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GinaXYZ

How to deal with crushing weight of existence

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Alright let me start this off with: I'm not normally this... edgy lol

I've had depression and PTSD since I was a little child with a nice side of anxiety. Then when I got older I was diagnosed with autism. 

To say that everyone here is probably having a s***ty time is an understatement so I was wondering if anyone here had any idea how to deal with just living. All my life I've always thought "This isn't worth it" about every single thing in my life. Sometimes it's showering, other times getting out of bed, other times it's talking or working or eating or drinking or other normal things that you're supposed to be doing. Don't get me wrong tho, I've done worse. Where I am right now is not that bad. I just got a job, I have a family that loves me, my dog is cute and loves being around me. Yet I always feel like I have to ruin everything that I have. I get irrationally angry at my family for the smallest things, I'm too tired to walk my dog, I don't wanna do my job because what's the point. 

I start where I think I should start in life but I never actually work towards any goals that I have or I abandon the goals immediately because of this whole "this isnt worth it" mentality I have. I started seeing therapists and stuff when I was 14 but quickly found out that the ones I have been talking to aren't very nice people. They're too removed from my situation and my traumas and too old for me to even slightly connect with. I felt weird with them, so I stopped going. 

I started my job literally 4 days ago and they're already making me do 48,5 hours a week. I had a broken spine last year and I'm kinda obese and they make me do the register where I stand for 8 hours a day, 6 times a week. Typically I don't get stressed out too easily but the amount of pain I am in when I'm working is making me nauseous. But if I don't work, I'll have to pay 170€ for insurane every month, which I really don't have. I'm almost 23 and I never really worked because I can't get rid of "this isn't worth it". How the hell does anyone live like that? Get up, be in pain all day and be stressed and feel physically sick and like throwing up, go home, go back to bed, and do the same again tomorrow. How do people do this for 50+ years? I worked maybe 2 months in my entire life (paid work at least) and I'm already sick of this. The pay is , my boss is mean to me, I have nothing to look forward to and I can't sleep. 

For real how does anyone here cope with this? I mean obviously this isn't the worst problem to have but I still struggle to find meaning in anything. I'm not really asking for the meaning of life but rather... How to deal with life not having any meaning to it. 

 

Honestly any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading!

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Hey Gina,

If you had a broken spine and are in pain, you are allowed to have medical aids.

I had awful back pain for many years and got one of these:

"ergonomic sit stand stool"

My health insurance even paid for it!

(Mine is from "muvman" and is excellent and very comfortable and easy to adjust)

It cost about $150.

It's height adjustable so you can use different heights throughout your shift, to rest your back in various ways.

They are also very discrete.

Because you are basically at standing height, most people don't even notice you're "sitting" down.

If you have trouble googling these sit-stand stools, let me know and I'll send you some links via the Forum's Private Messages.

Also, you might like checking out the forum "Spine Health" too. It helped me tremendously and I think it is a reputable, scientific medical forum with people who really know what they are talking about re back issues and back pain.

Edited by Sophy

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First of all, I can say from experience, that feelings come and go.  Whatever you do, don't let yourself fall into the trap of whatever you're struggling with today is going to stay like this the rest of your life.  I know, it's not easy.  Just think of making it through one day.  Please continue to look for the right therapist who you connect with.  This isn't easy either.  It's sorta like finding good friends.  But it's important so don't give up.  My guess is your job will get easier for you as you get used to it.  Also, I know how much my dog has meant to my mental health so be with that furry therapist as much as you can.  When I walk my dog I like to imagine what it's like in his world, how all the scents, sights and sounds affect him.  He is so joyous and lives life to the fullest.  He adores everyone he meets and things the greatest thing in the world is when he gets to chase a squirrel.  I should be a lot more like him.  Take one day at a time and know that we are pulling for you, praying for you, and wishing good things.  Hugs.

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