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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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Here at work and really wanting to leave and never have to come to this place again. My anxiety is going crazy because of a lot of the people here. I don't fit in with anybody, always feel really low and down about my job which is practically just standing there doing next to nothing all day. Sure, Christine is there and I do talk to her but what is the point anymore. She just like everyone else probably hates me or thinks there's something wrong with me. I've never been good enough for anyone. So why should I even bother? My family hates me, my job is horrible and everyone I have had a crush on never ever has liked me back. I feel like dying that way I wouldn't have to wake up and do the same crap anymore. No worrying about how I'm not good enough...

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13 minutes ago, roadking02 said:

Here at work and really wanting to leave and never have to come to this place again. My anxiety is going crazy because of a lot of the people here. I don't fit in with anybody, always feel really low and down about my job which is practically just standing there doing next to nothing all day. Sure, Christine is there and I do talk to her but what is the point anymore. She just like everyone else probably hates me or thinks there's something wrong with me. I've never been good enough for anyone. So why should I even bother? My family hates me, my job is horrible and everyone I have had a crush on never ever has liked me back. I feel like dying that way I wouldn't have to wake up and do the same crap anymore. No worrying about how I'm not good enough...

Come on , I don't think your family hates you. Why do you say that?

And you are still young. I had crushes who didn't like me bad and it hurt, then again I had guys liked me and I didn't like them either. So it happens. You are too young to think like that. I wouldn't say you are not good enough, why do you believe that?

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7 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Don't become "model skinny".  I don't think it's healthy. I also don't think it looks good. But I'm an old guy so what do I know...

Booze adds calories of course. I think a single shot of booze is something like 200 calories? It's poison as well.

Any other potential crushes out there? Ya, I know how difficult it is. Believe me. :(

 

Trying to be model skinny is miserable.  I definitely have an eating disorder.  I get skinny when I have to make appearances in front of friends or family.  I'll hide away and eat like a pig and make sure I lose all the weight just in time to put on a show so the people that know me think I am always healthy.  Yeah right when I hide away I eat like a teenager.  It takes over your whole life after a while.

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A mix of emotions b/c it's been an exhausting week of ditching the old used car for a new used car.  I suppose much of it has to do with my just being dam tired.

Old car was failing mechanically.  New one has considerably fewer issues with which I'll nevetheless have to deal eventually, like a bad O2 sensor.  Shock of a change from sedan to wagon after 10 years, but this one has features l like - that WORK - and it's 7 years newer, and it's still German.  I'm just relieved to have jettisoned the major issues that kept me wondering if the car would survive the next trip.  I feel free to drive without anxiety.

Much of the exhaustion is from making it "mine" with some modifications like tint, a necessity in the South (U.S.), particularly on the cusp of summer here.  Personally, I felt little touches like a proper metal tag frame using proper M6 screws all around were necessary just to satisfy my sense of order.  Ditto for new wiper blades.  I like having the extra cargo space.  I like that I'll no longer be embarrassed to have my friends ride in it...though I'm not quite ready to become an Uber or Lyft driver.

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13 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Empty, clueless, stupid., loser.

Business as usual.

Oh the number of hours and days (weeks, months) I've felt like that, and it was still an undercurrent on "good" days b/c I knew it would come back with a vengeance.   I know exactly where you are and I'm sorry you have to live with that weight.  It draining and exhausting.

Y'know, I wish I had some way to lift you out of that.  I wish I had words of wisdom.

About all I can say is what I try to tell myself, that the voices endlessly criticizing you are lying.

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So I walked away from a good job. Was a lil more stressful than I could handle. Was there a few months. Was my first day back at one of my other jobs. Just in that alone has me on edge. Started recieving money each month for a medical claim. Bought a car straight cash. Put in a crazy sound system. New clothes. Can basically do whatever i want. From the outside lookin, probably looks pretty sweet. But the conflict is just so intense inside me. The pain that wavers in tensity, but never really leaves. My questions about this life, that i obsess about. Writing poems of death. My success through hard work, my isolation through social structure. I dont think i will ever be happy.

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Right now my life is like the part of the Lord of the Rings when the tree starts to bloom in the courtyard.  It's at the very worst part of the story where all hope seems lost but this where everything begins to turn around for the better.  I finally know everything is going to work out.  I feel very hopeful because I finally see a way out of this.

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This morning I was crying with tears of gratitude. I am in disbelief right now. My boyfriend treats me SO well, like gold, and I am utterly and completely blown away.

I have dealt with SO much crap from SO many men over the years -- some serious, serious abuse. Over and over and over again - I've been called every nasty horrible name in the book and then some. I've been beaten up verbally to a pulp, made to feel an inch small by many, many men.

This morning I couldn't remember the last time I dated a truly nice man. Well, I've found one and I am pretty floored. I figured that I would end up always being abused -- that this was my destiny and path.... that somehow I was born to be abused and mistreated. And right now I'm wondering what I've done to deserve this man. A small part of me feels undeserving, and that must be the part of me that is damaged.

Right now he is taking care of my long neglected car for me. He works with cars so he knows all about this stuff, which I don't. But that's not all -- he brings me flowers, he showers me with love, kindness and loving affection all the time... he truly loves me, and shows it to me each and every day.

I am just truly grateful he came into my life. I've prayed for this for years, and it never happened. Guess it's still hard to believe. Guess I am in complete awe of this drastic turnaround and event in my life. The universe works in mysterious ways for sure.

Edited by RiverLight
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2 hours ago, RiverLight said:

This morning I was crying with tears of gratitude. I am in disbelief right now. My boyfriend treats me SO well, like gold, and I am utterly and completely blown away.

I have dealt with SO much crap from SO many men over the years -- some serious, serious abuse. Over and over and over again - I've been called every nasty horrible name in the book and then some. I've been beaten up verbally to a pulp, made to feel an inch small by many, many men.

This morning I couldn't remember the last time I dated a truly nice man. Well, I've found one and I am pretty floored. I figured that I would end up always being abused -- that this was my destiny and path.... that somehow I was born to be abused and mistreated. And right now I'm wondering what I've done to deserve this man. A small part of me feels undeserving, and that must be the part of me that is damaged.

Right now he is taking care of my long neglected car for me. He works with cars so he knows all about this stuff, which I don't. But that's not all -- he brings me flowers, he showers me with love, kindness and loving affection all the time... he truly loves me, and shows it to me each and every day.

I am just truly grateful he came into my life. I've prayed for this for years, and it never happened. Guess it's still hard to believe. Guess I am in complete awe of this drastic turnaround and event in my life. The universe works in mysterious ways for sure.

I'm very happy for you!  :icon12: I used to think I had a destiny as well but none of us have a path that has already been written.  I know what it's like to expect to always be abused and be surprised when people treat you well.  It's sad that we have had such tragic lives where all we expect is to be abused.  You are  a very sweet loving caring person that deserves a wonderful life end of story.  Don't let your brain lie to you and tell you that you don't deserve a good life.

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm very happy for you!  :icon12: I used to think I had a destiny as well but none of us have a path that has already been written.  I know what it's like to expect to always be abused and be surprised when people treat you well.  It's sad that we have had such tragic lives where all we expect is to be abused.  You are  a very sweet loving caring person that deserves a wonderful life end of story.  Don't let your brain lie to you and tell you that you don't deserve a good life.

Awwwwww, thank you SO much, sober4life. :hugs::hugs: You are very sweet and very kind to say these things. We all deserve happiness and a good life.

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I have come to realize that I am addicted to a toxic friendship that must end.  It hurts, because I believed she loved me, as a friend, but, it is way too complicated and, mostly, makes me feel horrible.  Please send me some strength to let it go.  I think I have the strength in myself, by any extra for you folks, my friends, would help!!!

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9 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I have come to realize that I am addicted to a toxic friendship that must end.  It hurts, because I believed she loved me, as a friend, but, it is way too complicated and, mostly, makes me feel horrible.  Please send me some strength to let it go.  I think I have the strength in myself, by any extra for you folks, my friends, would help!!!

I have trouble letting go of toxic relationships as well.  I have a self destructive brain.  I crave the toxic people in my life like I crave the alcohol.  My brain knows if it leads me to these people they will drive me crazy and maybe drive me to drink.  Maybe that's what your brain is thinking.  I have figured out our brain is willing to go through hell if it thinks it will get rewarded in some way for it.

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@salparadise6132

Here is some encouragement, as you requested, to end the toxic friendship you mentioned.

You CAN do it, and you'll feel so much better, as you said that the friendship makes you feel horrible,

Do you plan to do a direct announcement "I'm not going to continue this friendship", or a fade-away by not answering the phone, declining invitations to get together, etc.

 

 

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14 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I have come to realize that I am addicted to a toxic friendship that must end.  It hurts, because I believed she loved me, as a friend, but, it is way too complicated and, mostly, makes me feel horrible.  Please send me some strength to let it go.  I think I have the strength in myself, by any extra for you folks, my friends, would help!!!

Brian, here are some quotes I found that may help:

"We would do ourselves a tremendous favor by letting go of the people who poison our spirit"

"Letting go of negative people in our lives isn't saying 'I hate you', it's saying 'I love me'"

"You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with, so be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down"

Sending you strength!!!! :hugs::icon12:

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When I started trying to get sober I remained friends with my partying friends because I told myself I had to help them all but I relapsed over and over again because of it.  It got to the point where I had to stay away from them to survive.  Some people only drain you and take everything from you until you have nothing left and move on.  We have to stay away from those people.

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