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Tid322

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I feel like I am drowning in problems. Mostly not my own, but they still effect me deeply. I’ve always had a problem with being vulnerable. I hate showing any sort of weakness. Whenever I have shown vulnerability it’s come back to bite me, and hard. So my feelings cannot be trusted to anyone but myself. It gets very isolating and depressing and I hate how fake I have to be.

 

I hate having to put on a smile even though I want desperately to cry. Everyone in my family is leaning on me because I am so strong during these difficult and trying times. I have tried being the one to cry and it wasn’t accepted and I felt like I let everyone down and people started to pull away from me.

 

Why is depression so stigmatized and such a shameful thing? I finally recently made friends with a group of ladies online, and I can’t even come out to those strangers about my issues. Instead I offer consolation for them and strong shoulder to cry on with a fake smile and positive message, when really I just want to cry out to someone.

 

If I didn’t have this forum, I don’t know where I’d keep my secrets and sanity. 

 

I guess I am struggling with my emotions and identity. Because strength has become so ingrained in my personality but it isn’t who I really am. I am the weakest most pathetic and uncontrolled  human I know. I can’t get the psychological help I need, because of the fear of the stigma, because of the fear of confronting my emotions, and for the fear of legal repercussions. I feel like I am hopeless, but I have to live in a hopeless existence with a fake smile plastered on my face.

 

I feel like a failure in every single sense of life, and since it isn’t just my life I am affecting I hate myself that much more. Self loathing is a full time chore, so there is no time for self love or appreciation.

 

I am not even sure why I wrote this. I guess just to release part of my thoughts somewhere and unload them from my mind. Sorry for the trouble, but thank you for your time if you’ve read this far. 

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Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, and I can't begin to understand the gravity of your situation, but just know that you are certainly not alone in this, and certainly not a failure. I think one of the hardest parts of dealing with mental illness is the fact that you're forced to put on a one man show in order to survive, because if you don't pretend to be okay, other people might/will judge or won't accept you. It's also ironic how it's usually the people with the most emotional burdens, and least amount of support, that end up becoming the backbone or constant support to those in need around them. You basically end up putting the needs of others before your own, and end up caring for everyone but yourself. I'm currently undergoing a similar experience, some of what you've said really resonated with me. I think you pinpointed the problems that come along with that quite well. Even though you are human and need emotional release as well, you never get that chance, because you are constantly having to build up and cater to the feelings of those around you. Then you get stuck with this sort of fake rock-like facade that isn't actually a reality for you at all, so when you need to break it, people don't understand why and become disappointed, which is super unfair to you. I'm sad that I can't offer you and life changing advice, but I can humbly offer up some ideas or concepts that have helped me/or things I'm currently working on. The first is to acknowledge that you're human and not invincible. It's okay to be weak, and it's impossible to be everyone's rock 24/7. If the people around you can't understand that, they aren't very understanding and it would be good to try and meet people with a more open mindset who are willing to be an outlet for you in a way that you've been for other people. I know that's hard to find, but even starting here and getting your emotions out like you did in this post is a good way to begin. Another thing is that, though it might be difficult, and you might be left with backlash or some being disappointed, I think you should try your very best to be more open about how you really feel. If you aren't in a good place and you can't handle dealing with someone else's problems, try to let them know that you also aren't in a great place right now, and politely express that for the sake of your own mental health you need to steer clear of providing any "counseling" for the time being. If you're upset around your family, or whoever it is that usually relies on you, begin gradually showing or expressing your thoughts so that it's not all at once and they can hopefully begin to grow used to it over time and realize this is who you are. One thing I do when I have a lot of pent up emotions is take up a new or old hobby that relieves me of any stress... something that can take my mind off of things. I guess lastly, and most importantly, is to just remember that you are important. Just as important as those around you. It's okay to advocate for yourself and put your own needs first in situations like these. You have to lookout for yourself, especially in cases like this were no one else is going to do it for you. I don't know if any of this will be helpful, but i hope you will continue to hang in there.  

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Thank you AKB for reading and responding. I really do appreciate your time, opinion, and advice on the matter.

 

You have some solid advice, like a slow trickle of my emotions to my family may be helpful in the long run. I feel like I have actually started a slow process with my husband, but the conversations end up an argument between us and makes me go further between the times I open up to him. Last year I spoke to him about my feelings five times, and the last time it was nearly six months between because the argument got a little to viscous leaving me unprotected and vulnerable. It’s hard to tell anybody anything because in my past they always use the information against me for their benefit.

 

I wish I could take up a new hobby. One of my main issues is where we moved to. Every hobby I’ve had throughout my entire life is completely inaccessible to me where I now live. I used to use them as an escape and it made life so much more worth it to me. Now I feel like an empty shell of myself, I feel lifeless and lackluster. I’ve tried to gain a new hobby and I just don’t have the motivation or desire. It’s frustrating because I do want it. I just don’t possess the energy or effort to do so.

 

Thank you for your kind words, and perfectly understandable perspectives. It really does make a difference when someone else can say to you “I get it. You’re not alone. And you’re okay!”

 

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When it comes to self-loathing I would just advise you to declare a truce with yourself.

We all know how crushing life problems can be and how important it is to seek the help.

You can unload as much as you need.

This forum really does help so many depression sufferers.

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1 hour ago, Tid322 said:
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I feel like I am drowning in problems. Mostly not my own, but they still effect me deeply. I’ve always had a problem with being vulnerable. I hate showing any sort of weakness. Whenever I have shown vulnerability it’s come back to bite me, and hard. So my feelings cannot be trusted to anyone but myself. It gets very isolating and depressing and I hate how fake I have to be.

 

I hate having to put on a smile even though I want desperately to cry. Everyone in my family is leaning on me because I am so strong during these difficult and trying times. I have tried being the one to cry and it wasn’t accepted and I felt like I let everyone down and people started to pull away from me.

 

Why is depression so stigmatized and such a shameful thing? I finally recently made friends with a group of ladies online, and I can’t even come out to those strangers about my issues. Instead I offer consolation for them and strong shoulder to cry on with a fake smile and positive message, when really I just want to cry out to someone.

 

If I didn’t have this forum, I don’t know where I’d keep my secrets and sanity. 

 

I guess I am struggling with my emotions and identity. Because strength has become so ingrained in my personality but it isn’t who I really am. I am the weakest most pathetic and uncontrolled  human I know. I can’t get the psychological help I need, because of the fear of the stigma, because of the fear of confronting my emotions, and for the fear of legal repercussions. I feel like I am hopeless, but I have to live in a hopeless existence with a fake smile plastered on my face.

 

I feel like a failure in every single sense of life, and since it isn’t just my life I am affecting I hate myself that much more. Self loathing is a full time chore, so there is no time for self love or appreciation.

 

I am not even sure why I wrote this. I guess just to release part of my thoughts somewhere and unload them from my mind. Sorry for the trouble, but thank you for your time if you’ve read this far. 

It is a good thing to let out your emotions .I've started a journal recently and it has been helpful. I have no idea what you are going through but I can speak from my own experience and depression sucks. I feel alone a lot and my husband tries so hard to help me but I hate opening up so its not always successful. 

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1 hour ago, Tid322 said:

Thank you AKB for reading and responding. I really do appreciate your time, opinion, and advice on the matter.

You have some solid advice, like a slow trickle of my emotions to my family may be helpful in the long run. I feel like I have actually started a slow process with my husband, but the conversations end up an argument between us and makes me go further between the times I open up to him. Last year I spoke to him about my feelings five times, and the last time it was nearly six months between because the argument got a little to viscous leaving me unprotected and vulnerable. It’s hard to tell anybody anything because in my past they always use the information against me for their benefit.

I wish I could take up a new hobby. One of my main issues is where we moved to. Every hobby I’ve had throughout my entire life is completely inaccessible to me where I now live. I used to use them as an escape and it made life so much more worth it to me. Now I feel like an empty shell of myself, I feel lifeless and lackluster. I’ve tried to gain a new hobby and I just don’t have the motivation or desire. It’s frustrating because I do want it. I just don’t possess the energy or effort to do so.

Thank you for your kind words, and perfectly understandable perspectives. It really does make a difference when someone else can say to you “I get it. You’re not alone. And you’re okay!”

 

No problem, that is what we are here for. :) Ah, I see I am sorry about the difficulties in conversation with your husband. That's really unfortunate and I could see how that would discourage you from wanting to open up any further. I wish I had a solution to offer you to that problem. For now, I saw other people mention journaling, and I agree that might be a good temporary fix for you to let out your thoughts and emotions without risk of confrontation or backlash.

As for hobbies, I wasn't exactly meaning a hobby that involved going somewhere, though those would have been perfectly viable options too had they been available to you. I just meant something simple that you could do yourself at home like learning a new language through online materials, drawing/painting, going for walks, listening to music, photography, blogging etc. Just simple at home tasks that could make you feel like you're taking your mind off of things. However, I can totally understand having a lack of motivation. It's so hard to bring yourself to do something or should I say, start something, when you're in a rut like this. I think "beginning" is the hardest part. Maybe if you planned a day where you said okay at this time on this day I'm going to do ____. and then hold yourself to it. It might be really difficult, but it might give you a feeling of accomplishment and relief if you manage to follow through with it. No pressure, but it's just something to consider. It's something I still struggle with at the moment as well, so I know it's a lot easier said than done.

Edited by AKB48
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Thank you Oscar for your support.

 

Thank you again AKB and Rachie as well. It’s so funny you two mentioned journaling. I was just reading about bullet journaling. It seems like it could be a full time operation, but a rewarding one that may help with a new hobby and feeling of accomplishment. I was also meddling with the idea of creating a blog about depression. Not sure if that would be counterproductive.

 

But thank you all for your reassurance and help. It’s truly appreciated.

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