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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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1 hour ago, Dolphin2013 said:

I agree about nursing homes being hell. I hope I never have to be put in one. The one my father-in-law is in always smells bad and all he does is sleep. 

They keep them doped up so all they want to do is sleep plus of course they are depressed.  Sleep is the only escape from hell.  We all need to enjoy every moment of our lives because any moment our lives can be over.  I'll never be put away again.  On the ride to the facility I'll jump out of the car and whatever happens when I die would be better even if there is no afterlife.

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16 hours ago, tamjez said:

What kind of weather is going on out there love? I'm doing good I didn't take my meds today but I feel fine. I hope your doing better Huggs and lots of love ❤️😄

The weather over here is so hot! I hate it. Aww so glad you are feeling fine 🙂 Hope you are doing better today yourself!  Hugs and love back :hugs:❤️ 

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18 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

Yeah, 37C here today, humidex made it feel like 44.  Supposed to be hotter tomorrow!

Don't you love what we're doing to the lakes?  Lake Erie has had a massive algal bloom over the last few years - like a fifth of the lake is covered!  Jeez.

I'm taking my kids up to the big lake, Superior, in August.  I think all's clear up there!  Not as many people or big cities on it to despoil it - not yet at least!!!!

Oh, and feel free to take a leak on Scott Walker's lawn for me.  Freaking Asshat.

Hahaha. I might go number 1 and number 2  on Snott Walker's lawn.

I love Lake Superior. We used to stay in a cabin on the northwest shore every year. And yes, I've been swimming in it!!

Edited by JD4010
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Strangely calm. I've been considering the idea of freeing myself. Not from life, but from the way I "live" it (yes, "live" in quote marks). My time in this realm might be short so why not try to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

My huge load of guilt may preclude it however. So step 1 is to figure out a way to unload it.

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10 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Strangely calm. I've been considering the idea of freeing myself. Not from life, but from the way I "live" it (yes, "live" in quote marks). My time in this realm might be short so why not try to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

My huge load of guilt may preclude it however. So step 1 is to figure out a way to unload it.

How about this re guilt:

By freeing yourself, you will be an example and an inspiration for everyone else to do the same.

By staying trapped you will be an example for those around you to do the same.

Really, in the long term, freeing yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others, because by doing it, you give others permission to do it too.

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32 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Strangely calm. I've been considering the idea of freeing myself. Not from life, but from the way I "live" it (yes, "live" in quote marks). My time in this realm might be short so why not try to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

My huge load of guilt may preclude it however. So step 1 is to figure out a way to unload it.

My constant feelings of guilt have put me in a prison my whole life.

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Guilty that I have a relative who has cancer. They have children, a good job and lots to live for. I feel like a failure- no job or independence, depression and suicidal ideation (though passive) and a host of other medical issues. I wish I had the cancer. 

I feel alone with the thoughts as obviously not appropriate to discuss with others irl - turning this into something about me not the relative and their close family. 

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8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Strangely calm. I've been considering the idea of freeing myself. Not from life, but from the way I "live" it (yes, "live" in quote marks). My time in this realm might be short so why not try to do some of the things I've always wanted to do.

My huge load of guilt may preclude it however. So step 1 is to figure out a way to unload it.

Hear! Hear! 

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8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Kava! What is that?

It is a plant that promotes relaxation. Ground to a powder or tincture form, teas, etc.  Nasty tasting stuff. 

 

8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Kava! What is that?

 

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On 6/29/2018 at 5:19 PM, tamjez said:

Hello, I'm sorry to hear that this human is making you feel this way :c You are not garbage! You are an amazing person and strong. To be able to commit with someone who doesn't value you. 😔 Justknow were here for you and we love you ❤️

thank you tamjez. it's always nice to see when people see the good in you 🙂

tbh, that was mainly anxiety and depression speaking. I hate when it gets me so jaded towards the people i love. i feel i turn a lot of things into bigger things bc my mind feels comfort in my negativity. unfortunately,  my bf is no exception in regards to my anxiety. he's very straight forward in the sense that he does not like to dance around issues. it can be stressful sometimes, but i appreciate his honesty which i can tell is hard for him to say sometimes.

it really warms my heart though that you commented on, it shows people care not only about me, but how others treat me ❤️

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Got my hopes up for alone time with the bf tonight, of course he’s tired. Bummer. Fine, I’ll organize something with friends to go out, something I never do on a Sunday night. Everyone’s busy with someone else or don’t feel like dealing with public transportation. It’s fine but they got my hope up for a bit. I was proud I created a positive distraction to my loneliness problem. I got dressed up, put on a shirt I hadn’t worn in years that was too small, but the bf said I looked great. I felt great, until people started backing out. 

I was so sad. I cried where I thought I would have a dry day. My bf stayed up past his ambien drowsiness again bc of me. I feel awful. That guys has so much trouble  sleeping and I’m just one more thing that makes that even more difficult. I tried to get him to sleep and not comfort me, but he kept trying. It made me even more sad bc not only couldn’t I handle a problem everyone faces, being alone for an evening, but now I was preventing him from getting rest. 

Now he’s asleep, and I can’t sleep. Debating on whether or not to cancel loose plans in place for the day. Feel like tonight was supposed to be the night but whatever. My friends may just have to wait until I’m back from my trip, in the moment, I don’t care. 

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Today and tomorrow the stress levels will be higher than they have ever been in my life.  I don't know how I'm going to get through these days but it's like I'm strapped into a roller coaster going up the first hill.  I have no choice but to finish the ride so I hope it doesn't crash.

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29 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Today and tomorrow the stress levels will be higher than they have ever been in my life.  I don't know how I'm going to get through these days but it's like I'm strapped into a roller coaster going up the first hill.  I have no choice but to finish the ride so I hope it doesn't crash.

What immediately came to my mind was the day I had to move, just over a year ago, from a house I'd loved for seven years that had been sold.  Except for the (lousy) movers, I was stuck doing it myself.  NO ONE offered to help.  And physically, because of advanced HIV, it completely drained me beyond empty.  That day was a kind of total hell.  My only thought was to keep myself out of the hospital because my previous stays - a heart attack, for one - have been a direct result of excessive stress.  Sure enough, a few weeks later I was admitted for emergency gall bladder surgery.

I understand the feeling of powerlessness, the way it feels you're being pushed beyond your limits - physical, mental, emotional.  In the moment, too, my tendency is to call BS (or STFU) so-called useful advice that "God won't give you more than you can handle."

Whatever the hell you have to do to survive the next couple of days, do it.  It may mean being selfish.  It may mean saying, "No."  If you're at all like me, it may even mean lots of tears.  Then, whatever it takes, take a good break to regroup.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

My constant feelings of guilt have put me in a prison my whole life.

Yes. Same here. I'd love to know where all of that started. I can't remember back to a time when I didn't feel guilty.

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@Sophy Here's the "funny" thing...if I do  somehow manage to free myself, I know I will then feel guilty about *that*.

My guilt drove me to mow my former lawn yesterday so my ex didn't have to. It was hot, nasty, and chock full of mosquitoes but I did it anyway.

Guilt is my constant companion.

Edited by JD4010
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8 hours ago, TopekaK said:

I feel like my "love handles" have tuned into full on bumpers.   

Same. It's embarrassing. I look 9 months pregnant--and I'm a guy!

"I don't know nothin' about birthin' no bowling balls."

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18 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

So trapped and irritated! This is causing me to want to go out tomorrow for a LONG time. Then binge shop lol It's the worst feeling ever. It's like you long to run, far far away and never come back... 

hey i messaged you......feel better. i fell trapped and annoyed too

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