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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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I feel sad. I eventully cried in the office before starting my work. Havent been crying for so long (numb). I keep myself busy with work. After work, the sadness reappear. I cant find any reason to feel this way. I want to know the reason, so that I can fix it.

Edited by Camellia
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11 hours ago, kgpremed11 said:

I feel like crap, I feel like a failure because I am a failure.  The fact that I’m a failure isn’t what is bothering me though,  it’s the fact that I’m not strong enough mentally or emotionally to pull myself out of this hole, that bothers me. Normal people reflect and move on. I hate myself for being weak and flawed.  

 

Wow. You must have channelled me when you wrote that. It's exactly how I feel. I'm not strong enough to pull myself out of the hole either. In fact, I seem to be digging the hole deeper.

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I feel out of sorts. Fragile. 

I want it to stop, and I want to go on in this good path I've been following. But I know keeping on the good path, despite feeling this way, will help me grow and solidify good habits. It's so hard to not act on what I feel. But I know it doesn't lead to good things. This new policy does, and will. I know this is an opportunity, and I want to take it. I'm going to continue trying to do right by myself. 

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I can’t stop having crying spells every time I come home i feel an overwhelming sense of despair I wish I could just die but I’m to stupid to go through with it. I feel stuck here and very alone. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY and if I could just snap out of it I would. I’m sick of suffering  when there isn’t a reason for me to. I hate my brain I hate what I have become

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30 minutes ago, Perpetualpineapple said:

I can’t stop having crying spells every time I come home i feel an overwhelming sense of despair I wish I could just die but I’m to stupid to go through with it. I feel stuck here and very alone. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY and if I could just snap out of it I would. I’m sick of suffering  when there isn’t a reason for me to. I hate my brain I hate what I have become

Very understandable. Many of us on this board have or are feeling the same way.

I'm sorry that it's affecting you like this too. :console:

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A real rarity for me this YEAR so far, I'm actually having a good, productive day.  (One thing I've rediscovered this year is that a cup of coffee in the morning, a habit I ditched years ago, helps considerably more than any downside).

My estimate for car repairs was off the charts, so I reluctantly started shopping with a limited budget.  A few got away, but found one, did a drive/inspection this morning and I'm happy with it.  Satisfied with the price.  Best news was that CarMax gave me several hundred more on the old car than I expected.  Mechanical inspection scheduled tomorrow.

However, at my age/experience, I keep my expectations in check on something like this...which, frankly, is a bit stressful (hypervigilant for disappointment).  At this point, so far, so good.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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@kgpremed11

Quote

Normal people reflect and move on

ive used this expression many times. thinking about it now.. what do you think it means to be 'normal'?

i assure you everyone in the world is 'messed up' in one way or another. the richest person in the world still suffers and thinks they lack in some form.

Edited by AF2018
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57 minutes ago, AF2018 said:

i assure you everyone in the world is 'messed up' in one way or another. the richest person in the world still suffers and thinks they lack in some form.

I'd love to find out what being financially set for life would do for my "mood". I worry every day how I'm going to get my daughter through college and still feed my cats. As it stands now, I will not be able to retire until I croak. And then they will probably resurrect me and make me work 20 more years.

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I've always thought they would develop a pill to make us live forever and force me to take it the day before I planned on ending my life.  I hate my life so much right now.  There is no hope anymore.  It's over at this point but my stupid mind won't let me give up.

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20 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I'd love to find out what being financially set for life would do for my "mood". I worry every day how I'm going to get my daughter through college and still feed my cats. As it stands now, I will not be able to retire until I croak. And then they will probably resurrect me and make me work 20 more years.

life is definitely difficult. When a rich person commits suicide (like a famous rock / movie star), its common to hear average people tout, "What could have been so bad in their life?? They had EVERYTHING!".. so in cases like this.. the pain and suffering felt from that rich person is completely minimized almost to the point where a stigma is formed that money = happiness. Of course, if it were so simple, they wouldn't have committed suicide.

having all the money in the world would help your situation monetarily, but life stresses would come in another form. if being rich was so easy, and money made all the cares of the world pass away, a 2012 study would not have found that suicide is actually more prevalent in rich neighborhoods because of the endless stresses of trying to keep up with the joneses. 

People who dont have lots of money rightfully argue their life sucks because they dont have money to pay for basic necessities. growing up i was so poor, i thought everyone played with cardboard for toys. i didnt find out until later that my parents couldnt afford toys so they would give me boxes to make things.

 

 

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I’m stuck in a plethora of emotions I can’t even describe. Sometimes I fall into what I call a depression pang. And this dark cloud could come and go within one day. If I had to describe it as a downward spiral or a black hole I’ve fallen into with 1 being almost out and 10 being deep in, I would say it’s a 4.

My depression has improved drastically over the years but days like today frustrate me fervently. I’m so much better not suicidal, and have a lot of will to do good. But I’m stuck on my couch in fetal position not knowing *** to do with myself and feelings I can’t describe but certainly not good and I know coming from depression. I just want to be normal and happy and be productive and  live my life. But I feel stuck. I have so much to do and so much life I want to live. And then all of a sudden I find myself here again. This morning was a little productive but now idk how long this will last or when it will end or when I find the will to keep going and doing what I need to today. I have so much to do because these depression pangs slow me down. 

Then I start to feel unhealthily needy and want someone to save me, hug me, smother me with love, hold my hand, and tell me/make me do what I need to feel a life worth living. 

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Have you ever had something good happen only because something much worse has happened (and the good thing is sort of a consolation for the not so good thing)? I have, today. I want to feel happy about the good thing, but all I can see is how it came about through manipulative tactics...and the loss of something that I really, really valued (even more than the good thing). So I can't really be happy about the good thing....yet.

Right now, I feel a bit sick to my stomach, tired, used...

Edited by cassis_creme
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10 hours ago, WordsInTheWind said:

Hopeless, and lonelier than I have ever been.

That sucks. I'm sorry. I wish I could say something that isn't so obvious as "that sucks".

All I can do is commiserate. Even around people I feel lonely. Maybe even more than when I'm alone.

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We are having another April snowstorm today. I'm strangely exhilarated by that because we may be getting "thunder snow", which is when the storm is strong enough that there's actually lightning and thunder accompanying it. I've heard of snow tornadoes before but haven't seen one in real life. I'd love to experience a non-destructive one.

I enjoy "weather". except for heat and humidity.

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Just got back from a session with the Pdoc. It went well. I'm fairly upbeat, for now anyway.

On the way back, I was thinking about how I throw barriers in front of myself. Here's a typical example:

1. I want to go on a road trip this summer, by myself.

2. Someone has to take care of my cats.

3. I would be embarrassed to have anyone in my apartment because it is such a dump

4. I need to clean my apartment.

5. That takes one helluva lot of effort. I'm "too tired" when I get home from work.

6. I'll need to spend vacation days cleaning.

6. Someone has to drive my daughter to/from work while I'm gone (she's legally blind)

7. All kinds of crap will build up at work while I'm gone. I will come back to 200 voicemails and emails

8. Oh, screw it. I'm not going anywhere. Too much effort. Not worth the hassle.

 

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Ugh, work is really hard today. My brain is taxed -- it hurts -- OY! They just gave me more responsibility, which is awesome and I am thrilled, but man is it a challenge! I guess I'm really earning my keep -- lol.

Today I want to curl up with the kitty cats purring next to me watching movies. That's all I want to do right now.

 

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