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Natasha1

How Do You Feel Right Now #6

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How do you feel right now? New thread.

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sober4life     8,819
 

 

  1 hour ago, Natasha1 said:

@UnicornFire @sober4life @Dolphin2013

i love you guys. Thank you. You are right on a lot of things. And its not so simple, the kid being a part of it and we do have love for each other i do know that. He hates himself too so im not sure how to help with that. He is also extremeky stressed from wirk ongoing without getting enough time off.

But yeah i never know where im at with him.

Everyone is stressed from work if they work.  There is no good excuse to be abusive.  He constantly is playing games and letting you have no way of winning those games.  You can't win with someone like him.  Someone like him has to win every argument and have control of everyone in his life.  You deserve to be happy and happiness is impossible in that situation.

anxiousE     0
I'm feeling very bad right now. Had the perfect atmosphere for writing, but couldn't do it because of anxious energy. Well I took care of that, but I'm really depressed now and afraid I lost that time. I have to calm this anxiety and sneak in some writing or just give it up and try not to pout. My day is ruined though! Is what I kept saying. And it is-moodwise anyway. Everything is crap. I feel like crap. I'm feeling a mixed episode of bipolar. Wanting it to just all go away because of my frustration. (Does this need a trigger warning or is that only specific things.) It's only thoughts and it's superficial. I'm more just p***** about the ruined day. Maybe it's salvageable, but I'm afraid to risk it. Gotta  be sneaky and just use my notebook to jot ideas (I'd prefer the computer though so its all in one place and I don't have to type it (read over it) a second time. Bleh)

In short, I'm upset and nervous and frustrated, but trying to work through it.

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46 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

I feel like the usual, I wish I was never BORN ! This illness is so brutal, cruel, and inhumane.

 

43 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Meh, Blah, Phooey, Spit, and @$#^!

Both of you, hugs. I wish i could help in some way . Thinking of you guys (and you other DF folks too!)

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1 hour ago, salparadise6132 said:

Meh, Blah, Phooey, Spit, and @$#^!

That's an accurate assessment for my current condition as well. I can't even get the simplest task finished today. Far too much "meh".

I did go for a walk in the snowstorm though...it was refreshing, actually. But now I have returned to full "meh" mode.

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high anxiety stemming from multiple fronts, losing the battle to control an off and on anger issue and nothings working this time, getting weaned off of a medicine for a nerve issue in my neck because it was making depression and suicide thoughts worse thus withdrawl symptoms right now, so guess i've been better

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Better now.  But it took four rye and cokes.  Sad, but, this seems to be the way it is.

I can't change, get healthier, it seems.  Life is far too cold and cruel and empty without this escape.

Far too cold.

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4 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Better now.  But it took four rye and cokes.  Sad, but, this seems to be the way it is.

I can't change, get healthier, it seems.  Life is far too cold and cruel and empty without this escape.

Far too cold.

Yes. Far too cold indeed. I cannot work up any enthusiasm for anything. I'm trapped.

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Hope you guys feel good too dont let bad things get the best of you guys your better then that I know it's hard but sometimes give yourself a break and reward it by doing something you like 😄😄

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I think I talked too much and I talked like a crazy person after this meeting today. It was a mandatory all-staff meeting 5-7pm on Sunday.  That's it. It feels like punishment and the person I was chatting with was from NYC originally and she listened to me, but she was trying to talk about her political beliefs (left wing) and I wanted to agree wholeheartedly, but just didn't feel courageous enough to.

So I waffled. And felt like I sounded insane. I wish I could say I liked these work meetings, but they really suck. I had the day off--and to have to end a day off with s h i t like this...I mean that's what I wanted to complain about really.

Okay. Going to brush my teeth and go to sleep, I hope.

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Hopeful. I'm getting better day by day. Things are getting better. 

I'm finally going after what I want, and letting go of what isn't my problem or within my control. The freedom and the peace is indescribable. :) 

I know it'll take time. Day by day...

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Unusually social Saturday for me, Sunday to recover...and, at the moment, don't feel I have it in me to do what I need to do this week.  Only a few major items, the first of which is a new pair of tennies and I can't even get myself out the door.  Yeah, it feels that bad.

Heading back to bed - lousy sleep last night - and I'll see if I'm better later.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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1 hour ago, UnicornFire said:

Hopeful. I'm getting better day by day. Things are getting better. 

I'm finally going after what I want, and letting go of what isn't my problem or within my control. The freedom and the peace is indescribable. :) 

I know it'll take time. Day by day...

I need to learn that "secret". I can't seem to let go, let alone go after something better.

I've been having this meditation at night where I think about how grateful I am to be living in my place alone. It's a dump but it's my dump. I have my kitties and a roof over my head.

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Today has to be one of my strongest days. Not only that today was the first day back into college since 3 weeks... Seeing my crush, back to the whole setting, loud class... I was acting normal the entire time, while I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep last night - at all! We had a mental health class downstairs, later. My crush's gf was there the entire time which made him avoid me completely... She's not supposed to be there on Mondays but she turns up anyway... She may be guessing that I like him! Fair enough for him to avoid me... I wish I would stop making a fool of myself and actually liked guys who were single... Oh, wait... No, they would reject me too, no matter how confident, how well I dress or put on makeup! I'm an undateable, ugly, foolish forever-a-loner that should k-ll herself. I wish I didn't tell my crush that I liked him; now I look like the rejected, loner fool all over again! 

Plus the mental health subject alone was enough to make me terribly emotional - talking about triggering stuff like "harming,"  "s--cide" etc... I was so close to crying today - but didn't!!! I know crying isn't weak but damn... It was terribly hard fighting back those tears... It would've been inappropriate to cry at that moment anyway... I just wanted/want to d-e, like I've been all month...

Funny that they had to talk about this wile I am having a H-ll month!!! Maybe it is predicting something terrible to happen? Hopefully something horribly tragic would happen to me so I can finally be at peace... Sad, I think I don't deserve death but that's the only way out of this mess... Sorry if that sounds selfish! I don't want to make my family heartbroken. That's the only reason why I am still alive.

 

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I second what jd4010 said, 

It might not seem like it now but you have a whole beautiful life ahead of you to live, it's always darkest just before dawn,  keep smilin and doin what makes you happy

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im feeling pretty good. long day. i was assaulted several dozen times years and years ago (decades ago) so i have a unique perspective having learned to cope from, and find strength from said experiences. im here to help others.

Edited by AF2018
i forgot a letter

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2 hours ago, Asta said:

I'm getting very angry about how today is going.  

Wow. Sorry. Hope it gets better. Or if it doesn't, then tomorrow it will.

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I feel like crap, I feel like a failure because I am a failure.  The fact that I’m a failure isn’t what is bothering me though,  it’s the fact that I’m not strong enough mentally or emotionally to pull myself out of this hole, that bothers me. Normal people reflect and move on. I hate myself for being weak and flawed.  

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15 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@babyxgothxx I can say with complete certainty that you are not ugly nor undateable. I know that is not the case.

We here at DF don't want you to die.

I agree completely!

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It's the same as last year at this time.  I'm staying sober and doing well at work.  All the work I do is monkey's work though.  This is all the better I can do at 39.  I'm a loser.  I feel like the joke of the family.  I'm barely keeping it together at this point.

Edited by sober4life

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22 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I need to learn that "secret". I can't seem to let go, let alone go after something better.

I've been having this meditation at night where I think about how grateful I am to be living in my place alone. It's a dump but it's my dump. I have my kitties and a roof over my head.

No secret. It's about retraining your brain. Your emotions can take some time to follow. It was really hard getting started, but I've made stops and starts for years. It's easier now, and it really works. My emotions are still in the process, but my heart is growing healthier the more I keep at it. 

The great thing about changing mental habits is that the benefits are inevitable if you just keep at it. The keeping at it is sometimes grueling hard work, in terms of going against what you feel like doing.

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Feel mildly depressed, but I think it's hormonal. Depressed in a sort of physical way. Just tired and out of it all day. My mind has been somewhere else the whole time. 

I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed with things that need my attention, but aren't urgent. I think it's my mind's habit of finding things to discourage me. But now it's more transparently irrational, and easier to dismiss. 

Meditating is helping loads. 10 days in a row now!

Keeping my resolutions, and that feels good. 

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