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I have a crush but i suffer from depression


Andreigg789

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 So as you probably guessed i have a crush. In my eyes,at least she is the perfect girl: smart sweet cute. But i don't have any chance with her and that makes me even more depressed. There is not a moment when i think about something else than her. We talk daily and i feel very unconfortable while doing so. Unfortunatly we can barely see each other in real life, we have an intersecting sechdule. I feel less bad even good when i talk to her but as soon as she goes to bed or does something else than talking to me i again feel like i am at the bottom. I care so much about her that i honestly dont want her to be with me cause she deserves someone as special as her which is not me. It's like i am a 1 and i want to be with a 10. I really cant stand this anymore and i feel like i wanna die. I simply feel miserable. 

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Being somewhat of an expert when it comes to crushes and unrequited love I would advise you to cut her out of your life if you can't be with her.  Crushes can be like an addiction, the more time you spend talking to them or thinking about them the stronger the need to be around them gets. Staying friends is incredibly hard and it's like you're on an emotional roller-coaster, particularly when the moment comes that their relationship status changes. The other problem with crushes is that we put the person on a pedestal, this is not very attractive (women generally want a strong and equal partner, not someone who grovels at their feet) and she couldn't possibly live up to your expectations if you did end up in a relationship with her, she's just human. 

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You don't need her. You've carried on with your life without her thus far. You don't need a relationship like that to bring you down. You shouldn't be with anyone you feel significantly less than. Focus on yourself man. Ditch her friendship if you need to. People who bring you down intentionally or not aren't needed in your life. Depression tells us that we're worthless. It tries to lower our self esteem to the point where we accept the most unfair circumstances as okay. But they're not. They're not okay. Personally, I've rejected the advances of plenty of troublesome women who only wanted me to satisfy their lust. I refused to waste one night on them. For me, it's love or its nothing at all. Don't waste your time on someone who clearly isn't for you. If you're going to look for a woman, make sure that she's someone who's on the same page as you. Make sure to take care of yourself first. Relationships don't work unless both partners have priorities in their lives that go above and beyond each other. When you're ready for a relationship, it'll be easier for you to connect. I wish you all the best man. Do what's best for you, okay? You don't need a SO to lead a better life. 

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I tried cutting her out. But she keeps popping back in my mind or my messages. I hate that she is sooo friendly and caring. She has been with me through some difficult times and vice versa. I hate seeing other couples and how much they love each other, a sensation i never felt. Yeah it's an addiction, i feel like i have to be with her (not in a relationship, just next to her) because i can be myself around her and forget about the world and it's problems. But as i say goodnight or we part ways i feel like having a big hole in my heart, in my soul.

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I can’t relate to this topic more. I agree with lonelyforeigner, if you’re taking so much hurt from not being able to be with her, you should remove yourself entirely from the situation. I know how hard that can be, but if you can’t ask her out and you can’t be without her you’re in a vicious cycle. The only way I’ve gotten out of these situations is by leaving the cycle.

-KylePD

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Hi Andreigg789,

    I didn't see your Friday posts until today.  How are you doing today?  I wish I had some great insight or wisdom, but sadly I don't.  Having never been good at relationships, including crushes, I am the last person on earth to give advice.  But I am so sorry to read that you are suffering.  Such suffering can be really painful and horrible. 

I greatly hope that things improve for you.  You deserve a good life where you can experience peace of mind and the full range of joys of living.  I aslo hope you will be alright.  My heart goes out to you!  - epictetus

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Sincerly i am not doing any better than Friday. I am not really sure how to cut myself from the vicious cycle. I mean how am i supossed to tell her i can't be friends with her anymore because it makes me more depressed and makes me want to **** myself? It feels too hard. Like she is the one of the 3 people i talk to daily so of course it is hard to cut her. It feels like cutting a limb or a third of my soul. And worse of all i never experienced such joy around someone before. Hope you get in touch soon

Andrei

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Hi, I am sorry that you feel like this. Take my advice with a huge grain of salt, in my opinion I would go for it and ask her out. Better to try and fail than never tried at all. Maybe it is your depression that is telling you that you can't get a girl like that, depression is a serial liar and distorts all of our self image, at least in my case. Were do you get the idea I can't be with here because I am worthless, that is not true at all, you are worthy, you have the guts to write a very personal thing in a forum that is courage and a lot of it.

I know that my "advice" is contrary to everybody else and I might be dead wrong and maybe I am and doing that will cause you a lot of pain because of the rejection but the pain of what could've been is far worse. Failure is the best teacher but if you don't fail you never learn and maybe it can be a success.

Again take my words with a caution and I apologize in advance if I said something that might not be useful or hurtful.

Hope you can work this out, cheers

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14 hours ago, SpeSalvi said:

Hi, I am sorry that you feel like this. Take my advice with a huge grain of salt, in my opinion I would go for it and ask her out. Better to try and fail than never tried at all. Maybe it is your depression that is telling you that you can't get a girl like that, depression is a serial liar and distorts all of our self image, at least in my case. Were do you get the idea I can't be with here because I am worthless, that is not true at all, you are worthy, you have the guts to write a very personal thing in a forum that is courage and a lot of it.

I know that my "advice" is contrary to everybody else and I might be dead wrong and maybe I am and doing that will cause you a lot of pain because of the rejection but the pain of what could've been is far worse. Failure is the best teacher but if you don't fail you never learn and maybe it can be a success.

Again take my words with a caution and I apologize in advance if I said something that might not be useful or hurtful.

Hope you can work this out, cheers

This, 100%. I've been there more times than I can count, and the only way you are going to gain closure on this is to ask her out. Remember, not everyone is interested in looks primarily. A lot of women go more for personality than anything else. You may have a better chance with her than you think. If she says no, it's gonna hurt like hell but you can start moving on. If she still talks to you even after, and it causes problems, you may want to write her a polite e-mail explaining your situation and telling her that it is not healthy for either one of you to continue seeing or talking to each other. 

Crushes are an awful thing, and are not "love" or an indication that someone is right for you. I don't think they serve any good purpose at all, but they still happen. I have never had a crush on my wife, and I am glad for that fact. I love her for who she really is, which is much stronger and realistic.

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Hey everyone, thanks for supporting me. 

So i guess i will try ta talk to her more for about a week then i will ask her. Hopefully everything will end up great. But probably not. She gives mixed signals. Like she asked me how she was looking in a photo ( and she is like extremly shy, dosen't give the first message ever.) So i complimented her and asked why does she need my opinion and told me i am special for her. I really don't know what to make from all the mixed signals. I have a lot more i could talk about but i won't fill you up with details. They are almost the same. She once called me a big brother ( at first i wanted to cry of joy, then i wanted to cry cause you know, big brother) 

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Hi Andreigg789, 

I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering, feelings sure can be intense when you like someone this much. 

You need to know that your not less than and that you deserve all the happiness that comes your way, what’s important is that you think these things about yourself. 

Whatever you decide to do and where you decide to take this relationship I hope it all goes well for you and whether your in or out of a relationship working on yourself is top priority so that your confident and secure in yourself. :flowers:

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On 2/21/2018 at 3:29 PM, Andreigg789 said:

Hey everyone, thanks for supporting me. 

So i guess i will try ta talk to her more for about a week then i will ask her. Hopefully everything will end up great. But probably not. She gives mixed signals. Like she asked me how she was looking in a photo ( and she is like extremly shy, dosen't give the first message ever.) So i complimented her and asked why does she need my opinion and told me i am special for her. I really don't know what to make from all the mixed signals. I have a lot more i could talk about but i won't fill you up with details. They are almost the same. She once called me a big brother ( at first i wanted to cry of joy, then i wanted to cry cause you know, big brother) 

Sounds like a plan. Mixed signals may simply mean that she is not good at dropping hints about how she really feels about you. Or, she really may be confused about how she feels. You need to lay out how you feel to her and ask her out sooner rather than later. The longer it goes on, the more it is going to hurt both of you. Not to mention the fact that, if she really is interested in you, you don't want to delay to the point that she concludes you don't feel the same way. Keep us posted!

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I know I'm quite late to this,but felt wrong not to give my own input. I think the most important thing here is to confess your feelings to her. I've been down this road, some of my friends have been down this road, and we all agree that the misery and pain comes from trying to hide these feelings. The mental strain is just too much to keep up for an extended period of time.

Look, I'm gonna tell you what worked for me. If the issue is already resolved, great. Ignore me. Otherwise, keep reading.

Basically, I laid most of my feelings out in the open for her to see in an email. I told her that I was incredibly nervous just talking to her, that I thought about her often and that she meant a whole lot to me. I told her that this wasn't a proposal for a date or anything, but an attempt to get it all out in the open because keeping secrets from her was an awful feeling. Then, just to prove to myself I had no chance, I asked her if she would ever consider being my girlfriend in the future. I stressed that her answer would not bring any harm to our current relationship as friends and that I would respect her decision, even if that decision was to never speak to me again for such a ridiculous email. The moment I hit "send", I already felt better. Excited, bu not stressed out. And if you're curious, she replied telling me she felt just as unworthy as I did, then we dated for awhile and went back to being friends. Now, while I'm actually still recovering from that relationship (it was a necessary break up, as I can't give her what she wants and we're both too young to already settle like that), I still got a valuable experience from it and I suspect I'll be over it much faster than my previous crushes who I successfully hid my love from for years at a time.

Bottom line, confess for the sake of your sanity. Don't worry about landing a date or any of that stuff. I think the goal of a confession is to clear the air on what you think of somebody first, and to get a date second. Knowing exactly where you stand in a relationship with somebody is perhaps the most valuable thing you can get from doing this, and you might even be surprised to find out where you stand.

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Late is better than never. I landed a date kind of ( not really a date. Just more a meeting under a cup of coffe) and i will try my best to lay out what i feel about her. The feelings increases in intensity each day. It got to the point where i harmed myself. I am not proud of it. I hate actually. But it is the only way to feel anything else. I have gotten her like a nice gift and all. I just hope i have the courage to tell her. In the meantime i learned some things about her cause she opened up to me. She was in a relationship with a guy. They broke up. She came back to him, cause she loved him. He said they should get back together only so he can hurt her by cheating on her. She went into depression and stayed there some time. She also told me she has some weird fetishes with pain. I am not sure why. I really need advice how to approach her, because the last thing i want is to make her feel bad. I'd rather die than making her feel bad.

So she has some trust issues and is very carefull with people. Today she said she wanted to kiss me after talking and making some compliments.Probably in a friendly way. She also said she cares about me. It is the first time someone actually cares about me. And i actually kind of asked what she would think about a relationship about 2 weeks ago, and forgot to told ya. She said that given time, why not be with me. But i suppose we gotten a lot more close in the last couple of weeks. She recently founded out that her bff was talking behind her back. So i am afraid of everything i say now. So i really need advice on how to approach her

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I am glad to hear that you went for it, and it seems it went pretty good, I am so glad. So it turns out she isn't that perfect, well that is depression it make us believe everybody is way better and perfect than us when in reality its nothing like that. And that is good that she isn't perfect becuase nobody is and now you can begin to see her for what she really is, that is a true relationship. 

Falling in love or being infatuated does make us feel miserable and then really high, it is normal for everybody to feel this cycles, I can guess that what you are going thru is a bit worse given that you are depressed but it is normal, embrace those feelings and don't hurt yourself no need to do that.

Now  my advice is to keep being you and thats it, it may actually be that both of you are very similar. Remember you are not worthless, it is just your mind telling you lies, you can do this and I believe you will. You deserve somebody who cares for you and vice versa, treat her with respect as you have been doing things up until now and thats it. She already trust you otherwise she wouldn't tell you anything about her live and that is a really good sign, people don't disclose things to others who don't like.

 

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Hello again all.

So the date is this friday. If it gets cancelled post poned or something i will update. In the mean time instead of saying how i feel i think it's easier to draw, even if i am bad at it. Don't ask me why or something. I actually got pretty nervous and at first i wanted to throw them away. But idk, i suppose i just need support and approval. I feel bad for posting this on here for some reason, probably cause i am bad at drawing. And i hate myself for doing this, but i need some kind of support11f1260b24240138d7a5152351012a76.thumb.jpg.221476215cbe5d83990f6ab54e086cff.jpg

20180304_011341.jpg

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I told her how i feel. I cuted her out of my heart, my soul, and my life. I can't feel anything except pain, suffering, regret. I am not sure what to do. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I am not sure what to say, my mind feels like a cloud. I need help. I need happiness

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6 hours ago, Andreigg789 said:

I told her how i feel. I cuted her out of my heart, my soul, and my life. I can't feel anything except pain, suffering, regret. I am not sure what to do. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I am not sure what to say, my mind feels like a cloud. I need help. I need happiness

Sorry to pry, but can you elaborate? What happened? Can you just take some deep breaths, calm down, and explain what is going on? You told her how much she meant to you, but you also pushed her out of your life? I, and many others, are here to listen to and support you, but I really don't know what to say to that. Please, it's partially my own fault for suggesting you reveal your feelings. I want to help if I can, or at least apologize if my advice was crappy.

 

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No,no your advice was good. I still feel horrible. So yeah, i met up with her, gave her a small gift, and taken her to starbucks. I told her how much she meant to me, and how she made me feel. I told her i was feeling heavenly while she was around and i felt i couldn't live anymore when she leaves. I told her a bunch of things. And i told her i am not really sure if i can keep this up, because of her i was happy and suicidal at the same time. My mind felt like it was exploding, words just coming out of my mouth. So i kinda think we kind of agreed not to talk or see anymore. I am not sure if i have done the right thing. But i think i did. Still i can't feel anything else than pain.

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Please remember that the pain is only temporary, it'll take a while but you'll recover from the loss. I can't even tell you how many times I thought my life would be over if I can't have a crush in my life but once I got through it I was better off than I was constantly thinking about how much I want to but can't be with them.

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Yeah, what lonelyforeigner said. It won't last forever. You're only like, the 4th person I know who actually worked up the courage to tell someone how they felt (myself included), but I think it's normal to not feel that great about it right after. Especially if you're not talking with her anymore. I think the important thing to take away is that you did it. You said what you needed to say. Whether you would've tried to hide it for another year or the rest of your life, this might've happened anyway and you might've gone completely insane. Now that you've done it though, you can look to the future. It's not only safe to abandon that relationship for the time being, but it's necessary and you can do that knowing that you did everything you could've done to make it happen. Not everybody gets that piece of mind.

It's not going to be a breeze. You'll likely still think about her a lot, but you can take the piece of mind that you got from this and remind yourself that it's time to let that go. And don't do like me and so many others and start thinking that you'll never get a chance with someone special. Don't do that. Use this opportunity to take better care of yourself than you've ever done before in your life. Keep yourself clean, try to eat right, do a little more exercise, try to talk to new people, get professional help from a therapist if you can afford it. You don't have to make big improvements right away either. Just try to make gradual changes to improve yourself like never before. Somebody else will take notice and with some luck, you'll find someone to fill the void. Hang in there, and while you're hanging in there, the forum is here for you.

At least, all of that is what I've been trying to do and tell myself since my ex broke up with me. It works, but some days are still rough. However, I still survive partly because I'm working on myself for the future and I believe you can survive too if you do something similar. Don't ever give up. You've lived this long with all of this torment, so you're stronger than you even know. I think you're strong enough to one day become better than ever. Hopefully some of that gave you a little bit of courage and strength. My heart truly does go out to you.

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Hello there ! 

This is a frustrating story and situation and like others on here I can totally relate for many reasons.  

Just a thought, the way you describe relationships and being in love reminds me of me and other people I know from group therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder.  That might be something to look into.  I am terrible for summarizing but one of the things we put a lot of emphasis on in therapy is tolerance to distress and overwhelming emotions, amongst them love and attachment.  We also learn a great deal about communications.  

The way you described your encounter with this woman really makes me think about the BPD way of "spurting out" how we feel without a filter, which often brings us more trouble than anything.  I don't know about you, but what we usually notice is that it feels very relieving at first to get it all off our chest, but then comes guilt, frustration, regret, or a bad reaction from the other because they feel attacked, overwhelmed or are just confused.  I personnally have a very bad tendency of telling EVERYONE what I feel, and many of us harm ourselves too.  I just came across a thread about "favourite people" in the Personality Disorders section of the forums... might be something you could relate to.  

In any case, it seems like this particular situation is over for you and since it's done you might aswell assume it's for the better and try to sort out what positive experience might come out of it, even if it's just an opportunity of learning about yourself.  I would advise looking into this feeling of overwhelming love and attachment with your therapist if you have one... I for one have made tremendous progress since I started speaking about it ith mine.  

I hope you recover from this event quickly xxx

Bea

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14 hours ago, bellatrixb2 said:

Hello there ! 

This is a frustrating story and situation and like others on here I can totally relate for many reasons.  

Just a thought, the way you describe relationships and being in love reminds me of me and other people I know from group therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder.  That might be something to look into.  I am terrible for summarizing but one of the things we put a lot of emphasis on in therapy is tolerance to distress and overwhelming emotions, amongst them love and attachment.  We also learn a great deal about communications.  

The way you described your encounter with this woman really makes me think about the BPD way of "spurting out" how we feel without a filter, which often brings us more trouble than anything.  I don't know about you, but what we usually notice is that it feels very relieving at first to get it all off our chest, but then comes guilt, frustration, regret, or a bad reaction from the other because they feel attacked, overwhelmed or are just confused.  I personnally have a very bad tendency of telling EVERYONE what I feel, and many of us harm ourselves too.  I just came across a thread about "favourite people" in the Personality Disorders section of the forums... might be something you could relate to.  

In any case, it seems like this particular situation is over for you and since it's done you might aswell assume it's for the better and try to sort out what positive experience might come out of it, even if it's just an opportunity of learning about yourself.  I would advise looking into this feeling of overwhelming love and attachment with your therapist if you have one... I for one have made tremendous progress since I started speaking about it ith mine.  

I hope you recover from this event quickly xxx

Bea

Nice post, I believe you hit it right on the nail. 

For OP I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist if you are not seeing one atm. Even though this relationship might be over I think you will encounter this type of situation sooner than later. So learning to cope and manage with this kind of situations in the future will be ideal becuase you are going to face them again.

Best of wishes

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