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New! Please help! Confused-Boyfriend Broke up with me, pushing me away


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My boyfriend and I broke up 6 weeks ago after being together for 2.5 years. He broke it off because of the fighting that was happening towards the end and he was depressed (which he never told anyone and this is the first time he has had it) due to an accident that leaves him with constant pain. He was withdrawing and I felt neglected. I did not know or realize he was depressed. He has always been a calm person. He has a family history of depression so I guess I should have picked up on some of the symptoms. But he was very good about hiding his depression and the amount of pain he was in from his accident. He also has a lot of issues from childhood and has never discussed his feelings about them, he suppresses a lot of feelings/issues. He now says he doesn't know if I am the right person for him even though upto a few weeks before our break up, he said he saw a future with me and would always say things like that throughout our relationship. While it wasn't perfect, we had an amazing relationship, lots of love, patience, chemistry, fun and laugher. We were fight a bit at the end but I didn't realize he was so stressed out. We are currently still in contact but he only wanted to text 1/week. I did see him one day and beg him to get back together. I apologized for my wrong doings but he said he couldn't get back together right now even though he loves and wants me because he is not mentally well and is blocked from emotionally connecting now. He is worried that he will get worse. He does not want to keep leading me on. He tells me to move on but when I ask him if he wants me to let go, he says no but that he cant promise me anything. He says he is not sure if I am the right person for him. He says its like I am on the opposite side of a river that he cannot cross and he feels empty inside. If he were to agree to being together, it  would only make him put on a face and that it wouldn't be fair. He is  now willing to see me 1/week and talk a bit but wants space. He says this is for my benefit as he saw how upset and in pain I am but that he doesn't really need it. He promised that he would call and start getting help but hasn't done so yet. He talks about our relationship with a lot of negative things which isn't the reality of it but then he says that a relationship like ours is hard to find.

I am having the hardest time of my life. I love him dearly, I want him to get better, I want him to be happy and remember the good times. This has completely broken my heart. I have never felt this much pain in my life. I realize I cannot beg him to come back or convince him to call for help, he needs to do it on his own. But waiting around is chickening me. I have stopped eating and sleeping. Only the past week have I started eating a bit again and sleeping more. 

Are there any happy endings? Do they come back?

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Hi Sarahh2018 and welcome to the Forums.

    I am so very sorry for the terrible ordeal you are going through.  I wish I knew what to say to help.  Do you know if your boyfriend is getting any kind of help for his depression?  Is he in the care of a licensed physician and/or therapist?  I know of many happy endings in situations similar to the one you are going through.  There is always hope.  I am glad you are eating a bit again and sleeping more.  Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support during this difficult, difficult time you are going through.  That is why we here:  to help each other.  You should not be alone with the terrible pain you are enduring!  - epictetus

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I'm sorry this is happening to you.  idk that I can speak to your POV.  But from what you described perhaps I can speak to his, since my frame of mind is similar at the moment.

In short, it sounds like he's dealing with more than he can handle right now in terms of both physical and emotional pain.  I can tell you from my own experience that constant physical pain will quickly drain my emotional resources down to empty.  So, too, few people understand the amount of energy it can take to keep up normal appearances, as he's apparently tried to do, or even socialize.  I'm speculating, but he may be pretty fragile at the moment.

If someone starts pressing me for attention - whatever the possibly good-intentioned reason - I'll perceive it as just another stressor that will drain me further and make me feel worse.  The best thing anyone can do for me in that case is to simply back off and let me deal with it in my own way in my own time.  I believe his concern for you is genuine.  But it sounds like he's telling you he doesn't have the emotional resources to meet your needs if he can't even meet his own.  Perhaps this sounds misogynistic (mods, please delete if I've crossed the line), but for some of us guys, confronting us with tears and pleading will drive us even further away.

Probably not the kind of answer you wanted.  Given the limited information I have and since the situation described struck a chord with me, I may be totally wrong.  But that's my take on your description.  Best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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7 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Hi Sarahh2018 and welcome to the Forums.

    I am so very sorry for the terrible ordeal you are going through.  I wish I knew what to say to help.  Do you know if your boyfriend is getting any kind of help for his depression?  Is he in the care of a licensed physician and/or therapist?  I know of many happy endings in situations similar to the one you are going through.  There is always hope.  I am glad you are eating a bit again and sleeping more.  Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support during this difficult, difficult time you are going through.  That is why we here:  to help each other.  You should not be alone with the terrible pain you are enduring!  - epictetus

Thank you for the support. He went to his GP but he still hasn't called to make an appoint to see a therapist.  He told his family and friends but even though there is a family history of severe depression in his family they don't seem to be trying to get him to call. He promised he'd call this week but I don't think he has. We were supposed to text only 1/week but I kept messaging him or coming to see him. I have been needy, begging, crying, upset and I think it puts too much pressure on him. He still a bit of himself but I can see a lot has changed. I'm not sure if he is putting on a show for his family or not. I miss my sweet amazing caring loving boyfriend. We have plans to see each  other in a few days for a couple hours and I've decided it is probably best to stop being emotional and stop talking about our relationship. I think I will just try to have fun with him and enjoy our time together. Maybe that will take off some of the pressure he is feeling from me. I just don't know how to help him make that call. He is scared to do it for fear of years of unspoken issues that he stuffed down. 

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  idk that I can speak to your POV.  But from what you described perhaps I can speak to his, since my frame of mind is similar at the moment.

In short, it sounds like he's dealing with more than he can handle right now in terms of both physical and emotional pain.  I can tell you from my own experience that constant physical pain will quickly drain my emotional resources down to empty.  So, too, few people understand the amount of energy it can take to keep up normal appearances, as he's apparently tried to do, or even socialize.  I'm speculating, but he may be pretty fragile at the moment.

If someone starts pressing me for attention - whatever the possibly good-intentioned reason - I'll perceive it as just another stressor that will drain me further and make me feel worse.  The best thing anyone can do for me in that case is to simply back off and let me deal with it in my own way in my own time.  I believe his concern for you is genuine.  But it sounds like he's telling you he doesn't have the emotional resources to meet your needs if he can't even meet his own.  Perhaps this sounds misogynistic (mods, please delete if I've crossed the line), but for some of us guys, confronting us with tears and pleading will drive us even further away.

Probably not the kind of answer you wanted.  Given the limited information I have and since the situation described struck a chord with me, I may be totally wrong.  But that's my take on your description.  Best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to hear the other side.Especially from someone who can relate to the chronic pain. He hid so much from me that I didn't know the extent of how much pain he was in. I understand now how hard things are for him. I have stopped the emotional melt downs, I have given him space but not texting as much -only the 1/week he wanted. I am now starting to take care of myself as I know I can't become a mess as it isn't healthy. He said he needed space from me and It is so hard to hear that as I was living with him every day and now we only speak 1/week. Its completely heartbreaking to see this amazing person suffer so much and I can't do anything to help him. He understands he is depressed and knows he needs to call and see a therapist but he just isn't doing that for fear of years of unspoken/unresolved issues he never dealt with.

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