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JaLee

So tired

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I am tired, tired of hurting physically, tired of hurting mentally.

I don't have anyone who I feel really cares or is concerned about how I am doing, unless it interferes with their routine, then they want to know what is going on.

I miss my mom but I can't seem to let myself really cry for her.

I am tired of hearing about my poor poor sister and all her troubles from my father. I have problems too but they don't seem to matter to anyone.

I wish I could just crawl into a hole and hide from everyone and everything for a while.

Hubby is sick and while I am glad it isn't the flu I want to just smack him for being so needy right now. I just don't have the real energy to take care of him. I am doing it because it is expected of me, not because I want to. When I am sick I don't feel like I get taken care of.

I want to ****** until I feel better, but I haven't self injured for over a year so I will fight to not do that to myself, but it is just so hard.

I wish i could just scream but no one would hear me.

I want to just hide in bed and not get out of it. 

I want to run away but I have no where to go and no way to get there.

I just am so confused and depressed and angry at everything and yet I don't really care about anything.

I go through the routine of being "normal" with people, I am sympathetic and caring and I listen and talk to them  but inside I am just thinking shut up I don't care. And yet I am so lonely I could scream. I wish I had just one real friend that I could be myself with, honestly myself, not have to pretend anything with them. Of course the real me is such an ugly person I don't know who in their right mind would want to be around me.

I am on medications and maybe they are out of whack or something but I don't think so. Or maybe I just don't care right now.

This is really a mess of a post but I had to try to get some of this out of my head, sorry.

Edited by Natasha1
Self harm method removed

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Hi JaLee,

    Sorry things are not going well.  Its awful when one is relied upon but can't count on support oneself . . . and so often from the very same people.  - sigh -

    I've never been good at "family" stuff and not being married I am not even qualified to speak about husband and wife things.  You are certainly valued here on the Forums although I realize that is not the same thing as support from one's own family.

    I wish I knew what to do to help but sadly I don't.  I am hoping others here will have more insight than I do and have better words for you . . . helpful and useful words.

  I hope you will not harm yourself.  You are important to me.  I apologize if my thoughts and words are useless or worse than useless.  It is so very difficult to know what to say that will help even when one wants to be helpful.  

     I have read many of your posts and they have often been healing for me.  Wish I could do the same for you!!! - epictetus 

Edited by Epictetus

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1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

Hi JaLee,

    Sorry things are not going well.  Its awful when one is relied upon but can't count on support oneself . . . and so often from the very same people.  - sigh -

    I've never been good at "family" stuff and not being married I am not even qualified to speak about husband and wife things.  You are certainly valued here on the Forums although I realize that is not the same thing as support from one's own family.

    I wish I knew what to do to help but sadly I don't.  I am hoping others here will have more insight than I do and have better words for you . . . helpful and useful words.

  I hope you will not harm yourself.  You are important to me.  I apologize if my thoughts and words are useless or worse than useless.  It is so very difficult to know what to say that will help even when one wants to be helpful.  

     I have read many of your posts and they have often been healing for me.  Wish I could do the same for you!!! - epictetus 

Thank you

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I totally get what you are saying, it makes sense and is not a mess at all.  You don't even know how strong you are and how much you have to offer.  But you're human and have weaknesses and need to be understood as well.  It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life to lean on.  It's good that you are venting here but I think it would be good if you would also seek some counseling or at least a good support group.  Maybe even try a different medication.  Family can be tiresome for anyone.  Do what you can to take care of yourself and recharge.  Then you will have more energy for other things you need to do.  You sound tired and that's normal.  Share with your husband what you're struggling with, he probably would like to know.  I'm glad you're not self-harming, keep up the good fight.  We here are pulling for you!  And I will pray for your strength.

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54 minutes ago, jayni said:

I totally get what you are saying, it makes sense and is not a mess at all.  You don't even know how strong you are and how much you have to offer.  But you're human and have weaknesses and need to be understood as well.  It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life to lean on.  It's good that you are venting here but I think it would be good if you would also seek some counseling or at least a good support group.  Maybe even try a different medication.  Family can be tiresome for anyone.  Do what you can to take care of yourself and recharge.  Then you will have more energy for other things you need to do.  You sound tired and that's normal.  Share with your husband what you're struggling with, he probably would like to know.  I'm glad you're not self-harming, keep up the good fight.  We here are pulling for you!  And I will pray for your strength.

Thank you. I wish I could find a therapist I feel like I can trust and/or a group close to where I live.

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It IS hard to find someone or a group you connect with.  The thing is you must keep looking, don't ever give up the search.  You need people on your life's journey and will always be attempting to sort the good, healthy people from the unhealthy, damaging ones.  Please take care of yourself then one day you will find, although not having it all together, you have enough to help someone else going through similar things.  Then a different kind of healing takes place.  Hugs.

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