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Living with an emotionaly abusive mother as an adult


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I'm 25. I cannot remember any good memory with my mom. like  there's that blank empty spot in my life. All I can remember from my childhood is that, Our mother would  hit us,  at first it was ok because it is part of our culture..corporal punishment.  I remember I would run  to my grandmas house crying. That is all. I was afraid of her. She's nice to other people though.

I moved back  to my parents after college,  I had a job, I've been working since after I graduated from college. So I moved back and play the traditional role of the big sister helping my parents with some of the finance for some time. Today my mother blamed me for drinking up all the coffee (breakfast, dinner, midnight..really mom?). She saw me drinking "Milo" and started accusing me the moment she arrived home.  tried to tell her I don't drink all the coffee,  i really snapped because for the past months that I have been here , she blames me for everything and never sees anything good about me. I really try hard to talk to her like an adult, but all she does is tell me to shut up. SHUT UP! I explain and tell her how it hurts  to hear that from her.  I kept going , and she got the broom and raised it against  me...treating me like a kid . wow mom.  WOW.  i pushed her away because I was so angry and emotional like, What the hell are you doing mom ?!! I'm  an adult  can't you listen and talk  to me  in a formal manner?JUST FOR ONCE. and she hit me with the broom twice.  She also threatened  me  that  she'll  throw boiling water at me if I don't stop. She would talk to me  my siblings, my dad like we owe her our lives. She would dismiss  intense situations  saying " if you don't like my conditions, leave MY house!! ". She likes  always being right, even uses our catholic faith to make everyone in the house feel bad about ones self. She would also use  her job " as a teacher  to defend herself and make herself more righteous.   I  am also a teacher myself,  and I teach children with special need. One time my mom told me "  you don't  understand  children in the regular school, because your students are dumb and kids who can't speak". That really hurt me professional wise and as her daughter.  

She would also bring up how my grandma  secretly hates me and that  i am one of the reasons she got sick(my grandma has diabetes, 93 and alive but had to  bed ridden because of oxygen tubes), i dunno if its true, but hearing it hurt.  Sometimes i'm starting to believe i am good for nothing.  That  everything is my fault. but a part of me doesn't want to believe ..so this internal conflict leaves me confused and in pain. I started distancing myself to people. I don't know what to do.  I want to leave so bad. 

 

I thought being good in school, going to college, having a job would make my mom  change. I guess NOT.  

 

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7 hours ago, moon09 said:
7 hours ago, moon09 said:

Regarding your statement:

I thought being good in school, going to college, having a job would make my mom  change. I guess NOT.  

You shouldn't be blaming yourself and you are not responsible for your Mother's behavior.  She is only going to change when she sees the need to change and does the necessary work and from what you  said about her, I don't see anything to make me believe that she wants to change.  It sounds like she is a bully and has been bullying all of you, your Dad included, for so long that she thinks she can do or say anything cause no one is going to stand up to her.  

Yes, you are an adult.  If she can't see that and respect you and your accomplishments, it is okay for you to find other living arrangements.  

Also, I recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.  Just because she is your Mom doesn't mean she should be allowed to treat you that way.

Saying a prayer for you to find the courage and strength to make the changes you need to make so that you can see that you are a valuable person who deserves better.

 

 

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, moon09 said:
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I'm 25. I cannot remember any good memory with my mom. like  there's that blank empty spot in my life. All I can remember from my childhood is that, Our mother would  hit us,  at first it was ok because it is part of our culture..corporal punishment.  I remember I would run  to my grandmas house crying. That is all. I was afraid of her. She's nice to other people though.

I moved back  to my parents after college,  I had a job, I've been working since after I graduated from college. So I moved back and play the traditional role of the big sister helping my parents with some of the finance for some time. Today my mother blamed me for drinking up all the coffee (breakfast, dinner, midnight..really mom?). She saw me drinking "Milo" and started accusing me the moment she arrived home.  tried to tell her I don't drink all the coffee,  i really snapped because for the past months that I have been here , she blames me for everything and never sees anything good about me. I really try hard to talk to her like an adult, but all she does is tell me to shut up. SHUT UP! I explain and tell her how it hurts  to hear that from her.  I kept going , and she got the broom and raised it against  me...treating me like a kid . wow mom.  WOW.  i pushed her away because I was so angry and emotional like, What the hell are you doing mom ?!! I'm  an adult  can't you listen and talk  to me  in a formal manner?JUST FOR ONCE. and she hit me with the broom twice.  She also threatened  me  that  she'll  throw boiling water at me if I don't stop. She would talk to me  my siblings, my dad like we owe her our lives. She would dismiss  intense situations  saying " if you don't like my conditions, leave MY house!! ". She likes  always being right, even uses our catholic faith to make everyone in the house feel bad about ones self. She would also use  her job " as a teacher  to defend herself and make herself more righteous.   I  am also a teacher myself,  and I teach children with special need. One time my mom told me "  you don't  understand  children in the regular school, because your students are dumb and kids who can't speak". That really hurt me professional wise and as her daughter.  

She would also bring up how my grandma  secretly hates me and that  i am one of the reasons she got sick(my grandma has diabetes, 93 and alive but had to  bed ridden because of oxygen tubes), i dunno if its true, but hearing it hurt.  Sometimes i'm starting to believe i am good for nothing.  That  everything is my fault. but a part of me doesn't want to believe ..so this internal conflict leaves me confused and in pain. I started distancing myself to people. I don't know what to do.  I want to leave so bad. 

 

I thought being good in school, going to college, having a job would make my mom  change. I guess NOT.  

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, moon09. 

First, I have to say that NONE of your mother's actions are your fault in any way. 

Absolutely none. 

You are behaving like a rational adult, and trying to communicate clearly and respectfully. 

Sadly, your mother does not seem to be able comprehend this, or function on that level. 

And that is NOT your fault in any way, moon09. 

You have the right to be treated with respect, not be assaulted with a broom and threatened with future attacks.

Let me repeat that: You have the RIGHT to be treated with respect.  Period.

Your mother's flaws are hers, and hers alone.  You are not responsible for them. 

You have every right to be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished. 

You are amazing - you are a teacher, and someone who works with those who are developmentally disabled. 

As far as I am concerned, you are a step above the rest.

And your mother, bless her heart, is an abusive, emotionally stunted individual who is not able to understand how much pain she inflicts on those around her.  (BTW, where I'm from, the phrase 'bless her heart' is not a compliment)

:console:

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

You are an awesome person to be a teacher to those special need kids.

Despite how your mother had treated you, you kept that tender heart of yours and not being transformed into your mom. Big clap to u.

If I am you, I might be hating the whole world now. I am a hater. I just hope i don't grow into somebody like your mom.

hugs to u

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  • 3 months later...

For one, move out ASAP! but actually I want you to know you are smart and strong for understanding that what your mom is doing isnt right AT ALL. I can feel your anger and frustration from where i am. She seems like a narcissist and is trying to project false guilt onto you. You are catching on, but because of your entire life tormented by her you think somehow it might not be true, but no, do not let your mother gaslight you into thinking youre insane for feeling and thinking what you do. She sounds like a headache, I'm sorry to say. I to deal with a narcissist for a mother and it isn't a walk in the park. Please do not condition yourself into thinking that what your mother is doing is normal because it is not! It is beyond hurtful and to be honest lets just say ANNOYING! It's evil what she said to you about your grandmother. my mother likes to use my father as an example saying he never wanted me and etc. It's not okay for parents to use other family members as a way to assign blame for their own shi tty behavior and makes us feel guilty on top of that. I also suggest on top of moving out, is seeking therapy! I know that all this must be hard to deal with and you can't do this alone. Please talk to someone because trying to explain this to your mother is self harm for yourself because she wont understand. I hope everything works out!

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  • 1 year later...
On 4/4/2018 at 9:34 PM, moon09 said:

I'm 25. I cannot remember any good memory with my mom. like  there's that blank empty spot in my life. All I can remember from my childhood is that, Our mother would  hit us,  at first it was ok because it is part of our culture..corporal punishment.  I remember I would run  to my grandmas house crying. That is all. I was afraid of her. She's nice to other people though.

I moved back  to my parents after college,  I had a job, I've been working since after I graduated from college. So I moved back and play the traditional role of the big sister helping my parents with some of the finance for some time. Today my mother blamed me for drinking up all the coffee (breakfast, dinner, midnight..really mom?). She saw me drinking "Milo" and started accusing me the moment she arrived home.  tried to tell her I don't drink all the coffee,  i really snapped because for the past months that I have been here , she blames me for everything and never sees anything good about me. I really try hard to talk to her like an adult, but all she does is tell me to shut up. SHUT UP! I explain and tell her how it hurts  to hear that from her.  I kept going , and she got the broom and raised it against  me...treating me like a kid . wow mom.  WOW.  i pushed her away because I was so angry and emotional like, What the hell are you doing mom ?!! I'm  an adult  can't you listen and talk  to me  in a formal manner?JUST FOR ONCE. and she hit me with the broom twice.  She also threatened  me  that  she'll  throw boiling water at me if I don't stop. She would talk to me  my siblings, my dad like we owe her our lives. She would dismiss  intense situations  saying " if you don't like my conditions, leave MY house!! ". She likes  always being right, even uses our catholic faith to make everyone in the house feel bad about ones self. She would also use  her job " as a teacher  to defend herself and make herself more righteous.   I  am also a teacher myself,  and I teach children with special need. One time my mom told me "  you don't  understand  children in the regular school, because your students are dumb and kids who can't speak". That really hurt me professional wise and as her daughter.  

She would also bring up how my grandma  secretly hates me and that  i am one of the reasons she got sick(my grandma has diabetes, 93 and alive but had to  bed ridden because of oxygen tubes), i dunno if its true, but hearing it hurt.  Sometimes i'm starting to believe i am good for nothing.  That  everything is my fault. but a part of me doesn't want to believe ..so this internal conflict leaves me confused and in pain. I started distancing myself to people. I don't know what to do.  I want to leave so bad. 

 

I thought being good in school, going to college, having a job would make my mom  change. I guess NOT.  

 

HI moon09! Wow, you've been through a lot.

Firstly, I want to say that, even if corporal punishment is seen as normal in your culture, it doesn't mean that it was ok for your mom to hit you like that.

Secondly, it's admirable that you want to be a good daughter and help with the house and finances, but there comes a stage where you need to protect yourself first, and THEN you can help the family ... possibly from a distance. (I just learned that myself, as after trying to hang in there and maintain a good relationship with my family, they wrecked what was left of my health. I don't want the same thing to happen to you!)

I felt like your mom has issues and can't communicate like an adult with anybody she has power over. This was confirmed to me when I read her comments about your special needs kids. This doesn't mean that your mom is beyond redemption, but it also doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your mental health to her. If you can move out, I highly recommend doing so, because this is just not good for you. In fact, maybe the whole family should! It might make your mom reconsider her attitude, if nothing else.

I hope you're doing ok. I noticed this post is getting old, and it's your only post on the forums, so I really hope you've managed to get out of there and put some distance between you and your mom. Take care!

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  • 2 months later...

I also have an emotionally abusive mother (who is also a religious addict). Emotional abuse is scary. Reading your post brought back some memories of similar ways my mom would treat me.... I have been away from my mother for about two and a half years now, and was only able to recognize the way she treated me as emotional abuse after I left because I was so "well adjusted" (which really means completely broken) to that uncomfortable environment, there was no way I could even think it was abnormal, until realizing it was when I began living in a normal environment. The sad thing about emotional abuse is that the abuser is often hurting in some way too. And this can suck you back in sometimes, to want to cater to them and help them, but it never rewards you.

If you really want to continue living there, or need to for the time being (but start developing a plan to leave), you have to come to terms with the fact that this person is not going to change. You can not express your true feelings to this person, it will almost always make the situation worse, in one way or another. They will never understand you. They may pretend to sometimes so that they can manipulate you, but they never actually do. They will say horrible things to you, make you feel guilty, and bring out the worst in you... and then convince you that you are this horrible person only they bring out. If they are religiously addicted, they will often use this as a scapegoat to cover up and justify any of their behavior and to criticize yours. 

It is important to remember that you are normal. Do not let this person make you feel like you aren't. It is hard and can often only be done with the least amount of interaction with them, or just playing the part you think they want you to. Stay strong.

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