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IdleSoulBrixton

Situational Depression & Unfixable Situation

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I know what I have is situational depression. I see a therapist and we've talked about this extensively. She doesn't think I meet any criteria for a major depressive disorder (nor do I). I also have an education in psychology (extended) but obviously, I can't diagnose myself so I also see a therapist. I know in my own head I don't meet the criteria for a disorder. It's a situation that I'm in. That being said, I can't get out of it. There's no way out. At all. People tell me "just change things if you don't like it" as if I'm made of money or even have the ability. Even worse, I won't get out of this situation for at least 4 more years, if not 5, and I am watching my life waste away before me. 

I am not suicidal and I don't want to die, as of now that is. I fear I'll get to a point where I'll think that's my only answer but I don't want to die. I fear death like crazy and I fear not being able to make something of my life before I die. What I believe the meaning of life to be is doing something important and memorable before you die. I want to make my mark and I want to leave some type of legacy. I am a writer and I have several things completed, manuscripts and screenplays. I have been able to make some connections but the city where I live there isn't a big industry for these things so making connections is very hard. The only reason I mention this is because it's part of my situational depression a HUGE part. Having some feeling that if I just left here and went to a city where maybe I could meet someone who is connected then I might have a chance. No, I don't think it's a guarantee, I don't even think I'm the best writer in the world but what I do know is that I have 0% chance getting noticed where I currently live because I have no ability to network. 

So then you think "that's not such a big deal shut up" well for one it's a big deal to me and for two, that's not my only problem. I am up to my eyeballs in debt for a medical procedure I had to pay out of pocket for and that procedure isn't even "complete" I will own 7 thousand more dollars by the end of the year, which I don't have, so it's going to have to go on credit, bringing my debt right back up to where it was 2 years ago when I put the initial payment down. I can't get a job that's better than part time or minimum wage and it's not from lack of trying either. Unemployment is a huge problem where I live. I am constantly filling out job applications but the job I'm most suited for (I know because I've had it before) doesn't exist here. This job does exist in other cities though and in abundance, so once again, at very least I know that I could get this job if I moved from this city but guess what? I can't move, because I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. It makes saving to move out nearly impossible. I won't be out of debt until I'm nearly 40 years old and then what? My life will basically be over, and don't give me any stuff about how 40 is still young, technically yes it is, but not young enough for my liking to go out and pursue my dreams. 

I also hate the people I live with. I hate my roommates with a passion. One of them isn't SO bad but he gets on my nerves and he uses my situation to manipulate me and guilt trip me into doing stuff I don't want to do. The problem is, he knows I need the money and he knows that 9 times out of 10 I CAN'T say no to him because I need his money. He makes a lot more than I do and I'm basically just renting a room at his house. I'm really sick and tired of this level of abuse from him, all emotional, but guess what? I can't move out. I seriously can't. People question why all the time but guess what? When you are in debt and can't save because you are paying off a huge medical bill every month and are also in a lawsuit to pay off a credit card because of identity theft from years ago, wanna know how easy it is to save? Well it's not. Even if I did put away say I don't know 50 dollars a month that would take years to move out. I have horrible credit cause of my debt so there's no chance of getting a house, I don't even own my own car. I also would have to be able to move to a place that will allow me to keep my dog and two cats which is seemingly impossible. The breed and size of my dog is banned at 99% of places around here that are "affordable" and even if he weren't, most places have a limit on 2 animals and I have three. I can't afford to board them for an extended period of time (because people keep suggesting this like I am made of money). 

I don't talk to my family/parents because they were abusive as hell so, that's not an option. I don't have "friends" because I don't want them so there's no one else I can live with for a small period of time. Even if I managed to some how get enough for a security deposit on an apartment, well I don't make enough money a month to be able to live at one, by myself or with my animals. Because of the bills I have to pay immediately every month I'd have to be making at least 2500$ a month to move out on my own because a good chunk of that would immediately go to the debt I have to pay. No, I can't declare bankruptcy and no I can't get out of it and default on them or my meager wages will be garnished and I don't need that either (plus apparently I found out an employer can legally fire you for getting your wages garnished repeatedly so not going to risk it with how little I already make). 

I hate the winter, I hate the snow, every year when winter hits my depression hits me harder than ever. This year for a good two months I was borderline suicidal because I hated the snow so much. I have chronic pain in my lower back due to two herniated discs and the doctors won't help me because they think for some reason I'm a drug addict even though I absolutely am not. I've done a few rounds of physical therapy but they won't offer me more than that for whatever reason. Keep in mind I've never even asked for drugs they just assumed I am an addict so I'm suffering with back pain on and off but still have to work, and I work two different jobs just to scrape by each month. Every other day I just sit and cry because of how much I hate my life and it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like there was an answer but I just can't have it. I know what the answer here is, it's money, it's getting out of debt, it's fixing my credit...but I have no possible way to do any of that and I never will. 

I feel hopeful that there COULD be a future for me if I could fix this but I also logically know I can't fix it. My therapist legit suggested to me that instead of trying to fix the impossible I just learn that "life sucks for everyone" and learn how to "cope" with being miserable until I die. So I guess my only option here is "give up, stop trying, and go to therapy to learn to live with the fact that my life is freaking awful" and I don't like that idea either. I am not just going to accept that everything is bad and there is no solution. The solution to my problem is getting more money or making more money, this is one of those very rare situations where money actually could buy happiness and I have no freaking way of getting just enough to pull myself out of the hell hole I'm in and I know that. 

If you are going to suggest SSRIs and anti-depressants they don't work. I've tried a bunch already: 

Zoloft
Prozac
Welbutrin
Lithium
Celexa
Buspar

Yeah you name it I've tried it. I either had severe and dangerous physical side effects that put me in the ER or I became sucidal when I'm not at all suicidal when I'm not on the drugs. For instance, some of them make me SOOOO apathetic that I have no emotions and I feel numb which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't aware that I felt numb. However, being aware that I don't have emotions and I can't feel anything anymore (love/hate/sadness/joy) makes me go insane. I need to feel things, the good and the bad, I'm not going to numb myself. The medications with the physical side effects were bad enough that some nearly killed me. No, I am not going to take any SSRIs as I think it's clear my problem isn't a chemical imbalance it's a crappy life situation. The one medication I was on for YEARS that did work, they won't give me anymore. Once again, no idea why. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me ativan regularly. Then I had to switch doctors because of my insurance and my new doctor lied to me and said "no doctor prescribes that to anyone anymore" which I know is straight up BS and I haven't been able to get the medication since that point. 

I'm at the end of my rope and I've tried like hell to fix this situation, improve my mood, everything...nothing works and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. When it's this bad what do you even do about it? 

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2 hours ago, IdleSoulBrixton said:

I feel hopeful that there COULD be a future for me if I could fix this but I also logically know I can't fix it. My therapist legit suggested to me that instead of trying to fix the impossible I just learn that "life sucks for everyone" and learn how to "cope" with being miserable until I die. So I guess my only option here is "give up, stop trying, and go to therapy to learn to live with the fact that my life is freaking awful" and I don't like that idea either.

Sounds like your therapist was just frustrated, this is basically him/her saying "I give up, I don't know how to help you." I get a sense that you have a strong victim mentality and will shoot down any suggestion that people come up with, not all therapists can handle that. 

The biggest problem right now seems to be your medical debt but you say you can't declare bankruptcy... Why? This type of situation is exactly what it is meant for. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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Lemme tell you a thing, guy: 

1. You don't know my situation. I am anything but a victim with a victim mentality sweetheart. I've been homeless, abused physically and mentally, I don't talk to my family because of their abuse and I literally have PTSD because of my abusive father. I chose to be homeless instead of putting up with his abuse anymore. I chose to make my own way and I chose to leave what was essentially a very comfortable and secure life and be homeless for two freaking years to get back on my feet by myself with no help from anyone because I knew it would be better for me. I was homeless in one of the worst cities in the country. Don't you dare freaking call me a victim with a victim mentality with what I've been through because if I was I would have long since been dead. 

2. You don't know my situation. You don't know what I've tried. You don't know that every path is a dead end. You aren't my therapist and you don't know how much I've fought and how hard I've tried to overcome this. I sincerely hope you aren't talking to anyone else this way on here because it's freaking rude. 

3. I can't declare bankruptcy because one, I can't afford the legal fees. Are you aware that it costs hundreds of dollars to get a lawyer to do that? Of course I'd get a lawyer because I'm smart and when people try to do it by themselves they usually file wrong which is why I'd get an expert. Even if I could afford that, which I can't, the medical bill I have to pay has a cosigner on it. If I declare bankruptcy the load defaults to him and ruins his credit. I'm not going to do that, why would I screw someone else over because of this? Oh right because I'm not a victim and I don't force people to bare my burdens for me. I'm trying to be honest and work through this problem. 

4. Here are all of the things I've tried to do because you know I'm such a "victim" according to you: 

I work two jobs as of now. Two. This still doesn't negate the bills I have to pay and I can't get the job I'm most qualified for because it doesn't exist her, as I said. That job would be personal assistant which I have had before, but I didn't live in this area of the country when I had it, sweetie. Are you aware that the specific job of personal assistant isn't overabundant everywhere? That you're most likely going to find that job in a city like New York, Chicago, LA, Toronto? Places like that? What a concept. Alright I have a decent resume otherwise but as I mentioned, there isn't a huge market here for what I can do. I search job listings every day and I fill out applications when those jobs do come up but it's rare. Weird right? That someone would live in an area where there's not a ton of job postings. It's almost as if I live in the real world...no wait I guess I'm a victim. Victims totally keep looking for a better job while working two of them because the best part of being a victim is their resilience in the face of adversity. 

Now, as a survivor of a lot of bulls*** I'm pretty sure you have absolutely no freaking understanding of in your life if you would dare speak to me that way, I really don't know why I'm trying. Clearly posting here was a mistake if the very first response I get is "you're a victim with a victim mentality". No, honey, I'd have died a long ass time ago if that were true. You don't know me and you have no right to say that to me.

As for my therapist, darling, she knows me I've been seeing her for 12 years. That's over a decade, child, and that means that me and her have been through SEVERAL THOUSAND options and SEVERAL THOUSAND plans that never panned out. This is the end of the road, baby. Do you realize that? Are you aware that sometimes that happens and there's just nothing left to do? Do you understand that not everyone has options all the time and that some people work for a literal freaking decade exploring every last option they have to only hit a wall? Do you understand that this is what real life is? Jesus Christ. I thought I was p***** off before but you are quite possibly the most insensitive douche I've had the "pleasure" of coming across. 

Seriously, what the hell is your problem that you'd say something like this to someone? God, yeah...very "helpful" forum. Don't think I'll be returning. ****ing P**k. 

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Hi idle welcome to the forum! Your situation is definitely a tough one and I can sadly also relate to some of your struggles. Im also dealing with a lot of debt from college and just in general. I live with my mother and we basically live pay check to pay check and were always a couple pay checks away from being completely homeless ourselves.

That being said we always think "we" being me and my mom lol how much money would basically solve all our problems. wed finally pay off all our debts , mine being over 30k and hers being 200k ..and wed finally each be able to persue our dreams jobs and leave the horrible town we live in. Although money would help change our lives it would definetly not bring the happiness you believe it will. Money only ever fixes whats on the surface. After having had my mental sanity and physical health be ripped apart from me had to learn that the hard way. 

I wanted to say that sorry lonelyforeign comment triggered you so much but I assure you he meant no harm by it and did not deserve that flight or flight response with so many insults. "Victim Mentality" is not an insult at all. I think everyone with depression experiences Victim mentality at some point. It doesnt mean that we pretend to be victins and that our problems are small insignificant on the contrary I think we tend to develop it when were at our worst and our issues are so big we cant help feeling sorry for ourselves and thinking theres no way and looking at any possible solution as a lie which is all victim mentality that we let ourselves belive were a just a victim of our situation and dont take in any posibility that theres tiny things we can do that make our situation a little easier.  

"it's a situation that I'm in. That being said, I can't get out of it. There's no way out. At all. People tell me "just change things if you don't like it" as if I'm made of money or even have the ability" can be seen as "victim mentality" and also saying that your case is a special one where money is the only way that can bring you happiness because itll get you out of dept and thats the only way youll be happy and theres nothing you can do because you cant pay off the dept is usually what people call the "victim mentality" which again is not bad at all the phase we all go trough when were at our worst. Im just trying to explain why he used the wording that he did and explain that those words do not minimize your hurt or your struggles. But developing the mentality doesnt make our situation better and only makes us more depressed! thats why he pointed that out because we dont want you to let yourself get stuck and be clouded by your situation. 

I think the way you ended your response was not very kind but I understand that it was a miscommunication and that youre not a good place right now in life. That being said I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that when you calm down you can perhaps find some use of this website. I think this place is great place to vent and it helps to something just write down what were feeling. 

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You have a lot going on but at the very least let me tell you that you're doing good - you're busting your butt and you've taken stock of your issues and what you can and can't do.  You have writing talent.  Not easy to break into as far as getting published but have you thought of doing freelance editing?  That could at least make you some extra money that you could do from home.  The biggest thing is to network for those opportunities and who knows, maybe you could meet someone who knows someone who could get you in contact with a publisher, agent, or other?  Networking is mainly done online these days, Linked In is huge.  As far as your finances, all you can do is what you're doing.  They can't get blood out of a stone.  Medical debt is the leading cause of bankruptcy.  You are very considerate of your friend who co-signed for you.  As for the roommate situation I guess the best you can do for now is to avoid him as much as possible.  Try not to let him add to your frustrations.  Take solace in your furry friends - my baby (pictured) is so healing for me and is my only real family.  I understand what it's like to have limited housing options because of your dog.  So just slow down a bit and breathe.  We're here for you.  Take one day at a time, really.  One hour at a time.  This is what life is, struggling and trying to come through the struggles a better person.  Your life is worth living and isn't anywhere close to over.  I'm 52 and can look back and see that the way I felt in my 40's isn't the way I still feel about a lot of things.  Even when it's hard there is still hope.  I know it all feels unfixable but you don't really 'fix' things, you adapt and change.  Keep talking to your therapist, keep doing the things that help, and look for the little delights in life (when your dog looks up you adoringly, a stunning sunset, brisk, fresh air) that soothe your soul from all the unpleasantness.  Hugs.

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I understand the feelings of being stuck and you are definitely in a sticky place.

With 4 to 5 years of getting out of debt, this is awesome if you have that much debt! Use this time to network! As suggested, use LinkdIn...you never know and that is an action to possible success!

Try to look for online contracts. There are companies out there that offer jobs for writing. Get your foot in the door.

Action is the only way out in my opinion. Small steps is key to start. Can you use your psychology education somehow?

Could you save some of your funds instead of seeing a therapist? You said they arent helping you anyway so that might be helpful.

I can understand the pet thing. Hug those loving critters as previously suggested. Maybe some oxytocin will be released.

Small changes can work wonders in the long run.your situation will not allow for a quick fix but giving up will not help you. Fast timing is not feasible from the sound of things. Have you tried using the SMART goals model? Time is definitely a speed bump for you but it is not a road block.

Im so glad you are not wanting to die!!

Keep trying with connections. Never give up because as i said you will stay stuck if you do. Ask your current connections for referrals to other connections maybe.

Half the battle is you have completed works to offer. Yay! Celebrate that!!

Can you contact your previous employer where you have experience. Maybe they can take you on or connect you with someone else.

Life is NOT over at 40. I know this as i am 45. I recently broke down based on some similar things you wrote about.i was in crisis. I had to pick myself up. No action would have landed me in the hospital.

Small actions!!

Your life wont be over. It just wont.

Did you know there are people who will mever recover from their debt? You will in 5 years? That is awesome!

I spent some years as a waitress and made very close to what you need in tips alone. Maybe try that? I dont know if that is one of your jobs already.

I also understand the ativan thing. Its a controlled substance here like codeine. Very controlled. Cant get it without a diagnosis. So maybe thats what the problem is there?

There is something im confused about though...if you dont ask for ativan, why would they think you are an addict?

May i ask where you are living now?

I hope im helpful. I hate that you are suffering like this.

Natasha

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I'm so sorry you are struggling so much right now, idlesoulbrixton.  I'm sorry that you feel triggered and insulted by another member's honesty.  Depression and anxiety can be very difficult and painful to deal with, especially over long periods of time.

Having said that, please know that feeling triggered does not give you the right to lash out and insult other members. 

When you feel so triggered by something, you need to learn to manage yourself and your emotions, instead of lashing out angrily at others. You need to learn to step back and think about what issues you are dealing with, why you are feeling certain emotions in response to an online comment, and figure out how you can better manage your emotions without lashing out at others.

DF is a peer to peer support site.  That means we are friends helping friends - sometimes with encouragement and support, sometimes with honesty. We all do our best to use our experience to help others in our own way. 

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I'm sorry I offended you, @June322 explained what I meant quite well, it definitely wasn't meant as an insult or value judgment. It's a natural mindset that develops when people face a lot of adversity, a feeling of being powerless and having external factors controlling their life (which may be perfectly true) and not being able to change or get out of the situation. It doesn't mean that someone won't fight or starts "playing a victim" either but it can lead people to overlook or dismiss possible solutions. 

Like the job thing, I have a relative who was on disability for 10 years and decided she was well enough to start working again. Many thought she'd fail, even her disability adviser questioned her decision saying it could be hard to get back on it if things don't work out and that most people can't find a job after not working for this long. She started her own company, joined the local chamber of commerce and used them to get free publicity including a newspaper article about her. A company came across this article and contacted her offering her a great position making as much as she made before disability, the job was never posted and they weren't actively looking for someone they just saw the article and thought "hey, we need someone and she seems like a great match." Sure, it took some luck but point being if she hadn't tried she wouldn't have been open to this opportunity, the people who get lucky tend to be those that create the right circumstances for luck to find them. Most available jobs are in the hidden job market, those who don't network and only apply to job postings are already way behind their competition because they never thought about or simply don't know how to access this hidden market. Not saying that you haven't tried hard enough or trying to blame you in any way, I don't know what you've tried to find a better job. Just an illustration of how sometimes there are solutions that the vast majority would never think of trying. 

8 hours ago, IdleSoulBrixton said:

3. I can't declare bankruptcy because one, I can't afford the legal fees. Are you aware that it costs hundreds of dollars to get a lawyer to do that? Of course I'd get a lawyer because I'm smart and when people try to do it by themselves they usually file wrong which is why I'd get an expert. Even if I could afford that, which I can't, the medical bill I have to pay has a cosigner on it. If I declare bankruptcy the load defaults to him and ruins his credit. I'm not going to do that, why would I screw someone else over because of this? Oh right because I'm not a victim and I don't force people to bare my burdens for me. I'm trying to be honest and work through this problem. 

Yes I am well aware of the legal costs of bankruptcy, I've looked into it myself due to 5-digit medical debts/eviction/car repo etc. Few people can truly "afford" bankruptcy, what most have to do is stop paying all non-essential bills to save up for it, it takes quite a bit of time before creditors sue debtors and win a judgment. Now yes, if you have a cosigner then your situation is obviously different and I agree with it not being a good option and it's commendable that you're not screwing them over (many would, speaking from experience after getting screwed over by a "friend" for over $10K.). 

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Hello idle, forgive my english, thats my second language. You are a fighter and thats good, I wish I can have your fortitude, I really wish. 

I struggle every day like you, I have nothing, I am unemployed, I have a son, I cant pay his bills. I have a good resume, but I have nothing. 

But.... my life isnt that bad after all, I am a writer, it doesnt pay any of my bills but I keep wrting, it makes me happy, this is what I like to do. Currently I am sellling my car to fix money issues, it is taking long but after that I will be better for a few motnhs until I get the job I am looking for, teacher. Thats what I want, it is taking too long, I am 45, suffer with depression for a long time, but at the end I am still alive, i dont konw how, but Iam Alive just like you. A few years ago I decided It was enough, I knew if I take this path It was going to be difficult but I did. I have been looking for that teacher position for the last year. Hopefully I dont have any debt. I understand that you are possibly in the usa, I lived there for 5 years and life was different than here. I have medical bills once becuase the insurance did not pay, bit I didnt have a cosigner, that is a different isses, and your are right, you mess up with other peoples credit. Anyway, think of you as a unique person, it is true that you have it difficult but there is always  light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes we dont see it because we are frustated, I am many a times. Right now I have depression symptoms, it is been over two weeks with it, and itm is not good. I am back on feluxetine, but it will start to work in a week or so, at least that is how my body reacts. I have lost over 8 kg of weight because of stress, but still Im fighting just like you, I thats what I like from you.

I hope I am usefull to you, my only objective is to relate to people in this web site and be helpfull. I wish i can steal you a smile. 

Finally I like your writing, it is very natural and fluid. I write almost every day, it helps me couping with my issues. You can open a blog and spread your word, I have two. You never know until you try, perhaps it suits you.

Idle, here you have a friend, though were miles away,

wish you the best

Flavio 

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