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@kyandi,

I don't know you, so of course I can't judge your sanity, but you don't sound  so crazy to me. For one thing, crazy people never question their sanity, so the fact that you wonder if you're crazy means you have enough self introspection to check yourself.

I feel really strongly about my CO too. I do like what he does, so I am a fan, but at the same time, I feel like I have a strong personal connection with him. I don't know if it's true. I don't think it's so unusual to feel like one has a personal connection with a CO, (whether it's really true or not).

(Also, a CO can still be a CO whether you are a fan of what they do or not. If you love the person a lot, they can still be a CO.)

Edited by BlueStarr

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@BlueStarr

Thank you so much for your reply! I truly appreciate it!

I read a lot in the old closed CO Thread and it comforts me to know that I'm not alone with this problem. I wonder what has become of all the others who wrote in the closed Thread.

My feelings vary very much from time to time. I love my CO really much but there is this hopeless feeling inside me to know that I will never be with him. It's a terrible feeling but I can't stop at the moment. I can't give my CO up because he means a lot to me. Even if I don't look at him anymore he is still in my thoughts and my heart 😕.

It's interesting that you also feel a strong personal connection to your CO.  

 

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On 10/30/2018 at 3:44 AM, kyandi said:

Even if I don't look at him anymore he is still in my thoughts and my heart 😕.

I'm the same way. Even if I don't look at him much at all, I always think about my CO too.

 

On 10/30/2018 at 3:44 AM, kyandi said:

It's interesting that you also feel a strong personal connection to your CO.  

I guess I should say that I feel what one could call a "soul" connection or "spiritual" connection with my CO. It feels personal, although I realize that it's just a feeling. (I have met him, but I can't say I *know* him. Also, I don't know if he feels a connection with me, although I suspect he might, judging by the strange way he acts with me sometimes.) In fact, I don't really know much about his personal life at all. In a way, I prefer not to know too much. I wouldn't want to be hearing about his love life all the time, for example. I think that would drive me crazy.

Edited by BlueStarr

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HopelessRomantic2011

I guess you're right.  I shouldn't hate Josh.  That is just as unhealthy as being obsessed with him. Yesterday I watched a video talking about the last episode of How I Met Your Mother.  It had a few clips of him with Cristin Milioti.  First time I've watched him in a video since Lent when I accidentally saw him on t.v.  I have wanted so badly to listen to Hello Beloved and Wait songs.  I wonder if the Wait song just copied from the poem it inspired.  He performs it by himself and he plays guitar.  I still am unable to search for him on my computer, even on you tube things are blocked.  I wish my brother had blocked him from every web browser on every device.  Sometimes I just wish that he had the music career and had never been on television and done lots of social media because then I could just appreciate the music and wouldn't know anything about the real him.  In another life, if he were a rabbi and I met him then it would be perfect if he was okay being married to a Christian woman who respects the Jewish faith and is very fascinated by it.  But he is very allergic to dogs and I can't imagine my life without dogs so I guess there are good things that keep us apart.  I really miss when I just admired him and he didn't trigger me.  I miss being able to watch him on television interviews and being happy to see him now I have to avoid him all the time and it's so hard.  I wish I could get someone to listen to the songs and write down their lyrics.   But that might make me just want to listen to them even more.  Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think thirty pounds ago I was very attractive and had a nice figure he might have even thought I was beautiful but now who's going to be attracted to me?   I know I'm a valuable person and I'm smart and I am compassionate and kind and generous but I'm not sure about my looks at all.  I don't know if I should tell any guy what happened with Josh because it might scare him away.  I remember one guy I dated was a really bad guy but even he said he couldn't break up with me when I told him about my bipolar and other mental illnesses.  I broke up with him and a couple years later he got arrested in a sting operation.  That scared me so bad when I found out about it.  I couldn't believe he did that because even though I knew he was the wrong guy and had gotten into trouble and done other things before he was always kind to me.  I am volunteering now at a school once a week and at my church once or twice a week but I am having trouble finding a therapist and noone at my gym is friendly.  There's a guy I'd love to talk to because he helped me once but I'm too shy.  I love my church but I don't have any friends yet...just a couple potentials.   Sometimes I wonder who my true friends really are.  One of my friends has been bothering me a lot and I didn't respond to her texts and she freaked out.  I wish that she would just give me some space and leave me alone sometimes.  I wonder if others think that way about me.  I don't want to give her up but I need some space and I tell her that a lot but then two days pass and she's texting again.   I made anonymous accounts on twitter and facebook to promote my book but my brother said it was a bad idea so I got rid of them.  I signed up for one more year in this service club I was involved in but since I moved here it's like most of the people are non communicado and it's frustrating.  Once I leave probably none of them will be friends with me anymore.  I am sorry guys but I really needed to vent.  Thanks for putting up with my ramblings.

 

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Hey, I'm going to start a new discussion on here called Hypersensitivity and Blow Ups: Any ideas on how to prevent them?
I am just letting you guys know because I need all the support I can get right now.  It's under Therapy.

Thanks in advance and Happy Thanksgiving if I forget to say it later.

Starbucksjunkee

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Oh thank the lord I found this! I had a mental breakdown a few hours ago and I did a quick google search and found this so sorry in advance that I don’t really know anything about this site... or discussions. I don’t really know if people are still on here but I really hope so!

Okay. So I’ve read through what other people have posted on here and I would just like to say that I am so happy that people are actually talking about this sort of thing. For the last 5 or 7 years (I don’t remember now!), I’ve always been too scared to see if there were group-like discussions about this and I’ve always been too scared to start one because people might try to make fun of me. So I’d just like to say hi! I’ve been going crazy over a british actor for like 5-7 years!! And my life since then has not been the greatest. See, throughout all of my middle school years I was like in love with this dude and thought that he couldn’t hurt a soul and was just perfect in every way. But during my 8th grade year, I found out some horrible things about him and my love-like obsession quickly turned to me being obsessed with hating him. Around my 10th grade year, I realized that just because I hated him didn’t mean I thought about him any less than I did before (because I really didn’t) so I tried doing what I noticed many people on here mentioned: trying to cut them out from your life. But that in itself presented a whole new problem for me.

It’s so strange and I have no idea how to handle it. Last New Years marked I believe an entire year since I had seen his face or anything much about him. I’m at my sisters house and she decides to turn on said TV show. I was too scared to object because I didn’t want to say why, so I let her. I thought “well it’s been a year! Surely I’m over him by now!” And I didn’t even see him. I heard his voice and I had the longest panic attack I have ever had in my life. I’ve had quite a few during the years too and this one still scares me to think about. So after that spill, I noticed something: Even during the time I kept cut off from him- I was still thinking about him 8 days a week. So why hearing his voice tripped me up? I have no idea, frankly. After that, I’ve been doing exposure therapy to see if I can curve the panic attacks (three other incidents have happened since then. Two at Barnes and Nobles funnily enough but I love that store too much!) but the only problem with the exposure therapy is that I’m starting the cycle all over again with liking him! Even though i remember good and well what he did, it seems I’m right back at square one! But I’m afraid if I don’t look at him over a period of time I’ll get panic attacks again! I know this is a lot but I seriously need help because I’ve never been able to talk about this before and I just don’t know what to do. If anyone on here has any advice please please please let me know!! 

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Hi Varga,

Welcome to the forum!

It sounds like you're in the process of "getting over the ex" even though in this case, your "ex" is your CO. It sounds like you never really got over him, but you repressed it consciously, since you were ashamed of being in love with a jerk, right?

My advice is to just acknowledge that you wouldn't have "hated" him so much if you didn't still have feelings for him. It doesn't make you stupid just because of having this very human reaction. (People often feel that way about their exes too, lol!) Also, if you don't want to become re-obsessed with him, it might be a good idea not to watch him a lot, just the same as seeing an ex again too soon will bring up old feelings. Your feelings might become more manageable if you just accept them for what they are and not try to fight them or beat yourself up over it. Focus on new people and new things, and these feelings will probably fade over time. But a year isn't that long to get over an "ex" who has been a part of your life for seven years. Give yourself some more time.

I hope this helps. Feel free to post here if you need to talk. We're all more or less in the same boat with COs.

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@Varga,

Could another option be forgiveness? Would it help if you tried to allow yourself to love him and forgive him in spite of his flaws? Of course, it depends on how bad his behavior was. Is it something forgivable? Is it a mistake any silly guy could make?

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@BlueStarr

sorry it took so long for me to type back. After I read what you sent I took a few days thinking about it. Ngl, that kind of hit me like a hammer and thank you for that. You’re absolutely right- that was exactly what i was doing. And now I feel ridiculous for that but hey: it is what it is. I think my problem was (putting this in past tense because I’m hopeful) that I really didn’t understand how I got there in the first place. And after you sent that back I got to thinking about it. Long story short, my parents were going through a divorce when I first saw him and I was quite young(er) when all of this happened so I think I ended up obsessing over him because he’s quite a happy fellow? And for a few years there, no one else around me was. I got to thinking about it a little further and when you mentioned forgiveness and all of that stuff- the things he did really weren’t all t h a t b a d. You’re right, he just did stuff literally every guy on the planet does. But in all honesty, I think i did a trick on myself! I started looking back and around the time I started getting mad at him for the dumbest things ever was around the same time he wasn’t as happy as he usually was. Idk if I’m making sense rn but i think I subconsciously got angry at him for not being happy. Which is strange in hindsight 20/20- but I think that’s exactly what happened. And for the past few years, my “getting over the ex” is just me realizing that he- like every other human being- has other emotions besides being happy and makes mistakes. And it was just me not wanting to confront that fact because for a while there I was convinced he was invincible. 

I think that now since I know what happened in me psychologically for all of this to have taken place, I’ll be able to progress and hopefully fix myself. I know I prolly should have given myself longer than a year because these things do take time but in all reality, these past few weeks have been more progress than I think I’ve ever made before. Still hard, though, still crying 24/7. Fortunately, my mother noticed me acting different and I am now on medication and gonna start seeing a counselor soon! (a lot has happened since I last wrote if you couldn’t tell lol)

so yeah. I think I got this. It’ll take time but I think I’m getting somewhere. Of course, only time will tell but i think with this knowledge in mind I can handle the whole situation better. I know that was prolly a lot to take in- like I said, past month has been ROUGH- but thank you. I don’t really know how to describe how much you’ve helped me out.

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@BlueStarr

oh yeah i forgot to mention: I am going to not see anything about him for a while just in case because I am still constantly dreaming about him. It is prolly for the best I don’t see him. But should the occasion rise where I unexpectedly see him on a poster or something- i think I’ll handle it better

again, tysm. If anybody on this discussion ever wants to talk, I’m free.

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@Varga,

If it helps, I get pretty mad at my CO too, lol! While I can't say I am mad at him specifically because he's unhappy, I can say that he can be a grump when he's unhappy, so that kind of grumpy behavior really makes me mad at him. I have to keep reminding myself that he wouldn't be a grump if he was truly happy, so he is probably miserable. Instead of being mad I should be sorry for him. That's hard to do sometimes because when he's grumpy he is really unpleasant. Right now I am mad at him for reminding me of the Grinch, lol! 😄

I'm glad if anything I said really helped you. Feel free to write more too if you need to talk. We don't judge here, so you can be as weird as you want to be, lol! 😄 As long as you don't sound dangerous, (which you don't, but there have been a few who came on here and scared everybody, lol), you can say pretty much anything and it's okay. 🙂

Edited by BlueStarr

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Hi everyone!

How is it going?

I'm feeling very down today. I coul not leave it and looked again to much at social media. My CO is very activ on social media and I can't resist for to long. But I know it is not good for me when I know what he is doing right now. It pulls me down. Also he talks more often about his wife. It is not good for me when I see them together. I hate it.

I always think: if only I had been in the right place at the right time. I have that strong feeling inside of me that he would be mine then. I'm crazy, am I?

@BlueStarr

On 11/1/2018 at 9:47 AM, BlueStarr said:

 In fact, I don't really know much about his personal life at all. In a way, I prefer not to know too much. I wouldn't want to be hearing about his love life all the time, for example. I think that would drive me crazy.

Yeah, I can totally understand you. I know to many about his personal life and it drives me crazy sometimes. I can't sleep sometimes about the fact that she lives with him since all these years!! But most of time I replace the fact that he is married. Otherwise I would not stand it. I wished he would not show so much in public. 

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I don't know why I'm so flipping obsessed over celebrities' love lives and such.  I should be more focused on my own life.  Just when you think you've been the addiction, it just comes back and attacks you.  Celebrity addiction is apparently caused by depression.  And this depression has been kicking my butt all year.  I can't wait for the new year to start.  And then maybe this ridiculous celebrity addiction will finally end!

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2 minutes ago, nikki114 said:

I don't know why I'm so flipping obsessed over celebrities' love lives and such.  I should be more focused on my own life.  Just when you think you've been the addiction, it just comes back and attacks you.  Celebrity addiction is apparently caused by depression.  And this depression has been kicking my butt all year.  I can't wait for the new year to start.  And then maybe this ridiculous celebrity addiction will finally end!

It's the fantasy lives that celebrities live that make normal people fall in love

with their lives and want to be like them.  But, the truth of the matter is that their

lives are not no bed of roses and we actually have it better than they do.  Money

is not everything but freedom is my friend.

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7 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

It's the fantasy lives that celebrities live that make normal people fall in love

with their lives and want to be like them.  But, the truth of the matter is that their

lives are not no bed of roses and we actually have it better than they do.  Money

is not everything but freedom is my friend.

Speak for yourself. For your information, my CO doesn't have a luxurious "lifestyle" or flaunt his wealth around, nor am I "in-love" with the lifestyles of the rich and famous. I could care less about celebrities in general. Maybe you didn't mean to sound offensive and patronizing, like the articles from so-called "psychologists" about why people love celebrities. I'm not saying they are always wrong, and some people really are obsessed with those things, (wealth, fame, etc.) but to lump everyone in that same category is just wrong, imo.

For your info, in case you're interested, I would love my CO even if he was a poor car mechanic. You know nothing about me or why I might love someone. Have you ever been in love with someone (not a celebrity) who didn't return it? Or someone you just couldn't be with? That's more what it feels like to love a celebrity. To me, my situation is more like unrequited love, which could happen with anyone, not just a celebrity. It has nothing to do with being obsessed with "glamorous" lifestyles. Besides, some "celebrities" aren't even **that** famous in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe you're just trying to be helpful, but what really helps me is to talk to people who understand me and don't assume things.

Edited by BlueStarr

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37 minutes ago, BlueStarr said:

Speak for yourself. For your information, my CO doesn't have a luxurious "lifestyle" or flaunt his wealth around, nor am I "in-love" with the lifestyles of the rich and famous. I could care less about celebrities in general. Maybe you didn't mean to sound offensive and patronizing, like the articles from so-called "psychologists" about why people love celebrities. I'm not saying they are always wrong, and some people really are obsessed with those things, (wealth, fame, etc.) but to lump everyone in that same category is just wrong, imo.

For your info, in case you're interested, I would love my CO even if he was a poor car mechanic. You know nothing about me or why I might love someone. Have you ever been in love with someone (not a celebrity) who didn't return it? Or someone you just couldn't be with? That's more what it feels like to love a celebrity. To me, my situation is more like unrequited love, which could happen with anyone, not just a celebrity. It has nothing to do with being obsessed with "glamorous" lifestyles. Besides, some "celebrities" aren't even **that** famous in the grand scheme of things.

Maybe you're just trying to be helpful, but what really helps me is to talk to people who understand me and don't assume things.

I'm sorry to have offended you.  I was just talking in general because I know so many people who can not

seem to separate real life from that what celebrities portray to be so exciting and glamorous.  I see people

******* themselves in my profession just because they can not have a life style like that of celebrities.  And yes

it hurts me to my heart to see people giving upon life before they have even given themselves a chance at a life.

Unfortunately, I had to deal with a similar situation today of a seventeen year old who did something of that

sort.

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1 hour ago, Floor2017 said:

I'm sorry to have offended you.  I was just talking in general because I know so many people who can not

seem to separate real life from that what celebrities portray to be so exciting and glamorous. 

You don't know me, and I suspect you don't really know some of the other people that well either. You can't know what goes on inside someone else's head or heart, unless they tell you. Are you a therapist? If so, maybe it would be good if therapists would try to learn more about this subject with an open mind before making judgements about everybody who has a CO.

1 hour ago, Floor2017 said:

I see people

******* themselves in my profession just because they can not have a life style like that of celebrities.  And yes

it hurts me to my heart to see people giving upon life before they have even given themselves a chance at a life.

I couldn't give a F*** about celebrity "lifestyles" and the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Sure, it would be nice to be recognized for my work, and to have people appreciate me, etc. It might be nice to be famous because maybe I'd get a bit more respect from the world, but I am not obsessed with it. Also, fame has never been my reason for liking a particular celebrity.

As for giving up on life, some people never have an opportunity to live "full lives" or to have a chance to know what returned "love" really is. In my case for example, I can't live a "full" life because with my disabilities, no one would give me a chance anyway. Maybe it's hard for some normal people to understand what life is like for people who are perceived as weird and different. People like me are unable to easily form relationships with "normal" people and for people like me, love is really not that attainable with anyone, let alone a celebrity. Maybe it's time for therapists to understand that some people really don't have a chance at a so-called "full" life because they simply aren't able to function in the world like "normal" people.

As for other people here on this forum, there are people here who actually are married, have kids, and are otherwise living a so-called "full life" but they have COs anyway. So it's not just the lonely and disenfranchised that have COs. A lot of regular people with good jobs, kids, and families also have COs. Many people feel guilty about it because it's so stigmatizing to have a CO and everyone judges them, so they don't even talk about it. Maybe you even know people who have COs, but they never told you for fear of being judged. Just because the ones who happened to talk about it with you happened to be obsessed with the rich and famous, that doesn't mean there aren't people who have other reasons for feeling the way they do about a celebrity.

1 hour ago, Floor2017 said:

Unfortunately, I had to deal with a similar situation today of a seventeen year old who did something of that

sort.

I'm not a 17 year old. Please don't assume everyone here is the same as a teenager. (Maybe even some teens may have other reasons for loving a celebrity, so we shouldn't be so quick judge them either just because they are young.) Many of us here are mature adults. Not everyone has a "chance at life" at all. Some people are just never so lucky and it's not even an option for them. Other people have really lived a "full" life (spouse and kids, etc.) and a CO happens anyway. Please read the older section of this forum to see what kinds of people have COs. Maybe you'll learn something.

Edited by BlueStarr

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Once again I’m sorry if I offended you and I appreciate you for giving me some more formative information about COs.  I will take this information to heart the next time I post something regarding COs.

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58 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

Once again I’m sorry if I offended you and I appreciate you for giving me some more formative information about COs.  I will take this information to heart the next time I post something regarding COs.

Thanks for at least considering what I said and for wanting to use it for future reference. Also, in addition, perhaps you could take some time to read through the older posts. There have been a few weird people who have posted here from time to time, but weirdos are not the norm. Most of us here aren't crazy stalkers, or envious, fame-obsessed people. (Also, when the weirdos posted, you can see how the others reacted.)

Edited by BlueStarr

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For me I can say, I do not care about the celeb lifestyle. It has nothing to do with that. I do not even see a ‚celeb‘ when I see him. I know he is just a man, very down to earth and humble. Working hard to provide for his kids and...his wife of course. I also do not care how many cars he has. It‘s just not about lifestyle, it‘s about him. That knucklehead who fought hard to get where he is now. That loving father. That loyal friend. That animal lover. I could go on for hours of course...

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This is a long one sorry.  Well I am still obsessed with Josh R.  I was so happy because on you tube I told everyone that a celebrity had messed me up and I never wanted to feel anything romantic for a celebrity again.  Someone asked me who it was but I said I didn’t want the world to know because he is unpopular.   I did not fall for his acting or his roles.  I just fell for who he seems to be, what he has written about his values and beliefs and how he seems like a good kind man with similar background to me.   Someone on YouTube said have truer words ever been spoken?  That was the nicest thing anyone ever said to one of my comments on there and made me feel like I have got to stop punishing myself for liking him.

 I do really well for a couple of weeks and then search for him or HIMYM again.  The truth is, I pray they will never have a reunion movie.  I saw this broadway riff off with Neil Patrick Harris and James Corden (?) .  I loved it but it made me really sad after it was over.  The cast and the writers of HIMYM will never know how much the show messed me up in 2014 and 2016.  I wish I never saw that show but I guess even though psychological damage was done it’s better them than some real guy who emotionally or physically abused me.  I cannot watch the video of Josh singing Wait and playing his guitar because I will cry like a baby.  If only he had just had a music career and wrote his mailing list I never would have gotten so messed up.  Song is based on the poem by Gallway Kinnell.  Might be the same words.  If someone here could watch it for me and give me an objective opinion, I would really appreciate it.  He’s alone in a room in his house and he’s singing it for a friend that committed suicide.  He wants to try to prevent suicide just like me.  Swoon!

Josh did make me realize though that there was one guy in my past that did almost as much damage to me.  I held onto my feelings for him for way longer than I should have.  He was one of my best friends in school but now he’s barely in my life...I might never see him again.  I will have to send him a copy of my book and I really hope it doesn’t freak him out too much.  I took his number out of my phone but I do sometimes email him once or twice a year.   When I was sick, I had dreams that I had to choose between them or they were both treating me bad.  I get depressed sometimes thinking I will never find real love.  I have had two boyfriends but I haven’t been on a date since 2011.  I rejected two guys because I messed up so bad in 2009 and 2011 dating two horrible men just because I wanted to be with someone since the aforementioned friend rejected me and broke my heart.   I will never settle again.  Now that I have met my current BFF who is like a big brother he has taught me to really stick to what I really want and I deserve the best and to never compromise my principles or change who I am just to with someone.   Have you ever heard of the enneagram?  It’s a personality test.  I am a romantic according to that test and I am not surprised.  I like a lot of love songs...most aren’t very popular or were popular 10-20 years ago.  I don’t like Celine Dion except for Power Of Love.  My current favorite is At The Beginning from the cartoon movie Anastasia.  I haven’t bought it yet but I probably watch it on YouTube two or three times a week.  Richard Marx isn’t much to look at but I am a big fan.  

Hope everyone has a great holiday and the best new year...happy belated Hanukkah to my Jewish friends and happy Kwanza...and any holidays I have forgotten we’re starting a new chapter in our lives, my friends...we have a new clean slate to start on.  I am praying for all of you that might be alone right now or struggling.  My family has some drama right now but I am hoping we will put it behind us for the holidays.

Best Wishes,

starbucksjunkee

 

 

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Regarding reasons for having a CO, it's different for everyone and it happens to people from all walks of life. 

I wouldn't call my current favorite celebrity an obsession. There's a component from past favorites that just isn't there with him because he's 15 years younger than me (I'm 31) and I am more in awe of his talent and what a cool person he seems like as opposed to wishing I could be with him. I have had a handful of random COs in past years. I would have loved them regardless of their status because I love their art and personality traits. For me, I've always developed them in times of great loneliness and when I've felt as though everything was beyond my control. Mostly in my teen years, but there were a couple in my twenties. When everyone in your life takes advantage of you, abuses you or otherwise lets you down, it's so easy to latch onto these strangers who have brought happiness and enjoyment to your life. 

The difference in lifestyle is always so depressing to me. Not because I want fame and attention- I'm rather introverted- but because it must be so amazing to have such freedom and creative fulfillment. How wonderful it must be to chase your passion with nothing keeping you from doing so! Many celebrities seem so happy because of that. Lord knows I want to be that happy but it's elusive sometimes. 

I also think it must be so nice to be so loved. My young life was awful in many ways. It's nice to see my favorite celebrity living his life, making his dreams come true and enjoying all of these awesome friendships and having an amazingly supportive family. All of that was so opposite to my young life (and my adult life as well). I'm so happy for him but when I think about my own past and my own life it does make me sad at times. There are aspects of his life I would love to have but fame isn't one of them. It's sad to know that they're typically only friends with other famous people, though. 

I know nobody's life is perfect, however. I do worry about him. He's insanely busy but he's so young. I hope that he isn't burning himself out and I hope that he's in good health. I also hope that having so much attention doesn't mess him up. 

As for having a "full life"....that can look like different things to different people. A job, marriage and children aren't necessarily a guarantee of a full life. I have all three and I still feel lonely as hell and unfulfilled. My son is a smart, loving, hilarious, almost hauntingly beautiful child and I wouldn't change him for the world but my current job is unfilfilling and my marriage, though usually stable, is passionless and leaves much to be desired in several aspects. I'm still a work in progress and where I'm at right now isn't where I'll be forever but it does get a bit blue at times. Indulging in various forms of entertainment- numerous examples of which happen to be projects of this very talented guy- helps with that.

Edited by Myshka

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Hi guys, 

i haven’t posted anything in ages. So I hope it’s okay that I come out with a huge rant...

Thought I would be feeling ok enough to handle some of the CO stuff on my own, but I’ve been ignoring it for too long again. And now I find myself on the very bottom of my own dignity. I keep returning to this weird phase called; if I can’t be with my CO then am I even worth anything, should I even live? It’s bollocks, I know, but things just seem hopeless atm. I still have this dream of being with my CO and I’m so often so convinced that I will that I get super excited, then crash completely once I realise it’s never gonna happen. Everything I do is because of him. I even got into this screenplay development education in hopes of being able to produce something so that I one day could come in touch with him.  What’s even worse!!!! Is that I know this director, who had a Q&A session with my CO some time ago. And had I known, then I could have gone, and she could have introduced me to him. I am so unbelievably sad about this that I just don’t feel like I can exist anymore. So I’m turning to the forums again, hoping people who are stuck in the same situation as me can help a little. Hopefully. 

I hope you all have some great Holidays xoxo much love ! 

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On 12/24/2018 at 3:26 PM, Helpme26 said:

I hope you all have some great Holidays xoxo much love ! 

Dear HelpMe,
Thank you so much for your holiday greeting.  Ditto.
I am not in the exact same situation as you but I completely understand how you feel.  When we first started living on the west coast, I found out Josh Radnor was going to be performing with Ben Lee in a concert not too far away from where we were moving to.  I don’t drive at night and my parents both hate him now that he has become part of my psych issues.   They would never have let me go to a concert at night in a big city alone even though I am an adult.  I knew it would sell out in three days once enough people knew about it and I was right.  It hurt so badly it was kind of like finding out a friend was in town and they didn’t want to see me.  That was when I knew I had to stop looking at Josh videos but unfortunately I haven’t been able to stop completely looking at photos and articles.  My brother blocked access to his stuff on my Firefox on my computer and I have given up twitter but I still google him once in a while on other devices. 
 I loved one of his songs but I had to delete it because the last time I heard it I cried like a baby.  I said he wrote it for me but he did not.  I really hope that you get to enjoy learning about directing for other reasons besides just the chance but you never know you might really get to meet him someday.  I don’t want to meet Josh anymore but I still care about him and that will never change.  I hope you had a nice holiday too.  You’re not alone.

Starbucksjunkee

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