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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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Work today was a bit odd, I for a few moments thought my boss made Christine work with me on purpose to see how nervous he could get me to be while working. It didn't help that while working with her I found out about her boyfriend, the fact that they live together and a few other things. I talked to her, complimented her new glasses and to be honest I was a total nervous wreck. Doesn't help me at all though because my already broken heart is slowly sinking even further than it has in a very long time. Everyone has plans for the next 2 weeks off except for me. My parents have asked if I wanted to go with them to Georgia for a few days but I don't feel like going there. I asked some of my cousins if they wanted to hang out but they all declined because they have stuff going on. So for the next 2 weeks I will be completely alone.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

This is a point in my life where things are so awful I can't imagine things turning out well.  What a total joke this life is!

I feel this frequently.  I have had suicidal thoughts but I logically know these are caused by depression brought on by my anxiety.

No matter how bad you perceive things to be.  No matter what you experience.  Keep this thought in mind:  life is a series of experiences and if you can detach yourself from it just for a moment, you can think of it like a movie or book.  A series of experiences is just that, and whether they are good or bad is truly subjective.  You could live in a gutter alone but find beauty and wonder in watching a simple beetle crawling through the muck.  It's a matter of perspective.  What truly matters is that you keep on experiencing life, whatever it may bring you.

We all have desires.  Ways we want life to go.  More importantly we have expectations.  Pain and sadness come most when life is most different from our expectations.  When life deviates from your expectations, change your expectations.  Change your goals.

I know that whenever the anxiety of the thought of job loss starts to spiral in my brain I think of what might happen.  I think of the worst possible scenario and I realize:  In that scenario I still live.  I still breathe.  And in that scenario, no matter how bad it is, I have the option, I have the choice to change my goals.  To change what I want out of life.

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1 hour ago, Dolphin2013 said:

My husband was laid off today. He's kind of shell-shocked. My son was laid off 2 weeks ago.

I'm still working a little part-time job. At least they both have severance, but crap.

 

I'm sorry this happened, Dolphin 🙁 I hope they get back in the game quickly

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6 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Wow..... finished my first week of work.... being back to work full-time again is super hard. Had a conversation with the CEO. I think they believe I know far more than I actually do, lol... actually, I am not laughing over that because truth is, I am terrified that I really don't know enough. Either that or I don't give myself enough credit. But, all week long, I felt like I don't deserve the status of "senior".

This is normal, River. We all feel like a fraudster and incompetent when we start a new job. We grow into the role. It's a bit of fake-it-til-you-make-it and an intense learning curve.

It can be a very humbling experience, seeing how much we don't know and having to learn to walk again, like a baby, in a new sphere.

Keep getting up, every time you fall on your butt. Dust yourself off and keep going.

Try and laugh about your mishaps, even if sometimes you feel like crying.

This will get easier, even if the first 2 months are rough.

It will be a phase of intense personal growth and you will be unfathomably proud of yourself, if you can stick it out.

Feeling overwhelmed and challenged is okay - as long as you're not feeling miserable.

Grow, grow, grow, grow girl !!!! : )

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11 hours ago, surfcaster said:

Sorry you feel this way but you are strong and you'll get through it, keep your head up and be good to yourself

I know I'm strong.  I would have never realized I was without the people here.  I'm tired of being strong.  I keep trying to fix my life.  One day I want to wake up to peace and quiet.  I always wake up to war.  My whole adult life has been a total house of cards that routinely falls over.  I'm always in over my head.  I feel like a monkey flying a plane most of the time but somehow things always barely work out.

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8 hours ago, TiredDad said:

I feel this frequently.  I have had suicidal thoughts but I logically know these are caused by depression brought on by my anxiety.

No matter how bad you perceive things to be.  No matter what you experience.  Keep this thought in mind:  life is a series of experiences and if you can detach yourself from it just for a moment, you can think of it like a movie or book.  A series of experiences is just that, and whether they are good or bad is truly subjective.  You could live in a gutter alone but find beauty and wonder in watching a simple beetle crawling through the muck.  It's a matter of perspective.  What truly matters is that you keep on experiencing life, whatever it may bring you.

We all have desires.  Ways we want life to go.  More importantly we have expectations.  Pain and sadness come most when life is most different from our expectations.  When life deviates from your expectations, change your expectations.  Change your goals.

I know that whenever the anxiety of the thought of job loss starts to spiral in my brain I think of what might happen.  I think of the worst possible scenario and I realize:  In that scenario I still live.  I still breathe.  And in that scenario, no matter how bad it is, I have the option, I have the choice to change my goals.  To change what I want out of life.

I do still have the suicidal thoughts.  My emotions are much better than they used to be overall but I wish life was easier right now when I'm trying to stay sober but of course not.  Life is throwing everything it can at me trying to break me all at once as expected.  I am stronger now and am able to detach myself like you have mentioned.  Before I was out of control emotionally but now I'm becoming the strong silent type that is able to make the right decisions for a change.  I'm trying to see the beauty in things and enjoy the moment.  Right now I have trouble enjoying any of my accomplishments because I'm not able to help mom.  It's going to take a miracle for her to ever be back home.  Her situation makes me so angry because all of this is happening to her because of medical malpractice.

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7 hours ago, Sophy said:

This is normal, River. We all feel like a fraudster and incompetent when we start a new job. We grow into the role. It's a bit of fake-it-til-you-make-it and an intense learning curve.

It can be a very humbling experience, seeing how much we don't know and having to learn to walk again, like a baby, in a new sphere.

Keep getting up, every time you fall on your butt. Dust yourself off and keep going.

Try and laugh about your mishaps, even if sometimes you feel like crying.

This will get easier, even if the first 2 months are rough.

It will be a phase of intense personal growth and you will be unfathomably proud of yourself, if you can stick it out.

Feeling overwhelmed and challenged is okay - as long as you're not feeling miserable.

Grow, grow, grow, grow girl !!!! : )

Omg, Sophy, your encouragement and words are so helpful to me right now -- this is exactly what I need to hear, thank you so much! It is so true -- all of what you wrote. I never would have thought of it from that angle, but it is a humbling experience, no doubt...... and thing is? I want to feel confident going into this, and I do somewhat, then I don't at all! But this makes sense...... so hopefully after a few months, I will be in the swing of things there.

A million gazillion thanks to you!!  HUGS. :hugs:❤️:hugs:

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25 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Omg, Sophy, your encouragement and words are so helpful to me right now -- this is exactly what I need to hear, thank you so much! It is so true -- all of what you wrote. I never would have thought of it from that angle, but it is a humbling experience, no doubt...... and thing is? I want to feel confident going into this, and I do somewhat, then I don't at all! But this makes sense...... so hopefully after a few months, I will be in the swing of things there.

A million gazillion thanks to you!!  HUGS. :hugs:❤️:hugs:

I have faith in you.  I know you can do well at this job.  I can see a very strong person in you capable of doing anything she wants to do in life.  Take a look in the mirror and see the strong leader that I see and go in every day and show them what you are made of.

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Ouch.

The weather here is so darn dry that I just set up our bore water pump to water one of the pastures.

The hose was all tangled up from last summer and intertwined with some weird plants.

It wasn't poison ivy, but it seems it was something similar, cos my entire arms are now covered in big, itchy red weals....

Sigh

: /

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36 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I have faith in you.  I know you can do well at this job.  I can see a very strong person in you capable of doing anything she wants to do in life.  Take a look in the mirror and see the strong leader that I see and go in every day and show them what you are made of.

TY, Sober! :hugs:❤️ I need to hear this too!!!

Man, I just realize what I don't know and what I have to learn in order to be that leader.

You're right though -- I know I am capable & I do have leadership qualities, but I've gotten away so far with just doing certain aspects of my role, while excluding other aspects, and have been able to see success  -- but now I need to see the whole pie, and utilize the whole pie... if that makes sense?

So those pieces I don't know I need to learn now. And that's what scares me..... is that at this stage, I should know the whole pie, but have gotten away with just using certain pieces (to no real fault of my own... I was never exposed to those pieces).

So this is why I feel like a fraud..... the company believes that I know all aspects of the role and assumes that.... but I don't, really, and now it will be exposed since I will be presenting and pitching strategies and solutions to clients.....

This weekend I will study up on those aspects I don't know and see where that takes me... maybe I will feel better if I do and perhaps a bit more on top of my game.

Sorry for such a lengthy reply, lol. HUGS.

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Really quite anxious and tetchy at the moment. Have been for a few weeks, really. A couple of months ago I got a letter saying I'd been summoned for jury service and since then, and up to being assigned a trial on Monday, I've been worrying about all sorts of scenarios and possibilities. I was hoping not to get anything too graphic or traumatic, I've been worrying about the possibility of being recognised by the defendant or any of the other witnesses and public gallery, and me not recognising them. I'm worried about the jury coming to the wrong decision, it's a big responsibility, whatever decision we come to we're going to have a profound effect on people's lives one way or another, no matter what. That can't be played down. 

Obviously, I can't talk about the details of the trial. The content is sensitive and upsetting. Yeah, there are another eleven of us going through this right now, but I feel very much isolated. I posted a couple of times on Facebook about the fact that I'm on jury service and that I'm worried about it and confused about the jury selection process - nothing at all about the trial, and my wife has berated me for it talking about the legal implications of me discussing the trial while it's in progress. I'm not discussing the trial, I'm discussing the fears I had from being summoned for jury service, and my thoughts on the selection process. I need support and I'm not getting it. The literature we've been given by the court, the introduction to jury service stuff, it says in that if you find the details of a trial distressing and feel you need any kind of counselling or support, then to either get in touch with your GP or the Samaritans. Not the court, even though they're the orchestrators, you're under obligation to go but as soon as you're done they'll wash their hands of you. As part of the introduction, the judge told us that we shouldn't let our emotions take over. Course I understand that, but what does he think we are, robots? If I could just switch off, I'd have never posted on this forum at all, ever.

Towards the end of the week, I did start to come out of my shell a bit more. Ok, I don't think I'm ever going to be the kind of person who can confidently put their point across to eleven other people, but there have been a couple of times towards the end of the week that I've made a point to one or two people that's been repeated to the rest of the group. I don't know how I'm going to be coming out of this, really. It's Saturday, but I can't stop thinking about the things I've been hearing in that court room, and I think some of the things I've heard will stay with me for a very, very long time.

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17 hours ago, tamjez said:

 

Hello ^.^ I'm new and beginning to learn how to use the forum page. Thank You so much yes that is me in the picture. How are you? 😄

It's okay 🙂 Ehh I'm not feeling well to be honest. The weather over here is scorching! Thanks for asking! Hope you're doing okay 

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I feel okay, all things considered. My cat is not well so I'm not great. I feel tired, run down (depressed) since hearing from the veterinarian the bad news. Idk it's not the best day tbh. & struggling with depression already doesn't help. 

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6 hours ago, RichW said:

Really quite anxious and tetchy at the moment. Have been for a few weeks, really. A couple of months ago I got a letter saying I'd been summoned for jury service and since then, and up to being assigned a trial on Monday, I've been worrying about all sorts of scenarios and possibilities. I was hoping not to get anything too graphic or traumatic, I've been worrying about the possibility of being recognised by the defendant or any of the other witnesses and public gallery, and me not recognising them. I'm worried about the jury coming to the wrong decision, it's a big responsibility, whatever decision we come to we're going to have a profound effect on people's lives one way or another, no matter what. That can't be played down. 

Obviously, I can't talk about the details of the trial. The content is sensitive and upsetting. Yeah, there are another eleven of us going through this right now, but I feel very much isolated. I posted a couple of times on Facebook about the fact that I'm on jury service and that I'm worried about it and confused about the jury selection process - nothing at all about the trial, and my wife has berated me for it talking about the legal implications of me discussing the trial while it's in progress. I'm not discussing the trial, I'm discussing the fears I had from being summoned for jury service, and my thoughts on the selection process. I need support and I'm not getting it. The literature we've been given by the court, the introduction to jury service stuff, it says in that if you find the details of a trial distressing and feel you need any kind of counselling or support, then to either get in touch with your GP or the Samaritans. Not the court, even though they're the orchestrators, you're under obligation to go but as soon as you're done they'll wash their hands of you. As part of the introduction, the judge told us that we shouldn't let our emotions take over. Course I understand that, but what does he think we are, robots? If I could just switch off, I'd have never posted on this forum at all, ever.

Towards the end of the week, I did start to come out of my shell a bit more. Ok, I don't think I'm ever going to be the kind of person who can confidently put their point across to eleven other people, but there have been a couple of times towards the end of the week that I've made a point to one or two people that's been repeated to the rest of the group. I don't know how I'm going to be coming out of this, really. It's Saturday, but I can't stop thinking about the things I've been hearing in that court room, and I think some of the things I've heard will stay with me for a very, very long time.

I have to do jury duty too.  It said my name was randomly selected.  It was selected last year too.  How lucky for me.

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5 minutes ago, babyxgothxx said:

Well, I need him back or else I die 💔 

No no no, stop those thoughts and distract yourself (without resorting to alcohol)! You don't need him, there's more to your life than this boy. Also, please try to keep in mind that you weren't happy when you were friends either, short of dating you it would never be enough and even then, you'd feel hurt whenever he talks to another female friend. 

PS: While people on the autism spectrum can be perfectly nice people it is VERY difficult to have a relationship with them, you have enough insecurities and issues on your own, a relationship with someone who has difficulty with emotional situations would be very unhealthy for you. 

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On 6/29/2018 at 3:17 PM, babyxgothxx said:

Oh dear! How do you survive???? How do you keep cool? This weather over here is bad enough, maybe because we're so used to colder weather lol?

We have the extremes here in the center of the continent...hot and humid summers, very cold winters. I can deal with the cold, but not this heat. I stay in air conditioned places mostly. I'd love to swim in the nearby lake but it's full of blue-green algae from all of the fertilizer run off from people's yards.

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9 hours ago, Sophy said:

Ouch.

The weather here is so darn dry that I just set up our bore water pump to water one of the pastures.

The hose was all tangled up from last summer and intertwined with some weird plants.

It wasn't poison ivy, but it seems it was something similar, cos my entire arms are now covered in big, itchy red weals....

Sigh

: /

Yikes. It's horribly tropical here...way too much rain and very hot weather. Our "heat index" is up around 110 degrees. The air temp is 95, but there's so much humidity that it makes it feel so much worse. I hate summer.

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On 6/29/2018 at 3:51 PM, tamjez said:

I feel so upset. Been working out so much and I see my self looking fat all the time no matter what I do

and at times I over eat and purge and sometimes I don't know what I look like anymore or if my mind is

playing tricks on me. :C

Welcome, Tamjez. You're mind is definitely playing tricks on you. I'll bet you look great.

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42 minutes ago, babyxgothxx said:

Well, I need him back or else I die 💔 

Naaaaah. You and I are going through something similar (though my crush has disappeared for over a year now). We have to move on.

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