Jump to content

How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

Recommended Posts

Frustrated and angry.  Haven't had a bounce like this in a while.

Pleased I actually forced myself outside to mow the (front) lawn and then showered.  Ran the laundry...BUT the tub didn't drain.  Though I managed to get the clothes in the dryer, that one little problem threw a monkey wrench into my day.  Completely threw me off my sense of accomplishment.

The closet where it lives is full of previous tenants' junk, my landlord (who also has a disability) has counted on me to take care of things like this (which I usually have no problem doing).  But considering my frame of mind these past few months, this is just one more *******ed thing I DON'T need.  I called and put it in his lap where it belongs.  I'm fed up.

Edited by MarkintheDark
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I am reasonably sure you are being extra hard on yourself.

But.  Even if you are -

Choose Step One, girl:  Do good, and forget the past.  What a wonder is transformation!  Think "A Christmas Carol."  What a story that is!  It is never too late to love!!!!!

Thank you so much...i appreciate it. I used to collect editions of that story. I still love it. Theres just so much toxicity in the world and its hard to keep it out. Ugh. Trying to renew old relationships and forge new ones. Good ones with foundations of strnghth and hope. Hope right now is friends and a counseling appt on monday.  Thank you again for the hope. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found out that I've gained a lot of weight, not very happy about that at all! I don't want to go back to that fat, chubby ***** I used to be.

I've been slim for years; after I did something about my weight. I looked so disgusting at 15 and became slim at 16. After that, it seemed like my metabolism kicked off and I could get away with eating whatever I liked. Not anymore.

Although, I can still put on my dressing gown I wore when I was 6 years old. I was fat back then so wore a 7/8 years. I can still put on 8-year-old sized clothing. A dress I wore at 9 (10 year old size dress btw, which was tight on me back then, what a cow) still fits me as well. Maybe my scales are wrong! Hope so, I don't want to get fat again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Guys, I don't hate overweight people!!!!! I believe beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I just hate myself looking fat, if that makes sense? It like brings back bad memories for me to be fat! I was always fat until I reached 16. Now I'm almost 20. Sorry if I offended you guys, that's not my intentions 😢 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Woke up a bunch last night. Every time I woke up he was awake with insomnia 😞 Poor guy. 530 AM n still not asleep. Luckily he can sleep in today, but then I get lonely. I like spending my mornings with him, but is insomnia is just so bad sometimes that it’s impossible. I see him in the times I wake up, just sitting there or laying there, wide awake. I’d hate to be like that so I’m grateful for myself. However watching him makes me sad, he deserves a good nights rest. He earns it. 

Feeling kinda selfish for wanting to wake him up to keep me company. I probably would if I were feeling depressed, and he would give up his sleep for me. But I’ll save it for when I really need it, not just when I’m lonely. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/14/2018 at 11:51 AM, LonelyHiker said:

Right now, at this particular moment in time, I hate everyone and everything...

Amazing! I came on here to post the very same thing.

I had to run errands this morning (including finding some extra-powerful drain cleaner for my tub, @MarkintheDark) and being out amongst all the "beautiful people" who look great and don't sweat in 90 degree, & humid weather made me more and more bitter. I hate it when I get like this. I'm in the "Paint it Black" mood--in fact, that old Rolling Stones song is what I'm listening to right now.

I want to be divorced from the human race.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@babyxgothxx I know exactly what you mean. Back in 2007-2008, I lost 30-lbs in advance of some major surgery I had. I worked myself into great condition. I kept it up through the divorce in 2014. After that, I began drinking in earnest and getting lazier and lazier. The 30-lbs. came back. All my skinny clothes are lying in a heap in the closet.

I'm disgusted with myself.

I did begin walking again at least. I'm back to long distances, though I still breathe hard because of fatness (and having only one lung).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel a multitude of things.

All things considered pretty good.

Yet

Mostly empty and frustrated. Who am I and what is it I want? Why is it that despite life being pretty good..

Empty and frustrated.

I am not where I should be as the person I should be.

Stuck in limbo.

Where is my mojo?!

 

Edited by samadhiSheol
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, half our house guests have left for awhile and it was the kids so it's quiet now. too quiet! miss em! Which gives me more time to think about , which brings me back here. (well, hello and stuff.) The part is I'm thinking about trying to friend my ex friend again. I won't. I doubt my efforts would work anyway, but I still think about it. When will I ever get over this??!! 😞 thing is, I've something that's a reminder about this old friend and what's worse is that it's by something that's supposed to bring me joy. (It's a wall mural next to my cardio machine) so it's a little difficult to move/remove... I mean, we'd talked about painting over that when we moved in, but what would be my excuse now? Meanwhile, I'm trying to workout, build up good endorphins again (post depression) and I can't help but cringe and lose my effort. So, that's how I feel "right now". guess I've been pretty ok lately though. kinda 😉

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel pretty awful right now. My sister with Autism is in the hospital after throwing a major tantrum and threatening to **** herself. She did this because (after coming back from the hospital after threatening to **** herself again last night) she made a nasty personal attack on me about something I am very sensitive about because I criticized a fanfic idea she had and when I told her this was out of line, she exploded. I also have a pretty bad migraine and tomorrow I have to get up at 6:30 to work as a camp counselor for at-risk first-second graders after getting absolutely no rest this weekend. So, yeah. I hate my life very much right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't remember what it's like to spend most of the day in a good mood. I can't remember the last time that happened. It seems like I used to have mostly good days with some bad thrown in, and now it's the other way around. Or maybe I just have more time to think about, stew over it. Maybe that's a contributing factor, but I don't believe it's possible for me to go back to the person I was before. I no longer believe in myself or the world around me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

I'm freaking out. I wish I hadn't taken this job -- I wish I could go back in time and decline it. I am so anxious right now, I am practically in a panic.

You sound like me.  I'm so tired I don't know how I'm going to make it to work but I'm going to be busy every day until the 25th.  I won't know my own name by then.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, RiverLight said:

I'm freaking out. I wish I hadn't taken this job -- I wish I could go back in time and decline it. I am so anxious right now, I am practically in a panic.

I made the mistake of accepting a "promotion" back in 2009. My ex was insisting that I do it. I had plenty of reservations about it at the time but here I am, still wondering why I did it.

Actually, we can do it, but at what cost?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Relieved.

Mom's doctor appointment this morning, for once, was relatively free of drama (i.e., only one brief cry - meaningless, but that's what she does).  I think she realizes that neither her doc (female) nor I will buy into the waterworks.

I don't have to get onto her script matters immediately, since I already straightened it out last week.  There's nothing pressing.  I can focus on myself.

Edited by MarkintheDark
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, sober4life said:

@babyxgothxx and @JD4010 the only reason I keep the weight off is because that's how paranoid I am. I don't trust anyone in real life so I don't want to give them any reason to think I'm slipping in any way.  Of course I'm still the craziest person you would ever meet but I look like I'm ok.

I know the struggle 😥 I try to act and "look" normal in my face so people don't think I'm failing! It's horrible, if this weight is lifted, life would be at least a bit easier!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@babyxgothxx I know exactly what you mean. Back in 2007-2008, I lost 30-lbs in advance of some major surgery I had. I worked myself into great condition. I kept it up through the divorce in 2014. After that, I began drinking in earnest and getting lazier and lazier. The 30-lbs. came back. All my skinny clothes are lying in a heap in the closet.

I'm disgusted with myself.

I did begin walking again at least. I'm back to long distances, though I still breathe hard because of fatness (and having only one lung).

First of all, congratulations for the weight loss! Please try not to feel disgusted for gaining the weight back on, it happens, especially if you're going though hard times. A divorce is so devastating! Ugh I sound so hypocritical. I am disgusted with myself yet I don't want others to. Pathetic really! 😕 

I'm so proud of you for walking again! I'm too lazy to do even that 😕 Try to be careful because you only have one lung 😞 So proud of you, buddy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...