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I want to quit life


Tid322

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There isn’t one thing I can think of that I am doing right. Every aspect of my life I have become a failure at and I know all my short comings are affecting my family. I don’t have a desire to stay and fight anymore but I know it’s necessary.

How do you check-in to a life you just want to check out of? I want to want. I desire to desire but I cannot find those things in me. I just feel it’s easier to disconnect and be an empty vessel. I won’t die physically, but I am dying emotionally and mentally. 

 

I’m scared of what I am doing to my kids being this way, and I want to do better but getting enough energy to continue acting happy is just too much some days. The fact that it doesn’t come easy and that I struggle to be a human makes my self-loathing all the more righteous and deep. I absolutely hate myself.

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Tid:

Thanks for your post though I can imagine that you are hurting right now.  It sounds like you are running out of energy holding up or holding in the deep feelings that you have.  Having to act a certain way to keep going is draining emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

In the past, has there been one or two things that have helped you even if a little bit? I picture you being a deep person and that surface or simple changes probably don't resonate with you.  But my hope (even prayer) is that you can do something caring and supportive for yourself in the next day.  

Best to you, 

Tim 

 

 

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Well, I could have written that post. I'm in a similar state. Constant "meh". I've isolated myself to a large extent.

I absolutely hate myself as well. I can't even stand my own appearance.

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Tim, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Everything I once found interest in is literally impossible to do or obtain where I currently live. I don’t like to do anything for myself because I feel it’s a waste. I only have so many hours in a day and I have to care for three other humans before myself. Everything I do is in slow motion and taking way more time than it should just to get through the normal things in a day. By the time I am finished with my have to I simply have no energy to focus on anything. It’s the same thing every day with no variation except some days are s***tier and harder to cope.

 

JD, I am sorry you are living this hell of solidarity with me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate my own appearance as well and cannot remember the last time I’ve looked in a mirror. If you have children how old are they if you don’t mind me asking? And do you notice a difference in their attitude(s) around you versus other people?

I’m at a loss for everything in my life. Everything is turning to around me, and I wonder if I were to be gone if it’d be any better. I seem to be the common denominator.

Edited by Tid322
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I have a 23 year old daughter. She's fully accepting of the fact that her dad is a "nut". I've talked to her about it many times as she got older. There have been instances where she has wanted to do something and I've had to tell her I'm just not able to pull it off. She's disabled so it adds another layer of guilt onto me when that happens.

If I had known what a head case I was going to become, I never would have married and had kids. On the other hand, when my daughter came along, I suddenly had a reason to live.

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JD, I feel exactly the same as you. I hate myself and wish I had known who I would become before I married and had children. Then again, I know that they give me a reason to go on. They’re really the only reason I go on at all. My dad died when I was young and my mom checked out after his death, and it would absolutely **** me to know my kids would ever feel unloved, unwanted or abandoned.

I am sure you feel the same about your daughter. I’m glad she is at an age of understanding and seems to have love and compassion. Sounds like you raised a wonderful young woman. 

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Oh Tid322, I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes it seems that having kids is the only reason that I am still here. I have to survive for them, because as my therapist always reminds me "they never get over it." ("it" of course being the suicide of a parent). I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until after I was married with kids, though i suspected it when I was younger. It seems to be getting harder and harder to fight off this illness to remain a "normal" suburban housewife and keep things "normal" around the house. But I do it because sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. And a lot of the time, I am OK. It's just that when things are way up or way down, it just seems longer and harder to deal with. 

Just remember that your kids know that you love them! I'm sure you are the best parent you can be. If your kids are what keep you alive, then so be it! Make the most of that part of your life. But do try to find time for yourself so that you still have something personal to hold onto. Not sure what that might be for you. For me, it is reading, playing with our dogs, taking a long hot bath with a glass of alcohol! Could be anything. 

Keep your chin up!

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Thank you twitchy. I feel like when I moved I lost my identity because my interests are far from me. I used to go hiking, even when depressed I could get out and hike in the hills or the mountains. Or to the beach and and swim. I can’t do those things were I live now. The closest place to hike is almost eight hours away. So I haven’t hiked in almost four years. I feel like I should be finding new interests and new hobbies but I can’t find that desire to do so and nothing else sounds great to me.

 

I am always faking it until I make it. I have been for years. It’s just exhausting. And literally everytime I feel I am improving usually my husband has something negative to say about me and then I feel even lower. Why even bother trying anymore? I will always fail, even when I think I’m doing great.

 

When my kids go to bed I literally just stare blankly for hours, often times thinking of nothing I can recall until I decide to sleep. I absolutely hate that time of day, but the entire day I am just counting down the time until I can unload the kids into their beds and be nothing and do nothing. It’s very confusing mentally.

 

sorry this is one big rant. I hope it makes sense.

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