest thing in the world to give up and nearly ruined my relationship more than the cheating!!!  😞 but proud i did it and do not go near it~~!! So I know I've tried to cut out behaviours that trigger a 'beast mode' episode lol. 

I will try and focus on my hobbies and exercising when I have these eps, and not go out around other people lol. xxx


 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Cass87 said:

Thank you so much for your story! I find when ppl share these types of things on community pages/facebook pages that everyone judges and condemns the behaviour as a 'choice' and BPD being used as an 'excuse'. Whilst I do agree that we have a choice, some people don't have control over that choice if they haven't identified how to manage and prevent their behaviours. So I have empathy for that, even if it can be harmful. 

I too have given up drinking! (Go us yay!!!)

 Drinking I found gave me an instant episode, I'd end up violently jumping around at festivals, or being a rude a****** or having a huge sexual attraction to someone i wouldn't normally. I gave up smoking too because I end up chain smoking all day and night! 

It's so weird to think that smoking for me was like a hard drug! it really was the hardest thing in the world to give up and nearly ruined my relationship more than the cheating!!!  😞 but proud i did it and do not go near it~~!! So I know I've tried to cut out behaviours that trigger a 'beast mode' episode lol. 

I will try and focus on my hobbies and exercising when I have these eps, and not go out around other people lol. xxx


 

Yes drinking always gives me an instant episode.  When I drink I go on for 2 or 3 days.  I'm completely out of control.  I become the biggest flirt ever to everyone.  I'm very confident and rude to everyone.  I'm very paranoid as well.  I used to smoke all day as well.  I was to the point of smoking half smoked cigarettes off the street and out of ash trays.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
44 minutes ago, Cass87 said:

I find when ppl share these types of things on community pages/facebook pages that everyone judges and condemns the behaviour as a 'choice' and BPD being used as an 'excuse'. Whilst I do agree that we have a choice, some people don't have control over that choice if they haven't identified how to manage and prevent their behaviours.

Yeah, BPD behavior is very hard to understand and empathize with because it seems completely irrational, even to us. I once read somewhere that when we're in beast mode (hah, I love that term!) we have the impulse control and maturity of a toddler, that seems about right. We do have a choice and it's certainly not an excuse but people underestimate how hard it is to control, it's like getting a normal person completely drunk and then asking them to make good decisions rather than acting on impulse. 

Have you identified some of your triggers? One of my main triggers seems to be when someone takes advantage of me or gets upset with me for no reason, I'll immediately get into a self-destructive mood and I feel so hurt that I just stop caring about anything and will give in to whatever impulses to distract myself. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's exactly right.  Most of the time I am very strong but in beast mode I am absolutely like a toddler.  Triggers are when people take advantage of me or reject me or lie to me.  When I am paranoid one small thing that someone does against me can convince me the whole world is against me.  Then I go off the rails.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, sober4life said:

When I am paranoid one small thing that someone does against me can convince me the whole world is against me.  Then I go off the rails.

Ditto. When I'm already triggered it takes very little to put me over the edge, someone honking at me or just giving me a nasty look is enough to start spiraling down even further. Everybody hates me, I don't deserve to be here, yadda yadda yadda...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there any real hope that we will ever be normal or are we going to be like this for life?  Like with me I whine about love all the time.  I'm always desperate for a fairytale romance but is it even possible?   None of the relationships in my life have been any good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2018 at 7:57 PM, lonelyforeigner said:

triggers hmmm that's a hard one. 

Well my worst times have been when either I've been fighting with my partner. When I'm single I am beast mode *all* of the time until I meet someone which settles me down. I always have a boyfriend and if there's a gap in between relationships usually that time is spent being a crazy stalker until i hunt a boyfriend down. lol. 

But even in a relationship, sometimes I just feel it's a mania thing that overcomes me, when I get bored at a job I start fantasising about people, listening to really heavy music and becoming impatient and rebellious with a perpetual rolling of eyes at how boring reality is. 

I think I blur the line between fantasy/escapism and reality. I even do with with specific famous people, I get obsessed with their music or media and mould my identity and life purpose around the fantasy of being with them. 

It's some messed up stuff hey? haha

 

 

 

 

Yeah, BPD behavior is very hard to understand and empathize with because it seems completely irrational, even to us. I once read somewhere that when we're in beast mode (hah, I love that term!) we have the impulse control and maturity of a toddler, that seems about right. We do have a choice and it's certainly not an excuse but people underestimate how hard it is to control, it's like getting a normal person completely drunk and then asking them to make good decisions rather than acting on impulse. 

Have you identified some of your triggers? One of my main triggers seems to be when someone takes advantage of me or gets upset with me for no reason, I'll immediately get into a self-destructive mood and I feel so hurt that I just stop caring about anything and will give in to whatever impulses to distract myself. 

 

Edited by Cass87

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/22/2018 at 6:14 AM, sober4life said:

Is there any real hope that we will ever be normal or are we going to be like this for life?  Like with me I whine about love all the time.  I'm always desperate for a fairytale romance but is it even possible?   None of the relationships in my life have been any good.

I don't think the fairytale romance exists (well for complex people anyway), however we can have a loving relationship. I find it's about stopping our behaviour from getting out of control with CBT/DBT and just staying away from vulnerable situations (not drinking with work colleagues, not talking to ex's online, not drinking etC) , but I still have *a lot* of things going on inside of my head all of the time that I don't reveal to my partner...as I've covered here. It's too complicated for him to understand and I wouldn't want to burden him with it....he already tolerates enough from my chronic pain problems. ha. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2018 at 10:17 PM, sober4life said:

That's exactly right.  Most of the time I am very strong but in beast mode I am absolutely like a toddler.  Triggers are when people take advantage of me or reject me or lie to me.  When I am paranoid one small thing that someone does against me can convince me the whole world is against me.  Then I go off the rails.

Yup omg!! agree!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/22/2018 at 5:16 AM, lonelyforeigner said:

Ditto. When I'm already triggered it takes very little to put me over the edge, someone honking at me or just giving me a nasty look is enough to start spiraling down even further. Everybody hates me, I don't deserve to be here, yadda yadda yadda...

😞 sorry you have to go through that xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, Cass87 said:

I don't think the fairytale romance exists (well for complex people anyway), however we can have a loving relationship. I find it's about stopping our behaviour from getting out of control with CBT/DBT and just staying away from vulnerable situations (not drinking with work colleagues, not talking to ex's online, not drinking etC) , but I still have *a lot* of things going on inside of my head all of the time that I don't reveal to my partner...as I've covered here. It's too complicated for him to understand and I wouldn't want to burden him with it....he already tolerates enough from my chronic pain problems. ha. 

Yeah so the answer is basically no.  It's been a lifetime of hiding a lot things from the people around me.  Things that they wouldn't understand.  Someone could be in a relationship with me for 10 years and not really know me.  I'm 39 years old and smart enough to know if things have been a certain way for all of those years why would they all of the sudden change?  When I almost drank myself to death I could have just finished myself off but I chose to fight to try to find a true love in this world.  It was mostly delusional thinking.  39 years of a world not giving a $hit about me I think they made their final decision by now.  There is no other half for me.  I always have been and always will be alone in this world even if I am in a crowd.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/23/2018 at 8:51 PM, sober4life said:

Yeah so the answer is basically no.  It's been a lifetime of hiding a lot things from the people around me.  Things that they wouldn't understand.  Someone could be in a relationship with me for 10 years and not really know me.  I'm 39 years old and smart enough to know if things have been a certain way for all of those years why would they all of the sudden change?  When I almost drank myself to death I could have just finished myself off but I chose to fight to try to find a true love in this world.  It was mostly delusional thinking.  39 years of a world not giving a $hit about me I think they made their final decision by now.  There is no other half for me.  I always have been and always will be alone in this world even if I am in a crowd.

The world doesn't 'not give a ' about you, you're just better than them (the majority of people aren't deep thinkers I find, usually it's easy for them to match up with someone who is predictably similar). We are (BPDs)  full of sensitivity, love and deep thought. 

I feel the same about relationships, I don't think I'll ever have a *certain* thing with anyone, where i'd be confident to commit *forever*. The idea of marrying someone scares the out of me!! (I'M 30) The idea of no escape scares me so much!! I'm used to jumping ship when things start sinking lol. I run away from the danger. 

My relationships are never 'normal' lol, because BPD people are complex AF and everyone I am attracted t is also complex AF. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...