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My terrible life story


Oussama

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Hello everyone im new to this forum i was just looking to share my life story , from the day i remember , i never really had a great life , kids used to play in the neighborhood but i wasn’t allowed to , i always beaten by my parents , told i was a failure .

two years ago , my sister had a boyfriend ho wasn’t good for her , he was a player , i knew him very well , so i forced him to break up with her , my sister found out about it so she came up to me and started screaming at me , i lost control of myself and hit her really hard , so next thing she did , she runned to the balconi and jumped , she survived but with a back injury that ruined her carrier as an athelete , she became depressed just like i am and began to cut her hands . She told after that she forgive me but i didn’t forgive my self for what i did to her . One year later i was having a normal day , wook up , took shower , and my fathers car out , as i was heading back home i lost control of the car , the car rolled over and i lost consciousness , until i wook up in a hospital , the police came to me and told that i hit someone on the road , and now his dead , i never had the courage to go meet his family , until someday , i accidentely met his mom , she came up to me told me hi , i didn’t know who she was , but she knew who i was , so i asked her who she is , she responded , i am badr’s mom , i was speechless , i couldnt say a word , i lost feeling of my legs , then she told me don’t worry i forgive you it wasnt your fault , the probleme im the one who can’t forgive myself , i had nightmares of him for years and i still do from time to time .

this past two years for me , have been full of guilt , regret , the taste of life became so  bitter that i can’t take it anymore , i have drug issues .

i just wanted to share this to people who want judge me .

if anyone reads this thank you and sorry for the English mistake because it’s not my mother language.

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Oh, that is a complicated story and sad.

Sometimes in life, people do bad things to us, sometimes in life we do something bad to other people.

Both of those things can happen.

Like you said, I think it can be worse, if we are the ones to do something that harms someone else.

It's hard finding the right way to deal with guilt/ responsibility/ forgiveness.

I think it will take time to learn to deal with this.

Can you talk to other people who are in a similar situation? (Feeling guilty/ responsible and struggling with acceptance?)

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Have you been to the cemetary and been to Badr's grave?

Maybe you should go there and talk to him and apologise and put flowers on his grave (or a similar ritual, as is appropriate in your country).

Maybe going to the cemetary and learning to talk to Badr could help you eventually?

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yes, i think that would be a good first step

but you will probably need a lot of time to forgive yourself

are there any charities where you live? organisations where you can do volunteer work?

and help people who are disabled or sick or poor?

if you can do something good, that helps people who need it, then I think it can also help you feel better.

then you will not feel like you are someone who has only done harmful things.

sometimes we cannot help the people we harmed (your sister may not want your help, Badr's family may not want your help)

but you can help others in a similar situation.

i think that will help you with your feelings of guilt.

and it will teach you something valuable about life

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Hey Oussama, 

welcome to the forum, 

You have come to the right place for support with your struggles and I’m sorry to hear your struggling so much. Please know that you aren’t being judged. 

It may be an idea to speak with a professional such as a therapist if you have the opportunity, they may be able to help you start to come to terms with what’s happened and forgive yourself. 

Best wishes 

Leila 

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Dear Oussama, 

I’m hoping because you’ve posted that somewhere deep down inside you know there is some small sliver of hope for you, just as I know and pray that there is a sliver of hope for each of us on this forum. It’s a place to start,don’t you think?

I wish you peace and hope, I know your journey is a painful one, yet please know we are here for you, and know you are in my thoughts tonite as I write this.   All is not lost, dear one.  I believe that you have a purpose, there is forgiveness, and you are here for a reason.  Please take care and be safe  

((( hugs))))

warmly, katzenjammer 

 

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Thanks everyone for your messages and support it really means alot to me   I feel like other peoples who have perfect lifes with no problem can’ Understand what we are dealing with they think that depression is a choice btw i have also dépersonnalisation and derealisation , and i take xanax and some anti depressants to help me sleep without nightmares, again thanks u so much for taking time to reply to me ❤️

 

Edited by Oussama
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Hello Oussama, 

Well, those are some hard things you went through.  What I think is :

First, about your sister.  It looks like you've made a mistake.  You seem to think it's a big and bad one, but it's still just that, a mistake.  We all make mistakes.  But your mistake is better than some, in the sense that it was made out of love.  You did that to protect your sister, you wanted her to be happy and you wanted her out of this hurtful relationship : that's honorable.  It appears the way you did it was not the best, but it was still done with pure and good intentions, and since she forgave you she likely knows that too.  As for how she became depressed and started to hurt herself, you seem to think it's your fault because of that mistake.  I think that's not the case.  You speak of your parents and how hard they were on you, they were probably hard on her too, and that man who was treating her badly probably did nothing to help.  She was probably not really happy with him, as much as she might say otherwise.  If you hadn't done what you have done and she had stayed with him, God knows it might have been way worse.  Keep that in mind : you did what you thought was right for someone you love.  You could not know how she was going to react, and all you can do now is be here for her and love her still, and it will make amends.  And even though the breakup might have made her depressed, it was not your fault she was in that bad relationship and the fact that it ended because of you can NOT be the only cause for her despair.  Always remember that in everything, you have a part of responsibility, yes, but so does everyone else, including your sister : she has her own part of responsibility in her life.  Noone, not you, not me, not anyone in the world is responsible for everything.  What matters is that you do your best.  The same way not everyone is responsible for your problems, even when they are partly responsible, you are not responsible for everyone's problems.  

Then, about the accident : it was an accident.  A stupid, unfortunate accident.  You never intended to hit that person.  It just happened.  There was nothing you could do about it then, and there is nothing you can do to change the past : and I am not saying this to be mean, what I want to say is, since there is nothing you could do and nothing you can do about hitting that person, then you can not blame yourself, because you did not do it on purpose.  Of course you can be sorry, and the fact that you are sorry shows that you are a good person.  You had no power on the accident, but you have power on what you can do now.  I think Sophy's ideas are very good.  Going to apologize to Badr, and doing charity work to give back to society can be very good for feeling less guilty.  Also you might not have the courage to go to his family, but if you want you could send them a letter.  You could also make a donation to a charity in his name.  Also if you are religious sometimes going to the church to say a few prayers for him and his family and/or ask for God's forgiveness can be helpful.  

I would also advise a therapist.  I know lots of us are scared to do it because we feel crazy, but it's really just a person to talk to, who doesn't judge and who can help you sort it all out and give you valuable advice on how to cope, especially with making peace with your difficult childhood.  

I hope you get better :) and your english is all good, perfectly understandable !

Bea xx

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