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Unemployed failure checking in


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I have never had a learner's permit or driver's license.  I am twenty six and have never even held a job longer than a few weeks.  My depression has morphed over the years from my own self loathing and inadequacies which inevitably lead to drug addiction when I was younger.  I got out of it through shear will power but it's scary what's happened to me.  I don't care about anything anymore,  I seriously don't want to work, go to school, I have several assignments piling up and all I want to do is wallow around in my own pity.  I have some really ****ed up darker emotions I don't feel comfortable talking about,  because I doubt anyone would even be prepared for a monster of my caliber.  I hurt myself in the form of cutting with dull objects because I am addicted to the pain,  not dying part.  I want to suffer because it's all I am capable of feeling or enjoying anymore.  

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Give yourself some credit for overcoming your drug addiction, this is a major achievement on its own!

Not caring is very common with depression, many of us here have gone through periods of wanting to just stay in bed all day and wallowing around in our own pity. Feel free to share your darker emotions, this is the one place you can do this in safe manner as long as it doesn't go against the TOS (i.e. describing how to end your life or the like). 

How long have you been injuring yourself? Not judging you, many of us do it or have done it in the past, sometimes to punish ourselves and other times to feel "something."

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Hello, HoloTheWiseWolf

Welcome to DF! I'm sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. I can relate to your situation in many ways. I didn't get a driver's license until my early twenties, and at one point had to walk most places in an area where you really need a car since my household couldn't afford to buy even a cheap, used car. I wasn't pushing myself to work very hard, and didn't have anyone to talk to.

Joining this site did help me with that. It felt good to chat with people, even though it was just online. I hope that this helps you as well.

I have also struggled with self harm for many years, but for the past few have been able to resist it. Now I have a partner that I talk to everyday, and I am working more consistently. It took many years to get to this point, but I am happier even though things aren't perfect. So there is hope and ways to overcome things.

If you want to talk or have any questions about the site, feel free to message me anytime! :hugs:

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Hi HoloTheWiseWolf,

     I am so sorry that you are suffering and struggling.   It is really heartbreaking!!!

     Although I don't really have anything wiser to offer you that what others have already said, I do want you to know that I am rooting for you.  I agree with Lonely Foreigner than overcoming your drug addiction was a huge accomplishment.   Depression is such a horrible, horrible illness.  My heart goes to you!!!  - epictetus

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I agree with those above. You should give yourself more credit for overcoming drug addiction. That was definitely no easy task so great job! I can relate to this post. I am 20 and I've only had a permit. I can drive kinda. I haven't had a job since early 2017. I used to be addicted to garden shrub in high school although it was clearly horrible for me. I wallow in self pity sometimes. I don't feel like getting out of bed sometimes. I have never kept a job for more than a few months. I honestly don't see how most people do. I get dissatisfied with the same routine especially when I don't even enjoy the work. With the help of some donations, I was able to sign to a management company, Ari Armani, with a client worth of over $800 million. They've managed Shady Records (Eminem), Atlanta (TV show on FX), and more. Within the deal, I was able to record at the same studio where Beyonce Kanye Drake Rihanna Sheeran Taylor Swift and many more major artists have recorded. I'm doing good in my career. Just not with average every day life, but I guess it isn't for me. I could never be ok with being common for long. I just have to stand out. And id rather wait for the loaves of bread before scrambling for crumbs. Good luck to you!

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On 3/22/2018 at 2:18 PM, HoloTheWiseWolf said:
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I have never had a learner's permit or driver's license.  I am twenty six and have never even held a job longer than a few weeks.  My depression has morphed over the years from my own self loathing and inadequacies which inevitably lead to drug addiction when I was younger.  I got out of it through shear will power but it's scary what's happened to me.  I don't care about anything anymore,  I seriously don't want to work, go to school, I have several assignments piling up and all I want to do is wallow around in my own pity.  I have some really ****ed up darker emotions I don't feel comfortable talking about,  because I doubt anyone would even be prepared for a monster of my caliber.  I hurt myself in the form of cutting with dull objects because I am addicted to the pain,  not dying part.  I want to suffer because it's all I am capable of feeling or enjoying anymore.  

I'm really sorry you're going through this @HoloTheWiseWolf I understand your feelings of complete and utter despair. I just turned 24 in November and on November 6th, I was arrested for a DUI, lost my car, lost my job (one of the many I have never been able to hold onto anyways..) and loaded with fees, 4 years probation, and absolutely no help whatsoever from my family; besides my mom who sends me what she can afford every now and then. My taxes aren't completely lined up yet for April 17th and I have only $94 left for my fees. Not to mention I don't have any friends besides my partner.. Things can really come down on you. Don't give up, you have a fresher start ahead of you than I do. I understand the cutting. I didn't cut for years until I had a breakdown recently. I don't want to die either, it's just apart of the pain satisfaction. 

 

The only thing that has been keeping me out of bed (for the most part) is how much I love my partner. But even then, it is nearly impossible for me to do anything. Physical exhaustion along with paralyzing mental anxiety that is so deeply rooted you don't know where to start digging. 

 

Hang in there, and if you need to talk, I'm a message away. How is your day going so far?

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