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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

There are times when I actually wish for a long "vacation" at the hospital, where I get pumped full of sedatives to the point I don't feel anything. That's precisely what I was doing when I was still drinking. I didn't want to feel anything...just exist in the darkness without having life interfere.

Im sorry. that's how I feel. and I think I'm headed down that path...my drinks become more and more frequent....

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@ladysmurf I absolutely cannot drink (if I'm alone). Once I start, I don't stop until I black out. I wake up the next day and wonder what the he!! happened. I can go to a bar and have one b e e r and be fine...but if I'm home alone, I would hit the hard stuff and be off to oblivion.

No drinky for me--ever.

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Happy to have 2 appointments today. Life's been literally wild since I last saw my psychiatrist. He's a great doctor to talk to so I'm interested on what his take of my current life events will be. Therapy, the regular weekly session, happens today too. I've been doing a lot of teletherapy sessions due to scheduling and weird sleep patterns. So seeing my therapist in person will be nice too. She doesn't mind the teletherapy and has been super understanding of my last minute changes from in person to online. I also utilized the phone check-in "feature" (i guess) of being her client since we last met in person. Happy that I've still been getting treatment, even on days were I've stayed up too late the night before due to socializing or school work. No judgement, love my doctors.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@ladysmurf I absolutely cannot drink (if I'm alone). Once I start, I don't stop until I black out. I wake up the next day and wonder what the he!! happened. I can go to a bar and have one b e e r and be fine...but if I'm home alone, I would hit the hard stuff and be off to oblivion.

No drinky for me--ever.

I know. I hear you JD. I know it's dumb what I'm doing, but after so many years of struggling, and no solutions. Once in a while when I have a bad day I drink so I can pass out and sleep. So I don't have to feel or think or anything..

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Omg.... I am dying.... not literally, but dying at work. It's crazy challenging! I'm gonna grow gray hair over this. BUT, it's what I need in order to grow in my career, so I have to accept this massive challenge somehow.

Thank goodness for the weekends!!!!!

 

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Found out some stuff from my financial advisor that made me incredibly angry at him (and myself). Feel like I'm going to get penalized out the ying-yang if I try to change things now. Tried to cry when I got home but nothing lol...

Was going to buy some alcohol but the workers at the liquor store were in a heated argument and just put me off it. I don't drink often but I'm in that anxiety phase where my whole body's been trembling for the past 5 hours.

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My current cycle seems to be one good, productive day and one meh, lack of any motivation day.

Which I guess is better than one or two good days, followed by two or three bad days.

Today was a meh day. Couldn't focus on work at all, couldn't bring myself to work on any hobbies, couldn't focus on any movies or shows I tried to watch. Couldn't hold any conversations, either in person with my doc and nurse or in text with an old pal of mine. Meh. Just meh.

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15 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I want to change my life. I still have dreams of a different existence. But I'm tied down just like Gulliver.

I don't think the bonds can be broken.

Yes they can. What is there first thing you need to do to begin that process? Think about it and then do it. 

 

I have a sweater and it says on it "ALL WE HAVE IS NOW" I believe that.

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On 7/10/2018 at 5:28 PM, June322 said:

I feel kind of low and lost. Ive been in college  for over 2 years and im thinking about quitting but that would make my mom so disappointed and I wouldn't even know what to do with myself or life if I quit and I already wasted so much time 😞  

I wouldn't think about it as having wasted time. I suspect you have learned something from the experience - about yourself and about alternative world views. My brother quit college for a couple of years, moved back home, working retail  jobs. Then he was ready to go back. Fast forward 25 years, he has a great job and is happy. Sometimes it takes awhile to find our path. 

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

There is never one moment of peace anymore.  This is the worst life I could have ever asked for.  I hate every second of this!

Damn, I'm sorry my friend. I wish I could change that for you.

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Well, I just kinda sorta broke off a kinda sorta relationship. It was doomed from the start as she lives on the other side of the planet and I couldn't afford to go see her. I knew this was coming but it's still rough. I hope it doesn't make her too sad. She's actually stronger emotionally than I am. I hope some other guy comes along to match up with her. He'll be a lucky man.

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48 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Damn, I'm sorry my friend. I wish I could change that for you.

I'm doing ok.  I'm just paranoid and crazy really.  Things are going well.  I'm working,  I'm healthy,  I've had a significant other for a while now even though mom doesn't even know about this person.  I should be happy but like I said I'm crazy.

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

There is never one moment of peace anymore.  This is the worst life I could have ever asked for.  I hate every second of this!

 

51 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Damn, I'm sorry my friend. I wish I could change that for you.

JD took the words right out of my mouth.

Rooting for you. Both of you.

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm doing ok.  I'm just paranoid and crazy really.  Things are going well.  I'm working,  I'm healthy,  I've had a significant other for a while now even though mom doesn't even know about this person.  I should be happy but like I said I'm crazy.

I am both too.

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On 7/9/2018 at 3:48 PM, JD4010 said:

That's a great wish, my friend. I want everyone to finally get out of hell as well. You have been through too much already.

Yes that's true 😞 Nobody deserves to struggle this much! Thanks hun but you all need it more than me :hugs: 

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