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Tux

Need advice to avoid relapse

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I have been doing really well for a good while now.

I even found a job after being off the grid for 9 years, a real gem of a job as it is super flexible and they don't care when I come in or go as long as I get the work done properly.

Life in general has been good.

I completed my DBT, I finished up the appointments with my OT.

I still have my individual therapist and a psychiatrist.

 

But lately I started to feel a bit fearful. I am worried about the other 'personalities', as in, I've a good few I have created over the years to cope with various situations and none of them have been needed in the past year. Which is a weird sensation after all those problem years.

But now it feels like, what if I am just waiting for disaster to strike.

I know I worked hard with all the therapies and things and I still practice my skills every single day, not one day goes by without me going back to DBT skill use, it's a work in progress! 

 

Do you ever feel like you are scared you might lose everything again, just because you are not quite 'normal' ?

 

I can feel it sneaking back in and I want to do everything I can to avoid a relapse.

 

I understand most people who are super active on this site are not particularly in a good place, but if you recognize yourself in this in any way and you have helpful advice, please drop me a PM.

I don't want to go back to my old self 😞

 

Thanks for reading.

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Hi Tux,

     I'm glad that things are better for you now.  That is great news!

     As far as helpful advice about avoiding relapse, I am not sure I can offer much.  

     Something that helps me a lot is what I have read in books by psychologists and psychiatrists.  I have a couple of books where therapists from various schools of thought discuss depression.  Although they all differ quite a bit, one thing I noticed is that one thing seemed to appear in all of the theories and that was that depression always involved low self-esteem and that anxiety often involved fear of the loss of self-esteem.  I found this to be very interesting and helpful.  

     The various writers I read seemed to agree that there is a sense that self-worth is vulnerable in sufferers of depression and anxiety.  I noticed that the various writers also seemed to agree that depression was linked to the feeling that self-worth had been irretrievably lost in the past or present so that the future was hopeless and that anxiety was linked with a fear that self-worth was vulnerable to loss in the future.

      Most of the theorists I read seemed to agree that having a sense that self-worth is invulnerable is essential to relieving or preventing depression and anxiety.  There seemed to be a lot of agreement too on the genesis of depression and anxiety at least in part [prescinding from organic pathology].  The idea I got from the readings was that many children grow up with the deep feeling and attitude that their self-worth is always at risk, that it is something they "have" not something they "are," that one's value as a person goes up and down like the stock market or that one must constantly earn or prove one's self worth.

     A lot of the psychologists and psychiatrists whose books I read considered self-worth as intrinsic and ontological:  one is born with it and can never lose it.  It is invariable and invulnerable.  One writer compared it to royalty.  In countries, for example, with royalty traditions, a person is born a prince or princess.  This is a dignity that cannot be taken from a person as long as that person lives.  Misfortunes in the past cannot touch it nor can misfortunes in the future threaten it.  Mistakes, even grave mistakes cannot remove the dignity of royalty either.  Many psychologists write that self-worth is like that but even more so.  One is born an absolutely unique human being.  There has never been someone exactly like that before and there never will be again.  This absolute uniqueness is the basis of self-worth and dignity.  The dignity is based on being, not on doing or having.  One does not have to do anything to get it and no matter what one does, one cannot lose it.  It does not vary.  It does not increase or decrease.

     A lot of the writers I read also agreed that "believing" that one's self worth is vulnerable can make a person vulnerable to depression and anxiety so that even after antidepressant chemotherapy or psychotherapy, if someone still believes in the vulnerability and variability of his or her self-worth, then he or she is at risk for relapsing depression or anxiety.

     I don't know why, but knowing this helps me a lot.  I don't know if it would help you or others.  Hopefully others here will respond to your post with other ideas.  I wish you only good things, Tux!  - epictetus

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Maybe not quite the same thing, but I constantly live in fear of the other shoe dropping. As soon as I start feeling remotely "good", something will come along and send me into a tailspin again. This happens without fail. I can't have more than one day where things seem to be going my way. The next day, the universe will reverse the flow and everything becomes its usual pile of sh!t.

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Yes I'm worried that I will lose everything again because I'm not quite normal.  I'm always afraid I'll lose everything.  I'm a lot like Marilyn Monroe was.  I realize I am nowhere close to normal.  I have to put on an acting performance every time I leave the house to survive the world.  Nobody wants anything to do with me so I have to become someone they want to be around.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yes I'm worried that I will lose everything again because I'm not quite normal.  I'm always afraid I'll lose everything.  I'm a lot like Marilyn Monroe was.  I realize I am nowhere close to normal.  I have to put on an acting performance every time I leave the house to survive the world.  Nobody wants anything to do with me so I have to become someone they want to be around.

The thing is, I turned that around for myself. I, too, have had many roles and to this day still have roles in certain situations. Like everyone does, the school run mam is not quite the same as the friend visiting a friend, for example.

However, I became someone I myself would want to be around. On the days that I can't pull it off that well, I focus more on errands and things to be done in house.

But it's like @JD4010 mentions, when is the other shoe dropping. Maybe it won't this time, who knows. But I am noticing that I am becoming more aware again of negative thoughts and they are becoming trickier to deal with.

Thank you @Epictetus for your response, I will look into it. Much appreciated!

Edited by Tux

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I am struggling at times to feel  good. It sucks, because I know I can do it.

 

I guess my appointment with my doc is overdue, get it sorted.

Edited by Tux

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On 5/24/2018 at 11:54 PM, sober4life said:

I know I rarely feel good anymore.  At best I get to numb.

That's not good.

 

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Hey Tux understand you truly. Meditation and yoga do that and you will definitely start feeling better. It will surely calm you down and get that optimism inside you. Also getting a dog could prove to be beneficial for you aswell. All the best mate.

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