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sabiflitch

Jail and the mental hospital were better for me than being free

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Sometimes I worry about the fact that, from time to time, I was more stable when I was in the mental hospital at 16/17 years of age and in jail just this last November. I think I feel this way because of the safety those places provided. I was under such strict regulations, it was almost peaceful. I had things to do, but technically nothing to do. I had been heavily suicidal when I was about 14 until I was 19, maybe until 21. I was constantly writing goodbye letters, cleaning my room. I had planned to jump off a nearby bridge in the winter, or  to hang myself in my closet at 14. If I look over the little things I've been through, I am sometimes shocked, embarrassed, or surprised if I've forgotten something. I'm just always trying to figure out WHY I feel the ways I feel. I've had a good life, but if I were to ever find a counselor/therapist I'd tell them these things. (Sorry if its triggering for anyone, just gotta get it out).

 

  • 13 years old, panic attacks began. So crippling I would fall out of my desk at school or collapse on the floor suddenly and sent to the ER. I became homeschooled from then on, which never was successful due to my parents lack of discipline or dare I say, they didn't really show much effort toward my home schooling. Most of the time dad never wanted to come out of his room to meet my teacher.

 

  • 14 years old, after the never ending attacks I became more depressed. My mother being a dug addict herself, would always be sleeping. Never could catch a movie with mom without her falling asleep before the show even began. Going in every 3 hours to try to bring her food or help her up so dad didn't get mad again and start a fight. Mom sometimes would fall asleep while driving or have late reactions, so driving with her I'd sometimes go into panic attacks. My panic attacks were so painful they woke me up from a dead sleep, for 8 hours on the side of my bed, curled up in a ball full of tears and exhaust. 

 

  • 14 years old, my first attempt and real thoughts of chickening myself. I set up a place to hang myself in my closet, or like I said above, planned to jump off a bridge. I also was cutting myself back then, and to this day I can still make out where my scars were. At this age I also developed my terrible skin picking habit that is still with me today. 

 

  • From 14 until 16 I lived with both my parents. My dad began seeing another woman behind my moms back, even though it was well than over for my parents, he asked me not to say anything. It didn't last with that lady. My dad wouldn't come home sometimes, and eventually couldn't help with rent. My mom and I moved in with my moms friend and her husband for a while. I had just turned 16 when we moved out. I lost my virginity to my mom's friends' son who was 26 at the time. Poor living conditions, little space, and a drug filled house. That same year, we moved again, only this time my mom and I moved in with this ladys son to an apartment near by. This guy had PTSD from being in the army.. and he made me feel cared for up until after we moved. He bought me a kitten and we would often have sex. When we didn't do that anymore, he would bring home girls and I could hear them having sex in his room. He left in the middle of the night one night and took my cat, the tv, and some other things. Just left. After that, my mom couldn't support me. We made it in that apartment for a while, but she was so messed up on her drugs. She took vicodin methadone, 800 mg seroquel, fentanyl patches, and one other drug I can't remember. She had a seizure one day and I had a very bad staph infected abscess developed on my upper thigh, just below my buttcheek so it was almost impossible to walk. My mom locked herself in the bathroom somehow during this seizure. She lost control of her bowels and was foaming at the mouth. I sprained her arm on accident trying to roll her over so she wouldnt choke on her tongue or bite it too hard. I had no phone or shoes or money for help so I ran out in the street screaming and stopped someone in their car. 

 

  • At 17, I told my mom I was going to **** myself and that I wanted to go to a hospital. And I did, I stayed at Sierra Vista Mental Hospital on suicide watch for 8 days. I was released after that.  And after that, my mom and I moved in with my best friend and her family for about 1 month before I ran away from home. When I ran away, I ran away to a man I had been talking to online since I was 14. He ended up being good for me. He wasn't this weird predator. Some of my most heartfelt memories are with him, but it wasn't going to be forever. In the midst of all of my problems I began using sex and my body as a way to feel good about myself.

 

  • At the age of 21 I eventually met a "Master" (BDSM) online and ran away to him in Indianna. I was in complete understanding of what I was doing and what I was risking (my life essentially). He beat me, manipulated my mind, choked me out once to where I collapsed, threatened to lock me in closets or have his friends come gang rape me and give me aids. Then after that he would cuddle me, pet me, play video games with me and allow me to smoke 1 cigarette and have 1 drink if I was good enough. He also urinated on me and once, defecated on me. (<-- I am most ashamed about that part..)  Eventually I became a cam girl. Made at least $3,000 for the small amount of time I did this. But it was traumatic, lonely, scary, and cold. I ran to this abuser in the middle of the night after a huge fight with other man. This was nearing the time I knew I had to start over, in california, back home. I can't believe my mentality when I was in Indianna. I was completely shattered and my plan was to go into porn.

I MIGHT POST A PART 2...

But I don't think I need to. My point is, well, first off thank you so much if you made it to here, I knew it was going to be a lot to type out and for you all to read.

My point is that I am dying to tell a therapist about this and get some help. I want to be happy on the outside and inside. I want to be free again and let my past go. It was pretty embarrassing for me to write the last paragraph... but I've never told anyone..

 

 

Edited by sabiflitch

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Wow. You have been through one helluva lot (just call me Capt. Obvious). I want to thank you for sharing. I need to think for awhile about a better response. But I'm happy you are here...and I wish you the very best.

I'll be back to get into more depth here...

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The most fascinating thing for me is that you can say, "I've had a good life" (end of the first paragraph). You have an amazing perspective and great self-awareness. I bow to your resilience.

Again, I'm happy you are still with us.

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I hate to say this, but maybe WHY you feel the ways that you do isn't as important as WHAT you can do about it. I know, I know, it's cliche and not very helpful, but speaking from my own experience, the reason why I am all depressed and stuff is so hard to grasp that trying to get a hold of it ends up making me even more depressed. It's like, I spend a lot of time trying to find the answer only to come up empty handed, which leaves me to think that I must somehow deserve depression or not be deserving of happiness and love. At least, that's what happens to me when I worry about why I'm the way I am and I wonder if you're experiencing something along those lines.

If it will put your mind at ease even a small bit though, I can tell you this factoid, though you probably already know it. People who do jail time often end up going back. I'm talking like 2/3rds of prisoners are repeat offenders (In The U.S.A. that is). Hundreds of psychological interviews with returning inmates reveal that they felt more secure, comfortable, and stable in prison. I've never done jail time, so I don't know anything first hand, but I can imagine going from having most of your day planned out for you every day, to having to do all that yourself, it honestly makes sense why someone who does jail time might want to go back.

I can't pretend to know what any of the stuff you went through was like. However, I don't think I would've been able to enjoy any aspect of my life had I kept asking why I was born with 20/200 eyesight (that's legally blind, just so ya know), or why I was always so stressed out and depressed during my time in college. It was only after I came to this forum and starting to investigate what I could do about it that I started the long climb out of the pits of depression. While I can't say I'm depression free, I'm a lot better off than I was in 2015 when I was at my lowest.

I think it's great that you want to see a therapist, but good therapists aren't always easy to find and aren't always affordable for your average wage. It'd be awesome if you got to do therapy one day though. Until then, I hope you'll stick around on the forum. There are people a lot more helpful than me here, and even though it doesn't count as therapy, talking about your state of mind sometimes can still be good for you so long as you feel people are listening (and somebody will always listen on this forum).

I hope some of this rambling was a tad bit helpful. Sorry it's so long.

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My heart hurts for you and all that you've gone through.  I can see why you might have anxiety since you've never had a safe place.  I can see why you so want boundaries in your life.  I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore, or be with abusers, or to go to jail.  I think a good therapist would be a great step to starting your healing.  Focus on the Family has a free consultation (855.382.5433) with a licensed counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area.  Get into therapy and take baby steps to recover your heart and keep your eye on the prize of living the life you want and being the person you want to be.  You have shown incredible strength to come through all that and to still have the presence of mind to know when things are damaging.  I so pray for a transformation of your pain into joy!

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On 3/3/2018 at 6:40 AM, jayni said:

My heart hurts for you and all that you've gone through.  I can see why you might have anxiety since you've never had a safe place.  I can see why you so want boundaries in your life.  I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore, or be with abusers, or to go to jail.  I think a good therapist would be a great step to starting your healing.  Focus on the Family has a free consultation (855.382.5433) with a licensed counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area.  Get into therapy and take baby steps to recover your heart and keep your eye on the prize of living the life you want and being the person you want to be.  You have shown incredible strength to come through all that and to still have the presence of mind to know when things are damaging.  I so pray for a transformation of your pain into joy!

Thank you so much for what you said. Its always tough writing it when Im not sure what type of feedback I will get from it. I love life and Im so loved so I hate complaining you know? But I have a right to my feelings. Im going to save that number you gave me even though Im finding a therapist now in my area, could always save it if it doesnt work out with my choice. Hey we get stronger each day even if we dont realize it,  thanks again!!

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You are so welcome!  Your feelings are something you should always pay attention to.  But not always follow.  I like journaling to help me vent and sort things out then I go back one or two days later and see how I don't exactly feel the same.  I don't always trust my emotions but I do pay attention to them.  I don't think you are complaining, but you are calling for help and that's okay.  We are made to need others' help at times.  I'm so very hopeful for you...

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