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theonewhoknocks

Constant pain

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Why does my mind work like this? Why? Why is it that "help" in this godforsaken world only consists of reiterating societal expectations? I'm sick of tough love. I'm sick of everything. You know why? Because everywhere I go this ****ed up brain follows. I don't want to live anymore. Do you understand that? Do you people who are reading this understand that? Do you truly get it? Or are you just going to "help" me by telling me I need to make more money or exercise more. Because that's all a therapist is going to tell me. That's all a "successful" person is going to tell me. I'm ****ing done. No more. No more. This ends very soon. Very very soon. Life is a curse that I don't wish upon anyone. **** the fact that we're just far away enough from the sun to exist. **** this world. I've made it 23 years on this planet and I don't plan to make it to 24. Will I **** myself today? Probably not. Tomorrow? Not likely. But I will **** myself one of these days. And it shall come as a surprise to nobody. I've been alluding toward my suicide for years now. Everyone who knows me personally knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. Every day with this . Every ****ing minute of every ****ing day. Just a hollow, empty feeling in my head. Just more pain. Pain that radiates throughout my skull. It's always there. It sometimes even haunts me in my dreams. Why? Why why why why why? I don't know. I don't ****ing know. My mind does not produce creative thoughts. Or relevant ones. No abstract thoughts here. Just vacancy. And pain. More pain. Welcome to my head. This never goes away. Pain is supposed to come and go. You stub your toe, it hurts, and then the pain goes away, right? Not this pain. It never ceases. Never. It is all I ever feel. All I ever feel. All I ever feel. I've begged the universe for it to stop. I've demanded that it stop. I've prayed. I've worked. I've attended school. I've exercised. I've eaten right. I've socialized. Does any of that help? Nope. **** this. I don't know how the **** people make it to old age. And I can't fathom why anyone would want to force life upon a little half-them who is then supposed to force life upon a little half-them. I'm never having kids because I do not wish this upon anyone. Here you go, here's life. Enjoy the never- ending pain. And then have fun dying. Yeah that makes sense. Maybe that's not the reality for some people. But it is my reality. Just more pain. Emptiness. Fatigue. Buzzing. Burning. In my head. All day long. No creativity. No ideas. Just the same restricted thoughts and the same sensation. No more. I'm taking a stand. I'm ending this. I'll maybe endure this for a couple more years tops. But I can assure you that I'm going to **** myself someday. And nobody can take that away from me. It is my God-given right. **** this pain in my head. **** this life. **** my parents for forcing it upon me. I am done. No more. I'm gonna go to bed now. Thanks for reading. 

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I read your post and I truly want to help.

In 2015 my 39 year old son killed himself.

The emptiness you are experiencing is very, very metaphorically real.

We all have a very, vast, deep, dark, dangerous abyss.

Of course not all of us become trapped and lost in our metaphorical caves.

Our goal on this forum is to not leave anyone behind in their depression cave.

We all have been through hell and want to help each other as best we can.

Please stick with us and stick with yourself.

There is always a way out of the darkness.

If there is a way in there must be a way out.

My approach is to metaphorically turn my back on the abyss.

Please keep posting.

Oscar.

 

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I know the feeling the onewhoknocks, I've tried, it's all too familiar to me and im back there now, is there things you can change, job? Home? City/state? Anything to break the cycle

Just hang in, if i can anyone can, in the meantime keep letting it out here

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Hey,

Have you actually been to a therapist?

Sure, there's some superficial therapists out there that just want to help their patients stay "functional".

But I think most therapists take psychological stuff more seriously. You should really give them a fair try.

If you've tried changing "external" things in your life (work, school, exercise, socialising) and that's not helping, I guess you'll need to address your "internal" stuff like depression, emotional pain, trauma.

Really, the only people equipped to help you with that stuff are psychologists and psychiatrists. That's what they do all day long. Help people with these "internal" issues.

Sometimes I think having depression is like having cancer of the soul. It needs treatment.

It's up to you to find out what treatment works.

A big part of that is facing your fears. Your deepest fears.

And not running away from them.

If you've addressed the external factors in your life, I think it's time to face the internal stuff head on.

Finding a good therapist and psychiatrist takes time.

You may need to see up to 5 of each, before you find one that is helpful and that you like and trust.

Don't leave looking for a good therapist and psychiatrist too long, because it's hard finding one when you're desperate and don't have the time and patience to look for good help.

 

 

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Everything you wrote is the truth and I’m sure a lot of us get it. What’s the point in waking up to suffer each day in a never ending cycle of mental anguish. Your completely logical and yes it is your god given right and it’s only natural to seek relief if you break a bone you rush to the hospital but what if you have a condition like you do and that we all do that can’t be treated properly then it’s only normal for us humans to seek relief in the only way it can truly be ended but deep down we obviously don’t want to die we just don’t want to suffer keep on fighting though because your life has value even though it’s rough as hell to be alive you never know a break through of relief could be hours days or months away. We all have the thoughts and feeling you do just no that we’re sufering with you were a brotherhood/sisterhood of unstable minds in pain that alone coming together can bring strength and small amounts of relief just knowing we’re all in this together even if we’ve never met or don’t know each other. As for societal expectations that you brought up **** society they constantly tell us that you need to be rich famous successful the best at your craft and you’ll be happy or labeled as a somebody. All that is BS 99 percent of us are just average joes and there’s nothing wrong with that but unfortunately we all feel that constant pressure but it’s not realistic for the majority of us. I fell into that trap trying to be the best trying to make lots of cash and i did I traveled to a bunch of country’s I had three girlfriends at once wasn’t the best in the world at my craft but was fairly decent I chased crazy adrenaline rushes many which weren’t legal activities and it never made me happy. Being rich successful or what ever it is they say you need to be doesn’t matter no one is above me or less then me we all bleed when cut and we all will return to the grave one day so for all the people who think they are a somebody because of what they do or what they have are fools living in a marketed illusion. Anyways I don’t have any solutions if I did I wouldn’t be here but just keep on fighting and take comfort in the fact that we’re sufferinf an fighting this illness/disorder right with you brother/sister.  

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