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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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Tired, unmotivated.

The past couple of days with Mom's dementia issues - she's off in LaLa Land half the time - and having to take on more responsibility for her have worn me out.  More importantly, I've been unable to address tasks with my own ongoing medical issues.  I'm trying to look at today as a day off, but not very successfully.

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Well...no. That ain't true. You are whatever the opposite of garbage is.

You are a survivor of the first order. As I've said before, you are an inspiration to me, and many others here at DF.

No way we are gonna let you get thrown out!

Thank you.  My brother has been back visiting mom at the hospital.  Mom made the wrong choice helping me in life.  When I was homeless she should have left me to die on the streets.  She should have went to live with my brother so she could have had a good life. I hate myself with everything in me!

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

You and the rest of Earth, apparently. I hope you can avoid your own eruption.

You and I need to move onto other "crushes", eh? Mine has been gone for 14 months now. Gah.

So sorry 😞 Yes we must move on. Crushes are soul crushing sometimes

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not good. abandoned, lonely, angry.... trigger alert (hope I'm doing this well enough)

TRIGGER

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to cut. I got as far as a scrape on my arm. I can't do this . It's going to be noticed by people. I'm just getting so frustrated and I feel ...or I don't feel?? I felt the pain of losing someones for so long, I just lost again and I'm starting to go numb. Thought I was feeling better, but then I started feeling lousy because I still haven't quite found a replacement yet for them. Like, I fear it's all fake or it's an illusion. I'll take it if it's helping me get by, but for the long run, it's quite depressiong. 

Also pretty frustrated with not knowing whether or not I have bipolar or ADHD or what. I want a damn cure!! But what if they tell me nothing is wrong and I just feel miserable like this forever??!! It can't be. 

Edited by anxiousE
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Stuck in analysis paralysis. I can't decide if I should stick with my current psychiatrist or switch. Current one doesn't take insurance and I'm not particularly attached - he just refills the meds I've been on since my previous doctor closed his practice. I want to get off Lamictal (lamotrigine), so it will take more than annual visits for awhile ($$$). But going through the process of changing (new forms, explaining my background, etc.) is tedious. Ugh...  

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Another morning following a night of insomnia. I'm barely conscious but do you think I could sleep? I gobbled 3 gabapentin capsules at once and even that didn't put me out. But it did zombify me even more. I don't think I'm even coherent.

I have a "performance review" this morning as part of my probation that I got put on after working here for almost 30 years. Ya, you betcha, I *do* resent it.

Edited by JD4010
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I had a good night's sleep! (that's the good part)

I'm pretty anxious today though. And as much as I felt some release yesterday, I felt bad for what I'd done. I need a coping mechanism. It used to be exercise, but I'm too out of shape to do the intensity it requires to get that "rush"...plus the anxiety of hurting myself. Some of it is reasonable worry, a lot of it is irrational. 

so yeah, I'm living up to my name today; (anxiouse) *sigh

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Calmer than I've been all week.  Slept well.  (Had a few hours' quality time being "Mommy" 😂 to my 9-year-old cat, Spot). Took my time pulling myself together this morning.  Only a fleeting anxiety attack.  I'm using the day to see what I can do to take care of my home.

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24 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

I had a good night's sleep! (that's the good part)

I'm pretty anxious today though. And as much as I felt some release yesterday, I felt bad for what I'd done. I need a coping mechanism. It used to be exercise, but I'm too out of shape to do the intensity it requires to get that "rush"...plus the anxiety of hurting myself. Some of it is reasonable worry, a lot of it is irrational. 

so yeah, I'm living up to my name today; (anxiouse) *sigh

Hi anxiousE - glad about the sleep, that should help the anxiety if you can keep it up. I found a YouTube channel by Jessica Smith that includes"10 Minute Walk and Talk" videos. I tried a couple - i's low intensity and helps some. (I too used to be very good about exercise, but once out of the habit...) Peace

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Another morning following a night of insomnia. I'm barely conscious but do you think I could sleep? I gobbled 3 gabapentin capsules at once and even that didn't put me out. But it did zombify me even more. I don't think I'm even coherent.

I have a "performance review" this morning as part of my probation that I got put on after working here for almost 30 years. Ya, you betcha, I *do* resent it.

I hope the review went well, JD... sorry that you're having to deal with this crap my friend..

Edited by LonelyHiker
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hopeful

yeah can't believe i said it either,

had a good therapy session today, even she agrees i could try going back to work but she thinks maybe a couple days a week and go from there, what do you all think,      i was going with all in but maybe not a good idea?

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I've given up on my dreams at this point.  I have nothing to fight for anymore.  Mom is gone.  Who really knows what's going to happen.  More than likely this is it for me.  I wake up and sit here alone and wait for bedtime.  There was a brief amount of time when people in real life treated me better but now it's back to being treated like garbage.  I'm not even sure how to put into words how the world treats me.  Just awful.  It's rare to be treated human.  I'm someone that just wants to have a simple happy life with a family of my own but it will never happen.  I'll never go on a date again let alone have a family.  My pursuit of happiness and a good life is over.  I'm not going to stay here and whine though.  I just want people to know I tried as hard as I could and I failed.  In the end after years of fighting I just found out that I'm a monster that doesn't get a happy ending.

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