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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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15 hours ago, sober4life said:

Chemotherapy and radiation is them basically slowly chickening you hoping they **** the bad part.  I wouldn't do it either.  If it was me I probably wouldn't do anything other than make a bucket list and do it all.  I have no trust in health care though so don't let my paranoia influence you.

Yeah. I watched my grandfather die a horrible, slow, and agonizing death as a result of "treatment". It scarred me--I was 12 at the time and I still have nightmares about it to this day.

I would love to make my bucket list a reality. Who knows how much longer we have on this Earth, right?

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12 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Let's wait and see, JD. Thinking about you, my friend!

Thanks. Update: The tumor has grown slightly, but not so much that they want to do anything drastic. They are watching to make sure it doesn't invade the internal part of the kidney. So far, it hasn't. I'm lucky in that sense.

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@salparadise6132 Wow, a political broadcast! That would be great. I have to take my political "news" in small doses these days...it seems like everything is going to he!! so quickly. Anyway! Keep us posted about this endeavour!t

@sober4life Yes, this universe seems especially malevolent towards sweet innocent things. That includes millions of children who are starving and dying right now around the world. I'm one of those people who if I see a squirrel get hit by a car, I get seriously bummed out. Heck, I don't even **** spiders. I swatted this big ugly wasp on the wall of my apartment the other day. It kept moving after I nailed it hard. I felt a pang of regret...the wasp was just doing its wasp thing and happened to bumble its way into my apartment.

 

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

Thanks I appreciate....I guess after so many decades you get used to it and realize nothing will ever change..my only hope when I go to bed at night is that I don't wake up the next day to face the same painful reality over and over again...hopefully it will happen soon. I think life has put me through a lot.

I think life has put you through a lot too. I'm really sorry it continues to suck. Like @sober4life, I'd do anything to have you feel better.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Yeah. I watched my grandfather die a horrible, slow, and agonizing death as a result of "treatment". It scarred me--I was 12 at the time and I still have nightmares about it to this day.

I would love to make my bucket list a reality. Who knows how much longer we have on this Earth, right?

One of my friends went through treatment and he ended up chickening himself.  It didn't help him.  It destroyed what little was left of him and it took away his hope.  I've never made a bucket list but I'm going to start.  With the way my life has gone these good times could turn into another nightmare any time.

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I've been waking up at weird early morning hours more frequently recently. And then going back to sleep. But in these weird hours, I'm having incredibly banal dreams - like clocking into work, talking about utensils, etc. It's to the point where I'm not sure what's real and what's a dream. 

It's very unnerving and I'm afraid of it getting worse or more frequent.

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49 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

 

@sober4life Yes, this universe seems especially malevolent towards sweet innocent things. That includes millions of children who are starving and dying right now around the world. I'm one of those people who if I see a squirrel get hit by a car, I get seriously bummed out. Heck, I don't even **** spiders. I swatted this big ugly wasp on the wall of my apartment the other day. It kept moving after I nailed it hard. I felt a pang of regret...the wasp was just doing its wasp thing and happened to bumble its way into my apartment.

 

You are so much like me.  I can't even swat a fly without feeling guilty.  I have ants all over the house because it's summer and I'm a pig that doesn't clean the place up.  I can't even **** the ants!

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks. Update: The tumor has grown slightly, but not so much that they want to do anything drastic. They are watching to make sure it doesn't invade the internal part of the kidney. So far, it hasn't. I'm lucky in that sense.

I'm so worried about you!😥

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@salparadise6132 Wow, a political broadcast! That would be great. I have to take my political "news" in small doses these days...it seems like everything is going to he!! so quickly. Anyway! Keep us posted about this endeavour!t

@sober4life Yes, this universe seems especially malevolent towards sweet innocent things. That includes millions of children who are starving and dying right now around the world. I'm one of those people who if I see a squirrel get hit by a car, I get seriously bummed out. Heck, I don't even **** spiders. I swatted this big ugly wasp on the wall of my apartment the other day. It kept moving after I nailed it hard. I felt a pang of regret...the wasp was just doing its wasp thing and happened to bumble its way into my apartment.

 

I can relate to this. I went to go to the bathroom yesterday and flushed the toilet first, a spider got flushed from under the lip of the inside of the toilet where the water comes from. He was then floating in the water... so I got a spoon, fished him out and put the spoon outside. Today I checked on it and he had gone. He must have came to his senses after almost being drowned and finally recovered.

 

I am so glad I flushed first because I am scared of spiders and that ****er was hiding waiting for me 😂

Edited by Chris27_
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satisfied that i am finally making a good effort to be positive in my thoughts and actions, kind of bummed that i don't seem to notice any changes in my mental health at all, but i am committed to continue until something changes one way or another

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks. Update: The tumor has grown slightly, but not so much that they want to do anything drastic. They are watching to make sure it doesn't invade the internal part of the kidney. So far, it hasn't. I'm lucky in that sense.

scary thing i'm sure, had a cancerous tumor removed off the outside of one of my kidneys a little over a year ago, but i have 2 so you must be extra nervous, hope it does not grow any more

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4 hours ago, surfcaster said:

satisfied that i am finally making a good effort to be positive in my thoughts and actions, kind of bummed that i don't seem to notice any changes in my mental health at all, but i am committed to continue until something changes one way or another

Keep it up, surf!!!  It will pay off!!!

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that's great to hear salparadise6132...i feel the great instability in the nature as the seasons are lost...we're having extreme draughts and floods here

all living beings are alive because of the right combinations of the weather conditions but bacteria have the ability to survive in harsh conditions...air pollution may affect depressive symptoms, because air pollution is known to induce oxidative stress, a potential cause of depression...i like to live in a forest but then there are only streets here i could not even ride a bicycle securely 

 

 

 

 

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Things should start to get better today.  Mom is finally being moved closer to home only a half hour away.  Our lives should be close to being back to normal.  If everything goes as planned she should be home in September.  Finally this nightmare is almost over!

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Mentally and emotionally fried.

Still more intakes with my new HIV agency.  Meeting with a third counselor/case manager, repeating the same *******ed information yet again, and no idea why the hell I was talking to her.  Then an inexperienced nurse who had to consult her friggin' class notes to as she struggled to figure things out.  New doc is better than I expected...but, again, it's a NEW doc and it always takes time to develop a relationship.

I resent that they're piling on, "well, you should do this, this and this" before I have to interrupt and tell them I'm ALREADY overwhelmed and it's just gonna have to friggin' wait.  Problems is they're so determined to "help," I lose track of what I REALLY need.

New therapist, too, tomorrow.  Can't find much except she's been in practice only a couple years.  At least she's not an intern.  tbh, I have doubts.  But I guess I'll see how she answers my questions about her background, similar patients, how she operates.  Honestly, I'm expecting she'll be in over her head with me.

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23 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I think life has put you through a lot too. I'm really sorry it continues to suck. Like @sober4life, I'd do anything to have you feel better.

Thank you !! I know I am not an easy person because I'm pessimistic and negative for constantly writing how much I've suffered and don't have any energy or strength to go on..(certain people on this site have told me but that's OK)but after so many years can you blame me? That's why I isolate and just go to doctors appointments and then come back home and waste my life away on the internet, TV, or sleep. But can anyone seriously blame me? If the doctors have no answers what am I supposed to do? I've tried vitamins, meds, therapy, ECT, I mean what else can I possibly do?? It's not like i haven't tried. I guess life just hates me, and there's no relief to my misery....for those who have told me or will tell me that I've given up, yes I did.....I don't have anything to hope for, nor will I ever...

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37 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

Thank you !! I know I am not an easy person because I'm pessimistic and negative for constantly writing how much I've suffered and don't have any energy or strength to go on..(certain people on this site have told me but that's OK)but after so many years can you blame me? That's why I isolate and just go to doctors appointments and then come back home and waste my life away on the internet, TV, or sleep. But can anyone seriously blame me? If the doctors have no answers what am I supposed to do? I've tried vitamins, meds, therapy, ECT, I mean what else can I possibly do?? It's not like i haven't tried. I guess life just hates me, and there's no relief to my misery....for those who have told me or will tell me that I've given up, yes I did.....I don't have anything to hope for, nor will I ever...

There is nothing wrong with your posts.  It's how you really feel.  I know you are a good person and it makes me angry that life won't give you a break.  I want you to be happy and have the life you want to have.

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Been feeling weird since last night about certain things I’ve been trying to leave in the past and accept. It’s tough though. I think I’m good then I see something that makes me question. My feelings revert and I begin to wonder if I care about it too much. Tough to figure out which feelings are appropriate n which feelings are abnormally prominent. The one thing my logical side can’t do is compartmentalize my feelings. I’ve tried. 

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

Thank you !! I know I am not an easy person because I'm pessimistic and negative for constantly writing how much I've suffered and don't have any energy or strength to go on..(certain people on this site have told me but that's OK)but after so many years can you blame me? That's why I isolate and just go to doctors appointments and then come back home and waste my life away on the internet, TV, or sleep. But can anyone seriously blame me? If the doctors have no answers what am I supposed to do? I've tried vitamins, meds, therapy, ECT, I mean what else can I possibly do?? It's not like i haven't tried. I guess life just hates me, and there's no relief to my misery....for those who have told me or will tell me that I've given up, yes I did.....I don't have anything to hope for, nor will I ever...

I have similar tendencies. I don't see my situation improving at all. I'm aging quickly and what little fight I have left is rapidly disappearing.

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I feel very rundown from everything.  I'm trying to make my life more bearable.  If things don't improve I'm going to wake up one morning and leave.  I want to enjoy life not barely survive it mentally.  In the last 10 years my brain has probably aged 50 years from all the stress.

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I feel like a fraud here. I'm not. I assure you, I'm mentally struggling with things, but maybe meds have helped me or circumstances have. I do have better days...or moments, rather because my mood can change during the day. But I came on here to say that things are maybe getting a little easier. However, that being said, as soon as company leaves, I'm gonna be back to lonely...well, me and my husband which still feels lonely a lot of the time. But maybe it will be alright. Speaking of trying, i do try to look on the bright side of things. Maybe we suffer for a greater reason and we will figure it out one day. Trust me though, I know it sucks when you're in the middle of it and don't have those answers. ...

As I reread through this post I remember a challenging moment today that I'm still very anxious about making a resolution. Something kinda broke and I need it and haven't been able to find a replacement for some time that we've been looking. I might be able to get by without it tomorrow, but I will need it the next day...that reminds me, well, I kinda have something else worrying me too...

Already it's been rescheduled, but I may have to reschedule again my Neuro psych test results meeting. I've been anxiously waiting for over a month for this and now it's getting pushed more. Sigh. And of course getting there is a hassle these days...but trying to look on the bright side...or at least not think about it too much.

Long post. Guess I'm catching up. Hi!

 

Edit: mental issues might include ADHD, so forgive any haphazard flow to this post. I feel so dumb rereading my long posts sometimes, and try to edit, but I miss some things, surely.

Edited by anxiousE
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