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How Do You Feel Right Now #6


Natasha1

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On 4/28/2018 at 6:31 AM, sober4life said:

Right now my life is like the part of the Lord of the Rings when the tree starts to bloom in the courtyard.  It's at the very worst part of the story where all hope seems lost but this where everything begins to turn around for the better.  I finally know everything is going to work out.  I feel very hopeful because I finally see a way out of this.

Oh, hey! That sounds great. I wish the very best for you.

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18 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I have come to realize that I am addicted to a toxic friendship that must end.  It hurts, because I believed she loved me, as a friend, but, it is way too complicated and, mostly, makes me feel horrible.  Please send me some strength to let it go.  I think I have the strength in myself, by any extra for you folks, my friends, would help!!!

I wish you the very best my friend. I'm still reeling from a relationship that went south over a year ago. I think I'd be better off if I simply lost all emotion. Joy is such an exceedingly rare occurrence in my life that I could give it up in exchange for not feeling like sh!t all of the time.

Not feeling anything at all would be a blessed relief.

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Filled with dread. It's Sunday afternoon, which means Monday morning will be coming on shortly. I have so many things giving me massive anxiety at work, not the least of which is my boss. That guy is driving me quite mental. I don't know what to do besides put up with it. I can't really change jobs because of the financial situation I'm in after the divorce. I have to work here for 7 more years at a minimum and I'll be 65 at that point. I certainly can't make it that long. I may not even make it until tomorrow.

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You won't make it 7 more years in your situation.  I won't make it 7 more years in my situation either.  I will get to see my brother in June that I haven't seen in years and mom's birthday is in the last part of June after that I'm out of here.  I want to walk down to the road beside my house and stick out my thumb and get picked up by some old hippies and then a Cheech and Chong type movie begins.  Wherever I would end up would be better than here.

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33 minutes ago, sober4life said:

You won't make it 7 more years in your situation.  I won't make it 7 more years in my situation either.  I will get to see my brother in June that I haven't seen in years and mom's birthday is in the last part of June after that I'm out of here.  I want to walk down to the road beside my house and stick out my thumb and get picked up by some old hippies and then a Cheech and Chong type movie begins.  Wherever I would end up would be better than here.

Hahaha. Make sure you stop and pick me up too. I'd love to be part of a Cheech and Chong movie.

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On 4/28/2018 at 10:02 AM, RiverLight said:

This morning I was crying with tears of gratitude. I am in disbelief right now. My boyfriend treats me SO well, like gold, and I am utterly and completely blown away.

I have dealt with SO much crap from SO many men over the years -- some serious, serious abuse. Over and over and over again - I've been called every nasty horrible name in the book and then some. I've been beaten up verbally to a pulp, made to feel an inch small by many, many men.

This morning I couldn't remember the last time I dated a truly nice man. Well, I've found one and I am pretty floored. I figured that I would end up always being abused -- that this was my destiny and path.... that somehow I was born to be abused and mistreated. And right now I'm wondering what I've done to deserve this man. A small part of me feels undeserving, and that must be the part of me that is damaged.

Right now he is taking care of my long neglected car for me. He works with cars so he knows all about this stuff, which I don't. But that's not all -- he brings me flowers, he showers me with love, kindness and loving affection all the time... he truly loves me, and shows it to me each and every day.

I am just truly grateful he came into my life. I've prayed for this for years, and it never happened. Guess it's still hard to believe. Guess I am in complete awe of this drastic turnaround and event in my life. The universe works in mysterious ways for sure.

I’m feeling really s***ty but this is so nice to read and cheered me up. I’m jealous and so, so happy for you. We all deserve love and good things in life. I’ve been looking for this type of relationship, too. I’m tormented by my failure of a love life. But this gives me hope. Wishing you the best now and always!

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Having a “mini episode” since waking up and it’s ruining my day. I wanted to be cared for/smothered with love earlier today to stop being depressed. I felt like being dead; I hate this thought because after my suicide attempt, it particularly scares me. I have malaise and wanna pull myself together because I have so much to do but the depression bug has hit me hard and I’m plopped on my couch contemplating how to jump out of the dark hole; I’m at a loss. 

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6 minutes ago, Wild Orchid Eileen said:

I’m concerned for you and wishing you well. :icon12:

Thank you!:icon12:I'm a survivor.  I keep saying that maybe to try to convince myself more than anything.  I was born into a hurricane and it's a miracle I am still here.

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4 minutes ago, Wild Orchid Eileen said:

Having a “mini episode” since waking up and it’s ruining my day. I wanted to be cared for/smothered with love earlier today to stop being depressed. I felt like being dead; I hate this thought because after my suicide attempt, it particularly scares me. I have malaise and wanna pull myself together because I have so much to do but the depression bug has hit me hard and I’m plopped on my couch contemplating how to jump out of the dark hole; I’m at a loss. 

That sounds like me I always want to be smothered with love.  I've had a strong love addiction my whole life.  Most of the time I am as depressed as Kurt Cobain was.

Edited by sober4life
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1 minute ago, sober4life said:

Thank you!:icon12:I'm a survivor.  I keep saying that maybe to try to convince myself more than anything.  I was born into a hurricane and it's a miracle I am still here.

I am certain it’s true so keep telling yourself that! Remember if you survived the hurricane you can survive the storms. I believe in you!

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1 minute ago, sober4life said:

That sounds like me I always want to be smothered with love.  I've had a strong love addiction my whole life.  Most of the time I am as depressed as Kurt Cobain was.

Everything you just said is EXACTLY my story. I’m working hard on my love addiction but it still sucks. I’ve even gone to SLAA meetings. I love love. And I was just telling someone the other day that I identified mostly with the music around the time of my birth- grunge. 

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1 hour ago, Wild Orchid Eileen said:

Everything you just said is EXACTLY my story. I’m working hard on my love addiction but it still sucks. I’ve even gone to SLAA meetings. I love love. And I was just telling someone the other day that I identified mostly with the music around the time of my birth- grunge. 

I listened to that type of music in high school.  I was 15 when Kurt died.  There have been many celebrities that were pretty much me exactly not just Kurt.  Marilyn Monroe and Amy Whinehouse too but I'm sober now and determined to show the world I don't have to go out like they did.

Edited by sober4life
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11 hours ago, Wild Orchid Eileen said:

I’m feeling really s***ty but this is so nice to read and cheered me up. I’m jealous and so, so happy for you. We all deserve love and good things in life. I’ve been looking for this type of relationship, too. I’m tormented by my failure of a love life. But this gives me hope. Wishing you the best now and always!

hI Wild Orchid Eileen! Welcome to DF.

I am so glad this gives you some hope. Seriously, if I can find love, after years of abuse, you can too. It IS possible!!! Wishing you the best as well!!

 

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I am trying out something new. In the mornings, I am doing a sort of meditation. Well, it's not exactly meditation per se, but I put on soothing ocean waves on Youtube projected onto the TV with beautiful beach and ocean views, I light candles and incense and I just breathe in the peacefulness of it all for a while. This is to soothe my anxiety around work and it works wonders for me.

I am trying to manage my stress and anxiety better. I have not managed this well in the past and have had unhealthy coping mechanisms. So I am trying this route now instead. So far, I really like it!

 

 

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21 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

People pi ss me off. They drain me too. There said it.

They always have really. It just took 50 years or so to realize it.

Good on you for saying it!

Keep going.

I agree that most ppl suck.

I adore spending time on my own. Or being in nature on my own. Or spending time with animals.

People bore me. They are so predictable. They almost NEVER have anything interesting to say.

Most of the time, when I interact with people, I switch into a kind of "social worker" role. I listen to their (boring) troubles and politely respond in a constructive manner. But that is just the role I play.

(EDIT: This does not apply to DF. I am here voluntarily and find what people say on DF interesting, which is why I respond and I genuinely care.)

In normal life, with "normal folks", what I want to do INSIDE is yell and scream and run away and hide behind the nearest tree or rock or building until the coast is clear.

My life's dream has always been to live in a national park in a ranger's hut, or live in a forest in a hut, all by myself.

Bliss.

I could do Thoreau's Walden Pond a thousand times over.

People are the single most annoying species on the planet.

They massively grate on my nerves.

When I was younger, I felt weird for feeling that way. I thought I was too misanthropic.

Now I think it's fine. It's just who I am...  : )

Edited by Sophy
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20 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

People pi ss me off. They drain me too. There said it.

They always have really. It just took 50 years or so to realize it.

Keep venting.

Get it all out.

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1 hour ago, Sophy said:

Keep venting.

Get it all out.

That is all I have been doing the whole time I’ve been on df. 

All an exercise in futility. It changes nothing at all. If anything it makes me more desperate, suicidal and more certain that life is pointless and just not worth it. I’m screwed whatever I do. 

I’m probably just gaining momentum to do the inevitable with all this ranting and venting. 

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