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CassAnn

Guilt - need help please!

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I'm not quite sure what's happening to me but I'm slowly but surely being eaten alive by guilt...over literally everything. It's really gotten bad lately and I don't know what to do with the way I feel. I feel worthless and useless and I'm always screwing up. I have zero support system. I have NO friends and I don't trust anyone. I try to tell my partner how I'm feeling but I'm horrible with communicating my feelings out loud to him. When I do actually try and talk it feels like he takes my words, twists them around and gets angry and upset making him the victim and me the bad guy,  like always. And there goes the guilt again! 
I have PTSD from severe trauma that started when I was very young and it some how became a pattern. I'm not a "man hater" at all, but the abuse and trauma just continued.  Man after man in my life. Uncle, father, men I sincerely loved, one in particular that never in my wildest dreams would I think he'd be the one to just... break me. 
But the guilt!  It's overwhelming. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to deal anymore. It's continuously getting worse. 
Any help,  ideas, suggestions or simple questions would be much appreciated. I literally have no one to talk to or turn to. 
Thanks for reading. 
~C

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What is it exactly that you feel guilty about?  Annoying your boyfriend?  The abuse you experienced in your past (and seems like you still are, the way your boyfriend responds so impatiently)?  Being alive?

Is there a crisis center in your town?  Someplace you could talk to a shrink on an emergency basis and set up a regimen of therapy and meds?  If not, I suggest going to an ER.

If you feel guilty about choosing men who hurt you, please start trying to forgive yourself.  You have NOTHING to feel guilty about and -- this is just my opinion -- guilt is a sort of mask that hides the real stuff you're feeling.  Those other emotions can be anger, rage, self-hatred, hatred of others, glee at someone's else unhappiness . . .

Take care of yourself immediately.  Also, if you're in a crisis center or ER and have a long wait, write a letter to your boyfriend.  That way you'll get no interruption, no put-downs, and if properly prepared, you'll have a record if your thoughts in order.

Please keep coming back to DF.  This is a VERY supportive place!

My best wishes for your healing --

WOTL

 

 

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Hello, CassAnn.

My name is Jennifer and, if you feel like it, you can always send me a private message by hoovering over my username and clicking "Message".

Like you, I've been wronged by many men in my life, and I know how (when they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and/or turn themselves into the victim) you wonder if maybe everything was your fault and maybe the way that they reacted was purely caused by your behavior. "Maybe if I had just done these things differently, it wouldn't have turned out like this". It's logical to conclude that different actions often lead to different outcomes, but, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions before assuming the title of "The Worst Person in the Entire World":

  1. If I saw someone else acting the way that I did, would I think that they deserved to feel the guilt that I'm feeling? Would I have told them the things that I'm telling myself in my head? If not, then why am I doing this to myself? If so, then ask yourself the following questions.
  2. If I really did something wrong, then how can I make it better? Do I have a time machine which I can use to travel back in time and undo the things that I've done? If not, then can I apologize to someone and, if they deserve the apology, would it make them feel better? How can I learn from this situation so that I may not repeat these mistakes?

All of our emotions, including guilt, serve a purpose. We feel guilt in order to alarm us of having violated a moral standard which could lead to our membership of a valued group being retracted and, since we're much less likely to survive on our own in the wilderness, that feeling of guilt can completely consume us. The problem with this is that we don't live in the wilderness, but our brains haven't quite figured that out yet. It's likely the reason for a lot of mental health problems. With this information in mind, we can recognize that our responses aren't always appropriate to the events that unfold in our lives. Sometimes, we have to step out of ourselves and try to look at the situation objectively in order to act rationally.

As for where you might find professional help, if you feel like you would like to have that, I'd agree with womanofthelight of how you might go about receiving it.

Until next time, take care. :icon12:

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@CassAnn I agree with the excellent help the previous posters offered, Especially Blueblood's comments about our responses to events in our lives (see quote below).  I also have PTSD, also from a lot of trauma throughout my life and also, mostly from men. 

As I've gotten older and have learned to look at my childhood abuses through adult eyes, I have been able to process things a little better, without the emotions.  I often remember a recurring dream I had as a child. Just last week I was reading some devotional material about the darkness and that dream came to my mind.  I started to feel panicked and began to wonder if the dream wasn't really a dream, but my childish way of processing an abuse.  The thing is, children can't process and analyze things the way adults can.  Children suppress events but the emotions stay in your mind.  When something happens that reminds you of that abuse, your emotions instantly react, before you even have time to think about it.  That's PTSD and panic attacks.

I have spent the past decade or more trying to understand myself, forgive my abusers and learn to process events without having a panic attack. I have read dozens of self help books.  It has taken a lot of work on my part, but I can honestly say I am a lot more emotionally healthy.

If you are open to reading, I would recommend The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron; Take Your Life Back by David Stoop; and The Lies We Believe by Chris Thirmin.

6 hours ago, Blueblood said:

With this information in mind, we can recognize that our responses aren't always appropriate to the events that unfold in our lives. Sometimes, we have to step out of ourselves and try to look at the situation objectively in order to act rationally.

 

 

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