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Trying to stay safe alone


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Hello all, new to the forum here.

I won’t write long because I’ve got too much to say it would be excessive. Before anyone tells me to get off my arse and get a job and move out. I am working multiple part time/seasonal jobs in order to save for my own place but I am unable to move out as I am still too young it would be illegal where I live. 

When I was 10 and under my parents divorced. I had been kidnaped for a few months. I did visits with mother. They where traumatic, I’d be so scared to go there. I cried for weeks before and after the 2-4 week visits. I got screamed at, allientated from my father, sexually abused, she made me sleep with her boyfriends, she encouraged me to drink large amounts of alcohol and they would be abusing drugs. But so much alcohol, I could just smell it off someone and start panicking and crying. 

I got to talk to a school consoler who helped me to dis-continue with visits by referring me to a lawyer (yes at 11 I know) and a physiologist. And this school consoler was just nice to have someone to talk to feel like I wasn’t alone. I would talk to my step-mom. My trust was already messed up so I started by just saying the smaller stuff and tried not to talk about major events...We moved shortly after and started homeschooling (living a very far away from town) my step mom started drinking lots. I would try explaining how it made me feel every time but she would say I was over reacting/being a control freak/not letting her enjoy herself. So I stopped asking. Between them there is still lots of swearing, criticism, being physically abused by one and emotionally abused by the other, called nasty names, hearing how your a disappointment and nothing I do is ever good enough even though I do the majority of all cleaning and cooking.

I got so upset. I stayed over with a family member with my parents permission one night when the step mom was really drunk. I started to open up and say why this hurt so much. They listen. My step mom after a few hours was trying to get me to come home and making threats to send me to foster care/call the police and you name it. 

It was a mess after I didn’t leave the house for months and wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone without supervision. There was a lot of fighting, getting slapped, screamed at and the like. I got very suicidal and made a few attempts, one being nearly successful. They found out and again it was more being disciplined, being told I was dramatic and looking for attention. I felt so numb these last few months and I’m just going through motions now. I’ve been cutting, I’m trying not to it just makes it hurt less and keeps me from saying anything to them cause I have no friends or people I can trust. 

 

I mostly just just needed to get that off my chest but how do I keep myself safe? From both them and myself. I’m depressed, I can’t sleep, if I do I’m having nightmares and waking up shaking/sweating. I had a really bad anxiety attack they almost took me to the hospital but I insisted it was just my Athsma. I want nothing more than to die, I want to cut. I’m not like that though I’m not mean I’m a gentle person but I don’t know how to get attached or trust. I want to move far away ASAP. 

 

Tips for coping all by yourself?

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I don’t think you should be doing this by yourself hun. You should not be in the situation and none of this is your fault! You are a product of your environment and you need some help.

 

If you’re under legal age to care for yourself, you should be properly taken care of by the adults in your life. I am so so sorry you’re going through this.

 

If you have access to the hospital or a mental health facility, tell them the thoughts of harm you have been having. Tell them that you have been abused and are unsafe. Get the help you need and feel no shame in your actions! Nothing you have done or said is dramatic. If anything you’re under-dramatic, and need to act harsh to get the help you need.

 

Please, please, please take care of yourself! The suicide hotline is always open, and I believe they have a website too. 1-800-273-8255

 

No one deserves the way you’ve been treated. Big hugs! Please message me anytime. 

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I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this, your incredibly brave and you shouldn’t have to go through anything alone, do you know if there are charities in your area that can help? Here in the UK we have NSPCC and other charities for young people, there is usually something similar in different areas. 

If you are in immediate danger you could tell a professional, a teacher, doctor, hospital, legal services etc so they can get you some help, at such a young age it is an adults responsibility to ensure that you are safe, not something you should have to do alone. I agree with Tid, please use the hotline if you have any thoughts of self harm or suicide. 

Please check in and keep us posted that you’re Ok, there are an abundance of members on the forums that care and are here for support when you need it, 

Best wishes 

Leila 

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