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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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7 hours ago, surfcaster said:

 i feel tired, insomnia stinks, even on traz i get insomnia sometimes and this stuff usually knocks me out

I had insomnia last night too, in spite of loading up on gabapentin about an hour before going to bed. Some animals were fighting right under my window at 1 a.m. The screaming was horrible. I couldn't sleep after that. Now I am a zombie.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Tell me your secret!

Hmm..well..I’ve been screened for bipolar (there is such a thing as rapid cycle /mixed featured bipolar which seems to be a sub-version of bipolar 2(or it’s just me and my personality traits clashing with a largely dysfunctional world but go and figure), all inconclusive of course. 

In the summer..my mind goes ballistic. I don’t need to sleep as much (sometimes not at all) and I can feel good..but most times it feels more like an anxious/angry/depressed/frusrated/impatient - euphoria. In the winter time I tend to be more depressed. So something seasonal going on for sure. Probably why I want to live in the Carribean. Haha.

I listen to good music(whatever rocks my world at any given moment will do it for me..some of the time at least). Thing is..I relish the highs. It’s not full blown mania, more like hypomania. Music can take me places. Alcohol too. And I get some of the downsides of (hypo)mania too. Spending, risktaking(nothing too serious but still). Right now couldn’t care less.

Yet:

I am constantly dissatisfied with myself and my life. I should be someone else singing to a completely different tune. Yeah. Pretty much who samadhiSheol is if SS actually exists.. go figure.

1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

 

1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I had insomnia last night too, in spite of loading up on gabapentin about an hour before going to bed. Some animals were fighting right under my window at 1 a.m. The screaming was horrible. I couldn't sleep after that. Now I am a zombie.

Take care of yourself, JD. 

Doesn’t look as if I have given up. Or perhaps I have. I don’t know.

oh and BPD. And there was also mention of narcissistic personality disorder too. Years back. So..borderline narcissistic manic depressive. 

Yeah. Could be me. 

Though in my opinion dsm V with it’s penchant for labeling and it’s reductionist approach to the human condition is so much bollocks as is modern psychiatry so they can stuff their diagnoses.

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol
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1 hour ago, babyxgothxx said:

You're welcome :happy: Aww hun, sometimes we, ourselves, can be our worst bullies! You are definitely not a laughing stock. Nobody here in this forum is! You are a fighter that people here respect 💜  

You are an absolute sweetheart!  I think if we knew each other in real life we could be great friends.  You seem like a young version of me.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I had insomnia last night too, in spite of loading up on gabapentin about an hour before going to bed. Some animals were fighting right under my window at 1 a.m. The screaming was horrible. I couldn't sleep after that. Now I am a zombie.

I lay in bed for as long as I can stand to.  Some nights no sleep and some nights a nap then I get angry and start drinking coffee.  The cycle gets worse and worse and the amount of coffee I need grows and grows.

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7 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I've given up. Just going through the motions of this crap we call life.

**** this .

I want out.

I didn't ask to be here so don't say "life is a gift".

Some gift.

The ones who are unfit to live end up taking their lives.

I'll be one of them soon enough. **** this.

 

I feel the EXACT same way. 

I really didn't ask to be here. Living is exaushting and life is nothing but unfair. It's too much pressure. 

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I used to take it to sleep and it helped for a short time and then it was like I was taking nothing.

I feel the same way you do. I failed all my life. My self-esteem is horrible!! I wish I could just disappear from this earth, no one would care anyways..

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I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I can't paint any more. I'm all vented out; which is leaving me playing on my phone.. already stepping back into the behaviour that was partially to blame for the mess I became last week.

Why do I have such little control? Why am I so desperate to give it away to others? 

Otherwise.. I'm not complaining.

🤐

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I'm very lonely through this nightmare but it has to stay that way.  Am I really so selfish and needy that I would pull someone on this sinking ship with me?  No.  Things have gotten much worse today.  I just have to ride out the hurricane now and hope there is something left when it's over.

Edited by sober4life
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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

You are an absolute sweetheart!  I think if we knew each other in real life we could be great friends.  You seem like a young version of me.

Awww thanks! That means a LOT :hugs: Being the young version of you is a huge compliment! I've always strived to become a strong, lovely person - like you! You're the bigger sweetheart

You are right about hiding from the wrong people! It's true, we should stay away from those who bring us down, bully us etc 💜 

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@Singlemom First of all, welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry your partner is treating you like that. You are working full time hours--AND raising 3 kids. Does he work full time?

You have nothing to be sorry for at all. In my opinion, he is being selfish.

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4 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

Awww thanks! That means a LOT :hugs: Being the young version of you is a huge compliment! I've always strived to become a strong, lovely person - like you! You're the bigger sweetheart

You are right about hiding from the wrong people! It's true, we should stay away from those who bring us down, bully us etc 💜 

It's great to find someone like me but I wouldn't want anyone to have a life like I have had.  My life is pretty much over.  Who knows what will happen now.😞

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I feel ungrateful.  More than that i feel empty.  I am successful - i have a roof over my head, i'm married, i have a job, healthcare and I donate to charity, try to volunteer when possible, and try to treat those around me well and be helpful whenever possible.  All of that, and I feel empty. I feel like i don't belong on this planet - like i could disappear and nothing would be different. I don't feel like any of the above matters. I feel guilty because of the way my life is and that someone else would do better with it than me.  I feel invisible and that i am a piece of crap that everyone has to put up with. An eye-sore on the planet.  I lay awake at night and feel guilt. I start my day feeling indifferent, then sink into depression and self-hatred that i hide from everyone behind a fake smile. I sneak away and pump myself full of drugs and alcohol until i feel up to the task of facing people for another day.  The things i used to enjoy don't light me up anymore.  I constantly feel down, despite the cards i've been dealt and the outcome of my work - for that i feel ungrateful. 

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14 minutes ago, birdiexris said:

I feel ungrateful.  More than that i feel empty.  I am successful - i have a roof over my head, i'm married, i have a job, healthcare and I donate to charity, try to volunteer when possible, and try to treat those around me well and be helpful whenever possible.  All of that, and I feel empty. I feel like i don't belong on this planet - like i could disappear and nothing would be different. I don't feel like any of the above matters. I feel guilty because of the way my life is and that someone else would do better with it than me.  I feel invisible and that i am a piece of crap that everyone has to put up with. An eye-sore on the planet.  I lay awake at night and feel guilt. I start my day feeling indifferent, then sink into depression and self-hatred that i hide from everyone behind a fake smile. I sneak away and pump myself full of drugs and alcohol until i feel up to the task of facing people for another day.  The things i used to enjoy don't light me up anymore.  I constantly feel down, despite the cards i've been dealt and the outcome of my work - for that i feel ungrateful. 

OMG! Were you channelling me when you wrote that?? This *precisely* how I feel.

This especially:

Quote

I feel guilty because of the way my life is and that someone else would do better with it than me. 

I'm taking up an entire life that someone else could have done far better with than I have done. On paper, I have so much going for me. Yet I've still failed and let so many people down.  I'm wasting food, air, and water, as well as opportunities and possibilities, that somebody else could have done a lot more with.

I feel empty as well. I'm a helpful person and treat everyone decently.  But I'm still a poor excuse for a human being.

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