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@nosleep,

Seriously, it really is paranoid to feel like you have to hide behind a VPN to view his podcasts. The podcasts are public and they are there for anyone to listen to. I'm sure he would be happy to have another listener. I don't think you have to hide. Also, why not join the Patreon group instead of feeling like a stalker/intruder? You did nothing wrong, so why not be a part of it, if you want to?

Edited by BlueStarr

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Imagine that your CO was the only person who asked you how your weekend was. Imagine that lately you’ve been communicating with your CO over social media more than you actually talk to people who you know in real life. That’s kind of what I’m going through right now and it’s weird! I know that this is going to end someday just like all things come to an end, so I can’t get too comfortable with things. Not that I meant for this to be a sad post. I’m basically just posting a reality check to myself that my CO is not my friend. I did make an attempt to be sociable a few days ago and I met someone new for drinks, but as usual it didn’t work out. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy talking with this person somewhat, but he’s already proven himself to be someone who isn’t worth my time. I think I only keep trying to date because I know some people say that being with a real person is better than having a CO, but I just can’t see how it is. I personally get nothing out of dating. NOTHING. At least my CO puts a smile on my face. These other guys don’t.

Ok, that’s my crazy rant of the day! 😄

Edited by HopelessRomantic2011

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Hopeless,

I can totally relate to your post.  I had those feelings about Josh too.  I am so glad that he doesn't have chat forums for fans to talk to him.  It would be so hard to resist.  Before I got hospitalized last May, I was convinced that he was the guy for me.  He had saved my life in 1999.  (never happened...never knew him then....long story...but I had very vivid dreams when I was psychotic in 2016 and 2017).  If I hadn't been hospitalized in 2017 and he hadn't been part of my illness in 2014 too then I might still be convinced that he was the guy for me the love of my life.  But now I know that my feelings for him are not healthy so I don't post to here as often as I did. 

But I miss watching him and the song I erased...I really hope I never hear it on the radio.  I might cry.  I still google him but don't look at videos or twitter.  It has been so hard because he has an email associated with his mailing list and I could easily find it again and send him a letter.  But if I told him everything that happened he would be really freaked out.  And who knows how he would respond.   Besides, he probably has paid someone to read his emails and rarely responds to any fan mail.  When I was sick, I really wanted to sue the show creators for emotional distress and I wanted all of the cast members to give money to charitable organizations that help people with severe mental illness/es.  But of course I can't do that.  When I was sick I posted on twitter my initials plus his initials equals forever  Jeremiah 29:11.  I had it up there for a few hours but then I found out I could delete it so I deleted it.  Don't know if he ever saw it.  Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite Bible verse.

Thank you for sharing.

 

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1 hour ago, BlueStarr said:

@nosleep,

Seriously, it really is paranoid to feel like you have to hide behind a VPN to view his podcasts. The podcasts are public and they are there for anyone to listen to. I'm sure he would be happy to have another listener. I don't think you have to hide. Also, why not join the Patreon group instead of feeling like a stalker/intruder? You did nothing wrong, so why not be a part of it, if you want to?

It's not just that I listen to them, it's that I listen multiple times, and I think, if the roles were reversed, I'd feel that it crosses the line into crazy territory. It just makes me feel...safer? Like, as long as he doesn't know I'm there, he can't be horrified by me.  The same goes for the Patreon group. People all seem to talk like they've known each other for years. I don't see how I could ever fit in, and I've never been the kind of person who wedges myself into a conversation. I feel like if I try, I'll stick out like a sore thumb, and I just don't want to be noticed like that. Especially not by him. I know it's silly and illogical and all in my head, but it's how I feel. 

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@nosleep,

I can understand why you might feel that way. I kind of feel that way too sometimes. I could post on my CO's fan page, but like you, I am afraid I will stick out in a bad way. Not doing it alt all gives me much less anxiety. I thought you were depriving yourself of something out of guilt, but now that you explained it better, I can understand your reasons.

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10 hours ago, nosleep said:

It's not just that I listen to them, it's that I listen multiple times, and I think, if the roles were reversed, I'd feel that it crosses the line into crazy territory. It just makes me feel...safer? Like, as long as he doesn't know I'm there, he can't be horrified by me.  The same goes for the Patreon group. People all seem to talk like they've known each other for years. I don't see how I could ever fit in, and I've never been the kind of person who wedges myself into a conversation. I feel like if I try, I'll stick out like a sore thumb, and I just don't want to be noticed like that. Especially not by him. I know it's silly and illogical and all in my head, but it's how I feel. 

I'm that way too in real life, but I'm not quite as shy online. Maybe the Patreon group could use some new energy. Things get boring when it's just the same people all of the time. It's fine if you really don't want to be a part of it, but I don't think you should exclude yourself just because you're assuming you wouldn't fit in or be accepted.

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I can relate to  what you're saying no sleep.  I have struggled for years to try to fit in and feel accepted.  I have aspergers and I didn't know that until I was 28.  Wish I would have known in junior high and high school because I had very few friends and it was a hard road.  As an adult, I have found one or two groups in my life that I could relate to but they didn't become lifelong friends.  I sometimes feel like I impose myself on the friends I do have when I am mentally ill.  I am very blessed because I have some people that get it and a family that tries really hard.  I don't know if you have a diagnosis like me but if you live with bipolar or depression like me, DBSA is the best resource I know.  (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance).  I was originally diagnosed in 2002 and I have been hospitalized more than once.  DBSA support groups helped me to stop denying my bipolar.  But I struggle every day with low self esteem, anxiety, and insecurity.  My mom said that before I decide to get into another relationship with a man, I should make sure I am comfortable in my own skin.  I guess she means I need to learn to love myself more and accept my differences.   This is not easy for anyone but especially for people like me.  You can send me a private message on here if you need extra support.  Please don't be mad at me for telling you my story but you just sound really depressed.  I wish I could be of more help but I'm not in the best place right now either.  I loved Toastmasters.  It was part of my life for almost nine years and that's the only other place besides dbsa that I ever really felt like I belonged but noone knew about my bipolar and other mh issues until the last three years I was in the club.  I've always wanted to join another club but I know I was just lucky with the last one that the people were so understanding.   One of the members wife had Bipolar.

Take good care of yourself and I hope things look up soon.  If the Panteon group doesn't feel right, don't do it.  You gotta trust your instincts.  If you second guess it and analyze it it probably means you shouldn't do it.  That's my two cents.

starbucksjunkee

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7 hours ago, starbucksjunkee said:

I can relate to  what you're saying no sleep.  I have struggled for years to try to fit in and feel accepted.  I have aspergers and I didn't know that until I was 28.  Wish I would have known in junior high and high school because I had very few friends and it was a hard road.  As an adult, I have found one or two groups in my life that I could relate to but they didn't become lifelong friends.  I sometimes feel like I impose myself on the friends I do have when I am mentally ill.  I am very blessed because I have some people that get it and a family that tries really hard.  I don't know if you have a diagnosis like me but if you live with bipolar or depression like me, DBSA is the best resource I know.  (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance).  I was originally diagnosed in 2002 and I have been hospitalized more than once.  DBSA support groups helped me to stop denying my bipolar.  But I struggle every day with low self esteem, anxiety, and insecurity.  My mom said that before I decide to get into another relationship with a man, I should make sure I am comfortable in my own skin.  I guess she means I need to learn to love myself more and accept my differences.   This is not easy for anyone but especially for people like me.  You can send me a private message on here if you need extra support.  Please don't be mad at me for telling you my story but you just sound really depressed.  I wish I could be of more help but I'm not in the best place right now either.  I loved Toastmasters.  It was part of my life for almost nine years and that's the only other place besides dbsa that I ever really felt like I belonged but noone knew about my bipolar and other mh issues until the last three years I was in the club.  I've always wanted to join another club but I know I was just lucky with the last one that the people were so understanding.   One of the members wife had Bipolar.

Take good care of yourself and I hope things look up soon.  If the Panteon group doesn't feel right, don't do it.  You gotta trust your instincts.  If you second guess it and analyze it it probably means you shouldn't do it.  That's my two cents.

starbucksjunkee

thanks for this. 

Yes, I have struggled with depression for many years. I'm married to a wonderful man who I love very much, but I don't really have anything else in my life right now. Not for years. I have no job and no friends. I sit alone with my dog all day long. I try to join things and make friends but it just never works. I moved to another country when I got married, and although I want to be with my husband, I have never fit in here and never managed to make a life for myself. It's been nearly 15 years and it's been wasted. I had a full life back home, all of my friends and family are there - even my son moved back when he was old enough. So I'm depressed, and lonely and just exhausted with the monotony of my life.  And I know it's a big reason why I latch onto these strange men who I'll never meet. I can imagine a different life with them, and it takes me away from what I actually have.  I don't latch onto the traditionally handsome, popular ones, either. I always fall for the broken ones with tragic pasts and body image issues. I probably subconsciously feel some kinship with them. Anyway. I'm in therapy again. This therapist seems different from the last, so I hope that maybe she can help me move forward in my life. 

If you don't mind me asking - why don't you go to Toastmasters anymore? If you find someplace that you fit in, it's so important to try to hold onto it, if you can. 

 

 

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On 5/20/2018 at 5:17 PM, BlueStarr said:

@starbucksjunkee,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. I've lost pets and I know it is painful. They are like a combination of one's children and best friends, (or at least that's how I feel anyway).

 

I absolutely feel the same, Blue Star, thank you for that. 

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@starbucksjunkee I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. I lost my golden very unexpectedly a few years ago and it's gotten better over time, but sometimes I miss her so much I can't stand it. I've pretty much had dogs all my life and they really do become like best friends. So sad when we lose them.

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I hate how I've been feeling lately. My CO plays on my favorite team in the NHL and they were kicked out in the second round of the playoffs. It might sound silly, but watching hockey helps my depression. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and the games give me something to look forward to. Maybe it's not so silly. I don't know. I never cared much for sports until I got interested in hockey about eight years ago, give or take.

I never expected a hockey player to become my CO. Or any athlete, for that matter. I've said it before, my COs are usually musicians. This one caught me by surprise. I was not prepared for how much more depressed I'd be once the season ended. I miss seeing him play. He was in a picture one of the other guys on the team posted a couple days ago and he would look good in it. They seem to be partying it up in Vegas right now and it got me thinking about how they have more free time in the offseason. Probably makes it easier to meet people. I'm dreading the day when I see a picture of him with another woman. I mean, I said in a previous post that he was very private and didn't share much. But that was also true for my last two COs and I still got blindsided by pictures of them with other women/girlfriends. I hate how jealous it makes me. I hate how depressed I've been and the loneliness is really getting to me lately. More so than usual.

I don't want to get out of bed most days, though I've been making myself get up and get dressed even if I have nowhere to be. Which is usually the case these days. But I feel a bit better when I make an effort to change out of my pajamas. It seems like such a small thing, all things considered. But it's something.

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Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I last posted here, but I've still been reading the thread and wishing the best for all of you.

Things aren't great for me at this moment in time, and this is the only place I feel comfortable turning to, just to write a few things down and hopefully feel a bit better afterwards.

The good news is that I'm still CO free, in fact even more so than when I last posted here. I spend a maximum of a few minutes each day looking at the latest info about the celebrity I used to write about here, mainly out of habit to be honest, but apart from that he rarely crosses my mind these days. I'm still a fan, but that's all.

However I did frighten myself a bit earlier this year (probably shortly after I last posted here). One night, I decided to watch a romantic film just to relax and de-stress, and ended up obsessed with both the film and the main male actor, rewatching scenes on YouTube multiple times, constantly listening to the soundtrack... and looking up info about the actor. On the one hand, it was a lot of fun. But on the other hand, I was really scared that I was going to end up with another long-term CO. Luckily, after two or three weeks, the obsession lost most of its intensity, and faded away altogether after another month (for reasons I'll go into later)... After the initial infatuation died down, I thought hard and I realised that I never actually wanted a relationship with the actor (he's quite a lot older than me and has kids), and all it was was just a fun crush and nothing to be worried about. Deep down, I was more into the character he played in that film, and most of all the central relationship between his character and the main female character. Looking back, my liking for that film seems like a sort of prediction of what would happen next in my life...

A few months ago, I met someone and fell totally in love with him almost immediately. I've never felt this way about anyone before. We were together for a while and it was amazing, for me at least. (In fact, there's quite a lot of similarities between us and the two main characters in that film and their relationship, lol.) The bad news is that he's broken my heart very badly. I'm hurting a lot right now. I won't go into details because it's not really relevant to the discussion here, but this has just highlighted all the reasons why I preferred to be alone and daydream about a celebrity for so many years. I felt like I'd done so well to move on from my CO of 7 years and get back into dating, and now it all seems like a mistake.

I hope that I won't ever go back to being obsessed with a celebrity. Right now I'm too hung up on this guy for that to even be a possibility. But if and when this wound heals, will I really want to put myself back out there? It seems unlikely. I don't think I'll ever find someone I love this much again, and even if I did, I can't face being hurt again. I'm worried that I'll fall back into a celebrity obsession because it feels so much more comfortable and less painful (although obviously heartbreak is still a risk, it's just less personal). I know that I can't let that happen, and I'll have to take a chance with someone else eventually. But it's just so hard...

That's basically everything I have to say, and as always, it's helped a bit to write it down. Hope you all have as good a weekend as is possible, and that things get easier for everyone here who's having a difficult time at the moment.

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5 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I last posted here, but I've still been reading the thread and wishing the best for all of you.

Things aren't great for me at this moment in time, and this is the only place I feel comfortable turning to, just to write a few things down and hopefully feel a bit better afterwards.

The good news is that I'm still CO free, in fact even more so than when I last posted here. I spend a maximum of a few minutes each day looking at the latest info about the celebrity I used to write about here, mainly out of habit to be honest, but apart from that he rarely crosses my mind these days. I'm still a fan, but that's all.

However I did frighten myself a bit earlier this year (probably shortly after I last posted here). One night, I decided to watch a romantic film just to relax and de-stress, and ended up obsessed with both the film and the main male actor, rewatching scenes on YouTube multiple times, constantly listening to the soundtrack... and looking up info about the actor. On the one hand, it was a lot of fun. But on the other hand, I was really scared that I was going to end up with another long-term CO. Luckily, after two or three weeks, the obsession lost most of its intensity, and faded away altogether after another month (for reasons I'll go into later)... After the initial infatuation died down, I thought hard and I realised that I never actually wanted a relationship with the actor (he's quite a lot older than me and has kids), and all it was was just a fun crush and nothing to be worried about. Deep down, I was more into the character he played in that film, and most of all the central relationship between his character and the main female character. Looking back, my liking for that film seems like a sort of prediction of what would happen next in my life...

A few months ago, I met someone and fell totally in love with him almost immediately. I've never felt this way about anyone before. We were together for a while and it was amazing, for me at least. (In fact, there's quite a lot of similarities between us and the two main characters in that film and their relationship, lol.) The bad news is that he's broken my heart very badly. I'm hurting a lot right now. I won't go into details because it's not really relevant to the discussion here, but this has just highlighted all the reasons why I preferred to be alone and daydream about a celebrity for so many years. I felt like I'd done so well to move on from my CO of 7 years and get back into dating, and now it all seems like a mistake.

I hope that I won't ever go back to being obsessed with a celebrity. Right now I'm too hung up on this guy for that to even be a possibility. But if and when this wound heals, will I really want to put myself back out there? It seems unlikely. I don't think I'll ever find someone I love this much again, and even if I did, I can't face being hurt again. I'm worried that I'll fall back into a celebrity obsession because it feels so much more comfortable and less painful (although obviously heartbreak is still a risk, it's just less personal). I know that I can't let that happen, and I'll have to take a chance with someone else eventually. But it's just so hard...

That's basically everything I have to say, and as always, it's helped a bit to write it down. Hope you all have as good a weekend as is possible, and that things get easier for everyone here who's having a difficult time at the moment.

Hi @OpalP25, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time right now. I’ve never had my heartbroken since I’ve never been in love, but I’m sure it’s devastating. I think you just have to give yourself time to work through your feelings and just take things day by day. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be ready to move on, but I do hope that someday you will be ready to open your heart to someone again. Yes, it’s risky and scary but sometimes it’s worth it. 

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Thank you for your message @HopelessRomantic2011:hugs:

What you've said is completely right. Things are really hard right now, but I'm starting to recognise that this guy I love has treated me quite badly at times. He's a good person, really, but he seems pretty terrible at handling anything to do with romantic relationships. I want to believe I'm worth more than this.

I saw that you've been in regular contact with your CO over social media. That must be so surreal! But I'm sorry to hear about him having a girlfriend. That really sucks. :(

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28 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

Thank you for your message @HopelessRomantic2011:hugs:

What you've said is completely right. Things are really hard right now, but I'm starting to recognise that this guy I love has treated me quite badly at times. He's a good person, really, but he seems pretty terrible at handling anything to do with romantic relationships. I want to believe I'm worth more than this.

I saw that you've been in regular contact with your CO over social media. That must be so surreal! But I'm sorry to hear about him having a girlfriend. That really sucks. 😞

Oh no, it’s fine. He’s been mostly private when it comes to his relationship, so that works for me. I don’t need to know about it! 🙂

But regarding what you said, you definitely don’t deserve to be treated badly no matter how much you love him. I’m sure you’ve probably tried to overlook and excuse his behavior lots of times because I’d be the same way with someone who I really cared about. Especially when it can be so hard to find someone who you really care about in the first place. But it’s good that you do realize that you’re worth more than that because you are! Hopefully he won’t continue to repeat this behavior in the future.

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Opal,

Heartbreak sucks.  I've been there too.  I have only had one healthy relationship my whole life if you don't count my first boyfriend when I was 15.  I broke his heart because he would have married me and I just didn't feel the same.  He was 19.  I'm surprised now looking back that my parents let me date a much older guy.  He and I broke up and about 10 or so  years later he found me on facebook.  We tried to be friends but I decided I wanted to keep him in my past.  I was too afraid that he'd want to start things up again.  He said he did not but he broke up with this girl just a few months after we were talking again.  I never want to get on facebook again because I've had too many bad experiences on there. 

When I was 24, I fell in love with someone 14 years older than me.  I would have married him but it never would have worked.  I learned he was married a few years later and the last time I saw him was at a wedding with his pregnant bride.  He never spoke to me...not once!   (Very mature, huh? ;)) I didn't want kids the natural way because I didn't want to give up my meds for 9 months and we were opposites politically.   I think that's why we broke up.  He just stopped calling me and emailing me never told me why.   It hurt worse than anything for four years.  My feelings for Josh hurt me more for longer period of time (my CO).  But when I got my dog she became the love of my life.  And now I am 37 and I really don't think I ever want to get married.  I have so many fears of being abused emotionally or physically and I like my freedom.  It's hard for me to trust men and some make me extremely anxious.  I have some good friends that are men but they're like big brother types.  I was walking on the trail one day and I heard a guy screaming and cussing complaining about some dumb bleepty bleep girl dog (I don't know if this place is censored but you know what I mean.) and it scared me to death.  I just want a companion...someone to travel with, someone I can trust who I can talk to, someone who sees past my disabilities and loves me for me.  I don't know if I'll ever have that but I've settled before and got very damaged emotionally as a result.  Have you ever thought about getting a pet dog or cat to take care of?  They give you unconditional love.

Starbucksjunkee

 

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@HopelessRomantic2011 Yeah, I've definitely tried to overlook and excuse his behaviour several times! He always has an explanation for everything and I've always been understanding, because he has some issues and a difficult past. But now it's become very obvious that he thinks he can just walk all over me, and I'm angry with myself for letting things get to this point. Although I don't think he's intentionally trying to treat me badly, I have to stand up for myself now. We're going to have a talk soon (when he finds the time for me 🙄) and I'm going to make it clear to him that I'm done with the constant mind-changing and excuses.

And I'm glad to hear that you're okay with the situation with your CO! :) 

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Thank you for your message @starbucksjunkee:hugs:I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a hard time with relationships too. I guess it's a common problem!

It's interesting that you got your heart broken by older guys, one of whom sounds rather immature. The one who broke my heart is several years older than me, and he's definitely immature for his age in a few ways. Maybe these men look for younger women, because they want someone who seems mentally and emotionally on their level? Just a thought.

I'm so sad for you that your dog passed away, and I completely relate to you thinking of her as the love of your life. I had a cat since early childhood who passed away a couple of years ago, and she was like a soulmate to me. We loved each other so much, and it was so simple and uncomplicated. Not like romantic love or family relationships! Sadly, I can't get another pet for the foreseeable future, which depresses me when I think about it. When I'm at home, sometimes I see my "part-time cat" who I adore. And there's also a lovely cat at my university. However, I'm living abroad at the moment so I can't see them. The guy I love has a cute cat, but I hardly go round to his house anymore. 😞 I just really want another kitty soulmate! (And a romantic soulmate wouldn't be bad either, lol).

Will you be able to get another doggy soulmate? It sounds like it would help you a lot.

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I don't think I'll ever have another dog quite like her but I will love again.  My mom always says that when you grieve someone you love and you find someone new you replace the sadness with joy.  Actually the first guy I broke his heart, not the other way around.  I've met too many losers since and they were younger.  I think that an older guy is better for me but I don't know since my experience is so limited.  I was really happy with the one that broke my heart who was 14 years older for three months.  I felt safe with him and I liked talking to him and I trusted him and he respected me and my parents.  He had a college degree.  Those are the qualities that are the bare minimum.  If a guy doesn't meet them I will kick him to the curb.  Some women like bad guys and I liked two bad guys but I am never putting myself through that again.  They weren't bad to me but they had so many issues and a lot of anger.  But I don't really like talking about it anymore.  I just try to keep track of it so I don't make the same mistake again.  I met a guy online who I really liked for a while but then he said terrible things and he kept trying to get me to talk to him again...I made the mistake of giving him my real name.  I really think he had mental issues because he was really awful.  He said I sounded like a prisoner waiting for my sentence to finish when I told him I wanted to get a good job and move out before dating again.  He is the reason I left facebook.  I ended up getting two of the best jobs I’ve ever had in the two years after I eliminated him from my life.  I was really blessed because the moment I dropped him all kinds of doors opened and all kinds of good stuff happened after I got my dog too.  I am trying to focus on the present and right now the present is stressful because my parents and I are moving and I am waiting for some money that I really need to help my parents pay living expenses.  I just have to try to distract myself and keep busy because I just read it could take 4-12 weeks to get the money.  Sigh...

I don't think I'll ever have another dog quite like her but I will love again.  My mom always says that when you grieve someone you love and you find someone new you replace the sadness with joy.  Actually the first guy I broke his heart, not the other way around.  I've met too many losers since and they were younger.  I think that an older guy is better for me but I don't know since my experience is so limited.  I was really happy with the one that broke my heart who was 14 years older for three months.  I felt safe with him and I liked talking to him and I trusted him and he respected me and my parents.  He had a college degree.  Those are the qualities that are the bare minimum.  If a guy doesn't meet them I will kick him to the curb.  Some women like bad guys and I liked two bad guys but I am never putting myself through that again.  They weren't bad to me but they had so many issues and a lot of anger.  But I don't really like talking about it anymore.  I just try to keep track of it so I don't make the same mistake again.  I met a guy online who I really liked for a while but then he said terrible things and he kept trying to get me to talk to him again...I made the mistake of giving him my real name.  I really think he had mental issues because he was really awful.  He said I sounded like a prisoner waiting for my sentence to finish when I told him I wanted to get a good job and move out before dating again.  He is the reason I left facebook.  I ended up getting the best job I’ve ever had two years later.  I was really blessed because the moment I dropped him all kinds of doors opened and all kinds of good stuff happened after I got my dog too.  I am trying to focus on the present and right now the present is stressful because my parents and I are moving and I am waiting for some money that I really need to help my parents pay living expenses.  I just have to try to distract myself and keep busy and pray a lot because I just read it could take 4-12 weeks to get the money.  Sigh...

 

 

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@starbucksjunkee Ah sorry, I misread! I see now that it was only the second guy who broke your heart. I agree with you that younger guys can definitely be immature in relationships too (my last boyfriend was a couple of years younger than me, and the type who thought it was fine and normal not to reply to my "Happy Christmas" message until the 30th December, and then afterwards tell me how much he wanted me to come and live with him 😆). So when I found out the age of this guy I'm currently dealing with, I thought "Finally, someone mature who's willing to make an effort for me." However, I was kind of surprised, because I had had the impression he was around my age. And now I can see why I thought that - the way he acts and the stage of life he's currently at are much more like someone of my age group than of his age group. He still has a lot of growing up to do...

My self esteem now is about as low as it was when I was in the worst phases of my celebrity obsession. At the heart of the problem is this feeling I have of being unlovable (probably a lot of people here can relate to that). I've had relationships (well, more or less) with three guys now, and I don't believe any of them have truly cared about me. I don't think anyone's ever been in love with me, not that I know of at least. What makes me feel worse is that I have several female friends/acquaintances who are able to find a new guy every year or two who's totally in love and committed to them. I don't want to be a serial monogamist like them! But I really believed this time was different and he was the one for me, and now I feel so so stupid...

I'm sorry that you're having such a stressful time right now. I hope you will find a new dog to love in the future, although of course it won't be the same. Your mom is right that finding someone new brings you joy, but I'm not sure the sadness of losing a loved one ever goes away. My "part-time" cat is so adorable and fun, but sometimes he disappears for months on end, and then I miss my old cat and her devotion to me even more. I love him to bits, but he's so unreliable! Reminds me of someone else in my life, lol. 😆

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Hey all, so this is my first time on here and posting but its honestly nice to see that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do, I thought I was honestly going crazy my one Co has literally taken over my life for the past year and I've really not known how to deal or process why I've been feeling the way I do, my Co is a Actor and a musician he's been on my mind ever since i first set eyes on him, I'm lucky in the sense that I've met him but I'm not so sure that, that has actually helped matters or made them worse really he also has a gf but that really hasn't fazed me or turned my attraction off in the slightest I guess I just feel much more envious of her more than anything, but the thought that I'll never be good enough or apart of his life has been pretty much ripping me to shreds emotionally, I have tried explaining this to some professionals but sometimes trying to get the words out and trying to make sense of how I'm feeling and why can be difficult enough to process for myself let alone explaining it to others, has anyone else here felt a real suffocating feeling as though your drowning as though your being sunk underwater (not like a panic attack kinda way though) from the upset and turmoil of unhappiness that you can be left feeling from craving and obsessing over someone you long for whom becomes somewhat unreachable? I apologise if that's a stupid or insensitive question, I have tried to make peace with my Co being what it is and just that, but unfortunately no matter what I do I can't shake him off of my mind, even when I don't think of him and try and shut him out to lessen any further emotional damages, my brain always has and holds the Ace card to pull me straight back in with vivid lifelike dreams I think what makes it worse is in my dreams where everything is what I hoped things to be and more I actually feel everything too, the only way I can describe this is very bittersweet, I'm sorry if this message is a little shambled I'm just pretty fried right now from all this, I hope everyone is ok and this message is somewhat relatable? 

Edited by TheeForgotten93

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26 minutes ago, TheeForgotten93 said:

has anyone else here felt a real suffocating feeling as though your drowning as though your being sunk underwater (not like a panic attack kinda way though) from the upset and turmoil of unhappiness that you can be left feeling from craving and obsessing over someone you long for whom becomes somewhat unreachable? 

Welcome! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but talking about it with other people who understand does help. This struck a chord with me. Suffocating is a good word for that feeling. I've been feeling that way lately too and it's a terrible way to feel. Especially when I try to keep myself distracted, but keep getting pulled back in the way you described. This stuff is so exhausting sometimes.

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