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So about today..


Youngbull

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Today I was too weak and lazy to get ready for school. I stayed home. Im already pessimistic about today. I make a ton of risks today. Stealing from stores. Driving under the influence. Yelling and disrespecting close people. What have I become? How could a life make me so insane? How could I make so many resent me? To ask these questions makes me want to **** myself. I’m sitting outside and my bag is open right in front of me. Being alive is k i l l i n g me. Am i wrong to just not want to be here anymore? Im not going to make this about suicide. Im just really going through it. It never gets easier. I expected that. I want to be strong enough. Strong enough to get through what life throws at me. I am the worst daughter and sister. Im such a needy, annoying friend. I am a rude Biotch. The world would function just fine if I don’t exist. I don’t know my place in the world. I’m literally unwanted every where I go that I don’t even want myself. Today is confirmation. Today is clearing the air. Today is telling me I am useless. Today is pushing me to understand myself. Today was torture like any other day. Today I realize I am worthless for sure. Today adds to evidence that anyone who hasnt loved me was right to do so. Today is a nightmare I’m living. Today I am homeless. Today I breathe. Today I sit outside with 12% left on my phone speaking to other people on these forums for the same reason I am. Today I write to anyone willing to read this. I write to you: my short-comings, my fears, my struggles, my feelings, my thoughts, my experience (that 7 billion other people experienced differently). I’m writing from the soul to tell each of you I’m never going to give up. I’m breathing 1-10 and repeat. I’m angry and I’m here in the now, alive. I hope to inspire and become an empath for others. 

 

“Don’t underesitmate me! I dont quit and I don’t lose!” -NU:roll2:

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You are NOT worthless. You are not the worst. You are not a “biotch”. And I can guarantee it, because you have that understanding of your shortcomings and most importantly, remorse. That may be how you feel since facing your actions and it’s understandable but the fact that your bad actions invoke such a reaction is a good thing in a way.

How long did it take you to become to person you are today? Know that if you want to change that, it will not be an overnight change. I don’t know how long you’ve stepped into the self-awareness realm but it’s a good thing. You became who you are through years of exposures and possible traumas and it’ll likely take years of the right kind of exposure and mending that’ll change you again. 

Be kind to yourself. You’re ahead of the game. Your self-awareness is to your benefit. Maybe you could speak with a doctor about tools to help yourself in this journey.

 

cheers!

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we are reading your posts and responding to them, right? this means youre not worthless because youre important enough to even strangers to have nice conversations with. 

i have to admit, you have a great writing style and excellent composition. have you ever thought about getting a BA in creative writing??

:hugs:

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Many of us feel similar to what you describe, as in life is a constant struggle, nothing ever comes easy, the world would be better off without me, etc.

I'm one of those who thinks that way too.

I love how you describe it. Poetic!

Thanks for your post--and keep posting. You are now a member of this family! It's a great bunch.

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