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Most recent depression flare


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Okay, here it goes.

I have been dating someone, on again off again for about 2 1/2 years, for a year it was hit or miss if and when we would even talk to one another, let alone see each other. We decided to make it official and that lasted a couple of months. He encouraged me to stay off my meds because we wanted a family and he highly rejected his significant other being on them while pregnant, I was fine with this, I've done it before and managed it fine with exercise.

Needless to say, I became stressed. Between working and going to school full time, my daily stressers and trying maintaining a healthy mind, I shut down. I got to the point where I couldn't process things, I was sooo overwhelmed with everything. He's a very critical person so I became terrified of his words that I ignored myself and ultimately I lost myself. Long story short, I pushed him away, I legitimately couldn't talk because  I couldn't think, he broke up with me (by this time the third or fourth time). I immediately was fulled with peace. I didn't cry- I tried and I couldn't! I was happy. I got my rear to the doctor, I had some really bad GI issues going on and within 12 hours of being back on my antidepressant, EVERYTHING CLEARED UP! I was on cloud nine. My work performance improved, just everything in my life was on square one again.

Well, when the holidays rolled around, I started to miss him, a little more everyday. I figured it was my conscious just healing itself since I was so damaged when we broke-up that it didn't effect me and i was now going through that grieving process. Christmas rolled around and I looked down on my phone, I received a text from him. I haven't heard from him in about 6 months and there it was. I stared for a few minutes and debated if i should even respond, I did. Next thing I know we met over dinner and hit it off again. We didn't talk for about a week after we saw each other and one day I just became overwhelmed with feelings i couldn't stop crying at work, I was a wreck, so I text him. I confessed my feelings for him. Something we have never done, I told him how much I think about him, how much I loved him and I missed him. I never got a response. I was pretty emotional for a few days after that. Then about another week later I look at my phone and he had text me and said, "I love you, I miss you and I like you". The next day he calls me and we talk, we want each other back and there it was.

Jumping forward to this past week. He(We) are terrible with communicating (not everything is entirely his fault). He lives 2 hours away and we've talked before about making time for each other a couple times a week to talk on the phone... I text him and called him this past Friday and Saturday. Everything to good morning and goodnight to telling him that we need to talk soon (I tried to give him some space because I knew he has family in town), I sent him pictures (got my hair done and showed him) and all i got were crickets, absolutely nothing. Not a text, not a returned phone call, nothing. So Sunday rolls around and he texts me Happy Easter, I never responded. I got busy and left my phone at home. My grandpa ended up having a heart attack and passing away, I handled it. Monday, I text him and asked him again when would be a good time to chat. I also told him I loved him and missed him but being just an option isn't working for me anymore. His response to me was, "Your message yesterday was loud and clear. I'm sorry it didn't work out, take care", and that was it. I felt a flood of emotions, I was sad, I was angry, I was devastated, of course I blamed myself. I explained to him with a text that it was a crazy day, I apologized for not responding to his message. I told him this is not fair, that he can ignore me for days, but if I ignore him he's through with the relationship. I left it at that for the time being, of course I didn't get a response, wasn't expecting one. This is where my depression got the best of me. 

I felt hopeless, I felt I wasn't enough, I felt like my opportunity to have what I want expired when his desire for me evaporated. I felt like my life was over. I was planning to take my life while I sat at work. I got home and I text my mom and told her I loved her and that I was sorry. Right then and there I ran out of tears. I text him one last time, I told him the details, the series of events about my Easter Sunday, about my grandpa passing, and I closed out the text with I love you and no response. That text took me off the ledge of self destruction. 

In hindsight, I look at his words versus actions and looked at the patterns. SHAME ON ME for tolerating this for so long. The sad part? I don't think he's done. The pattern suggests he's going to come crawling back and telling me everything I want to hear. It stings, the way he did it, the rejection... as it should. The good thing? And maybe pathetic? I met someone yesterday. Too soon? I've never EVER been the one to jump from relationship to relationship. Honestly, I enjoy my alone time and space. Is it coincidence? It is His way of telling me I deserve to be a priority, rather than the option? Is He showing me to listen to him? I know a lot of people do not follow His words and I apologize about that. I'm at a loss, I want to be loved, I want a family one day and from this experience I learned that patterns have more weight than words and actions. Am I overthinking? Is it too soon? I do not want to set myself up to have another flare by being so giddy about meeting someone with such ease.

Thank you for reading, a little longer than I anticipated, haha

 

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You're overthinking! Just take your time and see where it takes you. You just met this new guy, could be a 2-date situation or the love of your life, only one way of finding out... There's no mandatory cool-down period, life just happens. Just make sure you don't get too emotionally invested right away, you don't really know him yet, resist the temptation to idealize him, get to know him first. 

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Hello mazeedog0518

I think small steps are best, don't rush into anything but certainly entertain anything that makes you happy, trust your gut feelings, do whats best for you whatever that is and you shouldn't settle for good enough

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Youre actually much stronger than you believe you are. I noticed sevral dozen times in your post that you seem to put the blame for other's responses on yourself. 

What interests me is that..

1. Youre willing to talk about it here
2. You have qualities in yourself that attracts others to you. Many people dont have this.
3. Its very obvious to myself that your past partners, although they may not come across this way, actually see themselves as weak individuals and are trying to use your personal strength to make themselves feel better.

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On 4/11/2018 at 1:34 PM, MayzeeDog0518 said:

@AF2018 thank you so much for the response.

I'm curious about #2 and how you came up with that? Reason being, I feel like I push people away rather than attract them.

And thank you for your kind words!

Theres a lot going on in that sentence of yours, "I feel like I push people away rather than attract them".

'Feel' and an 'action' are two different things (often interchanged as the same even though they are not).

How are you today? "I feel ok"
What do you want to do today? "I feel we should stay home."

Both sentences sound correct but only one is. We can 'feel' something whether good or bad, but feeling is not an action.

You say you feel like you push people away. Ok, thats fine. but you feeling this way doesnt cause someone to push you away. stick with me here.

Do you, 'MayzeeDog0518' know for an absolute fact that you are the cause of people pushing you away? 
Do you truly believe that because you are 'you'... that people run from you for no other reason than the fact that you are .. 'you'?

Although you may think so, you actually have an innate ability to recognize whats going on, but your mindset hinders you from accepting the truth for what it is.

Above, you said, "He(We) are terrible with communicating." Notice you didnt say "I am terrible with communicating." You said WE. small word, yet very important.

 You also said, "not everything is entirely his fault." 

Lastly, you said, "of course I blamed myself."

So.. lets do the math:

Both of you are terrible at communicating + not everything is his fault = of course I blamed myself.

Looking at it like this, it simply doesnt add up. poor communication is common in many relationships, even healthy relationships. communication takes time and effort.

Go ahead and re-read your original Post. im fairly confident you never said, "..and not everything is my fault either" (you never said this).

See how your focus is on self-blame? When you get in a stressful situation, you immediately place the blame on yourself even though you yourself admitted, "He(We) are terrible with communicating." Key word 'We'. Therefore, if the addends of the equation are wrong, then the sum (blaming yourself) is also wrong. In other words, the situation wasnt your fault, and your fault alone. 

As humans, we arent perfect. im not perfect, your friends arent perfect, youre not perfect. and this is great because if we were born perfect, life would be worthless. There wouldnt be a need to learn, to experience new things, to laugh at our mistakes, or to strive for better.

So what does this have to do with anything?  You asked, "I'm curious about #2 and how you came up with that?"

Above, I said, "2. You have qualities in yourself that attracts others to you. Many people dont have this."

You see, our imperfections are the things which ultimately draw our future husbands and wives to find us, not our outward beauty, money, or fame. Personal beauty and youth is initially used while dating, but once we get to know the other person enough, we reveal to them our secrets, our fears, our anxieties. In the end, the person who is meant to be with us will accept us and love us because of our weaknesses; not despite our weaknesses. The guy you were talking about above was not the right person for you.

When you date someone, and the relationship doesnt work out, 1. its never 100% your fault, 2. I wouldnt want to date someone knowing they love me 'despite my anxiety', would you? I would want to date someone who loves me because they love me; which includes my anxiety.

Although Ive only read a couple of your posts, i can tell you have a lot of vitality and that you have much to offer in a relationship. It appears you tend to focus on your faults rather than your strengths (if im wrong, let me know). You personally do not 'push people away'. You're simply dating the wrong person. How do you find the right person? Patience and by being yourself. (many people now-a-days dont have patience for a netflix commercial to end, yet along waiting for the right person).

The issue here is that you are/were in the wrong relationship. Learn from my mistakes.. dont waste your energy in a relationship with someone who isnt willing to accept you for who you are. If God is important to you, be sure that your partner also hold that same importance in his own life.

The most important thing to understand is that you weren't put on earth to be sure your boyfriend is happy (not saying you think this, just saying in general). You are a priority in the eyes of God, and God wants you to be treated as such by a guy someday.  Your original post was written 7 days ago, so i dont know any updates with this new guy you found, but more than likely its too soon. of course, this is the opinion of a complete stranger so take it with a grain of salt.

Edited by AF2018
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@AF2018, wow. You were spot on with everything. The new relationship, yes; way too soon. 

And thank you for seeing it how it really is. Sometimes it's hard to ask friends and loved ones because they're biased to me and that doesn't help the bottom line truth. You are SO SO SO insightful and intelligent! 

I love that you took the time to break it down for me, I can be very hard on myself and yes- when something goes wrong I turn in and think to myself, "What did I do wrong because I want to learn and grow and not repeat it in my next relationship". People that are in complete denial and blame others drive me nuts, so maybe I overcompensate to achieve something that I strive not to become. 

Thank you for responding, I mean it more than I could say.

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Thanks for being willing to write your original thoughts. i know its not easy.

Its always good to want to improve ourselves, and youre definitely on the right track. Just be careful, as you said earlier, "he's going to come crawling back and telling me everything I want to hear." he may not, but if he does, just remember 'actions speak louder than words'.

Most wars, battles, and coups all started from someone spreading sweet lies.

Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain was lied to by hitler, "Peace for our time.".. a year later WW2 broke out.

Even in the Bible, Absalom lied to people entering the city by using his charm and telling them all of their worries would disappear if he was made king over his father King David.

The most important thing for you to focus on is you. In any early relationship, your #1 priority, your #1 job is to be sure that you are happy. Once you realize the man you are with is capable of selflessly making you happy because he loves you (not because he has to), then you can focus on companionship, dating, marriage, kids, and a load of debt (kids are expensive) :grinning:.

It sounds selfish, but thats the main reason why so many young people get hurt. They think they need to make their partner happy in order to keep the relationship going. Relationships are like a balance scale. If one person is getting all of the attention, love, and affection... it aint gonna be level. 

 

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8 hours ago, tracyistrying said:

In my personal experience, long distance relationships can be tough.  I agree with others here that you are strong.  Just please stay on your medication and don't give up on life and love.

Thank you dear! Appreciate it!

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