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psycholuigiman

I'm Not Real and I'm Worthless

4 posts in this topic

Posted · Report post  

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So, someone I thought was my friend just told me i"m not real. He once called me his brother. He stayed up with me talking to me many times when I would stress out and I returned the favor by doing the same for him, or at least I tried to. I'm having a hard time with the feelings in me right now. I'm boiling with anger that someone who went through so much with me would basically tell me he didn't have any use for me and that he'd rather pretend I wasn't there so he could spend all of his time with best friends who are "real". I'm nearly in tears over losing one of my only friends and one that I thought was so close. I can now officially count all of my friends on one hand. I'm terrified and paranoid that maybe none of my friends see me as "real". That they'll see me as having nothing to contribute and cast me out. Then I'll be left with absolutely zero friends and with no job or school to go to, that will be my lot in life. My parents will die, my brother will die and I'll be left to die alone because I'm the youngest. I feel like I can't ever trust anybody again. My stomach hurts, my chest hurts, I feel nauseous. I haven't felt this crappy since my first panic attack.

I'm not so much looking for answers here. I'm venting my fears and anger in the only way I know how. Some part of my sanity is still clinging to the idea that I am real. That aside from letting my fears stop me from traveling to Canada to join some friends at a convention, I'm an honorable and genuine friend. It's just, when somebody you trusted literally says that you're last season and that he's moving on to the new season, it's hard not to feel more worthless than re-runs of TV drama or an anime or something. It's going to be a hard day for me.

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Posted (edited) · Report post  

Hi Psycholuigiman,

    I am so sorry for what happened to you!  What you are feeling and thinking are things I would be thinking and feeling if I was in your shoes.  

    You are very real to me.  I have read your many posts here on the Forums and they have helped me [and I am sure they have helped others] feel less alone with our own anguish and suffering.  Whether you realize it or not and whether you intended it or not, your posts have had a healing and life saving effect on me and that includes your present post.  

     I have the highest respect and admiration for those who save lives.  I don't think saving lives is just restricted to those who are doctors or first responders or crisis counselors.  Heroes are not just those who make a big splash in the media.  I consider you to be someone who saves lives; someone who is a "real" hero.   You are definitely not "last season."  What you have done for me and others is great.  It transcends time.  It is stored in eternity,  in my opinion.  

     Losing friends is always hard on me.  I go into meltdown mode. I don't even think I could be handling things as well as you are, to be quite honest.  

     I wish I knew how to relieve the pain you are going through.

    I suffer panics too.  They are just brutal.  

     My apologies for not being able to offer anything of practical value to you in your situation.  Hopefully others here will make up for my lack of helpfulness.  I want you to know that I am rooting for you.  And I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for what you have done for me and my life!!

     You are not worthless.  You are the very opposite of that.  You are a person of greatness and stature!

     - epictetus

Edited by Epictetus

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Posted · Report post  

Y'know, I think many of us here in the depression and anxiety realm are more real than the people who pretend to be normal. They wind up projecting their inner feelings onto others--and we can be the victims of that.

And, as @Soyer said:

Quote

Remember that nobody can make you more or less of anything in life unless you give them the power to do so.

 

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Posted · Report post  

Thank you. I'm better now and that is due in part to you guys on the forum here. It honestly sounds too good to be true though, my occasional posts saving lives here, I mean. As part of my effort to not close myself off though, I'll take the notion that I'm a hero as your genuine belief, Epictetus.

Anyway, like I said, I just really needed to vent and make the pain I was feeling known. I'm certainly no stranger to being betrayed by people who called me family. Well, "betrayed" is a bit strong, but I think you know what I mean. Still though, it really hurt to have someone practically deny my very existence. You think you know a person and then they wave all of the things you went through together as a fun distraction at best. It really has been a long time since I got hurt like that. Must've been 2002 when somebody was so cruel as to throw me out like that. In any case, it's over now. Life is gonna be a little harder with one less friend to lean on sometimes, and I've really gotta work on that paranoia I get about my other friends, but honestly the day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I said what I needed to say to the guy, told him to enjoy his "new season" and made sure to remove him from all of my social media lists that I could remember. Didn't block him though. Not sure if I'm stupid or a saint, but I like to keep lines open. Just feels wrong, preventing a person from speaking to me ever again. Not like he committed a criminal act against me or anything like that.

BLEH! I'm rambling again. Just wanted to give an update and a thank you. The really messed up part in all of this is that the guy has his own anxiety and depression problems. Apparently he even went to therapy for PTSD. He was always a little superficial, but not towards people. I guess it goes to show that their really is no "us" and "them". Until today, I've always seen folks who suffer or have suffered in the past from depression and anxiety problems as just being more compassionate. I guess it isn't always true though. At some point, after recovering and thriving for a while, I guess some people just move on entirely, completely forgetting how much help they needed to get back up and how much compassion they had to receive before feeling worthwhile again.

GAH! RAMBLING AGAIN! Sorry. I'm really good at typing. My fingers just kinda move as I think about what to say and before I know it, I end up with a short essay on the matter! Thanks again.

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