Jump to content

Recommended Posts

52 minutes ago, alliryann18 said:

@decado

So sorry that you were in a car accident! I hope you are doing well. 4 years ago I was in a crash and rollover with our family minivan and it was quite jarring. 

I'm sure that your CO probably thought you were a charming and bubbly girl. He sees lots of people so I'm sure he thought positively or just neutral of you no matter what. Not negative.

I thought that he had been curt or dismissive of you from what you'd posted-- and it sounds like that wasn't the case at all. You are probably suffering from the 'letdown' that people experience after meeting their CO's. 

I’m sorry you had to go through that! I hope that everyone was ok and your all doing well now, sending you virtual hugs.

On the CO thing, I just feel so guilty. Because I was so chatty to the other four members and as my friend said I my usual Manchester self! Saying the usual “Hiya Love, how are you?” to the first three members. Then I barely spoke to my CO. Then the singer was really bubbly which took away my nerves again. So I went back to being high on life again. I’m just worried he  noticed and thought I was just rude to him or just didn’t like him. I’m just terrified he’s gone away hating me. I adore that man so much 😢

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@decado,

I think he knows you liked him and you were just shy. You touched his hand, which is a way of saying, "I like you." Since it was only for a second, I don't think it was too pushy or forward. He may have wondered for a second why you acted different with the others, but I think your hand touch would reassure him that it wasn't because you didn't like him. He probably figured you were just too shy to say much, and that's okay. Shyness is often endearing.

Edited by BlueStarr

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't mean to trigger anyone, but we're coming up on a year since Chester.  💔

It took me nearly 4 months to be able to listen to any Linkin Park at all after he died.

Even then I could only handle a song or two at a time, every few weeks.

Even now, I still can't listen to more than 3 or 4 songs at a time, every few weeks. 

I used to jam to Linkin Park All. The. Time. 

I only have 3 full albums, but I can sing nearly every one By. Heart.

I just watched Heavy for the first time.

Bawled my eyes out. 

And I Never. Cry. 

So here's a hug for anyone struggling with Chester's absence. 

:console: ❤️ :console:❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rant:

Some days I just feel like I can't anymore. I can't deal with this. I messed up and almost stumbled on her news feed and I swear I saw a rumor about her.   My fingers stung a bit because I punched the wall in anger because I want to be with her! Ugh! The stupid ****ing internet, and the stupid ****ing guys who get to be with her, **** life, I hate being afraid of going to bed because I know she's not there and trying to not think about her!

 

Edited by FlashFlame23

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/3/2018 at 9:05 PM, FlashFlame23 said:

Rant:

Some days I just feel like I can't anymore. I can't deal with this. I messed up and almost stumbled on her news feed and I swear I saw a rumor about her.   My fingers stung a bit because I punched the wall in anger because I want to be with her! Ugh! The stupid ****ing internet, and the stupid ****ing guys who get to be with her, **** life, I hate being afraid of going to bed because I know she's not there and trying to not think about her!

 

I am sorry you are feeling down.  I know what it's like to see stuff on the internet that hurts you.  Just now I came across a photo of M smooching some (not even pretty) woman when he got his star on the walk of fame.  My heart clenched up and I'm upset!  But I'm going to try and not let it get to me.  The photo is three years old and he's still single.  But I wanted to break my screen when I saw that.  Why oh why do I feel so strongly for him?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been looking up my CO & his partner for days and the guilt and gut feelings are back.  Because I looked them up.  But I tried grounding for an impossible-to-know amount of time and I feel much better.  Grounding cures guilt--or at least it's good medicine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Every now and then I still google Josh but it's pretty rare these days.  I found myself looking up How I Met Your Mother stuff again though last week and I had a massive migraine and couldn't sleep well that night.  It's crazy how something so minor can still trigger me.  I have decided to publish my first book under a fake name but I don't know if I could ever write about Josh even with a fake name.  I find myself missing him and I don't even know him...makes no sense at all whatsoever.  I had to block quora because they had a lot of people asking questions about How I Met Your Mother.  The ones that gave me a headache were the ones who liked the ending and said it made perfect sense.  If I didn't see so much of myself in the mother and in Robin I wouldn't have gotten so ill from it maybe...who knows...maybe it was bond to happen either way.   I saw a picture of him with Obama before I got crazy over him and I wonder if it was real or photoshopped.  I loved Obama...I'm sorry to get political but I did.  If he hadn't  been elected, I wouldn't have the good affordable health insurance I have now.  I was paying almost $1000/month for my health insurance and that only partially covered meds and my doc and therapist were $85/session each.  I wrote Obama a thank you letter and he responded...well, at least he signed a response.  Anyways, I am sorry to post again and sorry to get political.  I really thought I was getting better but I just can't get Josh out of my head.  No matter what I do.  I've drafted songs and poems...maybe I will share one of them with you guys sometime.  Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying their summer.  I guess I will try to listen to Simon and Garfunkel.  Someone compared him and Ben Lee's style of music to them and Simon and Garfunkel are way better.  I went to one of their reunion concerts with my mom in 2003.  Best concert ever.  I also have been listening to a lot of Billy Joel but two of his songs were featured in two different episodes so I am not sure I will be able to listen to him too much.  I wish I could find more music that helps...I've got a ton of playlists but so far only I Hope You're Happy By Blue October and You Can Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and What About Us By Pink are the only three songs that always help.   I did end up buying Fight Song By Rachel Platten which someone here recommended but that song really is only good when I am ticked off that Josh became a trigger.  I thought about buying Shake it Out By Florence and the Machine.  It was part of the show but it kinda fits.  Do you agree?  Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks,

starbucksjunkee

 

 

 

Edited by starbucksjunkee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On July 18, 2018 at 7:48 PM, starbucksjunkee said:

 I find myself missing him and I don't even know him...makes no sense at all whatsoever.  

Same for me with my CO. I miss him so much even though we've never met. It's such a strange feeling. He hasn't posted anything since the end of May, though every now and then I'll see that he's liked something one of the other guys on the team posted.

I'm longing for the end of summer. I don't do so well in the heat for one thing, but what's really getting to me is that we're right in the middle of wedding season. It seems like I am constantly hearing about people getting married, celebrities and non-celebrities alike. A bunch of hockey players have gotten married, it seems. One of the guys on my CO's team got married at the end of last month and another is getting married tomorrow. Three more of them are engaged. So there's the paranoia of seeing my CO at one of their weddings with a date, though it doesn't appear that he went to the first and I've seen no indication that he's in Europe for the next.

But it's more that it feels like everyone in the world is falling in love and getting married, except for me. I usually feel pretty lonely, but it's been so much worse lately. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Musiclover,

I can understand how you feel.  I don’t think I will ever get married and it makes me cynical and depressed.  I hope noone else asks me to be in their wedding.  I dont like having to wear something someone else picked out.  Almost everyone I know has someone and I dont want to end up like that girl in 27 dressses.  The last time I was in a wedding I got to pick my own dress.  The bride just requested a conservative style and a color preference.  I saw one of my exes and his pregnant wife.  But I was really happy because I finally knew why we broke up.   Enough time had passed so it didnt hurt.  It did hurt though that he didnt speak to me once the whole time.  Very immature.

  I wish Josh would get married.  It would hurt but I think it would be better.  I would be able to turn off the fantasies.  I want him to be happy.  I would really like it if he got with Cristin Milioti bc they had amazing chemistry but she has a bf and shes is too young.  I am six years younger than him and she is nine.   Its no big deal but I cant imagine theyd have much in common.  And maybe when i am older I will find someone but right now I am not looking.  When Josh made me so nuts it kinda scared me off dating.  I have never been really comfortable flirting anyway.  When I talk sometimes the guy says straight away my girlfriend this or my wife that.  Its like dude, I am just talking to you. I am not asking for a date!  Lol. And it drives me crazy when guys dont wear their wedding rings and they are married.  I wish it was a law for both genders to do it and gay couples too!  Oh well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/19/2018 at 10:25 PM, musiclover83 said:

Same for me with my CO. I miss him so much even though we've never met. It's such a strange feeling. He hasn't posted anything since the end of May, though every now and then I'll see that he's liked something one of the other guys on the team posted.

I'm longing for the end of summer. I don't do so well in the heat for one thing, but what's really getting to me is that we're right in the middle of wedding season. It seems like I am constantly hearing about people getting married, celebrities and non-celebrities alike. A bunch of hockey players have gotten married, it seems. One of the guys on my CO's team got married at the end of last month and another is getting married tomorrow. Three more of them are engaged. So there's the paranoia of seeing my CO at one of their weddings with a date, though it doesn't appear that he went to the first and I've seen no indication that he's in Europe for the next.

But it's more that it feels like everyone in the world is falling in love and getting married, except for me. I usually feel pretty lonely, but it's been so much worse lately. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Hey there, sorry you’ve been feeling down. I’m sure I would feel the same way although I do like weddings, but I haven’t been invited to any this year. I am planning to buy a wedding gift for a coworker who I like even though I wasn’t invited to her wedding (and I’m fine with that).

I was feeling a bit depressed earlier this month due to my birthday, and I had also been communicating with a guy who I was really enjoying getting to know, but things didn’t work out. 😞 However, since I was focusing the majority of my mental energy on him (I can only really direct it on one person at a time), I ended up losing interest in my CO. But now a former CO has taken his place. lol I also joined a Meetup group just to make new friends and socialize more because I think that would be good for me. The first Meetup event was today and it turned out pretty well, so I’m going to one next weekend also. I’m sure it can’t hurt for me to get out of the house more often!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good grief. So this weekend not one, but two of the guys on the team got married. I knew about the one yesterday, but not the one today. My CO was not in Europe for the first. But he's here in town for the one that was earlier today. Yet another one of the players posted a picture of a group of guys and had a few Instagram stories up that my CO was in. No indication that he brought a date. As much as the thought of seeing him with another woman makes me want to throw up, I almost wish I could just see one. The initial pain would be terrible, but maybe it would help me let go.

I really don't want to let go is the thing. This CO feels so different from others I've had. It really seems like we'd get along and I so love the fantasy. What I don't love is how I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always happens and it always hurts and I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. Right now it just hurts. Part of me is thrilled knowing that we're in the same city again, at least as long as he's in town. But at the same time, another part of me aches knowing he's in town but we're not together. I almost miss him more knowing he's somewhere in the city. What gives? I guess it's a so close, but still so far kind of thing.

It just hurts right now. It hurts and I want it to stop hurting. 

@starbucksjunkee it makes me crazy when guys don't wear wedding rings too! Or have it on them at the very least. My dad's wedding ring doesn't fit on his finger anymore because of his arthritis, but he wears it on a chain that he always has on. One thing I thought was interesting in the guy who got married yesterday - I'll call him V - is Swedish and I had thought he was already married because he wore a ring. So when it came out that he was getting married, it confused me. Come to find out, when a Swedish couple gets engaged, both of them wear engagement rings. Then the bride (or, presumably, brides if it's two women getting married) will get a second ring the day of the wedding. I almost wish we'd adopt that custom here! Of course if men won't wear wedding rings, they likely wouldn't wear an engagement ring either, but I like the idea of it.

@HopelessRomantic2011 happy belated birthday! Mine was earlier this month too. I'm sorry it didn't work out with the guy you'd been talking to. But the Meetup group sounds promising! I've wondered about trying to get out of the house more. It definitely seems like it can't hurt to give it a shot. Hope you have a good thing at the next one too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was let down in the most horrible, terrible way possible yesterday!  I wanted to almost **** myself.  Today was spent putting pictures of my CO all over my room to help me feel better.  My best friend is leaving my workplace, my baby quail died and my ma doesn't approve of my bible study lessons with my new Jehovah's Witnesses friend.  And then this letdown of massive proportions.  Could this summer get any worse?  Sorry I just need to vent and cry! 😭😭😭

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@musiclover83

"really don't want to let go is the thing. This CO feels so different from others I've had. It really seems like we'd get along and I so love the fantasy. What I don't love is how I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always happens and it always hurts and I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. Right now it just hurts. Part of me is thrilled knowing that we're in the same city again, at least as long as he's in town. But at the same time, another part of me aches knowing he's in town but we're not together. I almost miss him more knowing he's somewhere in the city. What gives? I guess it's a so close, but still so far kind of thing."

My Two Cents

I know exactly how you feel, Musiclover.  I can relate to what you said about it feeling different and it seeming like you guys would get along and loving the fantasy.  But for me when I found out he was close by, that was when I knew I had to let him go.  Because I had no way to see him and I got really depressed for a week.  He was having a concert really late starting at 11 or after in a town I don't feel safe in alone and my parents would never agree to it. I know I'm an adult, I should be able to do what I want but paying for uber and losing sleep for someone who made me totally nuts?  I can't do it to myself.  Besides, I can't drive at night.  It's kinda like that old U2 song...With or Without You.  Music helps me a lot...I've made so many playlists for Josh it's insane.  I don't know what I would do if I ever saw him face to face.  I guess I would say something as long as I was not with my parents at the time.  But I got so ill from thinking about him...I just focus on that.  My brother was able to block my mozilla firefox on my computer so I can't google search him anymore.  I wish he could've done it with all of my browsers and all of my devices.  But I'm just going to have to have self control.  I cried for two days after he did something I always wanted him to do.  I wanted to write him and say Thank you Josh...I hope I find someone like you some day that doesn't make me crazy like you did.

U2 With or Without You

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi everyone!

I didn't visit this board for quite some time, I thought I wanted to say Hi today to everybody, irregardless of wherever you come from! Last year July, I was heartbroken and feel terribly sad as my CO just had a new lady in his life. I've been loving my CO for two years now since 2016. That point of my life is the hardest as like fighting with a ghost, fighting with my own self. Where no one can see or understand what I'm going through. But I'm silently hurt, depressed and feeling troubled. I don't know how on Earth I can love someone that I never met, probably would never met at all, someone that is unreachable and didn't know that I'm exist, but I did. God given him power to almost destroy me and I tried to stay away from it. I totally deleted everything about him on my phone and didn't check on him online, including blocking his social media. 

It was hard, I missed him a lot. About 3-4 months after that, I came back to checking him online. I can't resist sometimes and the needs to see how he's doing is unbearable. From one day to another, I became more and more comfortable coming back to the CO fandom as he wasn't seen with his girlfriend. Add on, he had a new movie came out that time so I feel like, I need to watch that no matter what happened, I just don't care. The girlfriend remains invisible until I found out they had broken up earlier this year. 

So, as he's single again, I'm 110% back to the CO Mode especially now as he's busy promoting his latest film that will come out errr tomorrow? Hahahaha. This week, I got a lot of videos, pictures and news about him. I'm enjoying it but there's also discomfort in there. I found myself to be stuck in the CO bubble for the whole day, checking his updates in between works, and lose focus while I'm in office. Add on to that problem, my job scope in office has become lesser now, so I gets to daydreaming a lot. 

I think this is not good. For the past two years, I can concentrate on work just fine cause I'm super busy, but now I can't. My days become less productive. So I decided to be less attached to the CO effective from today. I'm planning to only checking him online during weekend, after that, maybe a month or never at all (if I could make it). I desire to be free from this. Please wish me luck guys xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went to their show. The moment I saw their silhouettes on stage I felt an overwhelming burst of love for them. Literally,  everything else was gone from my mind just a hyper focus on them remained. My unhealthy obsessions live and in person in front of me. I stopped breathing. Thank goodness for the deafening screams of the other fans bringing back my consciousness or I might of passed out. I had been doing really well weening myself off their social media and not watching videos but I knew I had just undid all that progress. My self preservation kicked in and I blocked them from everything. I have been going cold turkey for a while. It's been painful. My mood is noticeably worse. I wasn't strong enough the first time I tried to purge myself of this obsession I don't think I am strong enough now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ViceCityKitty,

I hope things have gotten better for you since your last post.  I wasn't sure how to respond to it and I'm still not sure.  I used to have a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness.  I lost touch with her but it was interesting to learn about religion from a different perspective.  I don't know if this will make you feel any better but I think that it's important to have friends from different backgrounds.  I know what it's like to feel like you don't have approval from your parents and the hurt that can cause.  I'm 37 years old and their opinion still means more to me than anybody else's.  The only thing I've learned is that we can't always make them happy.  We have to do what makes us happy as long as it's not harming us or someone else, we shouldn't worry.  We always will though unless we're lucky enough to be completely 100% independent.  I only know two people like that my sister and this friend of mine that came to this country when she was 25 and almost never goes back to her home.  Even my brother is not 100%...he won't take my mother and father's money but he often seeks their advice for raising his kids and we babysit them a lot.  (It's wonderful when I'm healthy...I hope they never see me really ill...).  My mom is going on a trip with them and he said he didn't think I should go.  I wasn't ready to go on such a massive trip anyway but it still kinda hurt.  I guess I give him too many mental health updates for him to be confident in me in that department even though I am better than anyone else in playing with those kids.  I can play for hours without getting tired as long as I'm not running constantly.

All

I just got back from a really nice trip but the last night was horrible.  I only got five hours of sleep and the night before the last night I was one hour short of what I needed.  I had to fake good health with my mom yesterday and it was so hard.  I think I need a week to recover.  But something happened that I want to share with you guys.  Have you ever wanted to be with someone just because you loved their family?  Well, my mom was married to someone like that once and he turned out to be a bad guy.  I just met my best friend's son (my best friend is older than me...old enough to be my dad...it's weird I know).  He was 31 years old and I was so relieved because I didn't like him.  He told a really inappropriate story and it was like thank God I don't like him...but it was a little hard to sleep after I met him because I gave him the cliff notes version of my personality and how I never want to settle for the wrong guy.  My weight makes me more self conscious than I used to be and he said I was beautiful.  Now, guys, I know that's nothing but to me it was everything.  No guy outside my family has said that to me for a very long time.  I am so glad I can share this with you because I still don't have a new doctor and therapist yet and I'm getting stressed about that.  I think I have enough meds to hold me over and my parents can take me to a doctor in an emergency but I'm still stressed.  I could write pages on this site but I will quit for now.  I hope everyone is doing okay.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope everyone is doing ok! I know it’s been kind of quiet around here lately. I’ve been fine. I had a somewhat strange interaction with a former CO this week via social media. Without going into too much detail, he made an extra special effort to acknowledge me and instead of being excited about it (like I would’ve been a few months ago), I really didn’t feel much of anything. I can’t believe how fickle I am sometimes. It’s just that he’s not really on my mind much nowadays.

I want to continue writing a story that I started working on two years ago that was inspired by a different CO, so in order to do that, I have to go back to the mindset I had back then and immerse myself in all things related to that particular CO (even though I technically got over him too, but I still like the story that I came up with). A lot of it is centered around music, so I’ve just been listening to the music that I was listening to around the time that I developed the story idea to help me get back to where I need to be mentally. I have so many unfinished stories that I started and never completed because once my interest level in a CO drops (even just a bit), I can’t write the story anymore because I no longer have the inspiration for it. So that’s annoying because I have lots of story ideas that I liked and just had to abandon them. But I still feel like I have some inspiration left to continue this particular story...or at least that’s how I feel this week! 😄

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so mad at myself. I keep doing things that I know could trigger me and I do them anyway. I miss having a CO back when there wasn't social media because it can be so bad for us. Usually it's instagram that gets me, today it was twitter. My CO hasn't tweeted in well over a year, but he likes tweets from time to time. I know this because I find myself looking at his likes. It's such a bad idea. What set me off was seeing that he'd liked 4 tweets by this pretty pro tennis player who was apparently in his home town - where he is since it's still the offseason - for a tournament or something. Granted, I know he loves his home town and two of her tweets were about it. The other two were sort of amusing. Me being me automatically looked her up at instagram - I don't follow tennis at all so I'd never heard of her. She had picture up from 4 days ago when she was in his city of her taking a picture and the caption was something like when bae looks good leading people to question if this was a new boyfriend. Sidenote: I hate the term bae. 

So now I'm upset because what if he's her boyfriend. Ignore that she didn't actually say she had a boyfriend and it could've just been her joking around. She's not following him anywhere and he's following her on twitter, but not instagram. Yes, I checked and why? Why do I sabotage myself like this? The thing about this is I think about all the posts I like on both the sites, many posted by men - some I find attractive. And so much of the time it doesn't mean anything other than I just liked it. It doesn't mean I have feelings for them. At least not like I do for my CO. A like is sometimes nothing more than a like. I know this. Him liking a batch of her newest tweets doesn't mean he's in love with her or that they're together. Even if he was/is interested in her, it doesn't mean she is or would be interested in him. Though I can't imagine why she wouldn't be. I don't even know if they've ever actually met in real life or not! Okay, so they were in the same city for a few days. So what? I live in the city where his hockey team is based (not because of him, mind) so he lives here during the season and I've certainly never run into him anywhere. Or anyone else from the team, for that matter. Granted, in this instance both of them are pro athletes and maybe more likely to come across each other, but not necessarily. I don't know if she even knows who he is. Stressing about it is just a waste of my time and energy. I know all of this and yet here I am, mad at myself and upset about this.

I think a lot of it is that I've been feeling so bad about myself lately. Looking at some of her pictures and seeing some of the kinds of pictures other girls have been posting just reminds me of what I'm not. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm no model. No one ever calls me beautiful. I'm self-conscious about my body, more my shape than my size. I think I'm oddly shaped and horrible out of shape. Although even if I was in perfect shape, I could never be the type to be comfortable showing off my body like so many of them are.  I've come to hate mirrors. I look at the pictures beautiful women post and think about how those are likely the kind of women my CO would go for. Not me. I find myself not liking these girls and then I hate myself for feeling that way. None of them have done anything to me. They just remind me of all that I'm lacking. That's without factoring in my health issues and my horrible anxiety. Pretty much the only time I leave the house is to go to doctor's appointments. I've struggled with agoraphobia in the past and was doing so well until this year. I get panic attacks every day, it seems. Sometimes more than one. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm just sad and lonely and, now, mad. And feeling stupid for looking at his likes in the first place when I know better. I can't take this. I wish I could take a vacation from myself. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know exactly what you mean.  I am very self conscious about my looks and I hate mirrors too.  When I am sick I want to throw rocks at my bathroom mirror.   I have never worn sexy clothes and never will.   When I look at younger photos of myself I think I was unconventionally beautiful but now I feel misshaped.    When I look down I have a double chin.  I never wear or wore makeup unless I am in a wedding.  I wear tankini bathing suits with long snug tops. I threw away a suit that a guy admired me in bc I can’t stand when guys look at me like that.   I can’t walk in high heels because I look like a drunken sailor if I try.  I can’t alternate my feet going downstairs so carrying large objects downstairs is practically impossible and it’s definitely impossible on escalators.  

I am trying to learn not to compare myself to others because I think inner beauty is more important than outward appearance.  My mom found this site of old actors and actresses and it made her feel better about herself.  She is 71. Maybe you should try to find it because they all look really bad.  I saw pictures of the girl who played Malory on family ties and she looks her age.  People criticize Cristin Milioti and I think she is gorgeous as long as she doesn’t use too much eye makeup.  She went through an awkward short hair period in her youth like I did.   I like my eyes but that’s the only part of me that I like all of the time and if I think eye brow plucking and threading look silly and painful.  I hate to wear anything that draws attention to my chest.   Some of my t shirts do but I always layer with them.  If you watch How I Met Your Mother, Tracy’s style is closest to how I dress except for the strapless dresses she wears and her wedding dress.  Flannel shirts, jackets, baseball shirts, etc.  I don’t have agoraphobia and I don’t hate myself but I have had social anxiety my whole life.   It got better after I joined Toastmasters but I am still afraid sometimes of what people think of me and I analyze everything I am going to say in my head before I say it.   I used to think that even if I got down to my hs weight and published my book and moved to LA Josh wouldn’t want me and that hurt tremendously.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never been able to wear heels. It's like that scene in Bambi when he goes out on the ice for the first time. I just can't do it. Plus I have rheumatoid arthritis and that doesn't pair well with heels. It makes my feet hurt too much to try. But I suppose that when you barely leave the house, it doesn't matter that you can't wear heels. I pretty much live in t-shirts, jeans, shorts and pajamas. I don't get dressed up unless it's for something special. It's been years since I've had reason to.

I do agree that inner beauty is more important than outward appearance. I've known so many people who were physically beautiful, but ugly on the inside and that makes them less attractive to me. I'd rather have a good heart than a stunning reflection, but I'm not so sure that I have one. I try to be a good person, but I don't feel like I am. I just wish I could stop being so hypercritical of myself. I do like my eyes, but when I look at myself all I can seem to focus on is how much I'd like to change. Almost everything.

Meanwhile, I went and blocked that tennis player on twitter. It's petty especially since I never followed her to begin with, but blocking her means I won't see her tweets in my CO's likes. I went and checked after I did it and they were gone. That didn't magically make me feel better about the situation, but at least I won't see if he likes any more of them if I check. Though my goal is to try to resist the temptation to look at all. I'm still so angry at myself. It's one thing to be completely blindsided by something upsetting. It's another thing to go looking for trouble which is what I was doing. I've been sad and angry all day. And my anxiety is on high alert and my joints really hurt. Just a lousy day all around. To think I was happy yesterday when I saw a picture one of my CO's friends posted that he was in - a picture of all guys and those don't bother me. It made me happy to see my CO's face. And then today happened.

But as petty as it may be, blocking that girl feels like the right decision for me. I'm not strong enough to unfollow him. Not yet anyway, but I won't have to deal with seeing her in his likes. Of course, if it turns out that they are together I'll probably end up seeing pictures and whatnot down the road. But for now, this was the right decision for my mental health. Now I'm trying to distract myself. Worrying about it just upsets me and if I'm going to think about him, I'd rather focus on my fantasies involving him. If only we could always ever focus on the good parts about having a CO. That would make it so much easier.

Edited by musiclover83
To fix spelling

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing.   Glad I am not the only one who is self critical.  Unfortunately for some of us (me for one) even thinking about the positive stuff about having a co can trigger us.   If I had never read anything Josh wrote in his mailing list and I had never seen him in t.v.and all I heard was his music with Ben Lee...I could have appreciated it like Simon and Garfunkel.  Some are comparing them but for me s&g are ten thousand times better.    I have drafted a story and written some poetry so I guess he inspired me somewhat creatively.   But I can't think of any other things that I can say that are positive.   What about you musiclover83?  Don't worry or feel guilty about blocking that girl.  You had to do it for your mental health.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say the daydreams I have about him are positive in that they give me a brief escape from my life and I need that. Then again, the loneliness does seem to get worse once the daydream (or regular dream, as the case may be) ends. I know the daydreams probably aren't really good for me, but I enjoy them while they're happening. The problem now is I haven't been able to think about him today without thinking about her too and that annoys me. Although, as much as it would hurt, there's still a part of me that wishes he would just go public with a girlfriend. It's only a matter of time before it happens and that part of me almost wants to get that pain started. Though I feel like this one will hurt more than others have. But then sometimes I think not knowing is worse than knowing. I get so confused by my feelings about all this.

I was thinking about places I could try volunteering at because several of my problems stem from never doing anything. That's why the agoraphobia is acting up again. I never do anything and I don't have any friends. Not that I can hang out with. The few friends I do have don't live anywhere close. I was thinking that volunteering would be good for me since it would get me out of the house and doing something to help others. I think that would make me feel better about myself. And it might be a good way to meet people too. Of course, my anxiety being what it is makes me feel panicky at the thought of actually trying something like that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Something funny happened a couple of weeks ago that made me think of this thread. I was at the seaside and I saw one of my former CO's teammates/friends there with his kids. They were walking past me and the people I was with, going in the opposite direction, and I was kind of staring at him to make sure it was actually him, and accidentally made eye contact! 😆 He gave me a brief nod and smile as if to say "yes, it's me", lol!

It's funny, because I used to always fantasise about somehow bumping into my former CO in public and getting to know him that way. Weird that I should see another celebrity in those sorts of circumstances, and one who he's close to as well!

The good news is that I'm still CO free. And I'm doing well with moving on from the horrendous break-up I was going through when I last posted here. It didn't take long afterwards for me to realise that my ex was wrong for me, and to stop wanting to get back together with him (more on one of the reasons for that in a minute), but the damage he caused to my confidence and self-esteem has been harder to heal (he always acted like I wasn't good enough to have a serious relationship with him, constantly mentioned how much he "loved" his ex, and eventually dumped me for someone else, among other things). However, I recently got a notebook and ranted about the whole thing in there until I felt like I'd got it all out (15 pages 😨). That really has helped.

The other really good news is that I've been seeing someone new for the last couple of months. It wasn't my intention to start a new relationship while I was still hurting over the last one, but it just happened that way. My new boyfriend is really kind and caring, and he was very understanding about the situation. He's a wonderful boyfriend and always makes me feel cared for and appreciated.

The downside is that my relationship with him is now a very long-distance one, which obviously isn't ideal. But I'm hoping it works out.

Having been dating again for the last year, I can definitely understand why I found having a CO to be an easier "option" for such a long time! But overall, I don't regret the choices I've made, and (fingers crossed) I don't see myself going back to having an obsession.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Musiclover83,

I think volunteering is a great idea.  It has helped me a lot I know.  I have some social anxiety and other issues but not agoraphobia.  Right now I'm trying to get a new therapist and a doctor so I can have everything in place first before I make any decisions about where to volunteer.  I just moved.  Good luck to you!

starbucksjunkee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...