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MistyTears

Do you feel fragmented?

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I am not sure how to describe this sensation. Please forgive me if I do not make sense. I will try my best. For about nine years, I feel my life is a dream. It is merely happening, where I do not truly engage. As if I am watching a movie playing, and, I, the main character is making decisions I would not normally make. In addition to that surrealistic feeling (if that is the right word), I feel parts of me are fragmented. As if I left parts of who I am in different places. I am no longer whole, but in pieces. I keep looking for all the parts to put myself back together. But, I can’t seem to wake up from my dream like state to do so. At times, I do sort of wake up, and it leaves me feeling panicky because I am not sure how I got there. As if all the events that led to that moment did not happen to me but some one else, then it passes. I go back to the dream. Is this the effect of depression/anxiety? Does anybody else experience this?

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Sounds kind of like you got MK Ultra’d. 

I know the feeling of disassociation you are describing. It used to happen to me frequently. To tell you the truth I kind of liked it. Made things easier, less serious. I would just observe myself acting and laugh at the world. 

It stopped happening a few years ago, though. Now I’m present in the world and don’t like it. 

Edited by One More Red Nightmare

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Mk Ultra? Are you referring to mind control? 

 ...

I can see why you won’t like being fully presented. During moments when I do fully awake, it is not pleasant feeling. It’s like where did all the time go that’s how it is for me. Everyone's experience is different. 

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9 hours ago, One More Red Nightmare said:

I know the feeling of disassociation you are describing. It used to happen to me frequently. To tell you the truth I kind of liked it. Made things easier, less serious. I would just observe myself acting and laugh at the world. 

It stopped happening a few years ago, though. Now I’m present in the world and don’t like it. 

The same happened to me. I much preferred my dream like state it made me feel numb to everything. 

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This is so interesting to me because I've felt similar. Not quiet as you described but close. Everything looks and feels fake, and the feeling on missing pieces of my soul- but they were not lost, rather given to people I loved. It's strange to have a perception of reality that sort of extends beyond this world. I took it to mean spiritual things, like straddling life and the world outside of life. 

It is dissacociation I guess, but it usually always had deja vu too. It was destracting from my need to function. I would talk about it too much and people thought I was crazy. I sort of started to will it to stop. Any time it would start taking over I would ground myself mentally and pull myself present. A therapist told me to take a minute and pay attention to each sense individually. What am I hearing? What am I smelling? What am I tactically feeling (my clothes, the chair, etc)? What am I tasting? What am I seeing? Usually I close my eyes through them all and leave seeing for last. It helps me to close my eyes and allow the fake world to disappear while I focus on other senses.

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On 2/5/2018 at 6:07 AM, One More Red Nightmare said:

Sounds kind of like you got MK Ultra’d. 

I know the feeling of disassociation you are describing. It used to happen to me frequently. To tell you the truth I kind of liked it. Made things easier, less serious. I would just observe myself acting and laugh at the world. 

It stopped happening a few years ago, though. Now I’m present in the world and don’t like it. 

Why would you say mk ultra that stuff is conspiracy theories that can make people freak out more then they already feel . 

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On 2/5/2018 at 1:57 AM, MistyTears said:
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I am not sure how to describe this sensation. Please forgive me if I do not make sense. I will try my best. For about nine years, I feel my life is a dream. It is merely happening, where I do not truly engage. As if I am watching a movie playing, and, I, the main character is making decisions I would not normally make. In addition to that surrealistic feeling (if that is the right word), I feel parts of me are fragmented. As if I left parts of who I am in different places. I am no longer whole, but in pieces. I keep looking for all the parts to put myself back together. But, I can’t seem to wake up from my dream like state to do so. At times, I do sort of wake up, and it leaves me feeling panicky because I am not sure how I got there. As if all the events that led to that moment did not happen to me but some one else, then it passes. I go back to the dream. Is this the effect of depression/anxiety? Does anybody else experience this?

I've been feeling like that for two years. I feel very disconnected and even when Im with friends I feel like im watching the hang out as an outsider and just in general I feel like I have to remind myself that I am alive and im human because I feel so strange and like im so out of touch with reality its really freaky. But It helps to remind myself that its just My depersonalization and derealization acting up. Its the brain way of dealing with depression and axiety especially caused my a trauma or extreme stress and it doesnt know how to deal with it so it shuts down some senses and it makes you feel unreal. its strange and im personally still learning how to deal with it myself . But its worth noted to see that were not the only ones and its clear that its a common theme among people with depression and anxiety. 

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On 2/5/2018 at 3:54 PM, Frankie1983 said:

The same happened to me. I much preferred my dream like state it made me feel numb to everything. 

To me it just makes me extremely terrified and paranoid. 

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1 hour ago, Lovely_ said:

This is so interesting to me because I've felt similar. Not quiet as you described but close. Everything looks and feels fake, and the feeling on missing pieces of my soul- but they were not lost, rather given to people I loved. It's strange to have a perception of reality that sort of extends beyond this world. I took it to mean spiritual things, like straddling life and the world outside of life. 

It is dissacociation I guess, but it usually always had deja vu too. It was destracting from my need to function. I would talk about it too much and people thought I was crazy. I sort of started to will it to stop. Any time it would start taking over I would ground myself mentally and pull myself present. A therapist told me to take a minute and pay attention to each sense individually. What am I hearing? What am I smelling? What am I tactically feeling (my clothes, the chair, etc)? What am I tasting? What am I seeing? Usually I close my eyes through them all and leave seeing for last. It helps me to close my eyes and allow the fake world to disappear while I focus on other senses.

wow beautifully said! I relate to everything you just stated. My therapist also told me to do the same and it can help sometimes. 

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On 2/5/2018 at 1:57 AM, MistyTears said:
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I am not sure how to describe this sensation. Please forgive me if I do not make sense. I will try my best. For about nine years, I feel my life is a dream. It is merely happening, where I do not truly engage. As if I am watching a movie playing, and, I, the main character is making decisions I would not normally make. In addition to that surrealistic feeling (if that is the right word), I feel parts of me are fragmented. As if I left parts of who I am in different places. I am no longer whole, but in pieces. I keep looking for all the parts to put myself back together. But, I can’t seem to wake up from my dream like state to do so. At times, I do sort of wake up, and it leaves me feeling panicky because I am not sure how I got there. As if all the events that led to that moment did not happen to me but some one else, then it passes. I go back to the dream. Is this the effect of depression/anxiety? Does anybody else experience this?

Sounds like this has been going on a long time, have you tried sharing your feelings with a professional such as  a counselor or even a medical professional?

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