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In my mid-40's and still depending on mom & dad for money b/c I'm chronically unemployed


dpepper73

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I know that there are a lot of topics in this forum dealing with unemployment caused by depression and anxiety. I could have posted my problem in one of those threads instead of starting a new one, but I wanted to make sure that someone saw my post. So I created a new topic instead of commenting on someone else's post. 

Like I said, I am in my mid-40's and I still depend on my parents for rent, bills, food, and meds. I haven't had a steady job in 4 or 5 years and I shouldn't even call that last one a steady job, considering I lasted about 3 months. I'm sure my story is a lot like many of yours. The thought of actually having to show up for work somewhere gives me that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. My parents are in their early 70's and I'm scared to death of the thought of something happening to one or both of them, especially if it's before I am financially independent. It's so frustrating. I'm so fearful of stepping out of my comfort zone. It seems impossible. I'm a musician and I used to get a lot of phone calls for gigs, but over the past 5-10 years I started "flaking out" on the day of the gig. I would get so nervous that I couldn't take the first step towards getting ready for the gig. I couldn't get my drums and gear together. I couldn't make myself take a shower. I couldn't even pick up the phone to call one of the other musicians to let them know I wouldn't be coming. Word spreads about that kind of stuff. In other words, I don't get those phone calls anymore after 20+ years of being a professional musician. That stuff really got to me and really made me think because playing music was always my thing, and I'm good at it. It's easy money plus I get to jam with some great musicians. Personally, I can't think of a better way to make a living. 

The main reason I came to this forum today, however, is because I just got a call from my dad that involved my current state of unemployment. Last month I had gone to a local museum and talked to someone about volunteering. They said that they would love to have someone volunteer. They also said they needed someone to do a little research. I have a college degree. I'm not scared of a little research. I was on fire! I went to my parents' house and told them, and my dad was like, "I've been waiting so long to hear such news." Lately my dad has been saying that he'd be content if I would just go volunteer somewhere. So I was on cloud nine. I was going to start right after the new year. But, wouldn't you know it, that day came.......and went. I've been meaning to send an email to the person in charge so I could explain myself a little bit. I wouldn't have to get into any details about my anxiety or depression. I know she would be glad to hear from me. Any extra help they can get is like icing on the cake. But I haven't been able to send that email. So, today my dad called and asked if I was planning to go back up there. I told him that I was. Then he said something that I can't comprehend. He said that he feels like I'm deliberately not volunteering at the museum because that's my way of trying to hurt him. ***? He didn't say it like that word for word, but that's pretty close. He knows all about my depression, anxiety, and how I fight it every day. I told him that I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive by not volunteering. I wish that was the reason. Here I am, a grown man, and my father can still make me feel like I'm an inch tall with his words. However, since he is my father, I know that he must be having a bad day and during this bad day he started thinking about me and my situation and it ate at him and ate at him until he finally had to call. "When you don't do the things that your mother and I want you to do, it hurts us." Thanks dad. I don't have any children. If I did I'm sure I would say the same thing to my screwed up son.

Thanks for providing a place where I can get this kind of stuff out of my system. I will appreciate any comments. However, I'm going to take a break from the computer/tablet and maybe go for a walk while it's not too cold outside. So if I don't respond to your comments right away, you'll know why. Please take it easy on my dad. He's frustrated too. 

 

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I know what you mean I can't hold a job I quit showing up after a few days it's been that way for awhile I get so anxious and I overthink everthing thank god you have your parents to help I have no one I get so mad at myself I would give anything to be normal 

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Hi pepper. Ya theres a few threads about unemployment due to depression. Depression is just very cunning. It can affect life in dificult ways. I used to play music too, not professionally, but i often daydream of getting back into it. I played bass for some years was in a couple bands. I think a lot of people are bound to words spoken by thier parents. Seems like a power struggle of what they expect from you and how you can make them happy. Relationships can be tough in any facet. I am 32 living with my parents. I work a lot, but still struggle with problems with depression, anger, and ptsd. Some days we get along, others we dont. I guess my only suggestion would be to take baby steps. Small things like walking outside for a few minutes or taking a shower are victories. Try to make small goals each day. Enough of those small victories can lead to a big one. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Easy to look at the mistakes we make.

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What you have described kind of sounds like a form of agoraphobia (type of anxiety in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed).  It can require medication/therapy to develop a treatment plan that would allow you to develop coping skills, which would allow you to volunteer/work.  If you haven't sought help, please consider it.  The National Counselor Referral Network (800-232-6459) can help connect you to local resources.  As for Dad's comments, it may have been his way of spurring you into action.  It's good that you saw it as a possibly bad day.  I hope you will consider seeking help that could allow you to get back to things you have enjoyed in the past.  Taking baby steps forward can lead to miles of success. Good luck!

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On 2/1/2018 at 6:45 AM, glfinding said:

I think a lot of people are bound to words spoken by thier parents. Seems like a power struggle of what they expect from you and how you can make them happy.

First of all, thanks for the input. Believe it or not, the last few days have been so much better than the day I was having when I wrote my post that I had forgotten about it. That's pretty huge. The first few days after I posted this, I didn't want to check to see if anyone had commented on my entry. I didn't wanna think about it. 

The last few days have been better but things between me and my dad actually got worse before they got better. A few days later he calls to see if I or my brother/roommate had taken the car to have the nail removed from one of the tires. 

So do you guys think that I or my brother had taken the car to the shop to have the tire patched, knowing that it had been at least a week since I had said something to my dad about it? No! That's exactly right. 

So he called one day and asked if we had accomplished that simple task. When I said that we hadn't, oh boy, he began to ask me, "Do you think that is prudent behavior on your part?" I answered him, "No sir, I don't think that's prudent behavior on my part." I could hear the desperation in his voice the likes of which I had never heard and it scared me. I can't remember what he was saying exactly, but it was something like, "Dear God, what do I have to do to be delivered from this?!" This is a man who has been dealing with this kind of ineptitude from his two sons for almost 20 years. Man, it hurts to see that written out in black and white. I told him to calm down and he told me to take the car to the shop now!

I go to the shop. I tell the man there's a nail in the right rear tire and I give him my keys. I walk out the front door of the establishment to have a seat and a cigarette. I had barely gotten the cigarettes out of my pocket before I looked up and saw my dad. I thought he was just making sure that I went where I was supposed to go. I wish. He said, "Take the car to my house, park it, and leave the keys in it." There I was, an inch tall just like that day on the phone. I said, "Daddy, I've already given them the keys and they're about to get started on it." Again he said, "Take the car to my house and leave the keys in it." I started arguing, saying that I would take it over there after the tire was fixed. "If you don't get in MY car and take it to MY house right now, I'm calling the police and having it towed." I was 16 years old again. I'm sure all the employees of the establishment heard every word between this father and his adult son. I couldn't find the guy who I had given the keys to, so I just sat down on the curb next to the car and waited until one of the employees came over to get the car to be fixed. When he came over I stood up, and with a defeated sound in my voice I told him that I was gonna have to cancel my work order and I apologized.

I did exactly what my dad said and then I started walking home. Sick to death. Hating life. Hating myself. Horrible pain. "How does this keep happening to me?!" Knowing that my brother would need the car for some errands the next day, at first my dad said he could have the car for those errands and that's all. A half hour passed and my mother called to tell me that my dad decided to give the car back after we go get that tire fixed. So, at the end of that day the car was still with my brother and I, but so what? 

In the following days, amends were made and love was restored to this family. I wish I could say, "The End" and make it so. Later on that day, my dad went to see the psychologist who I see. Dad has heard me go on and on about how he's so easy to talk to. He figured he'd go see him. What could it hurt? He didn't have an appointment and he didn't need one because I have the best psychologist in the world. He doesn't overbook in case of emergencies like the one my dad was experiencing. He had to talk to someone who could put a different spin on the day's events. After talking with my psychologist for over an hour, my dad left feeling better about things, which tends to make everyone else feel better about things. That's not to say that I'm giving up on the volunteer work. I think that for a person who hasn't had a job in a few years, volunteering is a great way to ease back into things. That's one of the main reasons that it appeals to me.

Once again, I didn't mean to write a short story. I gotta work on that. Thanks for everyone's input. I'll sure appreciate any other feedback as well.

 

 

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Wow, that comment is a little too long.

As I was folding laundry just now, I started thinking about that long comment and about that hostile confrontation between myself and my dad in front of the tire shop. I don't wanna make my dad out to be some guy with a short fuse who overreacts to everyday inconveniences. If that were the case...if he was a temperamental moody man who went around making mountains out of mole hills then it would be a lot easier to dismiss his comments. 

He thinks that he could've done something different along the way that would've prevented things like addiction, anxiety, and depression. Anyway, he's under a lot of stress because of things I won't go into here. So, I just wanted to get that off my chest. 

Thanks again.

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Oh man. Can feel the tension there. Arguing in public. I myself was a terrible kid. I dont have any adult charges, but i had a pretty good list goin as juvenile.  I cant count the times i let my dad down. Hes been a great father. Doesnt do anything wrong. Lives a good life. And he got a bat crazy son. I suppose i got better over the years. Has been good for a couple years. But we have def had our share of father and son struggles. I think there is some kind of unseen pressure from a father son relationship.

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