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Overwhelmed by the Amount of Things Depressing Me

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It's ridiculous. I was doing so well for a while, but things just feel like they're adding up and whatever mental gymnastics and exercises I have been practicing aren't enough even with the antidepressants I'm on.

I'm depressed because I feel I have no ability to make a decision in my life. I'm at a point where I could either find work with my Bachelor's in Psychology, or continue on and try for a Master's. However, the thought of making this choice terrifies me and I end up doing nothing to reach towards either goal every day. What the Hell is wrong with me? For crying out loud, I had a friend on this very forum with worse issues than me, no high school diploma, yet they still made a choice to do something once they realized they had some options. My indecisiveness is depressing to me.

I'm depressed because of the social climate of my country, the U.S.A. I've never cared much for politics or agendas, but it seems like everywhere I go, there's someone telling me to be ashamed of myself for being a white, middle-class, conservative, male. It feels like because of my skin color and the thing between my legs, and a handful of my values, all of my thoughts and feelings and problems will be invalidated should I ever express them.  My frustration with the general public is depressing to me.

I'm depressed because I lack any artistic outlet. While many of my friends leave some small mark on the world and have small circles of fans who enjoy and support their talents, I can only wallow in past achievements. What limited talent for singing and playing video games that I do have is hampered by a lack of passion and diligence to continue singing and playing when nobody is there to listen or watch. My lack of creativity and passion is depressing to me.

I'm depressed because even after looking at what I've done with my life so far; a Bachelor's in Psych, a small but trustworthy group of friends, a 2nd degree black belt in Kuk Sool Won Martial Arts, a handful of fun video game streams hosted by me, gratitude from close friends whom I helped cope with difficult times, and a few awards for succeeding in school despite being legally blind, I still don't feel much satisfaction. Some people never get any of these things and live happy lives. Will I never feel fulfilled no matter what I do? My dissatisfaction with my life despite all that I've actually done is depressing to me.

I'm depressed because my past shortcomings keep crawling to the surface of my thoughts. Namely, my most recent and first romantic relationship that I've mentioned way too many times on this forum. Everyone else has already moved on. Nobody else is thinking about it. Why can't I let go already? I'm thankful for the experience I had, and I'm thankful I've reached a point where I can at least spend a little time with my ex in a group of mutual friends, but my self-pity and tendency to doubt myself has me constantly regretting my actions and hanging onto that regret as if it will somehow benefit me. My inability to let the past go after I've learned from it is depressing to me.

In the face of so many seemingly nebulous sources of depression, I just don't know what to do sometimes. Every thought I have feels like it's in opposition to another thought I'm having at the same time. It's like my mind is always foggy and dark, when all I want is clarity and light. It makes me irritable towards the people I love and disrupts my sleep schedule. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I know deep down I'm the only one who can put a stop to this. I'm just so frustrated with so many aspects of my thoughts., but because I also feel my frustration isn't valid enough to express in any way that I am capable of, that frustration and depression just continuously builds inside of me until I start to collapse under the weight of it all.

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When I am overwhelmed with too many things, I focus working on one thing, and hope that if I take care of the one thing then I can work on the next thing and so on.  

I've been told by counselors that other people have it worse than me.  I don't care, it isn't a competition and I still feel bad.  Comparing oneself to others is not good, I don't know why professionals do it to us.  So regardless of how others have things, your situation is valid too.  

And with your Pyschology background, you might not agree, but sometimes depression is genetic.  I had a counselor who disagreed with me once about the genetic component of depression.  It leads to a chemical imbalance in the brain.  So for some people, no matter how good things are, if they have the genes for reduced MAOA activity or some other condition, then they will struggle.

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Thanks for replying. I guess that really is the best advice I can take right now, and of the things on my mind, the only one that I can actually do something about is the job and school thing. Maybe if I get something going in terms of a job or getting into graduate school, the rest will fall into place.

I agree with you. It's not a competition to see who suffers the most or least. I just wish more people saw it that way. I kinda expect to just be smacked in the back of my head nowadays for daring to be sad. Between what I see on the news, TV shows, movies, and the internet (especially the internet), it just really looks like I'm not allowed to feel anything except good for myself and pity for everyone else. I don't know. I'm just confused and afraid to express how I'm really feeling most of the time because part of me worries about being called something I'm not.

I actually think it's hereditary too, the depression I mean. My mom took medicine for it, my brother took medicine for it, my grandmother on my mom's side took medicine for it. However, bad genes or not, I have to do something about it because I can't live the life I want while having all this stuff on my mind at the same time. Not that you were suggesting I just accept my genetics for what they are and stop fighting depression. Just rambling at this point. Sorry. I do appreciate the reply.

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