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Mother has no empathy! Badmouths about deaths in the family! Holy cow!!


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I am so angry and sad that My Mother has absolutely 0 empathy for others. She admits this herself. It's the reason why nothing is going well in her life - work, finances, love life, friendships, relationship with her own family - everything is terrible, her life is a mess.

But this time she has really outdid herself. She really showed how incapable she is of caring for anyone's feelings but her own! She cannot take on perspectives other than her own. What's worst is she thinks perspective is reality itself, and can't differentiate the two!

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was really young due to illness. And recently I found out from my Dad that my paternal grandmother had two sons (my Dad's brothers) who unfortunately passed away due to accidents when they were little.

In Chinese culture, fortunate telling is a thing. And there is a school of Chinese fortunate telling that focuses around the way your face looks. Now in modern day China, facial fortune telling is NOT widely believed to be true or taken seriously. The general public treats it as pseudoscience, superstition, a casual conversation topic. Heck, even horoscopes have more perceived legitimacy.

My family is Chinese and the context here is relevant. I was telling my mom that I just found out about the two young sons (my Dad's brothers, who would have been my uncles) passing away a long time ago. And you know what she said to me?? She said "well grandma has a 'Anti-Husband Face', grandpa died young too, didn't he?"

In the realm of Chinese facial fortune telling (again, NOT widely accepted to be true!!!), 'Anti-Husband Face (bad translation)' is a concept that purports a wife's face can alter her husband's "luck" in career/wealth, etc., and for there to be a connection to be drawn to death is VERY VERY VERY extremist - even for pseudoscience followers!! This made me livid!! And extremely sad!! It is so hurtful!!! How can she say something like that? I would never even in the a million years could have interpreted the situation like the way she did.

#1. She fails to recognize that this is HER interpretation, not facts!!! Fact, my grandpa passed away due to lung issues because he had to work in coal mines a lot in his adulthood!!!!!

#2. regardless of if this facial fortune telling hocus pocus has grounds or not (which it obviously does not because of #1!!!!!), it is just WRONG to say something like this about another mother's grief as a mother herself!!! It is SO DISRESPECTFUL to the Dead! You don't badmouth the dead. Period. Let the dead rest in peace!!!!! Not only did she disrespect my grandma, my dead grandfather, but disrespecting 2 dead children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????? Pay your respects to those who had passed!!!!!!! Children are innocent!!!! The Dead is innocent!!!!!! Most of all, my grandma is innocent!!!!!

I'm giving up on her. I'm come to accept the fact that I will never truly develop emotional intimacy with her because she is incapable of understanding anyone's emotions but her own. She speaks the words she wants to feel good in herself, even if it's stomping on other people's pain. She has no empathy, no remorse. That part of her brain is not functional. I've come to accept that this is who she is. I'm done!! I'm done!! I'm done!!

Edited by someonespecial
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I am no doctor or therapist or anything of the sort, but from what you have shared she sounds narcissistic. People with narcissism are callous and unemotional, delusions of grandiosity, are antagonist, and generally socially isolated due to their behaviors. I’ve heard it’s nearly impossible for narcissists to help themselves despite all of the wake of trouble they leave in their path. 

I’d hope with her somewhat self-awareness that she’d seek help. She needs to learn some empathy for others. If she is truly narcissistic, you have to somewhat be understanding as well. It will not be an easy task for her.

 

I hope you can come to an understanding with her to work on a healthy relationship. As of now, I cannot imagine her having one with anyone.

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